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„You are cute!“ Big hazel eyes stared at him and Sirius didn’t know what to do. His instincts told him to punch anyone in the face who called him cute. But his father would not approve of this “childish behavior”. Well, Sirius was eight so why the fuck shouldn’t he behave like a child? Still, Orion would kick him well into next week for making a fuss in the ministry. Aside from that, Sirius felt like he kind of liked the boy with the rectangular glasses and the messy hair sticking into every direction.
As Sirius looked at the boys’ haircut, he couldn’t help but think of the face his mother would make if he ever looked like that. Since Sirius didn’t react, the other boy waved a hand in front of his face. “I’m James, what’s your name?” Sirius whirled his head around; his father was talking to some members of the Wizengamot and was not paying attention to him, so maybe he could talk to this boy. “Why did you call me cute?”
James laughed and Sirius kind of liked that as well. At home, no one really laughed, except for Regulus, who’s laugh was a tiny snicker, not the full belly roar he experienced now. Nevertheless, Sirius asked a question, so he demanded an answer. “I mean it!”
James stopped laughing to look at Sirius properly. “What do you mean? I said you are cute, because you are. My mum says I should always tell the truth.” “It’s weird.” It didn’t feel weird, but Sirius knew what was expected of him. In addition to that, he had a sense of social behavior in opposite to this James guy, apparently. Boys didn’t call each other cute he knew that much. He also knew that he probably shouldn’t keep talking to James, since he felt his father’s gaze burning in his neck right now. Yet, he can’t stop. Not when James looked at him like a kicked puppy. “But why? Look at your fancy robes! You look exactly like your dad, just the mini version! I think that’s funny.”
A pang of hurt slashed trough Sirius and he pulled at the mentioned fabric which he suddenly couldn’t stand. “Well you look like your father!” Sirius gestured in the general direction behind James. Why should he bother to find out who this boy’s parent is? If Orion was going to interrogate him later, he better knew nothing about James. To his surprise, James wasn’t bothered at all, he laughed that way to stunning laugh and beamed at Sirius. “I know, it’s fun, isn’t it?”
Sirius didn’t understand what’s going on. This must have been the weirdest encounter he ever had and by now, he had his fair share. Why would someone want to be like their parent? There was nothing more enraging to Sirius than being compared to Orion or Walburga!
The moment he wanted to speak his mind, fingers dug deep and hurtful into Sirius shoulder and he knew he was in trouble. “Excuse me, Mr. Potter, but my son and I have to go home now.” James, clearly taken aback by being referred to as “Mr. Potter”, was, for the first time, at a loss of words. Just as Sirius wanted to make a snarky remark, Orion whirled him around and pushed him a few steps forward. Sirius looked back into those hazel eyes that followed him curiously and shrugged. In that moment, James found his voice again and yelled after him. “I didn’t get your name!” “It’s Sirius!” Was all he could say, before Orion all but threw him into the green flames.
A numbing pain went through his legs when Sirius landed on his knees in Grimmauld Place. Still, he couldn’t focus on this since Orion yanked him up into a standing position instant later. “What were you doing, you idiot? When I take you to work, I expect you to learn how to talk to business partners and not how to socialize with a stupid child. And if that wouldn’t be enough you have to talk to Fleamont Potters’ son of all the stupid children. They are blood traitors you sheep!”
Sirius looked down at his neatly polished shoes. He knew there wasn’t anything he could do except to wait for the storm to pass. “What is your excuse?” “I don’t have one.” Orion yanked at Sirius chin. “Look at me, when I talk to you. Sirius, you are my eldest son and I expect nothing but perfection of you. If you want to be the head of our family someday, you cannot become friends with blood traitors.” He grabbed Sirius by the shoulder and whirled him around towards the stairs. “Now go to your room and think about what you have done wrong today! I wish not to see you until tomorrow morning!”
Later that night, when Sirius was lying in Bed with an apple, that Regulus had smuggled up to him, he thought about the day. Nevertheless, he didn’t understand what he had done wrong. James was fun even if he was a little odd and Sirius already missed his bright eyes and his contagious laugh. What was a blood traitor anyway? He never understood this concept in the first place. While Sirius was lying there, he was sure that he never wanted to be the head of the family.
