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“You’ll be extremely lucky if it’s still there. How’d you even forget your credit chit?” Shepard laughs as he walks in the direction of Chora’s Den.
Kaidan bumps their shoulders together. “I was too busy staring at the way your ass looks in those pants.”
Cal grins. “You know the quickest way to my heart.”
Kaidan’s about to say something entirely inappropriate to his recently acquired boyfriend but someone ahead makes him pause. “Hey...someone’s looking at us.” He’s surprised when Shepard noticeably tenses.
A glare sets on his face and he slowly walks closer to the strange man standing near the club entrance.
“Do you know him?” Kaidan asks quietly.
He shakes his head. No, he doesn’t know this man specifically. But he recognizes the intricate blood red lines that form a dagger on his right arm. It’s a tattoo Cal’s quite familiar with because he’s had the same one inked into his own skin since he was fourteen. “What do you want?” he growls.
The stranger puts his hands out. “Hey hey, Shepard. The name’s Finch. I come in peace and all that. No need to act so hostile towards your old friends. The Reds send their regards.”
Kaidan stands beside his boyfriend, feeling very confused but ready to defend Shepard if necessary. But for now he stays quiet and simply watches the way the other two interact.
“Fuck you and fuck the Reds. Tell me why you’re here before I put my fist in your stomach.” Just seeing this man sets Cal’s temper off. He possesses very mixed emotions about his youth, about the years spent in his old gang. Many of these memories are ones he’s spent the better part of his adult life repressing.
“Fine, I’ll get to the point since we’re both busy people. One of our boys, Curt Weisman, was arrested for a minor offense. There’s a turian guard in the Den and I’d like it if you...convinced him to release Curt. If not, well, I’m sure the galaxy would love to learn more about Spectre Shepard’s mysterious past.”
“You really think you can blackmail me? Who cares what a fucking street rat like you says? You’re nothing.”
“I’m you, Cal. You’ll always be one of us and you know exactly how influential some of our contacts can be.” Finch’s eyes focus on Kaidan. “How about this one? Does he know about all the fun things you used to do on Earth?”
He rolls his eyes. “Yes,” he lies easily. “Lucky for me, he likes naughty boys. Look, if it is a minor thing, I’ll see what I can do. But that’s it. I never want to see you again.”
“Fine with me. Let me point you in the right direction...”
Shepard’s expression is one of anger as they head into the club. Kaidan’s right there with him and it’s only a matter of moments before he asks-
“Cal, what’s going on?”
“I...fuck. I promise I’ll explain later, in a better place. Let’s just get through this first, okay?”
He sighs. “Yeah, okay. But are you sure we should do this? He said a ‘minor offense’ but...”
“Oh, I’m sure he’s lying through his fucked up teeth. If they need a spectre’s interference in this, it’s probably bad.”
After a few minutes with the turian guard, Shepard decides against freeing the prisoner. It isn’t minor at all, Weisman poisoned a medical convoy that could’ve killed millions of turians. In the years since Cal left the Tenth Street Reds behind, they’ve morphed into an ultra anti-alien group. They’d always been a bit xenophobic--himself included at one point--but it never came up much on Earth. The blackmail doesn’t matter to him, it’s certainly not worth letting this maggot run free. Shepard walks away but is dragged off to the side quickly.
“Now what?” Kaidan asks worriedly.
“I don’t know...I can’t let him go, he tried to kill a colony.”
“To be so xenophobic you try to harm millions...”
“They weren’t always like that. Terrible, yes. But that wasn’t the sort of work I was doing for them. Come on, we need to deal with Finch.”
The couple returns outside the club. “Fuck off,” Cal snarls. “He tried poisoning an entire turian colony. He’s a fucking murderer.”
“So this is what the Alliance has done to you? Did you forget that you’re a criminal and murderer too?”
“Stealing medical supplies is a whole lot different from poisoning them. You guys are disgusting. There’s a reason I left that life behind.”
He kicks off the wall he’s leaning against. “Oh, I’ve heard the stories. You’re a bit of a legend, don’t you know? You left us and joined the military to be with your little boyfriend. Even took his name like you were married. Huh, Cal Rodriguez? Ha!”
