Work Text:
[Tuesday 10 May, 15:04]
james potter: u up?
lily evans: it’s 3pm
james potter: good observation
lily evans: you need to get more creative with your ‘hi i’m bored can you come over and fuck me’ lines
james potter: did it work though?
lily evans: be there in 15
[Tuesday 10 May, 16:42]
sirius black: ran into lily in the lobby a few minutes ago
sirius black: tell me, when are you going to finally own up to the fact that you fancy the shit out of her and aren’t just casually fucking her with no feelings involved
james potter: hmm, but see, that would require that statement to actually be true
james potter: seriously, it’s just hooking up
james potter: we’ve got a good thing going, i’m not going to ruin that by catching feelings
sirius black: ~catching~ feelings?
sirius black: dude
sirius black: feelings have long since been caught
sirius black: by both of you
james potter: ur wrong but i’m not arguing that point with u anymore
sirius black: because your counterarguments are shit and you know it
[Wednesday 11 May, 20:53]
lily evans: i’m going to kill him i’m going to kill him i’m going to kill him
lily evans: I’M GOING TO KILL HIM
lily evans: give me ONE good reason not to commit murder right now
james potter: you can’t fuck me if you’re in prison?
lily evans: damn you have a point there
james potter: also why are you contemplating murder, that seems extreme
lily evans: two words for you: severus fucking snape
james potter: that’s three words
lily evans: do you want me to kill you too, bud??
james potter: you can’t fuck me if i’m dead
james potter: but seriously, what did that greasebag do
lily evans: remember when i beat him to checking out the last copy of that chemistry research journal from the library?
james potter: i believe you described it as ‘the most victorious day of the semester to date’
lily evans: and i stand by that
lily evans: but ANYWAYS
lily evans: the creepy fucker SNUCK INTO MY ROOM and STOLE IT
lily evans: and had the nerve to leave me a fucking LOVE NOTE in its place
james potter: he left you a love note??
james potter: what does it say?
lily evans: that is not the part of this story you should be fixating on
lily evans: he wheedled his way through the front desk security and came into my room and WENT THROUGH MY STUFF
lily evans: not to mention, the damn journal is still checked out in my name
lily evans: so if he doesn’t return it on time, I’M going to have to pay for it
lily evans: those things are expensive as FUCK
james potter: what a fucking twat
lily evans: i just
lily evans: i can’t with him
lily evans: the creepiness and borderline obsession with me is one thing
lily evans: the fact that he acts like i owe it to him to be in love with him is another
lily evans: but straight-up violating my privacy AND sabotaging my perfect reputation with the university library??
lily evans: i’m taking him down
james potter: hell yeah, you show that fucker once and for all
lily evans: wanna be my accomplice
james potter: that’s perhaps the sexiest thing you’ve ever said
james potter: ofc i will be
lily evans: will text u when i come up with the appropriate revenge scheme
[Thursday 12 May, 13:02]
lily evans: meet me at the library in an hour
james potter: is this part of aforementioned revenge scheme?
lily evans: obviously
james potter: i shall be there
[Thursday 12 May, 15:23]
james potter: okay what the fuck was that
lily evans: in my defense it was not supposed to go that far
james potter: mind telling me what you DID have in mind when telling the librarian that we’re engaged??
james potter: because i’ve been wracking my brain and i’ve got nothing
lily evans: she was supposed to give me edit access to my account to fix my last name
lily evans: which she did
lily evans: and thanks to my BRILLIANT computer skills from there, the journal is checked out in snape’s name instead of mine
lily evans: but clearly i underestimated how close i am with the uni library staff
james potter: no shit
lily evans: anyways, what do you want on our wedding registry
james potter: what
lily evans: i’ve got to give her a wedding website link!! she asked for it, i can’t very well show up at the library next week and not have a wedding website for her
lily evans: i also ordered a £5 ring on etsy
lily evans: it’s huge and tacky and exactly the sort of thing a trust fund baby like u would propose with
james potter: jfc
james potter: put one of those mini waffle makers on there
james potter: also i’m offended that you think so poorly of my ring-picking skills
[Friday 13 May, 9:10]
lily evans: hi, i have a weird request
remus lupin: that’s always a concerning sentence
lily evans: can you take fake engagement photos for me and james??
lily evans: will pay you in bourbon and chocolate
remus lupin: ……. literally what the fuck, lily
remus lupin: why on earth do you need fake engagement photos
lily evans: i need them for our fake wedding website
remus lupin: somehow, that still doesn’t make this make any more sense
lily evans: it’s a long story
lily evans: can you though?