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Andromeda smiled at him while Sirius pulled at his very expensive but very uncomfortable robe his parents had bought him for his eleventh birthday. „You look really cute today, Sirius.” Andromeda smiled down at him. She had asked him to follow her up the stairs and now they were sitting in his fathers’ study with cake. Orion wouldn’t approve but since he liked Andromeda, he might let that one slip.
Sirius gazed around at the old books, and the fine and expensive instruments on his father giant desk. “Why did you bring me up here?” Andromeda smiled and Sirius remembered why he liked her so much. Despite growing up like him she was very kind and affectionate towards him and Regulus unlike Bella or Zissy. “I didn’t give you your present yet! The eleventh birthday is very important! This time next year we will be in Hogwarts together and I am really happy about showing you around, little cousin.” She hugged Sirius close and he melted into her. Sure, he hugged Regulus, but it was different to be hugged by someone older and taller than you. Sirius always felt warm and safe with Andromeda, he would never survive family gatherings without her or Uncle Alphard. While he tried to be Regulus’ lifeline, they were his.
As Andy was ruffling his hair, his childish curiosity won over his pure blood good behavior. “What is my present?” He peered around and didn’t see anything except for the cake they snuck up together. She pointed a long finger up towards the ceiling and spoke in a stern voice. “Sirius, you are almost and adult now.” She snickered at that. “And I trust you with all my heart, so my present to you is that I’m going to tell you my biggest secret.” Sirius eyes lit up and he almost wiggled in excitement. He admired Andromeda and for her to think of him trustworthy of her secret was a big deal. She giggled at the sight before her. “But you have to swear to me, Sirius, that you are not going to tell anyone. Not even Regulus or Uncle Al.” “Of course not! You can trust me!” “I am dating a boy in school. His name is Ted and he is a fantastic guy.” Sirius tried everything to not let his disappointment show. A boy? That was not a secret. Uncle Cygnus always talked about marrying of the three girls, Bella even was engaged to Rudolphus by this point. “Oh, don’t you worry, little cousin, the juicy part is still about to come. He is a muggleborn.” “Now that is a secret.” Sirius blurted out and Andy giggled again. “Yes, yes, it is. Well, at least in our crazy family.” “What are you going to do?” “I still have three years of school ahead so I’m not doing anything right now. Ted and I are a secret, as I said. We have to sneak around in Hogwarts as well, so Zissy doesn’t find out. But she is all about ogling Lucius while he parades around. That actually makes it easier.”
Sirius was glad that she took care of her wellbeing, he couldn’t begin to imagine what Uncle Cygnus would do if he found out. “What after school?” A sad look crossed her face. “Sometimes, you are too smart for your own good, Sirius. I love Ted, when he still loves me back in three years, I will run away with him and leave this lot behind.” Sirius nodded sadly; he couldn’t depict what life would be without Andy. “Hey, cheer up, birthdayboy! This is still far ahead, and you know, if you ever want to leave them behind as well, I can help you when I establish a life of my own.” Sirius nodded again and they ate the cake in silence for a few minutes.
Hazel eyes crossed his mind, eyes he had never seen again and never talked about. He also thought about how Andromeda was doing what she wanted instead of listening to her father. “A few years ago, I met a boy. I think I wanted to be friends with him, but dad said that I couldn’t talk to him, because they are blood traitors. What does that mean?” Andy huffed and shook her head. “It doesn’t mean anything other than your dad is an idiot. You think that boy was around your age?” Sirius nodded while he stuffed a big piece of cake into his mouth.
“I’m sure you’ll meet him in Hogwarts and then you can be friends. By that time Zissy will probably be Lucius fiancé so you don’t have to worry about her sending reports to your parents. She will be quite busy prancing around with him.” Sirius laughed and hugged Andromeda close again. “Why is this family so stupid?” “It’s ok, Sirius. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. Do you think muggleborn kids deserve to go to Hogwarts?” “Of course! If they can do magic, why shouldn’t they? That would be unfair.” “Never forget this, whatever your parents tell you. No one is worth less or more than you. We are all humans. I’m proud of you and I can’t wait to introduce you to Ted!” Sirius smiled and is relieved. Relived that he didn’t have to do what his parents think of as right forever and happy that Andromeda was proud of him. Later, as he had to say goodbye to Andy and Zissy who floo back to Hogsmeade his fathers’ hand was tightly clasped around his shoulder. However, Sirius never felt as distanced as right now. He would follow into Andy’s footsteps and take Hogwarts as a chance.
