Chapter Text
“爸？Hello？我剛才到大學。對對。Dad, I’ll be fine. 你吃飯了嗎?” （Dad? Hello? I just got here. Yeah, I’ll be fine. Have you eaten yet?)
Ellie had just gotten off the plane at Des Moines Airport. When she had first applied to Grinnell, she didn’t quite emotionally accept that she was moving almost half way across the country. Not only did she leave her whole life, but the few people in it that loved her. Not to mention it took her 2 hours of trying not the throw up on the bus and another 3 hours of suppressing a panic attack on the plane. The second she had landed, she had seen a few missing calls from her dad. Despite sounding his normal calm on the phone, there was the slightest sound of new-found urgency in his correspondence. She smiled sadly, imagining him at home with his TV dinners, an empty space next to where she would normally be. Paul had assured her that he would drop by weekly to make sure he was alive, and that she had nothing to worry about.
Just enjoy college life, smarty pants! :3
His last text had been before she took off, followed by a steady flow of sporadic memes throughout the year. She was going to miss him. The best friend she had ever had.
The first year had whizzed by, in all its ups and downs. Ellie was in a Philosophy and English Literature course, overwhelmed by the fellow snarky cynics she would encounter in her classes. Within the first few weeks, she had been adopted by a group of Asians who seemed to recruit new prospective members every year. Since she was used to being the only Asian around, it was astonishing to meet so many others who had the same experience as her. Most of them were also the only Asian person from their small town, resorting to the texts of long-dead scholars as a source of comfort, desperate to live and find a sense of belonging somewhere. Since there weren't that many non-white people anyways, it was easy to get to know the community. Even though she would describe herself as pretty introverted, the steady presence of other likeminded people allowed her social skills to develop, especially if there was alcohol involved. The best part was that everyone was also extremely intellectually driven (how could they not be?), and they could all talk In deep discourse about their favourite philosophical meditations. Here, she was also known as Ellie Choo-choo, but only because of her “wicked trains of thoughts” in academic debate. She thought about Aster often, even though the only news she heard from her was the occasional late night 5AM pondering.
Diega Rivera: Did you know that if you cut the branches off some trees, it can grow into a completely new one?
She had attached a photo of a luscious water-colour painting that depicted a willow with broken branches. It looked as if it was weeping new trees into existence.
ChingShihReallyDidThat: That’s beautiful. I dig it.
Diega Rivera: I had to admit, it’s strange to talk to you and reimagine that every text and letter I got was from you.
ChingShihReallyDidThat: I think it’s weird that you’re still using Ghost Messenger to text me.
Diega Rivera: :)
I guess you’re right.
They would ramble about other things, as if their letter correspondence had never stopped. One of them would go to sleep eventually, and they wouldn’t message for months. By the end of the year, Ellie realised she didn’t even know where Aster went to school. She didn’t want to push reality onto their “relationship”, if she could even call it that. Even after a year in college, she was no closer to understanding the intricacies of intimacy. Though she did have some regrettable drunk make-out sessions at queer parties, Aster was always in the back of her head. Ellie couldn’t resist scrolling through her Instagram every now and then, watching from afar…as if it didn’t come naturally for her to survey Aster’s life from a distance.
Ellie would’ve thought that in a completely new environment, she would’ve found someone else to focus all of her romantic energy towards. There were a few people who had asked her out, boys and girls alike, and she had finally become comfortable with saying that she was “gay”. It came to no surprise to anyone when she said for the first time in one of her hangouts in the first week. Even her classic Southern Belle roommate, Ginger, who happened to be the first person she came out to, was hilariously nonchalant about it. After Ellie had confessed she had never said it out loud before, Ginger gave her a big hug.
“Oh my gosh. Was that the first time you said that to anyone?” Ellie, though frustrated with the lack of shock, was happy with the response.
She wondered if she would tell her dad when she went back to Squahamish for the summer. Though he never said it, Ellie knew that her dad loved her no matter what, but she wasn’t sure if he’d take it well.
“I’m sure he’ll be fine with it.”
Paul had once come through to Grinnell to visit her, and they had a lengthy discussion at the local diner about her father in-between mouthfuls.
“How is he?”