Shepard’s eyes darken at the name the orphanage assigned him. If he dares say anything about Ryan, he’ll rip his fucking tongue right out of his mouth. Finch doesn’t seem to notice, or if he does, he certainly doesn’t take the commander seriously.
Eyes turn to Kaidan and maybe miss the way Cal’s hands twitch. “Ya know, he was a proud member of the Tenth Street Reds for years.” He grins. “I’m sure the galaxy will love that. But then one of your guys shows up and he betrays us, thinks he’s better than us, even goes to live with him.” His gaze returns to Cal and he steps closer to the commander fighting so hard to keep control. “Everyone knows you were the Reds’ number one slut. Is it true he gave you money or were you stupid enough to let him fuck you for free?”
Finch never sees the biotic throw that sends him slamming into the metal wall behind him. Kaidan’s eyes widen at the display and he doesn’t need to check to know he’s dead. He’s a gang member, nobody will care. He glances at Shepard, who’s breathing hard and staring at the corpse he just created.
“Spectre authority, cunt,” Cal murmurs before walking away.
Kaidan follows, highly curious and alarmed. But he knows they can’t talk freely here. Shepard has an apartment in the Presidium though, it’s where they’re staying for the few days they’re on the Citadel. He wants to drag Cal there immediately and receive an explanation, but he also knows it won’t be that easy.
“Fuck!” Shepard suddenly shouts, bruising his fist against the wall.
Kaidan stands unflinching. After a few moments, he carefully approaches him and puts a hand on his shoulder. Cal looks at him, practically hearing all the questions on his tongue.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he growls.
“Is that stuff true?” the lieutenant asks. He wants to know but he hopes Cal knows he’s not accusatory or judgmental. His goal isn’t to make Shepard feel guilty for his troubled and mysterious past.
“What? That I was in a gang, that I committed tons of crime, that I was a whore? Yeah. That all happened.”
“Who was the man he brought up?”
“...I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Cal-”
“I don’t want to talk about it!”
Kaidan hesitates, unsure if this is one of those moments where he’s supposed to give him some space or keep pressing for the truth.
“Just...leave me alone, Kay. I need some time to myself.”
And then the commander storms off, leaving his surprised boyfriend behind. Kaidan lets him go without another word. Part of him is angry at Cal’s attitude, if he can be honest with anyone it’s Kaidan. The rest of him is simply stunned at all this new information and he realizes he really doesn’t know much about Cal’s past. He sighs and continues into Chora’s Den in hopes that his wallet is still there. After that...he’ll find something to pass the time until he thinks Cal is ready.
~~~~~
A couple hours later, Kaidan returns to the apartment. He half-expects the door to be barred shut, but his key opens it without problem. The living room is empty so he places his found wallet on the table and goes to the bedroom. Curtains are draw over the large window but he still easily sees his boyfriend’s outline on the bed. Cal turns his face towards him then he’s standing to open the curtains. Kaidan notices something clutched to his chest. He sits back on the bed and doesn’t protest when Kaidan joins him. The small bundle is placed between them.
Kaidan’s hand goes to the items--dog tags and a picture frame currently switched off. He grabs the frame first and a man he doesn’t know appears on the screen. He has dark brown eyes and short blonde hair. He isn’t looking at the camera but he still has a grin on his face and it looks like he’s saying something. There’s a guitar in his hands, so he’s most likely singing. He looks young, in his early twenties maybe? He changes the picture and this one he does recognize. A teenage Cal. His hair’s longer and messy. He lacks the tattoos on his neck and the scar across his right eye, instead his face is full of piercings. The man is with him, an arm thrown around Cal’s shoulders, and they both look at least a little high. Cal’s arm is out like he’s taking the photo.
Kaidan can’t help but smile at them. The third and final one is the pair again except this time they’re older and wearing suits. They’re dancing together at what must be a wedding. The two of them are laughing but the other man is looking at Cal and it’s so clear to Kaidan how much love is in his eyes. This has to be recent. He stares at them a minute longer before the frame turns black.
