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To be honest with you when he walked into the room he wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but the group of four polar opposite people arguing with their Chief was not it. He also hadn’t expected them to be covered in some dust-like component, but he definitely didn’t expect the grouchy man in a suit. “Who the hell is this trout to tell me how to do my job?!”
He had timed his entrance perfectly, “I’ll tell you who I am….” and the more he talked the more that smug look was wiped off the man’s face, it was very entertaining.
“Mr. Trout, it is an honor.” The man tried to suck up to him, but he wasn’t having it, he also wasn’t going to have a man covered in dust touch his hand. When he put out his elbow, the man shook it anyways, seems like he’s used to being around odd behaviors, interesting . After that it got increasingly silent, he wasn’t going to say anything and neither were they, “So, is Trout a family name, or?”
“You’re fired.”
A collective, “What?” goes around the table, all except for the young man on the left side, also interesting . “You have the chance now to tell me why you shouldn’t be.” He watched each character at the table as he spoke, but the young man seemed too calm, while the woman seemed annoyed, the black man confused, and the older man just plain furious.
“I don’t know, Mr. Trout,” Is he using his name because it’s funny or as an intimidation factor? “It seems to me that the department is in pretty good shape. I mean over the last seven years we’ve solved something in the neighborhood of,” the boy looks over at the older man and the woman, “of what, a hundred homicides?” He laughs and the older man points at him with a nod, he needs to break this up.
“Well, the fact that Santa Barbara is murder central suggests a major lack of deterrent.” That causes the man to open and close his mouth in anger. He ignores the man and looks over at the boy, “In truth, you’re kind of a joke.”
“People love to laugh and be held down and tickled.” Which may be true for children,
“So you must be the psychic detective.”
“Shawn Spencer and this is my partner Burton Trout.”
“No relation.” Burton said.
That’s not funny. Partner? Romantic? Friends? Work?
“I don’t believe in psychics.”
“Well I can assure you, we’re very real, not unlike the Yeti and all his play friends.” What kind of joke is this guy really?
“Prove yourself to me. Come on read me.” Shawn stands up and does some stupid hand on head thing and smirk,
“I am sensing you are approximately 41, nay 42 years old. You are a germaphobe, an obsessive hand-washer, and hand wrangler. You’re a big fan of a Dyson Airblade because of the way it makes you feel in other places. You hail from Buffalo. Your favorite sport is Basketball. And you had a Golden Retriever named Buddy, that was a very lonely boy’s friend in the whole wide world.” He takes his hand down and grins, psychic bullshit.
“No, in fact even less so than I did two minutes ago.” Shawn frowns, “I have no idea where you got the Basketball or the dog thing.” Shawn looks around the table and Burton scoffs,
“They watched Air Bud last night.” They? They who? He’s really stopped paying attention to what Shawn is saying until he starts to bark. And then he notices the older man scowling at Shawn.
“Okay walk me through today’s fiasco and leave nothing out.”
“I thought you said it was a run-of-a-mill case?”
“Welcome to Santa Barbara, Mr. Trout.” Burton grinned.
“I guess it’s fair for me to assume that you did not follow procedure and immediately contact the department though, right?”
“That is where you’d be wrong Mr. Trout. The first call I made was to the department.”
“Sorry Teddy Bear, I have to whisper because I’m standing next to a guy that’s about to be very dead very soon. O-okay, I will.“ The man, Lassiter glares at Shawn and covers his eyes in frustration.
“No, I meant a call to report the alleged murder.”
“Oh no. No, we didn’t do that,” In the awkward silence Burton reveals that he and the blonde, Juliet, are a couple.
“So you two are an item?” He says looking at the two sitting next to one another.
“For the record, I always thought it was unprofessional.” Lassiter looks at him with a smirk.
“Oh, you’re one to talk! You married Shawn!”
Lassiter whips his head around to Juliet, “That was before I was Head Detective!” He sneers defensively.
“Let me get this straight, you two.” He points at Juliet and Burton, “are together. And you two,” He points at Shawn and Lassiter, “Are married?”
An officer walks into the office with sandwiches and Lassiter huffs, “At least I’m not a part-time stripper like McNab!”
“So you stopped your investigation to do this?”
“No, we put him in the back of my car.”
Shawn covers his mouth, “But then something happened.”
Juliet looks up, “Don’t even tell me.”
At the same time, Lassiter’s eyes go wide, “No.” Lassiter and Juliet both jump up and start wiping themselves off, Lassiter hisses, “You said it was cake mix.”
“No, I never said-”
“Yes, you did!” He growls. “You said you and Gus were gonna go home and you were gonna make homemade twinkies for the kids!”
“Okay, now you’re just making stuff up, Lassie.”
Lassiter pauses for a moment before he runs, “Son of a bitch!” and chokes Shawn.
“Hey!” He tries to break it up by whistling and yelling hey again.
The Cheif walks in, “Oh Carlton!” She runs further in, “Carlton! Let him go! Carlton!”
“Gus, help me.” Shawn chokes out.
“Are you crazy, he’s covered in dead dude Shawn!” He grabs an airhorn and holds the trigger down for a long time while Shawn shoves Lassier off of him and Lassiter finally lets go. “You guys are acting like my nephews!”
Shawn and Lassiter sit at their dining room table, for once in silence, both unbelieving in the day that they had. Trout came in and completely ruined the sanctity of the Police Station, ruining both of their jobs. Lassiter sighs, “At least you can go on that trip with Gus now without worrying about the kids. Since I’m not Head Detective, they’ll cut my hours.”
Shawn nodded, “If you’re sure Lass.”