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Marlene was staring at him which unnerved Sirius. He was thirteen and still didn’t like when girls stared at him. He was just not ready for that kind of attention. Marlene turned around to giggle with Lily and Dorcas who now starred at Sirius. He groaned, turned sideways and continued on with his homework. Remus looked up from his book now since Sirius had kicked him by turning sideways. “What’s up Sirius?” The boy didn’t answer just nodded over to the giggling girls.
Remus just smiled and turned his attention back to his book. “I see.” He left it at that, and Sirius was thankful for it. James and Peter choose that moment to climb through the portraithole and slump down at their table. Peter sat down beside Remus while James occupied the place beside Sirius. “We found a new passageway.” Peter mumbled excited.
Usually, Sirius would demand to be walked their right on the spot, but he wasn’t in the mood. He just nodded and turned his attention back to his book. “Hey?” As James nudged him with his leg Sirius looked up into hazel eyes. Why had he never asked James about their encounter in the ministry five years ago? Was it just not that important or was there something else? What if James wouldn’t remember? Would Sirius be sad? “What?” James eyebrows shot up, he turned his gaze to Remus and Sirius immediately knew the answer to his former question. “Wow. What got him so upset?”
Remus just snickered and pointed over his shoulder to the girls. “Believe it or not, but I guess our Sirius here doesn’t enjoy attention for once.” Peter turned around to have a popper look at the girls sitting on the chairs closest to the fire. James and Peter nodded knowingly. Ever since third year started, the girls suddenly noticed Sirius. Now Marlene was getting up and walked over. Peters ears turned red and he buried his nose in a book, they all knew he had a crush on her.
“Hey Sirius.” He turned around. “What is it?” “Wow, you got more words than I did!” James exclaimed bewildered. For this, Sirius kicked him in the shin. Marlene acted like nothing had happened and scooted now very close to Sirius. “I was just wondering if you would like to go to Hogsmeade with me on the weekend.” Because he wanted to get some distance between them, Sirius stood up. “No, I’m going with James.”
Peter wanted to protest, but Remus just shook his head slowly. “Well, it wouldn’t be the same, you know. I don’t want to go as friends.” Sirius frowned. What else would she want to go as? He liked her sure enough as a friend, just the giggles and stares were bothering him. “I don’t understand.” He said unsure as Remus snickered and Peter closed his book way to violent. James had fallen completely still which was even more unnerving than Remus and Peter together. Marlene gazed over at Lily and Dorcas shrugging her shoulders before she looked at him again. “I thought we could go on a date?” “Oh.” Was all Sirius managed to say. With that, James shot up, grabbed his bag and practically flew up the stairs. Probably heading towards their dorm. Okay, THIS was unnerving.
Marlene didn’t even look at James’ empty chair when she grabbed Sirius hand. “So? What do you think?” Sirius looked at her and slowly shook his head. “I’m sorry, I don’t date and like I said, I’m going to Hogsmeade with James.” Peter practically whimpered now, but Marlene nodded her head. “It’s a pity. You are cute when you get all flustered. But you know, you should talk to James if this is what you want.”
She taped his shoulder and turned around to the girls, lifting her arms in defeat. Sirius was even more puzzled now. He sat down again. “What does she mean I should talk to James about it? Do you think James is interested in Marlene?” As Peter groaned thinking about this new competitor, Remus looked at Sirius in bewilderment. “Are you kidding me?” “No!” Remus shook his head slowly. “Get your head out of your ass, Sirius. I never met anyone as thick as you. Come on Peter, let’s go see that new pathway.”
Sirius stared after them, packed his stuff and walked up to the dormitory. Whatever got Remus upset had to wait, after all, he had to go through the weekend plan with James.
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“You are cute.” Sirius blood boiled and he clenched his fists hard. He was used to these words by now, usually it was James calling him cute. Still, in this moment he hated it. While James said them in an endearing way, smiling wide or ruffling Sirius’ hair when he called him cute, he felt a warm stir in his stomach.