remus lupin: *sigh* yes
lily evans: bless u
[Monday 16 May, 8:57]
lily evans: thoughts??
lily evans: Attachment - 12 Images
james potter: wow
james potter: those look… really good
lily evans: we actually look like an engaged couple
lily evans: like….. go us
lily evans: alright, time to upload these bad boys onto the website
[Monday 16 May, 9:12]
james potter: sirius
james potter: oh dear brother of mine
james potter: who is nothing but kind and supportive and never gives me shit for anything
james potter: how are you this fine evening?
sirius black: spit it out
james potter: as you know, i have been pulled into the most hare-brained of schemes with none other than lily evans
james potter: and it spiralled into remus taking a bunch of fake engagement photos for us this weekend
sirius black: i am well aware
sirius black: you stole my boyfriend from me on what would have otherwise been a chill saturday morning and used him to take pictures in a fucking flower field
james potter: that is correct
james potter: anyways
james potter: it has come to my attention that we make a Very Cute Couple
sirius black: are u saying what i think ur saying
james potter: and now i feel weird because i kind of... wish they weren’t fake??
sirius black: u ARE saying it
sirius black: oh my GOD
sirius black: took you long enough
james potter: hey now, you agreed not to give me shit
sirius black: if you scroll up, you’ll see i never agreed to anything
james potter: i can’t believe you’re being so rude to me in my time of dire emotional distress
[Monday 16 May, 15:32]
remus lupin: heard you finally got your head out of your ass and admitted you like evans as more than a friend slash hookup
james potter: i’m going to kill sirius, he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone
remus lupin: he’d like you to know that he never agreed to that either
remus lupin: but seriously, it was about time
james potter: :( stop making me feel like an idiot for having feelings
remus lupin: you’re not an idiot for having feelings
remus lupin: you ARE an idiot for taking so long to realise you’ve had them
james potter: this is a new development
james potter: i only had friendly feelings for her until yesterday
remus lupin: …… james
remus lupin: you once woke up in the middle of the night to drive to that 24-hour ice cream shop on the other side of town at 3 a.m. so you could take lily her favourite milkshake while she was studying
remus lupin: that is NOT something you do for someone you only have friendly feelings for
james potter: it isn’t???
remus lupin: would you do that for me or peter?
james potter: no
remus lupin: hence, not friendly feelings
james potter: … oh
remus lupin: you are useless
remus lupin: absolutely useless
remus lupin: truly do not know what lily sees in you
james potter: well that’s mean
[Monday 16 May, 16:53]
lily evans: is it sad that i keep forgetting this wedding website is fake??
lily evans: like, i am putting Way Too Much Effort into this given that it is an elaborate ruse to appease some librarians and i keep catching myself fantasising about a real wedding
lily evans: literally what is wrong with me
remus lupin: jfc
remus lupin: you two really ARE meant for each other
[Monday 16 May, 23:49]
james potter: wait what do you mean ‘what lily sees in me’??
james potter: remus?????
[Tuesday 17 May, 10:03]
lily evans: stage 2 of burn snape’s life to the ground begins tomorrow
lily evans: are you ready?
james potter: should i be prepared for a fake marriage this time?
lily evans: haha no, i promise i won’t spring any fake relationship statuses on you this time
lily evans: but now that you mention it…
lily evans: check out this work of art
lily evans: theknot . com / deerlybeloved
james potter: fucking hell, evans
james potter: you went all out
lily evans: umm yeah lol
lily evans: turns out designing a wedding website is a really fun way to procrastinate
[Tuesday 17 May, 10:16]
james potter: she used a deer pun in the fake wedding page name i actually can’t breathe
sirius black: the transition from complete denial to pathetic sod happened even faster than i expected
james potter: you are ruthless
sirius black: remember when i was the pathetic sod about remus and you gave me SO much shit about it??