“Your dad? You’ll be happy to know that I make dumplings even better than him now!”
Ellie looked at him sceptically. He could never know how grateful she was that Paul was keeping him company.
“He’s agreed to teach me some of your moms and his recipes to incorporate into my Munsky Sausages.”
Paul told her all about going around various places in Washington with his culinary invention, and how Ellie’s letters of recommendation had launched his career into being known as local hero. Though reluctant at first, his family finally agreed to sponsor his own little food truck, and he drove all over town to make deliveries. His main clientele was mostly the local stoners and lazy high schoolers, but he started to cater for small town events as well. His parent have never been prouder.
After he devoured his burger, he paused.
“So, have you talked to Aster at all?”
“Not really…Have you?”
“Ha! I couldn’t talk to her before, what makes you think I could now?”
“I guess this means you’ve moved on?”
“I guess I just realised I didn’t really love her. Like, that wasn’t real love.”
“Wow Paul, I’m impressed. Does this mean you know what real love is now?”
“Well, I met another girl a few months after you left. She was so easy to talk to and we have so much in common. Her name’s April.”
He showed off cute selfies on his phone of a lovely looking girl that seemed just as wholesome and cuddly as he was.
“I think I understood at some point that I was just obsessed with her. Like, I didn’t know her. I didn’t get anything she said to me, really. That’s probably why I was so nervous to even meet her. But with April, it’s like, we can watch 5 hours of Adventure Time together and laugh and then have loads of sex. It’s perfect. She's nice and likes sausages and gives good hugs. And she's really pretty.”
“Yeah…I don’t see Aster being into cartoons that much.”
“Yeah, she more of a nerd. But like, a super hot nerd. Probably better for someone like you.”
Paul winked and shoved Ellie playfully.
“I hear she’ll be back in Squahamish this summer too.” Paul looked cautiously at Ellie, curious to see her reaction.
“Well, I suppose I will be too.”
They sat in silence for a few seconds. Paul thought it best to change the subject.
“And I can’t wait for you to meet April. We met at a Sausage Convention in Seattle. She lives a few hours away from Squahamish, but she’s really excited to meet you.”
“You told her about me?”
“Of course I did!”
He looked around in jest, as if to make sure no-one was listening. Then he said blankly:
“You’re kinda my best friend.”
Ellie’s heart could’ve bursted from the sentiment. She shoved it down, lest she risk looking emotional. Looking away from him, she begrudgingly said very quietly:
“You’re my best friend too.”
“Hehe, I thought so! But definitely it’s a close one between you and your dad.”
Ellie laughed that even after all these time, Paul still called her father, “Ellie’s Dad.”
It took a whole week of mental preparation and annoying online bookings to sort out her return to Washington. She was excited to tell her Dad all of her college activities. It was more likely that they wouldn’t talk more than usual, but at least she could bring back all her graded papers and some photos depicting her social life. The school canteen was infinitely better than the microwave meals that she had survived off of in her high school days, but she had a nostalgic taste for those frozen Shepard’s pies they’d always eat on Sundays while watching whatever stupid movie on the television. She had saved up some money to buy him courses for English by offering essay advice and tutoring, finally able to maintain a flourishing business in the open air. Ellie thought it might encourage him to look for another more fulfilling job. As far as she was aware, her father was helping out at the train station again, which was a tremendous improvement already. It was odd to think that she was Asian parenting her own Asian parent. She had to suppose this is what her mother would’ve wanted. At this, she made a mental note to ay a visit to her Humanities teacher, Mrs. Geselschap, who had been her saviour and biggest support during those four grueling years of high school. She was forever grateful that she had pushed her to go to college in a school, rather than stay in Squahamish.
Then, there was the prospect of seeing Aster. A lot can happen in a year, and the last she had heard of her was late night link to an article talking about Espinoza’s essays on God’s existence. There was a possibility that she would be asked to play organ at the church again, despite the dramatic events that had occurred there the year before. She needed the cash, and they didn’t have many good piano players in town.
After a few lovely goodbyes with new friends and a firm excitement for the oncoming academic year, she had to momentarily divorce herself from her life at Grinnell. When the day to return had arrived, she took a deep breath before leaving her campus.
“Squahamish, here I come.”