His mother on the other hand was cussing him out right now. “You are really cute, if you think this changes anything.” Usually, he would believe her, that was what this horrible house did to him. All the dark rooms and heavy expensive tapestries felt like they were crushing Sirius whenever he crossed the old front door of Grimmauld Place. So, whenever Walburga tried to slice through him, he crumbled on the inside and felt so endlessly lonely. Still, he did everything to not let it surface. And this time was different, he was not alone. He had come with Mr. Potter and James who now touched his arm.
Sirius thought he was burning up and a warmth he hadn’t felt since he walked past the front door erupted in him. He looked at James and nodded slowly. They had just come to get his things before he was leaving this horrible place behind for the rest of his life. There was no way he was letting Walburga ruin this. “Sure feels like things are changing.” Was everything he could grit through his teeth coldly. “You are a Black, dear son. You came from my womb. My blood is running in your veins. There is nothing you can do about it, even if you run until the end of days.”
He felt sick to his core and was furious that his mother could still do this to him. “If I had your blood in my veins, I would be dead, because everything about you is venom.” Sirius turned around, grabbed the cage of his owl and James’ hand to join Mr. Potter on his way out, leaving this hellhole behind forever.
Later that night Sirius dreamed about his mother’s arm holding him back and her shrill laugh. He tried to fight it off, but the grip was too strong, he couldn’t get rid of it. Slowly his senses came back and the laugh turned into a word, his name. Also, the voice was not shrill anymore but low and the hand around his body was warm and soft. “You ok, Padfoot? You were kicking and pushing.” Sirius ears burned hot and he felt like the biggest idiot. Why did he climb into James’ bed? He knew he was going to have nightmares tonight; he should get through them on his own. Still, the little voice inside his head told him, that this was exactly the reason why he wanted to be with James. He didn’t feel like going through this alone and even if the situation was embarrassing, having James so close was tranquilizing. “I’m sorry. I try to stay calm now, but why is your arm around me?” The moment he said it, Sirius wanted to punch himself in the face. At least he had turned away in time so James wouldn’t notice the loathing in his features.
James pulled back immediately and said tremulously “I’m sorry, I didn’t notice.” He shut the light and turned around while Sirius felt his stomach turn. He wanted to scream and shout that he really liked it. He thought about the consequences but couldn’t keep it in anymore. He felt so stupid and like he might burst any minute. “It wasn’t unpleasant… you know.” Sirius had no idea how he was able to sound so calm when his heart was beating so hard that he was sure James, who just turned around again, could hear it. A hand snuck around his middle and his heart calmed down immediately as he was pulled against James’ chest. This night, Sirius didn’t dream about his mother anymore but about a stag and a dog racing through the forest.
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James was sitting on the sofa, reading about a new Quidditch strategy when Sirius flopped down and laid his head on James’ thigh. Maybe, just maybe, he liked this. Imagining what could be if he wasn’t such a coward. When James put his hand in Sirius hair to stroke it, he could pretend that this was a promise not mere muscle memory.
After a few minutes Sirius needed to say something before loosing himself in the moment. “You think things will change, once we leave school?” It was the summer before their 6th year so there were two more years to come, but shit, sometimes Sirius just had to be melancholic. “ ’course they will.” James mumbled absently while still caressing Sirius hair.
“But what about you and me, Peter and Remus?” Sirius’ heart started racing and there was the tingling sensation of everything being to much. He trembled, slightly, but he trembled, James had to have felt it. He put down the book and looked at Sirius. “I don’t know. Why are you so worried? Things will change, but it is ok, we are growing up. I’m sure Remus doesn’t want to have our stupid faces around all the time, when he and Lily start their little family.” “But what about us?” Sirius was angry with himself. This was the question he was trying to avoid, but he failed again. Nevertheless, when he glanced up, James smiled down on him. “Bold of you to assume you could ever get rid of me.”
Breathing was easier again and Sirius pressed his face into James stomach to hide the happiness his words had created. “What if you find a girl to start your own little family?” Sirius couldn’t live with being comfortable for a minute. Because nothing stayed for him, no one wanted to be there for him. He knew that he was a burden even if James would never say such a thing because James was good. But Sirius was not, and he knew it. You are a Black was ringing through his head again when James hadn’t answered yet. Sirius peered up. “Look, I’m sorry mate. I don’t know what’s up with me again. Don’t let me drag you down.”
