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As one of Dio’s most trusted servants, you were assigned THE most important task of all: shopping for Froot Loops. It was his favorite food in the world and the only thing that brought him joy. Unfortunately, Dio had not been budgeting very well as of late, so all you could afford to buy him this time was the store brand, “Fruit Rings.” Dio was not pleased.
“What. The fuck. Are those,” he hissed when he saw you unloading boxes of them into the evil cupboard. “Y/N, I feel betrayed… I asked for Froot Loops, not this poverty cereal… Do you think I, Dio, deserve to live like a filthy poor? You had one job, Y/N… ONE job, and you fucked it up. I just can’t trust you anymore, Y/N... I might have to demote you to Pet Shop’s personal pooper scooper.”
“Please no, not the pooper scooper!” you cried, tears involuntarily rolling down your cheeks. You couldn’t bear the thought of having to go back to being a lowly pooper scooper after you’d come so far. “Just give me one more chance, I swear I won’t let you down again!”
Dio didn’t say anything for a long time, pretending to ponder what he should do. “Well,” he said finally. “Since I, Dio, am very generous and forgiving, I will give you one more chance. However--” he raised one finger in the air-- “I, Dio, will accompany you to the store to make sure you don’t fuck up this time.”
You were so relieved you almost peed your pants. “Thank you Dio!” you screamed.
“Whatever,” said Dio.
You got an evil Uber to Walmart since neither of you could drive. The atmosphere in the car was tense; Dio didn’t talk much, which was typical for him, but you couldn’t help but feel it was because he was still mad at you. After you arrived, you had to wait a few minutes as Dio left a 1 star review, but soon it was time to get down to business.
There were a lot of security cameras by the entrance to the store. You and Dio put your middle fingers up at them. After that, you were quick to locate the cereal aisle; this skill had come after many months of being Dio’s professional Froot Loop provider. You might have just been imagining it, but you could have sworn Dio looked impressed by the speed at which you could navigate such a moderately-sized store.
“Here we are. The cereal aisle,” you announced. “And the Froot Loops are right over here.”
Dio had his arms crossed over his bodacious chest when you turned to look back at him. “Now explain to me why you were not able to acquire the right cereal last time,” he said accusingly. “Cereal shopping seems to come easy for you, so why? Did you really think you could get away with cutting corners when it comes to something as important as this?”
You were shocked; you didn’t think Dio would try to make a scene in the middle of Walmart. But you weren’t going to just stand by and let him ridicule you in front of the other cereal shoppers. “I’m sorry, okay?!” you yelled, clenching your fists. “You told me to buy 6 boxes this month, and all you gave me was a crisp $5 bill. The only thing I could afford was the store brand. This isn’t the 1800s anymore, Dio. You can’t buy shit with $5. Or were you expecting me to pay for it with my own money?”
Dio put his wrinkly hand on your shoulder. “Y/N, Y/N... I didn’t realize you were so foolish.”
“What?”
“That $5 wasn’t to buy Froot Loops, Y/N, that was your paycheck for this month. My funds have been running low, so I couldn’t give you the usual $6. So sorry about that. I didn’t realize you were spending it on this .”
Wait a minute, you were getting real money for this job? That was news to you. You had assumed your “paycheck” would be a handful of monopoly money like all the other servants. Dio really was generous <3 But still… “If that’s my paycheck, then what the fuck am I supposed to buy your Froot Loops with?”
“Well, Y/N, it seems like you need to be taught a lesson in shoplifting. I thought you would be evil enough to figure it out on your own, but--”
“Shoplifting isn’t evil though,” you interrupted. “I’d say financially supporting a megacorporation like Walmart is way more evil.”
“According to this braindead society’s black and white morality, all stealing is evil,” said Dio. “But yes, you are correct. Shoplifting from Walmart is objectively right and just, and also the only way to get into heaven. So from now on I expect all of my Froot Loops to be stolen, understand?”
“Of course.”
“Good, now let’s make like a baby and head out,” he said, handing you a couple of boxes. “Just put these under your shirt, it’ll look like you’re pregnant.”
It did not look like you were pregnant. It looked like you had cereal boxes under your shirt.
“HOLD IT A RIGHT THERE,” came a man’s voice with a light Italian accent from the next aisle over. The strange man, who had on a dark robe with a deep v-neck, long gray hair, and purple lipstick, rode forth on a Segway and stopped in front of Dio. “What are you doing with all those a Froot Loops?”
“What are you, a cop? Fuck off,” said Dio.
“As a matter of a fact, I am,” said the man, pulling his identification out. “Officer Leone Abbacchio. I keep a this Walmart safe since a 2001 when I was a fired from a da mafia.”
“I think the only thing Walmart needs to be kept safe from is you, freak,” said Dio. “Let’s go, Y/N.”
“OHHH!! I did not a say you could leave!” said Abbacchio. “I just a hear you say something about a shoplifting.”
“You must have misheard, officer,” you said. “We were just talking about how the atmosphere in this Walmart is so warm and up lifting.”
“Yes,” Dio concurred. “That is, until you showed up and started interrogating us. Can’t you see my partner is heavily pregnant? That kind of stress is terrible for the baby. Shame on you, Leone. Shame.”
“Ohhh, I’m a sorry, I did not a notice. Ciao e buona giornata,” said Abbacchio, segwaying away in shame.
“Can’t believe that worked, cops are so stupid,” you said.
“True,” said Dio.
You continued toward the exit, where another cop was standing waiting to check people’s receipts before they left. “Damn, how are we gonna get past--”
One moment you were in Walmart, and the next it seemed as if you’d teleported out to the parking lot. “--that guy?” Dio must have used his time-stopping ability to sneak past the guard. You could see that he’d snagged about ten Walmart gift cards along the way too.
“Here, these are for you,” said Dio, placing them in your hands. “I hope this will compensate for all the money you’ve wasted buying Froot Loops for me.”
“Um, they don’t have any value until you put money on them.”
“I don’t want to hear it. If you can’t cultivate an attitude of gratitude then we’re done.”
You really were grateful, though. Things could be a lot worse. You could be Pet Shop’s pooper scooper right now if it wasn’t for Dio’s extreme kindness and generosity. “...Thank you,” you said, and meant it.