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Sana used to love the couch. It was the first thing Momo and her bought when they first moved in together, almost three years ago. They carried it upstairs by themselves, and Sana almost fell down two flights. It took them fifteen minutes to get it through the door, and when they finally managed to set it down in the middle of what would be their living room, they both dropped down on it at the same time and the legs broke with a loud crack. They turned to look at each other, surprise and exhaustion evident on their faces. They broke out laughing, a laugh warm and sincere, straight from the belly. The kind of laugh that makes you bend over, or in their case, lean against each other, tears forming at the corner of their eyes.
They laid down on the broken couch together, Sana lying with half her body on top of Momo's. It was a dirty, second hand couch they got for less than 300 won, but in that moment, there wasn't a place on earth they'd rather be.
That was years ago, thought.
Now, Sana only feels bitter and sad and she fixes the pillow she laid against the arm rest and tucks the covers under the cushions. She takes her glasses off and leaves them on the coffee table, now covered in her clothes, books, and other belongings. Her cat, Chum, stares at her as it sits on top of some folded sweaters. Sana beckons it with a snap of the fingers and the cat jumps towards her, letting Sana hold it in her arms. Sana sits down on the couch and scratches behind Chum’s ears, feeling comforted by the slight purr. The cat is her only company lately.
Sana puts Chum down on the floor and slips under the covers, groaning when she can't quite stretch her legs. She rests her hands on top of her chest and stares at the ceiling, repressing the thoughts that flood her mind with memories of her ex girlfriend and the almost irresistible urge to just go knocking on the bedroom door.
The couch used to be one of her favorite parts of their home. They napped in it, shared cups of instant ramen while watching shitty reality TV, and made love countless times. Now it makes her back ache, and her heart even more. Sana closes her eyes and tries to listen if there’s any sound in the apartment, but there’s nothing. It’s almost as if Momo wasn’t sleeping in the next room. Sana turns around, mumbling under her breath to stop acting like an idiot and just sleep. She falls asleep with a frown.
---
Momo hates sleeping alone. She's spent the last six years of her life sleeping with Sana, she's used to the girl cuddling up next to her and slipping her cold feet between her legs, trying to find some warmth. She's used to her arm falling asleep because of Sana's weight on top of it, and used to Sana hogging the blankets. Momo would always groan and complain that she was annoying, but when Sana fell asleep, Momo could spend hours just looking at her girlfriend. The way her eyelashes fluttered against her cheeks every once in a while, the tiny freckles that showed up when she spent too much time on the sun… Momo spent most of her time in awe of her girlfriend. Awake, Sana was restless, always moving and always doing something. Momo liked getting to hold her while she slept, quiet and calm, chest rising and falling in sync with Momo's own.
But that’s over, because now she sleeps alone. She hates it, and she avoids it as much as she can. Momo sits on the desk next to the bed, on her phone or on her computer, waiting until the exhaustion gets to her and she can’t keep her eyes open anymore. That way, when she gets into bed, she falls asleep quickly, and doesn’t have to deal with how cold she feels all the time, no matter how many blankets she puts on the bed. Momo curls up towards the edge of the bed; she hates having so much wasted space, the bed feels too big for her.
If she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, she can still feel Sana's smell lingering on her pillow case.
---
Mornings used to be their favorites. Momo always woke up first and she kissed Sana awake. Giggles filled the room and they spent a good fifteen minutes in bed, just hugging tightly and laughing with each other, letting the rays of sunshine coming through the window warm the room.
Now Sana wakes up with a stiff neck and cold feet. Most of the time, Chum is either curled up next to her or on top of her chest. When it stares at Sana with it’s bright blue eyes, she can’t help but feel like the cat is judging her. She wouldn’t blame it if it did.
Momo doesn’t bother opening the curtains, she’d rather sleep in to avoid having to leave the room.
---
It was a hot day when Sana made her decision. On the way up in the elevator, she felt full of dread, and she could already feel tears forming in her eyes and the first hints of an impending headache. She dragged her feet through the hallway and her hand hovered over the doorknob. She wanted to enjoy the last few seconds of normality before her life changed.
With a sigh filled with anguish, she opened the door and found Momo already sitting in the kitchen. Momo didn’t look any better than she did; she knew Sana more than anyone and was very aware of what was going on in her mind when she received a ‘we need to talk’ text. Sana’s whole body felt on fire, so she turned the ceiling fan on and wiped her forehead with her hand. She sat down in front of Momo; but she had never felt so far from her.
For a moment only the spinning sound of the fan was heard in the room. Momo didn’t take her eyes off the table. Sana had a knot on her throat and every time she tried to speak, she choked.
“Mo…” She knew she had to bite the bullet, it was inevitable, it had been coming for the last two months. She likes to think she tried her best to avoid it, but right now, as she faces Momo’s shut eyes and trembling lip, she’s not so sure she’s done enough. Maybe she could’ve tried a bit harder. “This isn’t working anymore.”