He was about to get up when James did answer after all. “Highly unlikely.” “What?” “It is highly unlikely for me to find a girl and settle with her.” Hands shaking, James seemed like he wanted to be anywhere but here. “Is this still about Lily? You told Remus it was okay for him to date her. There are plenty of girls out there, Prongs.” James looked away, ears glowing red and Sirius didn’t know what to think anymore. “I’m just not into girls, I guess.”
Sirius sat up. Every hug and every touch he and James had shared flashed before his eyes. “Are you kidding me?” “No? I thought you had figured it out, or at least Remus told you by now. Is this going to be a problem?” He sounded so small and scared and all Sirius could do was laugh hysterically because this was ridicules, how would this ever be a problem? The little voice in the back of his head was there again to whisper all the things he had pushed so far down years ago. But maybe, just maybe… if James really was into guys there was the smallest chance… When Sirius’ brain stopped racing and he glanced at his best mate, he saw that this conversation was going in the wrong direction.
James looked hurt and betrayed and he was getting up from the sofa. This was not at all how Sirius envisioned this discussion if he dared to think about it in his wildest dreams. He shot up and grabbed James’ arm. “This is not a problem at all! Prongs, whatever makes you happy, is fine with me!” James turned around relived, but Sirius was not done yet. “Actually, I am bi. I was too scared to tell you and I never thought it would be necessary anyway because I never planned to act on it any time soon.”
James looked a little hurt, he didn’t seem to like the fact that Sirius was keeping secrets from him. But for now, he was focused on something else. “Why didn’t you plan to act on it?” Sirius smile grew wider again, the other boy sounded a tad too curious for someone just asking his best mate.
“Because I fell for a boy when I was 13. I always thought he was into girls and you know me. I am a hopeless romantic. So, until my dying day I withdrew from relationships because I knew there would never be anyone as perfect as this guy for me.”
James seemed unhappy, apparently did Sirius not only keep one but at least two secrets from him. On top of that he also looked suspicious, but Sirius wasn’t sure if this was true or only wishful thinking.
Did he read the situation wrong? If James was into men, this changed everything. He clearly was touchy at times. Up to this point, Sirius had always written that off as James just being needy and he enjoyed the closeness so much he wasn’t going to make him stop. His train of thought was cut short when James asked sharply “Who is it?”
He was clearly pissed; Sirius couldn’t hold his laugh in for the second time. And Remus called him thick?
“You, you tosser!” James mouth fell open. “You like me?” “Of course, I like you. Do you think I would get up at 6 am on a rainy Saturday to play Quidditch for anyone?”
“This is not what I meant! Do you like me in the buddy buddy or in the kissy kissy way?” Sirius laughed again; this was ridiculous! “Let me clear this up. I am standing here. Ready to make out. You just come over whenever you feel like it, ok?” Sirius raised his open arms, but James was having none of it. “You are not really good at clearing things up! I mean it! I need to hear it. And I swear to god, Padfoot, if you are fucking with me right now…” Sirius held his arms up defeated. “Whoa easy there. I am a virgin you brute.”
Again, James looked like he was going to punch Sirius in the face, he laughed his barking laugh and took James’ hands in his. “Yes James, I like you in the kissy kissy way or however you just phrased it. I have for three years and if it is okay for you, I would like to kiss you now.” All the anger drained from James’ face and a smile split it in half. Sirius moved in as James was staring at his lips. He just put them over the shorter boys. It was sweet and innocent and to Sirius it felt perfect. After he pulled back, to look at James, he grinned and moved back in to kiss Sirius again. If it was possible Sirius heart grew even bigger when James erupted in laughter now. “I can’t believe this. You have had a crush on me since you were 13?” Sirius just nodded, not trusting his voice yet. “That’s when I figured it out myself. We could have had three years of this. Why am I such an idiot?” Sirius laughed. He was still holding James’ hands and he didn’t plan on letting go anytime soon. “I don’t know, but I like that about you.” James just grinned. “Whether you like it or not: you really are cute.”
He moved in again for a kiss and while Sirius was standing in the middle of the Potters living room with James’ lips on his, he thought he might like being called cute after all.