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It's 3:08 AM in Los Angeles. This city doesn’t sleep and, as of late, neither does Ryan Magee.
There wasn’t a particular reason for it but he constantly found himself drained throughout the day only to get to bed with far too much energy for anyone at those hours. And with nothing else to do that late besides think, Ryan found himself doing that way too much for his own good.
Today was no different.
Ryan lies on his back and looks up at the dark ceiling above him and wonders what would happen if something crashed through it.
Did time pass him by? Sometimes he'll listen to a song that he hasn't heard in years and think of how he felt the last time that he listened to it and then he'll suddenly feel old and out of control despite still being very much in his prime.
He just feels like he's been moving through life so quickly that everything blurs together and he can barely remember anything as each day passes unless something big happens, which is rare, and he never let himself catch up to where he is now and he's stuck in this loop where everything is fine and comfortable and complacent and he has nothing wrong with him but clearly there is something wrong, right? He thinks that normal people know when something is wrong but he just gets so bored of the pain and loneliness that it becomes monotonous and nothing feels like anything, and he's scared that he'll get to a point where he doesn't know what feelings are anymore.
Overthinking these kinds of things came naturally to Ryan. And soon it just came to be too much. And he broke.
Ryan feels tears coming on and takes in a sharp breath, as if to calm the storm before it rushes over him uncontrollably. He lets out a shaky breath and sniffs, not wanting to succumb to the need to let go, but he needs to. He can’t stay pent up for any longer.
Why don’t people listen? Why doesn’t anyone ask him if needs to take a break from it all and just leave? Does nobody care that there is clearly something wrong or has he just gotten too good at hiding it that he doesn’t even notice until it’s caught up with him?
Ryan rolls onto his left side and clutches one of his pillows, curling into himself and letting it out. He almost feels embarrassed for his soft sobs and thinks about trying to get a hold of himself but that makes him even more sad; the fact that he thinks that he shouldn’t be able to let it out once in a while is unhealthy and he knows it but he just gets to a point where he doesn’t ever get the chance to unwind so it feels more natural to just move on rather than take care of himself.
Ryan is tired of feeling lonely. He calls Matt, praying that he will answer and somehow tell him everything that he needs to hear.
“Hey man, this better be good because 3 AM is way too late for-”
He starts to panic as he realizes that he shouldn’t be throwing his problems onto his friend, “Fuck, I’m so, so sorry if I woke you up, it’s not that important anyways, don't worry about it, I’ll talk to you in the morning-” But Matt could hear the quiver in Ryan’s voice from a mile away, there was no way that he could just hang up when clearly something was wrong.
“No, dude, talk to me, what’s up?” Fully awake now, Matt directs all of his energy towards Ryan on the other end, and doing what he can to help his best friend.
"I don't know, I know that people don't hate me and that I have friends but I just feel like nobody tries to even talk to me unless they need something. It’s draining having to work everyday and act like you’re fine when all you want is something more than the surface level “are you okay?”, you know what I mean? I just want it all to go away sometimes.”
”No, please don’t say that dude, you’re gonna make me cry.”
”Look, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything, I'm sorry for wasting your time.”
”No, wait! Ryan, you know that I love you, right?”
"I mean, of course dude, I love you too, but I just get irrational sometimes and-"
Matt interrupts him before he can finish, "No, listen. I really do love you, I would do anything for you and I’m so sorry if you didn’t know that sooner. Don’t ever feel like talking to me about this is a burden, I will always listen to you, no matter what.”
Ryan feels himself start to cry again, but they're not the same tears as before. He feels appreciated. And cared for. And that's all that he could really ask for.
"Thank you. It means a lot to hear that."
Ryan can practically hear the smile in Matt's voice, "Of course you beautiful bitch, don't ever forget it!
“Now, since I have you on the line, how in debt are you in Animal Crossing because honestly it’s gotten out of hand, dude, and...” Matt starts to get quieter as he continues speaking, as if he’s walking further and further away from the phone.
”Matt, I can’t hear you, I think there’s something wrong with your connection or something.” But Matt continues to soften and his voice is replaced with a beeping sound that progressively gets louder and louder until it’s all that Ryan can hear and suddenly it clicks in his head and-
Ryan’s eyes jolt open and he sits up in bed, clutching his chest and breathing heavily. He blinks quickly as sun beams stream through his window, his eyes puffy from crying.
He opens the phone app and expects to find a recent call from Matt, but of course there’s nothing there besides the call that he made to him after he had left the office to tell Matt to grab his hoodie for him. So he next ventures to the messaging app and types out a short text:
ratt watson
hey i cant record today
sorry
whats up man?
i doubt that you'd just cancel with no good reason so what's the deal?
can i call you?
of course
---
Ryan pulls up Matt's contact and taps the phone icon. He answers quickly and speaks, "Hey, what’s the matter dude?"
Ryan sighs and rubs the back of his neck, "last night, I was in a really bad head space and this is gonna sound so stupid but I just had a really bad nightmare and I feel really off so-"
"Wait, in this dream, did you try to call me?"
Ryan furrows his eyebrows, "yeah, what does that have to do with anything?"
Matt chuckles a bit on the other end, "well I had a dream where I was trying to call you because I somehow just felt that you needed me or something. But I could never get a hold of you, I just kept getting your voicemail and I got really upset about it, woke up in a sweat and everything. What happened last night?"
"I just... got into my own head and started overthinking things.”
"D'you want me to come over or something? A nice little hang sesh always cheers you up!"
"Sure," Ryan answers, suddenly feeling relief wash over him after that. “I’ll see you later man.”
“See ya,” and with that, Matt hangs up, leaving Ryan to his thoughts for twenty minutes until there are a few light knocks at his door.
Ryan opens his front door to Matt standing there with his hands in his pockets, a soft smile on his face, and the bright light of the sun giving him a glowing aura as if he was some kind of angel, and to Ryan, he really was. He grabs his shoulder and pulls him inside for a tight hug, squeezing his arm, to make sure that Matt really is here, and he isn't still stuck in his bad dream. But Matt just laughs and holds him tighter, whispering a soft "it's okay" and Ryan knew that it would be okay as long as Matt was there with him.