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"It’s really coming down out there," Ryusui says, his voice echoing around them, half muffled by the sound of rain hitting the dirt outside the cave. There’s a sharp flash of light as lightning strikes, followed by a clash of thunder, loud and abrupt, and Tsukasa, whose eyes have long since adjusted to the darkness, frowns at the way Ryusui flinches, shoulders drawing up and then forcibly relaxing in the span of a second.
They should’ve stayed in the settlement with the others, Tsukasa thinks, should’ve left the water gathering to the ones more familiar with the terrain around the camp. But instead, he’d let Ryusui talk him into coming along to the stream with barely any argument on his part, because he’s weak and stupid and doesn’t know how to say no when faced with - that excited grin, slightly crooked, and the bright wide eyed look that comes along with it.
He pushes his hair out of his face and carefully leans against the wall of the cave, feeling the rock at his back dig into his skin, sharp and unforgiving, painful enough that it would leave marks on someone as light skinned as Ryusui, who bruises as easily as a peach despite his outer demeanor.
He wiggles his toes to try and chase out the numbness that’s settled in from the cold floor of the cave.
“I thought you could tell when a storm is coming.”
“I can,” Ryusui says, and he’s smiling, as if their situation isn’t absolutely miserable, “but I wasn’t paying attention to the sky. I didn’t think I needed to.”
Tsukasa sighs, resting his arms on his knees and propping his chin on them. Is he not taking this seriously, or does he not care enough about his own life to be worried right now? “We’ll have to wait it out. If we go out in this rain we could get sick and we can’t afford to take that risk in this kind of world.”
Ryusui shrugs, getting on his knees and shuffling forward, closer to Tsukasa. “It should clear up before sunrise.”
“It’s barely 8 p.m." Tsukasa says, unable to hold back his surprise. "Do you mean to say this could take all night?”
Ryusui moves to sit beside him and on instinct Tsukasa throws an arm around his shoulders, stopping him from leaning against the edged wall and instead pulling him against his side. As soon as he realizes what he’s done, he freezes, face burning as Ryusui looks up at him through his lashes. He’s just about to pull his arm off when Ryusui speaks, “Yes, that’s what I’m saying.” He faces away from Tsukasa and shifts against him, making himself comfortable.
Ok then, Tsukasa thinks, looking at the pitch black end of the cave. They’re...cuddling, and while that certainly wasn’t his intention when he tried to stop Ryusui from hurting his back on the wall, he doesn’t think the way his heart is drumming against his chest is any kind of protest against their current position. He wonders if this is what Minami meant when she talked of butterflies - wonders if it’s also supposed to feel like the burning hot lava trailing down his spine.
He says, “It’ll get very cold at night and we don’t have anything to warm up with.”
Ryusui lets out a faint sound of confusion and when Tsukasa looks at him he’s already staring back, an eyebrow raised in question. “We have each other,” he says, as if it should be obvious.
And maybe to him it is, because Ryusui isn’t hyper-aware of every point of contact between them like Tsukasa is, he doesn’t feel his heart tremble at every single touch. Of course he wouldn’t care whether or not they have to be close. His non-reaction wasn’t to spare Tsukasa the embarrassment, it was really just that, a non-reaction.
The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. That’s what they say, isn’t it?
“I don’t know if body heat will be enough,” Tsukasa says, looking at the rock lined ceiling and avoiding Ryusui’s gaze. His stomach curls with something unpleasant - he doesn’t want to look closely at it, afraid he might find something ugly. “It might be for me, but you’re considerably smaller.”
“I’ll be fine!” Ryusui insists, patting him on the hand he has slung over his shoulder. His fingers linger for a moment, soft and small against Tsukasa’s skin, before he brings his hand back down to his lap. “It’s not that cold in here, anyway, and your hair is warm!” He pulls on Tsukasa’s hair, covering his neck with it like one would with a scarf.
“I don’t think-” Tsukasa trails off, frowning at the expectant look on Ryusui’s face. His eyes are so big, it doesn’t seem fair at all. “I mean, if you say so...”
