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The first time she fought is when Garnet tried to strike up a conversation.
"How did you join the rebellion?"
An innocent question, and carried no harm. To take their mind off their missing friends. Anything. Anything but what was going on. They don't know, everyone is missing. A desperate attempt to take their mind off the mess. She's scared. They're both scared. She tries.
"What was your owner like?"
It's too close.
She's pushed.
Back.
No.
Never speak of this.
Peale didn't blame Garnet. She was trying, not perfect, but trying. Immediately her hand flies up and grips her mouth. It's like she can't breath. She can't speak. She can't do anything. It's as though she's drowning. She can't do anything. She's fighting, but losing. She was being suffocated. Not just physically, but mentally as well.
Garnet takes it as trauma and avoids that question. She doesn't question the action. After all, preal was one of the oldest Crystal gem. She had to have been through some bullshit.
Pearl thinks nothing about it. It is trauma, but not the way Garnet think it is.
The second time it happens. Amethyst had asked her about homeworld, and specified right before the war. Amethyst means nothing, Amethyst is just curious. And she fights. And she's pushed.
Never speak of this.
Too close.
Too close.
Coming too close.
Her hand flies up. It's like she's drowning again. Not physically, mentally. How is that even possible? She can't breath. Everything spins. She's fighting. She's not winning. Her gem is. That thing instilled is. She's caught there. She can't speak. She can't.
Garnet catches the conversation and leads Amethyst away, explaining that it's trauma and to avoid it.
It's once again taken as trauma.
She doesn't blame them. It's not their fault.
Rose didn't do anything wrong either. Something in the back whispered.
When Rose ceased to exist, she went haywire. She needs someone to guide her. Her gem recognised that she needs someone, even if she doesn't. Funny how an order from thousands of years causes so much problem. Thousands. It lingers. She's scared, she can't breath, what's going to happen. What is it going to do to her? She fights on strong. She tries. She fights.
She can't be gone.
She's alone.
No one to guide her.
No one.
And although she knows rightfully she has to step up, she doesn't. Her gem isn't allowing her. It's interfering. With her mental health. Interfering with her existing problems. But she fights. She was fighting. She struggled.
She's supposed to be the leader if Rose was gone.
It's meant to be like that.
Are you that useless?
Dumping stuff on Garnet?
How are you labeled renegade?
Stop. Just stop.
She questions nothing. Garnet is left to step up to be a leader.
As Steven grows, he asks innocent questions. Questions that go against what she's allowed to say. And he doesn't know. As he grows, it is apparent how much Rose still had space to grow. How selfish she was, even though she meant well. Peal doesn't hold it against Rose, but that didn't mean she didn't have lingering trauma.
Don't speak.
She fights.
She tries to speak.
She loses.
She tries again.
And loses again.
When the truth is finally revealed, Pearl fights. There's a loophole now. But not for much longer. She needs to get out. She needs to. Its there. She fight for it, she reaches for it.
Don't fight.
Fight.
Don't speak.
Speak.
Stop.
Please.
It hurts, reliving such horrible memories. But she wins. It's over. That fight between herself. It's finally over, she's free. She can speak, she doesn't feel like she's drowning. She can breath. She's not drowning. She's free, she can breath. She can breath. She can move.
But the lingering past is there. It's not leaving, it won't.
But maybe, someday, she can get better.
Maybe she can finally stop fighting.
Maybe someday, she can finally leave all these behind.