sirius black: this is payback, bitchhhhhhh
james potter: you’re right, i deserve this
[Wednesday 18 May, 19:34]
james potter: truly, evans, i don’t understand why you’re studying chem when you’re this good at hacking into things
james potter: in other news, i’m having the absolute fucking time of my LIFE on snape’s reddit account rn
james potter: i just wrote a long essay about how i’ve learned the errors of my bigoted ways and am embracing the blm movement and intersectional feminism and i’ve never seen something get so violently downvoted so fast
lily evans: see, this is why i knew you were the right accomplice for this
lily evans: keep destroying his internet reputation and trolling his weird alt-right community with all your research and logic
lily evans: you’re doing amazing sweetie
james potter: studying human rights law does occasionally have its perks
james potter: this, plus ya know the whole ‘making the world a better place’ thing
lily evans: i was about to say
lily evans: i should hope the only perk isn’t trolling the internet
james potter: ahahahahah yessss one of the admins is threatening to kick me out
james potter: also he keeps using mudblood as an insult and i’m like ???
james potter: what does that even mean??
lily evans: somehow i feel like you don’t want to know
james potter: update i found out, and yes you were right, i didn’t want to know
lily evans: in that case, not gonna ask
[Thursday 19 May, 17:35]
severus snape: Potter.
james potter: fuck i really thought i’d blocked your number
severus snape: You’ve pulled childish pranks in the past, but getting me banned from the Death Eaters Messageboard is a new low.
james potter: i’m sorry what
james potter: i don’t know what you’re talking about
severus snape: Cut the bullshit.
severus snape: In the process of reinstating my account - with none of my reputation points, might I add, thanks for that - I’ve acquired photo evidence of the posts that resulted in my expulsion.
severus snape: I know no one else who would both make a play on words about deer and quote a Taylor Swift song in the same sentence. It was obviously you, you childish buffoon.
james potter: haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
severus snape: I’m not joking around here.
james potter: baby i’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
severus snape: You’re going to regret this, mark my words.
james potter: i shake it off, i shake it off
james potter has blocked severus snape
[Thursday 19 May, 19:03]
lily evans: come over i’m bored
james potter: is this a ‘come over so we can have sex’ type of come over or a ‘come over so we can watch the good place for the hundredth time’ type of come over
lily evans: why does it have to be one or the other?
james potter: touché
james potter: omw
[Thursday 19 May, 22:38]
james potter: RED ALERT I HAVE FUCKED UP
james potter: you’re 1000% gonna roast me for this and i don’t fucking care because if i don’t tell someone i’m actually going to explode
sirius black: what happened with lily this time
james potter: bold of you to assume this has to do with lily
sirius black: does it have to do with lily?
james potter: ….. yes
sirius black: my bold assumption proven correct
james potter: anyways, we were shagging, as we do
james potter: and it was the ~heat of the moment~, you know??
sirius black: i am not qualified to give you sex advice, if that’s where this is going
james potter: and i might’ve accidentally told her i loved her
sirius black: oh fuck that’s not where this was going
james potter: and now i don’t know what to doooooo
sirius black: well, what did you do after you said it?
james potter: honestly i blacked out
james potter: i think i backtracked by telling her i meant that i love fucking her and then just like….. left as soon as we were done
sirius black: jesus fucking CHRIST
[Thursday 19 May, 22:54]
remus lupin: sirius is banging his head on the table repeatedly and given that he was texting you a few minutes ago i can only assume you said something on a whole new level of stupid
[Thursday 19 May, 23:01]
james potter: sirius???
james potter: help???
sirius black: i have never gone out on a date with a woman and even i can tell you that that is absolutely NOT what you do when you tell a girl you love them for the first time
sirius black: you absolute knob
james potter: so what do i doooooo
sirius black: tell her the truth maybe?
sirius black: the cat’s out of the bag now anyways and it’s not like you can make things any worse than you already have
james potter: but we agreed no one was going to catch feelings when we started sleeping together!!
james potter: we pinky swore
james potter: i can’t break a pinky swear
sirius black: ffs the fact that you two pinky swore on a sex agreement is something i’ll need to give you shit for at a totally separate time but that’s not the most pressing issue at the moment
sirius black: my point stands, breaking a pinky swear is still an improvement on the current situation
sirius black: just tell her the truth so you two can become that nauseatingly adorable couple and overtake me and remus as the most vomit-inducing pair in college
james potter: ughhhhh
james potter: curse my blood-deprived brain for getting me into this mess
[Saturday 21 May, 9:37]
lily evans: phase 4 of fucking up snape’s life starts today - you ready?
james potter: uhhh yeah
james potter: listen, are you okay?
lily evans: yes? why wouldn’t i be?
james potter: idk
james potter: but good, that’s good
lily evans: yep, it’s good
james potter: how many phases are there to this snape plan anyways?
james potter: will i get to know any of the phases in advance?