He glances at the tags, already knowing they belong to the man.
Major Ryan...Shepard, Alliance Navy.
He stares and stares. Shepard? But Cal’s an orphan and-
Then he remembers what Finch said. Cal Rodriguez. Taking ‘his boyfriend’s’ name. “Who was he?” he finally asks.
“My best friend,” Cal answers so quietly. “Just about everything Finch said was true. I lived at an orphanage in Mexicali until I was twelve, that’s when the Reds picked me up. I was a thief, and a good one.” He takes a deep breath, nervous and not knowing how Kaidan will react to his dysfunctional life. “I was fifteen when I met Ryan, he was twenty-three. He just happened upon me getting my ass beat by some rival gang and fought like four people off all on his own. I begged him not to take me to the hospital so he took me to his apartment and patched me up instead. I left in the morning, thinking I’d never see him again but the next night it was raining and...he let me come back. Trust was a dangerous thing for people like me but he was always so nice to me and never asked for anything in return. I was skeptical at first, so so skeptical of him and his intentions. But there’s just something about Ryan that wins you over, you know you can trust him, that he’s genuine. He ended up becoming the closest friend I’ve ever had.”
“Is he the reason you joined the Alliance? To follow in his footsteps?”
He laughs a bit. “No. No, I’ve...never fit in with the Alliance. Not many people realize that after Torfan, I left. For almost two years before I went to N School and immediately got kicked out. Now I’m here as a commander and I keep waiting for the right moment to retire again but-” He shakes his head. “I’m getting distracted. No, I didn’t join because he ‘inspired’ me or anything. I basically lived with him for two years. I was still in the gang but things were...strained. I was nearing the end of my time with them one way or another. Then I was seventeen and he sat me down and told me he had to go on an off planet mission for a year to help a new colony. That was...one of the worst days of my life. I begged him not to go, to quit the Alliance. I knew he couldn’t. But before he left I wanted to show him how much he changed me, that I was done with the gang for good. But it’s not like being a waiter or cashier--you can’t just go in and say you quit. But I did cut ties, for Ryan. And for me. Then he left and...it was hard. So much harder than I thought it’d be. I promised him I had somewhere to go, that I had enough money. But I was young and stupid and scared. I ended up homeless and terrified the Reds were going to retaliate somehow. So I used one of my old contacts to create fake papers saying I was eighteen and that my name was Cal Shepard. The orphanage had to assign me a last name legally but nobody ever called me it and I hated it. Changing my name to Shepard felt--it just felt right. And then I was off to the Alliance base to enlist.”
“So you never meant to stay long term?”
He shakes his head. “No. I thought it’d be easy, I’d just skip out and head to the Citadel as soon as I could. I’m not...I’m not like you, Kay. I’m not here because I’m proud or because I want to serve, I’m just...always waiting for the right moment to leave. But that moment never comes again. I was miserable when I joined and I was happy when I left. I needed a lot of help after Torfan but once I got what I needed, my life was pretty good. I got a job dancing at a gay club, Ryan and I had an apartment in the Presidium together, I was happy.”
“Why’d you go back?”
“After he died, things were bad. I was really bad off. The Alliance invited me to N School after Torfan but I declined. But after my 26th birthday, I was still so depressed, I decided to go. It’s no secret how intense the training is, I just kinda hoped that it would kill me. But I failed out pretty fast and I was scared that if I went back to the club, I’d just...spiral out of control. Get addicted to drugs, harm myself again. So I reenlisted. And here I am. Almost three years later. Ryan would be so fucking surprised.”
“What happened to him?”
“He was killed in combat. Last November was three years. His team was sent out to colonize another planet but they got flanked by hostile wildlife and batarian pirates.” Cal’s chest burns and his eyes water. “They never even found his body,” he painfully admits. “I miss him so much, every day. I love him. We weren’t related by blood but he was my family, he was my fucking partner in life.”
Kaidan rests a gentle hand on his leg. “That last picture was recent.”
