Chapter Text
He hated himself. Toma hated himself so much. He didn’t deserve to ever see her again. Even if he said it wouldn’t matter if she ended up hating him, everything felt pointless being unable to see her.
He loved her. Ever since they were kids, he loved her more than life itself. But Toma knew he messed up, and he deserved punishment for that. When Shin barged in after finding her, Toma didn’t even try to fight back. Shoved against the wall, staring back at Shin’s angry expression.
‘’What the hell is wrong with you?!’’
A lot of things.
‘‘Didn’t you see the state she was in? What did you do to her?!’
Toma felt numb. He still remembered how she trembled under his weight.
What was he thinking? Why did he let his own feelings take over? He swore to suppress his feelings for her. He swore he wouldn’t force them on her.
Toma forced a laugh, ‘‘You know Shin, I am a man after all. A man and a woman alone would obviously mean-’’ Before he could finish that sentence, Shin punched him to the ground.
‘’Bastard.’’ Shin hissed, ‘’I knew I shouldn’t had trusted you with her.’’
Toma’s cheek throbbed. No doubt Shin put everything into that one punch. Given how much the senior hated violence, it wasn’t a joke to be struck by him.
‘’Don’t worry.’’ Toma smiled, though it expressed the pain he was feeling. ‘’I already planned to move far away after this. She’ll never have to see me again.’’ It was unfortunate he couldn’t be the older brother she wanted. As much as he wanted to apologize, he had no right to. She was probably traumatized, and disgusted right now. She most likely never wanted to see his face again. He had no choice but to accept that, it was his punishment.
‘’I’m leaving this place tomorrow.’’
That was the last he saw of Shin. He didn’t tell him where he was going, nor was he going to tell her either. The only ones who knew were his parents, and they were pretty disappointed when finding out he dropped out of college. But he made sure to tell them not to tell anyone where he’d be.
Toma went and moved to Osaka, got a job as a waiter at a small restaurant and decided to let himself live like that for a while. He didn’t even consider attending law school again. He was basically a criminal, so he had no right to join anything related to the law.
Day after day passed, and he missed them. Shin, and her . . . .
‘Nah, this is for the best. Your big brother failed you both.’ Toma constantly told himself whenever he got lost in those lonely feelings. Everytime he got home from work, in that empty apartment the feelings immediately returned. Feeling of self loathing came as well. Nightmares of hurting her plagued his sleep as well.
It all took a toll on him. He rarely got enough sleep, he barely ate anything at all. Whether he wanted to believe it or not, he became so depressed from it all. His boss started scolding him for messing up during work, sometimes plates would slip from his grip, sometimes he’d forget a customer’s order. It was unlike him. He was usually such a diligent worker, Waka said so back when he worked at Meido no Hitsuji.
Returning back to his apartment one night, he just laid on the little sheet of blankets he had on the floor. After what he did to her , he knew he didn’t deserve to sleep in a bed. Which was why he didn’t buy one for himself. A pillow and a blanket on the floor is what he’ll sleep on.
‘’I hope she’s okay…. Shin is hopefully watching over her.’’ Toma whispered to himself, before managing to fall asleep.
‘.....Toma….’ She cried out in fear, trembling as she stared up at him. ‘Toma, get off you’re hurting me.’
Toma didn’t listen, grinning down at her. He had her pinned down to the bed, her body barely covered by her lingerie. ‘Ah, but if I let go you’re going to leave me. I don’t want that.’
‘I won’t…. Please….’ Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, her voice grew desperate when crying out. ‘I’m sorry, I won’t leave you again! I’m sorry!’
‘You know…. It breaks my heart everytime you lie to me.’ Toma squeezed her wrists tighter, making the girl let out a cry of pain. ‘Do you have any idea how much pain you’re putting me through?’
Tears were streaming down her face, ‘I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I’m sorry!’
Toma bolted away, gasping in fear. He breathed rapidly in a panic, then slowly calmed himself down. ‘’It… it was just a dream….’’ He was thankful it was, but the fact that he dreamt something so horrible made him loathe himself even more.
The sight and sound of her crying, Toma hated it. He never wanted to do that to her. Never.
‘’Maybe a walk will help clear my thoughts.’’ Throwing on a jacket and his shoes, he went out. It was pretty late however, around midnight so there was little to no people out on the streets. There was a chill in the wind that made him shiver.
Everytime wasn’t familiar to him, it wasn’t the place he grew up in. New faces everyday, no one he was close with. No one he could call a friend. Sure, the isolation was well deserved but….
He might end up going crazy at this rate.
‘’Toma!’’ A voice called out to him, but he was too deep in his thoughts to pay mind to it. The sound of running could be heard behind him, which he finally noticed and turned to face it. Tangerine hues widened before the body collided with his, arms wrapped tightly around his waist with their face buried into his shirt..
‘’I finally found you… finally…. Finally….’’ She sobbed, clutching onto his shirt as if her life depended on it.
‘’Why… why are you here?’’ He told his parents not to tell anyone, he wanted to stay away from her. Why? Why the hell was she here!?
‘’You shouldn’t be around me,’’ Coldness filled his eyes when pushing her back by her shoulders. ‘’Go home.’’
‘’. . . .I won’t, I’ve been searching for you for weeks already!’’ A determined glare was shot back at him, as tears fell down her face.
‘’Don’t you remember what I-’’
‘’I know!’’ She immediately yelled before he said it. ‘’I know… I know…’’ Trembling fingers reached up and cupped his face, which startled him.
‘’Toma…. What you did was wrong, I know that. And I should’ve listened to you more, and stay put like I was supposed to. I’m sorry.’’ Her thumbs brushed lightly against his cheeks, ‘’We can live past this, because Toma….. I can’t live without you.’’
No, no… She shouldn’t say things like this. He didn’t deserve to be forgiven. Yet, he was hoping like the selfish person he was.
‘’Toma, I love you.’’