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It took Jeff three days to catch up with Dempsey. Three days of desperate hoping that he was riding in the right direction and pushing Phoebe as hard as he dared.
He tried to give her breaks by dismounting and leading her, usually when he got sleepy. It was easier to stay awake while walking than it was sitting in the saddle — a lesson he'd learned the hard way when taking a tumble the second night. He had landed on his still-healing shoulder, typically enough. It hadn't started bleeding again or anything, but it sure hurt like hell.
Still did, but it wasn't all bad — harder to doze off with it aching the way it did. Without that he might've missed the faint light in the distance. He reined in Phoebe and squinted. It looked like a fire. If he was lucky it was Dempsey, setting up camp for the night.
Jeff urged Phoebe into a trot and hoped for the best.
As they got closer the sorrel grazing by the fire whickered a greeting. He clearly recognized Phoebe, and Jeff sure recognized the man who got up from his sprawl on the ground. It was Dempsey.
Dempsey's hand had started to stray towards his gun, but the welcoming from his horse made him hesitate. Now he stared out into the darkness, eyes widening as Jeff came into sight.
"Jeff? What are you..."
"Hey there, Demps," he said, grinning. He stayed on Phoebe and waited patiently, but when no invitation came he prompted, "Well? Can I step down?"
Dempsey moved forward, as if planning on lifting Jeff off again. He stopped himself after a few steps though, and Jeff felt a pang of disappointment. He was beat enough to welcome a helping hand, but more than that he just wanted to feel Dempsey's touch again. It didn't seem quite real until then — as if maybe he'd just fallen asleep and was dreaming this whole thing.
"Come on," Dempsey finally said. "Go and sit down, I'll take care of your horse."
"Thanks." He said it both to Dempsey and Phoebe, and gave her a couple of grateful pats on the neck before stumbling over to the fire. He didn't quite manage to sit down; it was more like his legs just gave out under him, but thankfully Dempsey didn't see. He tended to Phoebe with sure movements, hands gentle despite the grim line of his mouth.
Didn't seem like he was all that happy to see Jeff.
Well, he'd expected as much. It was what he deserved, too, but it still stung. He looked away, staring into the fire instead. After a while Dempsey sat down next to him.
"Don't remember teaching you how to track."
Jeff smiled. "You did, in a way. Just pick a star and follow it, remember?"
"Ah," Dempsey breathed. He plucked a blade of grass and twirled it between his fingers. "And were you sure that it was the right one?"
"Yeah," he said softly, "I'm sure. It led me here, didn't it?" Truthfully, the star he'd chosen to follow wasn't a star at all, but the man sitting next to him, pensively staring at the grass in his hand as if it held all the answers. It was a choice Jeff had made a long time ago — only difference was that now, he'd come to fully realize it.
Dempsey's hand curled around the grass, twisting it into a small ball before flicking it into the fire. He still didn't meet Jeff's gaze. "Want something to eat?" he asked. "I have a couple of eggs left that I could fry up."
"Nah, I had some jerky a while ago." That was true, but he wouldn't have minded some actual warm food — he just didn't think he could stay awake long enough to eat it. Now that he'd found Dempsey it was like his body was calling it quits, and he had nothing to say about it.
"Here," Dempsey murmured, "lie down." He reached out and took off Jeff's hat, before carefully pushing him down.
Jeff went willingly, eyes starting to slide shut as soon as his head came to rest against Dempsey's saddle. It made for a surprisingly good pillow.
Dempsey took off his coat and placed it over Jeff, just like he'd done the first time they met. He should give it back, but he was tired and cold, and the coat — the coat smelled like Dempsey.
Jeff gripped it tightly and finally let himself drift off to sleep.
----
The smell of scrambled eggs woke him. He blinked blearily against the sunlight as he sat up.
"Morning, kid."
"Morning," he answered, though it was mostly engulfed by his yawn.
Dempsey chuckled. "Didn't mean to wake you, but your stomach was rumbling. Figured it was best to get started on breakfast."
He watched as Dempsey finished making the eggs. When he was done he came over and handed the plate to Jeff. Without thinking he reached out to take it with his left hand, and hissed as his shoulder protested the movement.
Dempsey knelt down and pulled back his shirt. Jeff froze, pain forgotten. "These bruises look new," Dempsey said, worry plain as day in his voice.
