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They’re about the same size, but that never stops Hyuck from wriggling down Jaemin’s side to bury his face in his chest, and Jaemin always gives in and lets him, regardless of how tired they are.
“You make me feel small,” the older boy had answered quietly into Jaemin’s arm when he’s finally worked up the courage to ask. “It’s a good feeling.”
Hyuck’s face is tilted up towards Jaemin’s own, eyes slit shut like he’s basking in the sun. Jaemin thinks of the bright energy the other boy exudes around their hyungs, remembers how he bounces from member to member putting smiles on their weary faces, and wonders why no one else has realized that Hyuck isn’t an inexhaustible battery either.
There’s something tentative in the air tonight though, and Jaemin waits, running the tips of his fingers through Hyuck’s newly dyed hair. NCT is a large group, and it’s only natural that some of them are closer than others. Most of the younger boys (Dream, management tentatively calls them) hang out together, but it used to be exceedingly rare to find Donghyuck without Mark, and these days Jaemin’s been colliding into just Hyuck alone more frequently, the brunet slinging an arm around his neck or waist whenever possible after practice and egging Jaemin into another round of video games. Jaemin has a prideful streak, and he lets himself get sucked into a tornado of bubbliness as he defends his throne, but he’s not oblivious to something shifting in their interactions, a thrum of energy ready to uncoil between them.
So Jaemin waits and wonders which of the millions of directions his teammate’s thoughts could be running in.
“Hey, Nana?” Hyuck’s voice is barely a whisper. “Have you ever… been kissed before?”
Jaemin hums as he thinks of a way to answer, one hand rubbing soothingly between Hyuck’s shoulders. They’re teenage boys, and there’s not many opportunities to mess around as trainees. Besides the one stilted conversation he had with Jeno, he can’t say he’s thought much about kissing anyone. “No,” he answers truthfully.
Donghyuck abruptly sits up, a glint of restrained excitement behind the look he gives Jaemin. “Well…” He begins, shy but eager nonetheless. “Do you want to?” And Jaemin recognizes the crossroads for what it is. Despite the dim light of a single lamp, nothing shines brighter in Jaemin’s sight than Hyuck’s trust, and maybe it’s a bad idea, maybe he shouldn’t give in, but he’d be lying if Hyuck was the only one with… expectations of how tonight would go. The tension had been building between them for weeks now, and everything hinges on Jaemin’s answer. It’s both thrilling and comforting at once.
In lieu of a response, he tugs Hyuck down over him, lips meeting in a shaky exhale. It’s clumsy, neither of them confident enough to lead a first kiss, but Hyuck’s lips are as soft as he’s dreamed, and neither of them can resist the soft laughter as they continue to bump noses.
One night turns into two, turns into a week, months, almost a year of sneaking pecks and pinky grips in each other’s rooms, a dark corner backstage, a dimly lit street at midnight. They never truly talk about it, but Jaemin knows that when he’s particularly homesick, missing his mother’s cooking or his grandmother’s lullabies, the warmth of Donghyuck’s hand gripping his waist are never far behind. It’s just terribly comfortable, and a bit late to bring it up now. Regardless, he’s happy, and he knows from his teammate’s sunny beam that Jaemin makes him feel the same way.
It doesn’t last long.
He wishes it were the feelings fading. That would’ve hurt less, if he had just fallen out of love (because that’s what this is, isn’t it?) or if Hyuck finally rejected him, but it’s the fact that there’s just no time that sends sharp pains through his chest when he’s alone at night and missing a warm weight curled up beneath his chin. At first it’s just different subunits, but then it’s conflicting comeback schedules, leave from injuries, tours on different continents. On the worst days, Jaemin wonders if he had dreamt the touch of soft lips behind his ear, warm breath against the back of his neck. What did he mean to Donghyuck? What were they?
How can you lose something you’re not sure you ever had?