Momo nodded and pursed her lips. She took deep breaths, trying to calm her heart, but she couldn’t keep a sob from falling from her lips. She covered her mouth and her body started shaking as she cried. Sana’s hands itched to reach over the table and hold her, comfort her and tell her that they could work everything out. But she didn’t feel like she had the right to do that anymore.
“I’m sorry.” Momo muttered, her hair falling into her face as she sobbed into her hands.
“No, I’m sorry. Mo, I- I’ve been a terrible girlfriend... you deserve someone better, someone who can be there for you no matter what.”
“Don’t you think that’s something I should decide? Whether you’re enough for me or not?”
“Momo please… I can’t be the one hurting you, not anymore. Things aren’t gonna change for me any time soon and I refuse to keep this up if that means you’re not happy.”
“But I don’t mind!”
“Well you should! Please understand,” Sana felt her own tears falling onto her lap, she hadn’t even realized she was crying. “I love you.”
“Then don’t leave me.”
“I can’t let you deal with my problems.”
“Why won’t you listen?” Momo got up and started to pace around, exasperated. Her sad tears were becoming angry ones. “You stayed with me through everything . When I almost failed fifth year and wouldn’t get up from bed because I was so disappointed in myself, you visited me every day and helped me get my grades back up. When I thought I wouldn’t be able to come here with you, you took extra shifts at work to pay for my ticket. What makes you think I’m not willing to do the same? Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I do! But Mo, please, I’m just trying to protect you-”
“I can’t believe you’re acting like this.” Momo wiped her tears, her breathing was heavy and she clenched her fists, her nails almost drawing blood from her palm. “I don’t care if you’re going through a rough patch Sana, do you think that could ever make me stop loving you?”
Sana stayed silent, hiding behind her hands. She felt suffocated. She could feel Momo’s stare digging into her head, begging her to look up and realize that she was making a mistake. But Sana stood by her words.
“I hate when you come home happy about something, and you rush to tell me about it, and I’m either asleep, or on a phone call, or so tired and annoyed I can’t even react properly. You don’t deserve that.”
Momo licked her lips and let out a sigh. She massaged her temples; her throat felt hoarse.
“Okay then. Have it your way, if you’re so sure that’s the right thing to do. Because you’re always right, aren’t you?”
Momo left the kitchen and after a few seconds, Sana heard the slam of their bedroom door. Sana cried in the kitchen for hours, until it got dark and her stomach started howling. She didn’t feel like eating anything though, she just went to lay on the couch until exhaustion overtook her body and made her fall asleep. She felt so awful, she didn’t know if she had a fever or if it was simply the guilt.
---
But of course the universe can never work in their favor, because before either of them can look for a different place to stay, or at least avoid each other by going out, mandatory isolation starts. Great timing on their part, really.
---
Momo guesses there are worse things than being stuck with your ex girlfriend in an apartment. That doesn’t make it suck any less, though.
Ever since that day, now three weeks ago, Sana has been sleeping on the couch. It was an unspoken agreement, Sana got her pillow and a set of blankets from the room, and it was pretty clear what her intentions were. Momo didn’t complain.
The first week was terribly awkward. They woke up at the same time and saw each other in the kitchen. Sana ran into Momo as she got out of the shower more than once, and Momo still wore one of Sana’s shirts and realized a bit too late, when the other girl had already noticed it. It was returned to her the next day, already washed.
They eventually fall into a routine where they manage to avoid each other pretty well, doing things at different times. As much as they can avoid each other in a small apartment, with Sana sleeping on the couch, anyway.
Sana wakes up a bit earlier than usual to make breakfast, and she always makes an extra cup of coffee, which she leaves on the counter. Then she takes a shower before Momo wakes up, and by the time she comes out and goes back to the living room, the cup is gone. It’s the same with lunch and dinner, Sana cooks something and takes a plate for herself, leaving some more in the pot or in a plate somewhere in the kitchen.
Momo, on the other hand, isn’t actively avoiding Sana. Her anger wore off after the first week and since, she’s tried to talk to her ex girlfriend many times, but Sana manages to dodge all of her attempts. Her favorite excuse is that she has to take Chum on a walk, even though the cat hates wearing the leash. Sana guesses a few scratches are better than dealing with emotions.
Momo misses Sana terribly and she doesn’t bother denying it. She wonders when will her ex-girlfriend come to her senses and agree to work things out. Momo spends her day in a rollercoaster of emotions. Most of the time she longs to have Sana back and she gets sad, but those feelings are quickly replaced by impatience and annoyance when she remembers how hard headed Sana is. She’s called her stupid in her head more than once.