They drift into silence, both quietly listening to the storm raging outside, the harsh winds blowing against the trees. Tsukasa wonders if the others are dealing okay with such an unexpected change in the weather. He’s sure they’re better off than him and Ryusui, but, well, even the statues are better off than them right now, so that isn’t saying much.
He’s just starting to nod off, unable to resist the pull of sleep that comes with the sound of the rain, when suddenly Ryusui twists around in his hold, prompting him to drop his arm back down.
“No, no,” Ryusui says, catching his hand in his and pulling it back against his neck. “Just-” he taps Tsukasa’s knee until he hesitantly splays both his legs out, confused, and then he throws one of his over Tsukasa’s, rendering him speechless for a moment, his heart coming to rest at the back of his tongue, ready to leap out of his mouth.
“What are you doing?” He asks, somehow managing not to stumble over his own words. He considers the possibility that he might have actually fallen asleep and this is some kind of dreamed up fantasy his tired mind conjured - but then Ryusui places a hand on his shoulder and he thinks, ‘No, that can’t be it.’ Even his brain couldn’t replicate the warmth that floods his chest at that simple touch.
“We should talk,” Ryusui says.
Which, ah, seems like something he would say, except: Tsukasa would be content listening to Ryusui's voice all afternoon if he was given the chance, but actually going back and forth with meaningless chatter isn't something he's used to. He isn't the talkative type, anyone who knows him could attest to that, so he's confused as to why exactly Ryusui thinks asking this of him will lead anywhere, when he has to be aware of Tsukasa's shortcomings. What could he possibly be expecting to come out of it?
"Why?"
"Why not?"
He frowns and looks at the relaxed tilt of Ryusui's mouth, the steady way his eyes are fixed on him. Immediately, it becomes apparent that there's no secret agenda, no test to draw out Tsukasa's secrets.
He wants to laugh at himself for over-thinking.
With Ryusui, it's always as simple as one thing: a plain and straightforward whim.
"What do you want to talk about?" He asks, tentatively.
"What was it like, being on ice?” Ryusui says almost instantly, as if the question had been sitting on his tongue the whole time they’d known each other. ”What's the last thing you remember?"
Tsukasa lets out a breath, closing his eyes and trying to recall the exact moment his life was put on hold for the second time. Ryusui had still been petrified, and looking back on it now, Tsukasa realizes that the possibility of him dying back then and never getting to meet him had been very real. His heart clenches in his chest - a sudden and fierce gratitude towards Senku, for forgiving him, for saving him, and for giving him the chance to live long enough to meet Ryusui.
"I remember how cold it was,” he says, softly, “and Senku's voice at the very end, talking to me.” He opens his eyes and looks down at his hand, clenching and unclenching it. “I didn't dream, though, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m pretty sure I was mostly dead before I was revived by the petrification device."
“I know,” Ryusui says around a loud exhale.
Tsukasa turns to him, eyebrows raised in surprise. “You do?”
“I know enough to know there was no way you could’ve been alive.” He pushes away the few strands of hair falling into his eyes. “I thought maybe you remembered- something, you know. About what happens after.” He shrugs. “But I guess it’s really just nothingness , huh.”
Tsukasa thinks about lying, telling him that ‘no, actually, it was pretty nice, there were flowers and angels and everything people mention in the books’, but decides against it almost as soon as the thought comes. Instead, he says, “Yeah, that’s the best way I’d describe it. Cold, Senku, and then - nothing.” He lets himself play with the ends of Ryusui’s hair, subtly enough that he might not be noticed at all.
“Do you believe in fate?” Ryusui asks. His voice is low, but his usual energy remains despite the unexpectedly serious topic.
“Fate?”
“The idea that our paths are set out for us from the beginning and any amount of control we think we have over our lives is nothing but an illusion,” he says, as if reciting from a book.
“Well, hm, that’s a tough one,” Tsukasa says, for lack of anything better to reply with. He didn’t expect philosophical questions. He thought they’d talk about their favorite foods, not this. “I don’t necessarily believe that. The idea that good things are waiting for us, that they’re preplanned and will be there regardless of what we do, is a comforting one. But then that would mean all the bad things are out of our control too, and I don’t think anyone likes to think about that.” He lets out a sigh, tilting his head away from Ryusui. “Why do you ask? I took you for the sort of guy that wants to take destiny into his own hands.”