“It was a wedding we went to about four years ago. That was his favorite picture of us. He was with me through absolutely everything but the thing Finch got wrong was us being boyfriends. It was never like that. But he was the first person I ever truly loved. And the first person who loved me too.”
“It sounds like he really loved you a lot. He would’ve done anything for you.”
He nods and takes a deep breath. “There, my life. Now you know.”
“Yeah, I do. And I want you to know that...that stuff doesn’t matter. Uh, I mean, it does, of course it does, it’s your life. What I mean is that I don’t want you to feel embarrassed or like I’m judging you. Or any of that. You and I have very different pasts but that doesn’t change anything between us.”
Cal is honestly relieved to hear that. “Thanks. For saying that, for staying calm through all this. I’m sorry for acting like such a cunt earlier. I was mad at Finch and the whole situation, I shouldn’t have pushed you away.” His eyes close when a hand brushes through the hair on the back of his head.
“It’s-”
“Don’t say it’s okay.”
“Then I forgive you for it. You don’t have to push me away, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
“I’ll always be there for you too.” His eyes open and he looks at Kaidan. “I...was a bad person back then. I did a lot of bad things.”
“It’s part of your past but it’s not a reflection of who you are now. People change and grow all the time. Cal, you are...when I look at you I see such a beautiful person and I know that’s what Ryan saw too. Obviously this whole conversation shows we still have a lot to learn about each other but I want to learn everything and I can see why I fell so quickly for you. I love you, all of you. The good, the bad, and the parts that aren’t so black and white.”
Cal’s heart swells at his words. He’s still uncomfortable, not used to opening up like this to anyone other than Ryan, but he feels the truth in what Kaidan says. “I love you too,” he eventually manages. “I feel the same. I told you when we first started dating that this was new territory for me but it’s still a journey I want to take with you.”
“Just remember that you don’t have to hide from me. Remember that.”
He nods. It’s true, he doesn’t have to hide. Kaidan’s reaction to all this information proves that. “Thank you.” Words don’t always mean much to him, a person’s actions are always more telling. But he believes Kaidan and that’s...a nice feeling. He watches Kaidan grab the picture frame and put it on the first photo.Two sets of eyes stare at Ryan singing.
“The wedding’s his favorite but this is my favorite picture of him,” Cal says softly. “We had just moved into our apartment here. He was playing a song he wrote for me.”
“He wrote songs?”
“Oh yeah, all the time. He and his other two friends were in a band. Music was a huge part of his life, our life. I...can hear him singing just as clearly as that day.”
His hand brushes across Ryan’s face. Even though their time was cut tragically short, he knows himself lucky for having Ryan in his life. He looks at Kaidan. And now he’s fortunate enough to have another person to trust and love dearly. Kaidan isn’t a replacement--there can be no replacement for Ryan and there doesn’t need to be. Many people in Shepard’s life have called him heartless but Cal has more than enough love to give both of them. Now all he can do is hope they won’t be split apart like he and Ryan were--by the Alliance, by an accident, by Saren.
Nothing is guaranteed, they could all die tomorrow. That’s just the reality of their situation and it was something he learned as a child, when crime and violence were just normal parts of life. But he also knows how to find comfort where he can and right now it’s in the strong arms wrapped around him, in the lips pressing softly into his hair, and how it all belongs to a man who accepts him fully. Kaidan knows now more than ever that he isn’t perfect, and he doesn’t expect him to be. They don’t need each other to be perfect, they just want each other to be themselves.
It’ll be okay, everything has to end up okay. As fucked up as Shepard thinks himself to be, that determined confident commander is a part of him too. If anyone in the galaxy can stop the geth, it’s him and the people around him. His hand tangles in Ryan’s dog tags. But he doesn’t have to do it all alone. He has a crew that believes in him and Kaidan stands right beside him, ready to go wherever this battle takes them.
He wishes so badly that Ryan was here with him. He wants to introduce Kaidan and Ryan, he knows how much they’d love each other and how well they’d get along. That can never happen and it fills him with a deep sadness, but Kaidan being with him right now soothes him in so many other ways. And that part does make him happy.