lily evans: 4 phases
lily evans: phase 1 was putting the world back in its rightful order, phases 2-4 are all about destroying the things he holds most dear
lily evans: see: his top 5 placement on that alt-right message board (phase 2), and his good reputation with all the chem professors (phase 3)
lily evans: (i handled phase 3 on my own, btw)
james potter: fair enough, don’t know how i would’ve helped with chem professors anyways
james potter: pretty sure one of them (slughorn i think?) hates me from that one time sirius and i let chickens loose in the science building
lily evans: oh god yeah he definitely probably does
lily evans: anyways, phase 4 is sneaking into his room like he did to mine, and you’re gonna leave the note
lily evans: he’ll be properly pissed off if he knows you got in, but he’d probably just wank to a note i left
james potter: thanks for the most cursed mental image of my life
james potter: but you’re prob right tbh
lily evans: anyways, i’m pretty good at picking the locks on the dormitory windows, so i’ll go in that way and unlock his room from the inside - all you’ll need to do is show up
lily evans: tonight at 7
james potter: roger that
[Saturday 21 May, 13:46]
remus lupin: have you talked to lily about the infamous mid-coital ‘i love you’ yet?
james potter: jfc must sirius tell you everything
james potter: and no, i’m getting there i swear
remus lupin: get there faster
[Saturday 21 May, 22:40]
sirius black: is everything okay??
sirius black: actually wait i know the answer to that
sirius black: you came in soaking wet two hours ago and grabbed the bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and have been blasting all too well at top volume ever since
sirius black: everything is definitely not okay
james potter: fcuk lily evans
james potter: and not in the fun way
james potter: i’m never gonna fuck her in the fun way again
sirius black: what happened?
james potter: rememember how we were sabotaging snep’s life
james potter: *sneep
james potter: *snape
james potter: turns out, she and sneep go way back
james potter: motherfucker
james potter: sneep is jsut his name now
james potter: anyways, she set me up and betrayed me
james potter: sneep knew i was gonna be there and put a booby trap on his door, and he and lily were inside LAUGHING at me
sirius black: wait what the fuck
sirius black: lily would never
james potter: but she would apparently
james potter: she even has pictures of them in primary school together
james potter: i just
james potter: fuck
sirius black: that’s actually beyond fucked up
james potter: originally this whole revenge on sneep thing was just me following along with lily’s rage
james potter: but now it’s personal
james potter: the lily revenge plan didn’t have a phase 5, but the james version does
james potter: and i’m taking both of them dwon
james potter: is it petty? yes
james potter: will it actually fix th fact that evans betrayed me? no
james potter: but will it make me feel better? yess
james potter: and that, i think, is a valid reason
james potter: will u hlep me??
sirius black: i mean, i’m always down to fuck with sneep
sirius black: but uhh, maybe sleep off the alcohol first
sirius black: and stop playing all too well
james potter: okye
sirius black: that was not an invitation to start playing you’re not sorry
james potter: taylor swift is th eonly person who gets my sadness right now i cant’ help it
[Sunday 22 May, 9:21]
lily evans: i called you like 5 times last night, why didn’t you pick up
james potter: i wasn’t aware you’d want to talk to me
james potter: too busy hanging out with your bff sneep
lily evans: jfc you’re such a drama queen
james potter: excuse me
lily evans: also god no i’d never hang out with snape
lily evans: sneep? lol
james potter: it was a typo that i’m making into an Official Thing
james potter: you two seemed awfully cozy yesterday
james potter: you know, when you betrayed me and led me straight into a trap
lily evans: ffs i didn’t betray you
lily evans: if you would’ve picked up any of my calls last night, i would’ve been able to explain to you that this was all part of the plan
james potter: wait what
lily evans: i had to make you think i’d betrayed you because you can’t act for shit
james potter: why did you need me to think that
lily evans: for the real phase 4
lily evans: i’m destroying everything snape holds dear
lily evans: which, yes, includes both his weird messageboard reputation and his teacher’s pet status, but you know what’s at the very top of that list?
lily evans: his perpetual wank that i’m going to realise he was the perfect man for him all along
lily evans: hence, i have lulled him into a false sense of believing his fantasy has finally come true so i can crush it under my heel once and for all
james potter: that is… downright diabolical
lily evans: i take revenge crusades very seriously
james potter: ok but how do i know you’re not double crossing me again?
lily evans: bc for fuck’s sake in what world would i EVER want to be with someone who treats me like a fucking prize that he’s owed for being nice to me as a kid??