Ryusui laughs. “I am.” He taps a finger to Tsukasa’s chest. “I’m just curious. You rarely talk about yourself, it’s nice to hear what you think about stuff.”
“Oh.” Tsukasa feels the blood rushing to his face and bites down on the smile that threatens to break over his lips. He was... unprepared for that. “I see.”
“I like the idea of reincarnation,” Ryusui says, nodding to himself. “But what you said got me thinking: if all there was was nothingness, then that could mean one of two things. One,” he lifts one finger, “that reincarnation isn’t a thing at all, or two,” he lifts another one, “that fate is real and you were never meant to die from the start, and that’s why you didn’t get back into the cycle.”
“I certainly didn’t reach nirvana.”
Ryusui laughs again, and it makes something warm and light bloom behind Tsukasa’s ribcage; he wants to hear that laugh for the rest of his life.
He’s become too greedy, as of late.
“Now I just have to decide which option I’d rather believe,” Ryusui continues on. “The idea that there’s no reincarnation, or the idea that there is but in exchange we’re all chained by the makings of fate.”
“Sounds very dramatic when you say it like that,” Tsukasa comments dryly.
“Isn’t it, though?” He lifts his hands in the air, as if grasping for something. “Maybe it’s better to not have an idea at all.”
“Maybe,” Tsukasa agrees.
Absent-mindedly, his eyes fall on Ryusui’s raised arms and he notices the goosebumps spread all over his skin. ‘ Oh,’ he thinks, seeing his own breath ghosting in front of his face, ‘it’s gotten colder.’
He carefully pushes Ryusui’s leg off his lap and crawls away from his side, ignoring the surprised, “Wait, where are you going-”, that follows him.
How didn’t he notice it sooner? Was he so easily distracted by conversation?
He pulls off his cloak and hangs it out in front of him. It’s long enough to fall from his shoulders to just below his knees, and Ryusui is smaller than him so it should cover most of his body, or at least from his feet to his chin. He glances at the wall behind them, with all its jagged edges, and realizes that without his cloak to protect his back he can’t lean against it without breaking his skin.
“You’re cold, we should lie down,” he says, pulling gently on Ryusui’s arm until they’re kneeling side by side.
Ryusui looks down at his own arms, a look of understanding falling over his face. “I’m not that cold, that’s just my body’s reaction to-”
“We should lie down,” Tsukasa repeats, smiling in a way he hopes shows how little room for argument there is.
Ryusui swallows and looks down at the ground. “It’s all...muddy and gross, though,” he says, wrinkling his nose in disgust. Tsukasa’s mind screams ‘cute!’ on repeat, and he momentarily wishes he’d gotten hit by lightning before they found shelter.
“We need to sleep,” he reasons, lowering himself on his back and pulling the cloak over his body until it’s covering him from feet to mid-chest.
Ryusui remains in place, staring at him with a strange expression on his face. Tsukasa is just about to tell him to lie down already when he finally relents, slowly moving under the cloak and up against his side, like he belongs there. And, oh, right, Tsukasa’s shirtless now, he can feel Ryusui’s bare arms against his ribs.
Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
“Warm,” Ryusui says, his breath hitting Tsukasa’s shoulder as he turns his head sideways to look at him. “Your skin is really warm, Tsukasa.”
“I run hot,” Tsukasa replies, trying and failing to ignore the way his heart has decided to enter a race against the rain falling outside. Bump, bump, bump, bump. This is getting ridiculous.
“I never realized.”
“Well, we don’t sleep together all that often,” he says, injecting enough humor into his voice to let Ryusui know it’s mostly a joke.
“Right,” is the only answer he gets, strangely subdued.
Silence falls over the cave once again, but this time not even the sound of the rain can lull Tsukasa to sleep. He can feel his heartbeat in his ears and he wonders if Ryusui can hear it too with how loud it is. He hopes he can’t, that’s a new level of embarrassment he doesn’t think he’d be able to face right now.