"It's okay, I just — I was clumsy."
He'd hoped Dempsey would drop it at that, but of course he didn't. His blue eyes narrowed as he stared at Jeff. "What happened?"
"Fell off my horse," he muttered. He half expected Dempsey to burst into laughter at the admission, but if anything his face just grew darker.
"The hell were you thinking, riding after me like that? Your shoulder has barely even healed. You should take it easy, not..." he trailed off, grimacing.
"I'm fine, Demps. Really. Just gotta remember to use my right arm instead."
Dempsey's hand moved up to ruffle his hair. "See to it that you do, okay?" He had that fond, tender look on his face again, the one Jeff thought he'd lost forever.
It made him forget himself; made him stupid. So he just sat there and looked at Dempsey, probably letting everything he felt show through. Dempsey pulled back his hand as if burned and stood up. "Eat your eggs," he mumbled, and turned his back.
"Thanks," he replied, silently cursing himself. If Dempsey was willing to give him another chance he couldn't mess it up like that. It had taken him a while to understand, but he knew what he felt for Dempsey now — it had been hard to deny, that evening when he'd been sitting on the fence, waiting for Dempsey. But he'd lingered with Reed Bowman, and Jeff had felt angry and hurt and jealous.
So he understood, now. And he also understood that Dempsey had never seen Jeff as anything except a replacement for his dead brother. It wasn't what he truly wanted, far from it, but it would be enough. If he could only regain that, regain the relationship he'd trampled all over due to his own jealousy and hot temper, he'd be happy.
"Think you could handle a bit more riding? There's a town not too far from here — could rent a room there and rest up, give your shoulder a chance to heal."
Jeff swallowed the last of his eggs and shook his head. "I can keep riding; we don't need stop on my behalf." He deliberately used the word 'we' since Dempsey hadn't. It made him feel like Dempsey wanted to get rid off him as soon as possible, whether because he felt Jeff would slow him down or for other reasons. "I can keep riding for as long as you do, straight to Canada even."
"Hey, now," Dempsey said, "relax. We ain't going to Canada just like that, you know. We can drift north for a while yet before we wind up there." He gave Jeff an amused smile, and the warmth in it went a long way to calm him down.
"Yeah, I know, I just meant..." he started, but hesitated. He'd meant that he would follow Dempsey anywhere, but saying that didn't seem like such a good idea. "I can keep up with you," he said instead.
"I have no doubts about that," Dempsey replied, chuckling. He walked over to Jeff and held out his hand. "Don't be a lefty," he reminded. Grinning, Jeff took the proffered hand with his right one and was quickly hauled to his feet. Dempsey squeezed his hand once before letting go.
"Thanks for the loan," he said, handing over the coat. This time Dempsey didn't deny it. "So," Jeff continued, "we keep going, then?"
"No, we do as I said. I was planning on stopping by the town to stock up anyway, staying there a day or two doesn't make much difference."
"Well, if you're sure."
"I am." Dempsey gave him one more bright smile, and then they set about getting the horses ready.
Jeff tried hard to keep his optimism in check, but it was hard to not feel hopeful. It seemed like things might just work out after all.
----
He was still hopeful that evening, despite the bittersweet edge of needing to act like the kid brother Dempsey wanted. Nothing more, nothing less.
Some parts were mostly sweet, like Dempsey taking him to the saloon and once again insisting that he stuck to drinking sarsaparilla. There didn't seem to be a banjo around, but Dempsey was every bit as effervescent anyway.
Jeff couldn't take his eyes off him. That, too, was sweet.
But it turned bitter when Dempsey pointed out a woman, claiming that she had been staring at him. He tried to laugh it off, but Dempsey waved her over. "Evening, ma'am," he greeted. "I'm Dempsey Rae and this here's my partner, Texas."
"Pleasure to meet you both. I'm Bella."
Dempsey elbowed him in the side. "Come on, Tex. Say hello to the lady."
Jeff put down his glass on the counter and forced himself to smile at her. "Hello."
"That the best you can do?" Dempsey whispered in a much-too-loud voice, eliciting a peal of laughter from Bella.
He felt his temper flare up, but tried hard to keep it in check. Dempsey took notice of that, apparently, for he mumbled an excuse to Bella that Jeff didn't bother to listen to. Maybe he could make up some story about being tired and head back to the hotel.