But most of all, Momo feels frustrated. Because Sana insisted that breaking up was the right thing to do, that Momo deserved better, and that she wasn’t good enough. And yet, Sana still takes care of her like she always had. She still cooks for her, takes care of the groceries and the laundry, and Momo has heard her opening the bedroom door in the morning when she thinks Momo is asleep, just to check on her.
And now that Sana spends all of her time at home, with barely any work to do, it would be the perfect opportunity to spend more time together and fix whatever issues they might have, but no, Sana refuses to talk. Momo wonders how much longer this can go on before it becomes too much.
---
It lasts exactly four more days. The night goes just like all the other ones, with Sana eating something in the living room and Momo finding a plate for her in the kitchen. She loves Sana’s cooking; now that she has the time Momo can tell how much effort Sana puts into each meal, but she would enjoy it more if she could share it with her.
Sana is eating quietly on the couch, holding the plate in her hands with Chum curled up on her lap. There’s a movie playing on the tv, in english and with no subs. Sana isn’t even paying attention to it, she just wants something to fill the silence a bit. Momo is glad Chum has taken Sana’s side, as she needs the company more than Momo does.
Momo decides to sit in the kitchen instead of going back to the bedroom, and she stares at Sana from the table. The blonde hasn’t noticed she’s there, because she keeps munching on her food distractedly. Sometimes she repeats in broken english what the characters from the movie say, and Momo wants nothing more than to run to the couch and give her a million kisses.
But Sana actually seems calm for once, and Momo doesn’t want to make her upset. She finishes her food and washes the dishes (Sana might cook, but she has never been very fond of dishwashing. Ever since they got together it worked like this, Sana cooked, Momo cleaned. Momo doesn’t mind, but even something as trivial as washing dirty dishes reminds her of Sana, and how she would cling to her back until Momo was done and they could go to bed).
Momo thinks it’s just another night where she will go to sleep past 4 a.m and wake up to a lukewarm cup of coffee in the morning. She gets ready for bed, and misses Sana while she brushes her teeth (because they used to do it side by side, even if it was super cheesy). She sits on her desk chair and tries to get as comfortable as possible, with her legs tucked under her body and a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. After spending fifteen minutes just browsing netflix, she picks a movie and turns off the lamp.
The movie isn’t anything too interesting, it’s just something silly to distract her until she can fall asleep. It works for the most part, since an hour into it Momo’s eyes start closing. She’s just about to turn the movie off when she hears a loud crashing noise.
Momo thinks it might’ve come from the movie, but there’s actually a song playing on the scene. She takes her headphones out and she hears it again, this time more clearly. Thunder.
She was so distracted she hadn’t noticed it had started to rain, and from the sound of the water hitting the windows it was a very strong storm. Normally Momo wouldn’t think much of it, summer storms were very common. However, she thinks about Sana.
Sana, who’s terrified of thunder.
Momo doesn’t have to think twice before leaving the room, almost in a frenzy.
---
Sana had felt the wind blowing against the trees a while after she was done with dinner. The chilly air swept through the window and it made her shiver, but she hoped it was just rain. She tried to not get too freaked out, maybe she could manage to fall asleep before it started to pour.
As she gets ready to sleep, she looks around the living room trying to find Chum, but it’s not there. Sana finds it in the kitchen, lying on one of the chairs, hidden under the table. Sana snaps her fingers, but Chum doesn’t move from its place. Sana gulps, feeling a bit nervous, because Chum only hides like that whenever a storm is on the way or when there are loud noises.
Still, Sana tells herself to calm down, maybe it was just wind and it will blow the storm clouds away. She lies on the couch, awfully aware of the sound of the wind hitting the blinds. With her eyes closed, she takes deep breaths. She feels silly for being scared of thunder, and she feels unsafe without Momo there. Her breath shakes a little and she considers swallowing her pride and going to the bedroom, but before she can even remove the covers, the first low rumble sounds through the room.
Sana shrieks and brings the covers over her head. It was very strong, which meant the storm was actually very close. It’s already pouring. Her chest is falling up and down rapidly, and then the second thunder sounds and Sana shakes. She covers her ears, scared, trying to muffle out the sounds of the storm.
The covers are pulled away from her and Sana shrieks, but she relaxes when she sees Momo.
“Scoot over,” Momo pats her thigh and Sana does as told, pressing against the backrest of the couch. Momo lifts the covers and lies down with Sana, hugging her by the waist. Their noses are almost touching, and Sana feels overwhelmed from being so close to Momo after so long.
“What are you doing?”
“Taking care of you.” Momo says simply, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And it was, in a sense, but Sana was always a bit dense.
Sana wants to complain, tell Momo that she can leave her alone, she doesn’t owe her anything. But Momo has slipped her hand under Sana’s sleep shirt and she’s rubbing circles in the soft skin of her lower back. Sana’s eyes flutter, Momo’s touch working like magic to calm her down.