lily evans: c’mon potter, you know me better than that
james potter: it felt SO REAL yesterday though
lily evans: that is because i, unlike you, am excellent at acting
james potter: why do you keep implying i’m a bad actor??
lily evans: because you are
lily evans: exhibit a - you told me you loved me and then proceeded to full-on panic so hard that you gave the world’s worst cover up and ran away at the first possible moment
james potter: oh god, you noticed that
lily evans: of course i noticed that, because once again, you are the world’s worst actor
james potter: yikes
james potter: i’m sorry, i know i managed to break literally the only rule we had going into this arrangement
lily evans: it’s actually kinda convenient, tbh
lily evans: considering i broke it as well
james potter: you what
lily evans: as it happens, i have somewhat recently come to the realisation that my feelings for you are somewhat outside the bounds of what one would consider ~friendly~
james potter: was it the wedding website
james potter: is that what did it
lily evans: embarrassingly enough…. yes
james potter: SAME
lily evans: wait seriously??
james potter: so serious i’m not even gonna make a sirius pun
james potter: i mean, did you SEE how good we look together??
james potter: evans, we are a POWER COUPLE
lily evans: hell yes we are
james potter: a power couple who takes sneep down once and for all
lily evans: hell yes we are x100
lily evans: come over in a bit? gotta discuss the actual plan
lily evans: i may have an idea that makes it even better
[Sunday 22 May, 10:21]
james potter: on second thought, plans have changed yet again
sirius black: i take it this is a positive change
sirius black: given that you have now taken to blasting call it what you want
james potter: :)
[Sunday 22 May, 13:05]
james potter has unblocked severus snape
james potter: hey bro i just wanted to say i’m sorry for trying to sneak into your room
severus snape: You’re not my bro. Don’t call me that.
severus snape: We both know you’re only apologising because you wanted to get into Lily’s pants.
james potter: not what this is about but go off i guess
severus snape: You’re just jealous because for once, the nice guy did get the girl.
severus snape: Apology not accepted, by the way.
[Sunday 22 May, 13:13]
james potter: Attachment - 1 Screenshot
james potter: at what point do i get to tell him i’ve actually been in your pants
lily evans: your time will come
lily evans: but for now, stop texting sneep and put your phone down so that you can cuddle with your naked girlfriend who’s literally on the other side of the bed waiting for you
james potter: don’t have to ask me twice
[Sunday 22 May, 13:57]
lily evans: hey sev? wanna meet me at the founder’s garden this afternoon?
severus snape: Of course. Let’s do 4.
lily evans: looking forward to it xx
[Sunday 22 May, 18:59]
sirius black: heard sneep had a temper tantrum so dramatic half of the college overheard it
james potter: it was iconic
sirius black: also heard you and evans are engaged now???
james potter: ah, that part is just hearsay
james potter: we decided to lean into the fact that we’ve already got a fake wedding website and just throw a fake proposal in there for good measure
james potter: it’s still not an actual engagement
james potter: but sneep doesn’t know that, and he never will
sirius black: that is so fantastically stupid, but then again, i don’t know why i’d expect anything less from you two at this point
james potter: i am going to buy her a less shitty ring though - not like an actual diamond one, but something in the middle ground, ya know?
james potter: if she’s gonna wear it all the time it might as well be nice
[Sunday 22 May, 23:41]
severus snape: You are despicable.
severus snape: You stole the girl who was clearly MINE. Lily loved ME first.
james potter: first of all, lily doesn’t belong to anyone
james potter: second of all, she picked me
severus snape: And we all know you’re just going to drop her as soon as you get your dick wet.
james potter: not that our sex life is any of your business, but i can assure you that i have already disproven that theory
severus snape: That’s disgusting. I didn’t need to know that.
james potter: i mean, you’re the one who keeps bringing things back to getting into lily’s pants
james potter: just wanted to share that the experience is indeed a pleasant one, 10/10 would recommend, not that you’ll ever get to experience it for yourself
severus snape: Fuck. You.
james potter: you know what i think, sneep?
severus snape: My name is Snape. Surely your pea brain can at least spell that properly.
james potter: i think you need to calm down
james potter: you’re being too loud
james potter has blocked severus snape
[Monday 23 May, 12:54]
lily evans: fyi the uni library staff sent us one of those mini waffle makers as an engagement gift
james potter: oh my god
james potter: best fake engagement ever
lily evans: figured you’d enjoy that