Dempsey emptied his glass of whiskey and let out a low hum. "So," he said, "you don't like blondes? Was that it?"
Had she been blonde? He hadn't even noticed. But he still felt angry, and the bitterness was rising like bile in his throat. It was too much to bear, all of a sudden, and it made him foolhardy. Jeff cast a sidelong glance at Dempsey, at that golden hair of his, and said, "No, I love blondes."
It was a dumb, dangerous thing to say, but he didn't really expect Dempsey to include himself in that category. Or if he did, that he'd make some witty remark and laugh about it. Instead he just froze, smile slowly fading as he stared at Jeff.
Jeff stayed silent, afraid of making it worse if he were to say anything more. Finally Dempsey looked away, down at his glass. He was gripping it so tightly that his knuckles had gone white.
As if not seeing that it was empty he brought it to his lips, tipping his head back in one quick movement. "Gotta get that last drop," he said afterwards, giving Jeff a wry grin. It didn't reach his eyes.
"Well, I don't know," Jeff drawled, "I seem to recall hearing otherwise. No regrets in the morning, and all that."
Dempsey's smile twisted into a mere baring of teeth. "Oh, I'll have plenty of regrets in the morning."
'Am I going to be one of them?' he wanted to ask, but bit his tongue. If Dempsey regretted letting him tag along he didn't want to know. Better to just clear out and give him some breathing space. "I think I'm gonna head back to the hotel."
Dempsey caught him by the arm. "Is your shoulder hurting?"
One final taste of sweetness, then. Smiling softly, Jeff shook his head. "I'm okay, Demps." Feeling emboldened by the worry, he added, "Come by my room later? We can play cards or — or something."
Dempsey's hand traveled up to tip Jeff's hat forward. It lingered there afterwards, warm fingers cupping the back of his neck. "Sure, kid," he said. "Or something."
Jeff forced himself to leave before he did anything even more foolish.
----
Honestly, he wasn't sure Dempsey would actually show up. It was just as likely that he would drunkenly head to his own room and sleep it off — or maybe he'd already taken his chance, and hightailed it out of town as soon as Jeff had left.
The odds for that last scenario felt worryingly high.
So it was a relief when the knock on his door finally came. He rushed over and opened it, gratefully taking in the sight of Dempsey.
"Still up, huh?"
Jeff swallowed. He'd thought his heart would stop racing now that Dempsey was here, but if anything it just beat faster. "Yeah," he forced out. "Of course. I was waiting for you."
"I went by the stable," Dempsey said, making his way across the room to sink down on the edge of the bed. Jeff closed the door and leaned back against it, dimly wishing that the wood were magnetic and would keep him in place.
"Are the horses appreciating their lodgings, too?"
"Seemed that way to me." Dempsey looked up at him, frowning. "What's the matter with you? Go ahead and sit down."
Jeff pressed his lips together in a stiff smile, and moved forward. Felt like he was heading for his own hanging — rope and everything provided by himself.
He sat down next to Dempsey on the bed.
"Hey, kid..."
"Yeah?" He somehow managed to raise his head and meet Dempsey's gaze. He looked the same as when he'd first spoken of his brother — soft smile curving his lips, and nothing but sadness in his eyes.
"I asked around a little. There's a ranch to the west of here that's looking for men. Not a big spread, but the owner sounds like a fair man."
Jeff relaxed; so Dempsey just didn't feel like drifting, that was all. That wasn't the bad news he'd feared. "Any wire?" he asked.
"No. Not yet, at least."
"Okay, well — sure! If you want to stay on for a while, that's alright with me."
"No, Jeff," he said slowly, breaking their eye contact. "I didn't mean me. I plan on going."
Oh. So much for it not being bad. He shouldn't beg, shouldn't make a scene, he knew that — but there was no stopping the words that came rushing from his mouth. "I'll go with you. Demps, please, I... I want to go with you, if you'll just let me."
"It's better this way. Trust me."
"I know I messed up. But I swear, I won't wreck it again if you give me a second chance. I'm sorry."
A look of pain crossed Dempsey's face. "Don't be. This isn't about that."
"Then what?!" he snapped, his anguish starting to mix with anger.
"Leave it alone. It's not your fault, Jeff — that's all you need to know."