Almost as if reacting to Tsukasa’s thoughts, Ryusui shifts against him, his cold hand coming to rest on Tsukasa’s chest - which, uh, what?
He feels his breath catch in his lungs, the sensation of something hot and tingly crawling all over his skin. Only recently has he been reintroduced to the concept of gentle touches; through his sister, who’s all but committed to reminding him every day how much she loves him. He’s not ready for whatever this is. He can’t handle Ryusui’s hand over him, soft and heavy, an almost uncaring afterthought to his actions. He wants it gone as desperately as he wants it there, which leaves him in an inbetween state of desire versus fear.
Ryusui’s fingers gently trail down his torso, down the middle of his belly and up again to his collarbone. Tsukasa remains frozen in place, unable to react in any way aside from staring wide eyed at the ceiling and letting out short hitched breaths.
The touching continues for a long time, and as Ryusui’s hand slowly moves all across his chest and over his shoulders, Tsukasa begins to suspect that this isn’t a purposeless sort touching at all. The movements of his hand form a pattern, rubbing in circular motions before moving on to a different place.
Ryusui is trying to warm him up.
It’s surprising and sweet in such a subtle way that Tsukasa feels like crying, the honey that’s been building up inside his chest overflowing and spilling out behind his breastbone. Ryusui’s proximity to him is enough to make his blood boil, but this is on another level altogether - he feels as though he’s about to evaporate.
“Ryusui,” he chokes out, grabbing Ryusui’s hand in his. “It’s okay, I’m, uh, warm enough.”
“Oh,” Ryusui breathes out, his fingers twitching against Tsukasa’s palm. “Um, sorry, I was - distracted.”
“Distracted?” Tsukasa says, feeling mild annoyance peek out from under the overwhelming urge to shake himself free from the warm body next to him.
Ryusui clears his throat, turning his hand in Tsukasa’s grip until their fingers are laced, deliberate enough that it couldn’t be mistaken for an accident.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Uh,” Tsukasa hesitates, “yes,” he says, trying to keep his hand from trembling too obviously in shock.
Cuddling, fondling, and now hand holding - the fact that none of it has the meaning he wishes it had is upsetting in a way he isn’t accustomed to. His luck has always been abysmal, but this is taking it to some new heights.
“Do you...dislike me?”
He looks down, startled, and his eyes meet Ryusui’s bright ones. There’s no worry in his gaze, no fear or insecurity. He asked a simple question and he expects a simple answer.
“No,” Tsukasa says firmly, head swimming with unwanted thoughts and questions he’d rather leave unanswered.
“Okay,” Ryusui says, lips spreading into a wide grin. “I knew that, I just wanted to confirm it.”
Tsukasa lets out a breath, eyes moving to their joined hands. It sends a thrill down his spine, seeing Ryusui’s fingers intertwined with his.
“Why?”
“Everyone kept saying you wouldn’t like me - back before you were revived, I mean. When they still just talked about you like they were all walking on eggshells.” Ryusui rubs his cheek against Tsukasa’s side, his cold nose brushing softly across his skin. “I thought they were messing with me, of course, but then I met you and you really did seem to avoid me quite a bit, so for a while I thought maybe they’d been right.”
“No-” Tsukasa goes to say, but Ryusui sends him another smile and he closes his mouth around his words.
“Yeah, I know. You’re not very expressive, are you, Tsukasa?”
“I…”
“It’s okay, I like that about you,” Ryusui says as he fiddles with Tsukasa’s fingers. “It’s challenging, trying to figure out what you’re thinking. I like it.”
“You do?” Tsukasa asks, feeling as though the conversation has long since slipped away from him. No one’s ever told him they like that side of him - most of the time it’s the exact opposite. He’s used to being misunderstood.
“Everyone is special in their own way and you’re no different.” Ryusui throws one of his legs over Tsukasa’s and locks his knee around it, pulling himself up and over Tsukasa’s body until he’s lying on his chest, looking down at him. Their linked hands stay trapped between them. “I think you’re very special.”