When Momo makes sure that Sana won’t start a senseless argument and let herself be taken care of, she brings her even closer until their bodies are flushed together. Another thunder sounds, even harder than the past two, and Sana buries her head in the crook of Momo’s neck. While one hand stays on Sana’s back, the other comes up to play with her hair, tangling her fingers in Sana’s blonde locks.
Momo presses her lips to Sana’s forehead and sighs. She had longed to have Sana back in her arms, but she didn’t want to be in a situation like this. She hated when Sana wasn’t well.
“Do you remember when I fixed the couch?” Momo asks out of nowhere, her voice low. She knows the best way to comfort Sana other than by holding her close is distracting her. Sana sniffles and slowly nods against her neck. “You didn’t think I could do it, you thought you would do a better job.” Momo smiles at the memory, and she feels Sana’s chuckles on her skin, making her shiver.
“You couldn’t even open the paint buckets.” Sana mumbles, nosing quietly at Momo’s neck.
“Those are unrelated things,” Sana can hear the pout in Momo’s voice and she smiles. “Anyway, you took the toolbox your dad gifted you and tried to do it. You didn’t even know where to start, and you accidentally hit your thumb with the hammer.”
“Nailing things with an eye closed isn’t a good idea…”
“I had to take you to the hospital,” Momo chuckles because, even if she was worried sick at the time, now she can look back on it with a smile knowing Sana is safe in her arms. “And you were crying like a baby. You hadn’t even broken a bone yet you were crying so much.”
“I was scared.” This time it’s Sana that pouts. Momo cups her cheeks and makes her look into her eyes. She looks at the blonde full of love, and she can see just as much intensity reflected on Sana’s eyes, too.
“I bought you an ice cream and then brought you home. Do you remember what happened after?”
Sana sniffles and Momo wipes away a lone tear rolling down her cheek. Sana bites her lip in a smile and leans against Momo’s touch.
“You fixed the couch. It took you thirty minutes and you did it by yourself.”
“Mhmm…” Momo rubs her thumbs over Sana’s flushed cheeks. She wants to kiss her very badly. “You need to trust me more, baby. I thought you knew what I was capable of and willing to do. Especially for you.”
“Mo,” Sana rests her forehead against Momo’s, feeling her whole body tremble. She cups the woman’s neck and Momo’s hands go down to hold her waist steadily, holding her down. There’s another thunder, but Sana stays still, staring into Momo’s eyes. “I’m so sorry… I was an idiot.”
“You are an idiot.” Momo giggles, and Sana laughs with her. She can’t really deny it. “But you’re my idiot.”
“You’re so cheesy…” Sana smiles wide, bright, just the way Momo loves the most.
“Sana… do you want to be my girlfriend?” Momo flutters her eyelashes teasingly. Sana laughs and it pulls at Momo’s heartstrings, making her feel warm all over.
“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?”
“I can’t wait forever for you to make the first move. I already did that once, remember?”
“Excuse me? I kissed you first.”
“Yeah, after I asked you out.”
“Shut up,” Sana rolls her eyes playfully, and she whimpers in surprise when Momo kisses her.
“Ok, I will.”
They meet in the middle. The kiss is slow and languid, they have no rush and they have spent so long without each other all they want is to enjoy every second together. Momo presses her tongue against Sana’s and Sana moans into her mouth, her arms move to circle Momo’s head and bring her even closer. Momo lies on top of her and moves her kisses down to Sana’s neck. Sana whimpers again, but then the loudest thunder yet rumbles and it actually makes some stuff in the room shake. They hear Chum meowing in the kitchen, share an understanding look, and laugh together.
“As much as I love making out with you on a couch, we have a very comfortable bed to do that.” Momo sits up and offers her hand to Sana. “Come on.”
“Only if you carry me.” Sana lifts her arms up and makes grabby hands at Momo. The older woman rolls her eyes and puts one hand behind Sana’s shoulders and the other under her thighs. She lifts her with a grunt and carries her bridal style to their room.
“I’m supposed to be mad at you, you know?
“That’s a lie. You can’t be mad at me for so long.”
“You’re so lucky I’m in love with you.”
“You are? Aww, that’s kinda gay, love.”
Momo loosens her arms, almost making Sana fall. The blonde yelps and hits Momo’s arm.
“That wasn’t funny!”
“It totally was,” Momo kisses Sana’s cheek and then finally drops her on the bed. “Now, won’t you answer my question?”
Sana pulls Momo until she falls on top of her and steals a kiss. “I’ll be your girlfriend only if you’re mine too.”
Momo kisses Sana again, and this time they’re both smiling so much their teeth clink together, but neither of the mind. With one more sloppy kiss to Sana’s cheek, Momo replies. “We have a deal then.”