"Hogwash. If you want to get rid of me you'll have to give me something better than that."
Dempsey's jaw tightened and his eyes were blazing when he looked at Jeff — he was angry, too. "You want a reason? Fine, I'll give you your damn reason."
It happened fast after that. Dempsey reached out and gripped the front of his shirt, yanking him closer to press their lips together. Jeff sat frozen, dimly wondering just how much Dempsey had had to drink — he tasted of nothing but whiskey, and when he broke the kiss to let out a shaky breath it was strong enough to make Jeff's eyes water.
Dempsey got off the bed and walked over to the window. He stared out into the dark. "There," he said at last, "is the reason."
Jeff found himself nodding silently. It was the one reason he couldn't do anything about. He couldn't deny it, and he wouldn't apologize for it either. He felt what he felt, and he could no more stop than he could stop breathing.
Really, Dempsey had been clever. Cruel, but clever. If he'd just accused Jeff of being in love with him Jeff might've been able to lie — but a kiss? Giving him a glimpse of everything he yearned for but could never have; tearing down his defenses, baring his soul, robbing him of all sense. Oh, yes, that had been the perfect way to catch him.
"I understand now. We'll go our separate ways." Jeff got to his feet and took an unsteady step towards the door. He needed to leave, right now, even if it was his room they were in. "I didn't realize that you knew, is all. I never meant for you to find out."
Silence. Jeff didn't turn around, just kept moving to the door. He didn't want his last memory of Dempsey to be a look of disgust or hate.
"Wait. Hey, wait a minute."
He ignored the demand. His hand reached for the knob, and — then a hand gripped his right shoulder and spun him around. Dempsey pushed him back against the door, something wild in his eyes. "I said wait, dammit!"
"What else do you want me to say? I won't say I'm sorry for how I feel." Jeff raised his chin and defiantly met Dempsey's gaze. "I'm only sorry that you found out."
"Found out," Dempsey repeated. "What does that mean?"
"Let go of me."
"What does it mean?"
He probably couldn't have answered even if he'd wanted to. There was a lump in his throat that made it hard to even breathe, and his eyesight was growing blurry. He blinked furiously, trying to quell the stinging, prickling sensation in them.
"Jeff, hey..." Dempsey's voice was gentle, and that just made it worse. It would've hurt so much less if he'd been angry, if he'd punched Jeff or cursed him — but that gentle kindness was more than he could take.
"Why did you have to kiss me, huh?" he asked, voice breaking. "Maybe I could've forgotten you somehow, but I — I won't ever be able to now."
Dempsey's hand moved up to cup his face, thumb slowly stroking across his cheek. "Jeff," he whispered. There was something akin to wonder in his eyes, which Jeff didn't understand at all.
Neither did he understand when Dempsey kissed him again. It was different than before — Dempsey took his time now, gently coaxing Jeff's lips open and deepening the contact. Jeff didn't remain frozen, either. Almost out of their own volition his arms came up to rest against Dempsey's back, as he closed his eyes and lost himself in it.
"I don't understand," he mumbled afterwards. Dempsey stayed right there, in his arms, and showed no signs of wanting to move. There was a light in his eyes that hadn't been there before.
"I'm starting to." Smiling softly, Dempsey pressed a quick kiss against the tip of his nose. "I think we've both been having the same problem, we just didn't realize it."
Understanding finally dawning on him, too, Jeff dared to let his hand trail up Dempsey's back. Dempsey shivered beneath his fingers, and he felt an answering jolt in his groin. "So you kissed me to...?"
"To drive you away. Thought it was the one thing I could do, to make you never want to see me again."
Jeff's roaming hand reached Dempsey's neck, he touched the warm skin before burying his fingers in that golden hair. God, but he'd wanted to do that for so long.
Maybe Dempsey had wanted it too, for his eyes drifted shut as he leaned into Jeff's touch. "I was so happy to see you," Dempsey murmured. "So happy that you rode after me. But I knew I had to let you go, and doing so the first time just about killed me." His blue eyes slid open again, gaze sharp and intent. "If you stay, I'm not going to let you go again."
Jeff gave his hair a playful tug. "I'll hold you to that, Demps."
Their next kiss was mostly a collision of teeth, thanks to both of them grinning like madmen.