“W-what are you doing?” Tsukasa asks, voice thin and shaky. Forget being cold - he can feel sweat drip down the back of his neck and every place Ryusui is touching on his body feels like it’s on fire.
“Are you brave, Tsukasa?” Ryusui smiles, eyes splitting into half moons.
“What?”
“I’m brave,” he whispers as he leans forward, face coming close enough to Tsukasa’s that the usually hidden specks of gold in his eyes become visible. “So? Are you?”
“I don’t understand,” Tsukasa says, desperately, shutting his eyes tight. “I don’t-”
“Don’t run away.” Ryusui pulls his hand out of Tsukasa’s and uses it to cup his cheek. “I don’t think I’m wrong, but tell me to stop if I am.”
And then he feels something touch his lips - something soft and warm and wet. Another set of lips , his muddled mind supplies, and he opens his mouth in a halted gasp, arms coming up to circle around Ryusui’s waist. ‘ Kissing ,’ he thinks, half dazed, ‘we’re kissing!’
He’d thought he was tired, but suddenly his body is thrumming with energy, alight with such an overpowering sense of excitement that he fears he’ll explode on the spot. It’s too hot, everything is too hot.
He pushes up into the kiss, letting Ryusui feel how much he wants it, how much he’s been wanting it - him. His hands dig into the fabric of Ryusui’s coat and he lets himself drown in the feeling, absorb as much of it as he can, in case this is his only chance to do so.
When they finally pull apart from each other, he slowly opens his eyes to find Ryusui watching him with a strange smile, cheeks red and lips swollen. Tsukasa’s own lips feel heavy on his face, tingly and bruised, like a note left behind saying Nanami Ryusui was here.
“You didn’t tell me to stop,” Ryusui says, his free hand coming up to play with the ends of Tsukasa’s hair.
“No,” Tsukasa breathes out. “I didn’t want you to.”
“I know.”
“Why do you have to act like you already know everything?” Tsukasa asks, pursing his lips.
“I don’t know everything,” Ryusui says, dropping Tsukasa’s hair to tenderly brush his thumb over his cheek. “I just know you. ”
“Hardly.”
“No, I do.” He tilts his head, staring softly down at him. “It’s difficult to ignore you, you know?”
Tsukasa thinks of the way his eyes can’t ever seem to avoid following Ryusui whenever he’s around. It’s almost liberating, finding out that he’s not alone in this.
He says, “It’s difficult to ignore you too.”
Ryusui’s smile widens.
Tsukasa looks away and clears his throat. “I didn’t know.”
“That I like you?” Ryusui asks, and at Tsukasa’s answering nod he says, “I didn’t tell you.”
“But you knew I felt the same. How?”
Ryusui lets out a laugh. “I didn’t.”
Tsukasa looks back at him. “You said-”
“Not for sure, at least, not until today. Like I said, you’re hard to read.” He closes his eyes. “But then you didn’t mind when I touched you earlier, which meant you either liked it, or you were indifferent to it.” His lips jut out as he talks, as if he’s embarrassed. “I like to look on the positive side, so I took a risk.”
“So you didn’t know?” Tsukasa asks, confused.
“I know now!” Ryusui says, throwing his arms around Tsukasa’s shoulders and pulling him into an awkwardly positioned hug. “That’s what matters, isn’t it?”
Tsukasa stares at the back of Ryusui’s head for a long moment, and then, “Ryusui, you-”
Ryusui pulls back just enough to look at him, a curious expression on his face.
“-you’re actually pretty reckless, aren’t you?”
“No,” Ryusui snickers, dipping his head down. “I just evaluate risks better than you.”
He pulls him into another kiss and Tsukasa closes his eyes against the feeling, letting his mind wander over nothing for a moment. He didn’t think he’d like it this much: lying down, feeling the heat emanating from Ryusui’s body, tasting him on his tongue.
“It was worth it, wasn’t it?” Ryusui whispers against his mouth.
And, well, he’s not wrong, is he?
“It was.”
END.