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The door to the escape pod whirrs and slides open, and Ryder steps inside. Peebee’s working at her desk, her back to Ryder as Poc floats beside her. Past Peebee, Ryder can see the sleek, gleaming shape of the Nexus shrinking into a glimmer amongst the stars as the Tempest soars away.
“Hey, Peebee,” Ryder says, leaning up against a bulkhead. “Just wanted to let you know that we’re heading to Havarl now, so we can stop by and get those Remnant scans you asked for.”
“Sure,” Peebee replies shortly, without turning around. “Thanks.”
Ryder hesitates. Peebee’s voice is startling cold, a far cry from her usual greeting. “Hey, uh . . . are you okay?”
“What? Yeah, sure! Hey, Ryder, can I ask you a question?”
“Uh, yeah?”
Peebee finally turns to face her, and Ryder feels her heart drop to her belly. Peebee’s face paint is smudged, and her eyes are swollen and purple with inflammation. She’s been crying.
“Vetra, huh?” she says, voice tight despite her casual tone. “So. Not me, I guess?”
“Shit, Peebee, I’m sorry,” Ryder murmurs. “How . . . how did you find out?”
Peebee lets out a short, hollow laugh. “I think everyone in Operations heard Vetra’s kid sister squeal about it. HNS is going to be printing tabloids soon. Also, you know, I’m not blind. I saw the way you hang around her all the fucking time. I just thought no , Ryder would tell me if something like that was happening. Guess not, though, huh?”
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t mean for this to happen. It just . . . happened.”
“No, no, I get it,” Peebee says. “Shit happens. You stub your toe, or you knock over someone’s favorite glass, or you fall in bed with another girl. Life, right?”
“Peebee . . .”
“Just -- when you said you wanted something real with me, did you ever really mean it?”
“I did!” Ryder exclaims. “But you didn’t want it, remember?”
“I said I wanted time! ” Peebee cries, her voice cracking. “And did you even wait at all?”
“I did! But how long did you want me to wait? God, we’ve made like three more planets habitable, tracked down the asari, turian, and salarian arcs, gone after the Archon, and you’re still living in the escape pod and reminding me you could leave any damn day!”
“Hah! You left first, Ryder! How was I supposed to figure out how I feel and what we are when you’re never even around?”
Frustrated, Ryder draws a hand over her face. “Did you forget I’m trying to save the entire freaking galaxy here? I’m not running around handling these missions for fun, you know.”
“Yeah, and? Who decides the landing parties, huh? You could have brought me with you, but no, you brought Vetra, and left me behind every damn time!”
“Vetra doesn’t get slam drunk while we’re on diplomacy missions!”
Peebee flinches back, and Ryder feels some of her anger drain away. Peebee won’t look directly at her, but Ryder traces the lines around her eyes with her own gaze and remembers an echo of how her heart used to leap at every little twitch of Peebee’s lips.
“Look,” Ryder says softly. “I’m sorry. I really am. When I said I wanted something real with you, I meant it. You were brilliant, and fun, and, man, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. When everything felt like just way too much, you made me feel like I could forget about being the Pathfinder, like I could just be normal again. Especially . . . especially after my Dad died. You were the best escape I could have hoped for. But I changed, Peebee. I don’t have the luxury of forgetting my responsibilities. All that incredible, shiny excitement? That’s not what I need anymore.”
“Nah. Vetra’s what you need now, huh?” Peebee replies. Her voice is still tight, but at least she’s not shouting anymore.
“It’s not so simple,” Ryder tries pleadingly. “If I had a choice, nothing would have changed. But I didn’t have a choice. I’m the Pathfinder, and I had to stop running away from the realities of that eventually. When I did, Vetra was there. Responsibility doesn’t phase her, you know? She’s been living with so much pressure her whole life, and she makes it feel like it’s possible to survive all of it without running away. I felt like I could talk to her about how the lives of every goddamn person in Andromeda depends on us, and she’s not gonna freak out. She’ll just say: ‘Alright, so what’s our next step?’ And then at the end of the day, she’s there. So, yeah, maybe Vetra is what I need now, but it’s not like I just saw another pretty girl and went ‘hm, I change my mind’.”
“I could have changed,” Peebee says quietly. “I could have given you what you needed. You never gave me the chance.”
“Maybe,” Ryder mutters. “But you had to change so much.”
“Oh, please. I got drunk one time on Aya while you were trying to make friends, sorry. Drack likes getting hammered too, and you still bring him along.”
“It’s not just the drinking, Peebee! Look at how you talk to the rest of the crew! You told Vetra she ‘just couldn’t wait to be a mom’? What the fuck, Peebee? Who says that!”
“Oh, of course it’s about what I said to your precious Vetra!”
“It’s not just Vetra, dammit! You try to push everyone away, but we need to have a team, Peebee! I need to know my squadmates have my back, and I don’t know that when they’re sniping at each other because you can’t seem to stop offending everyone !”
“That’s not true! Look, Jaal thinks I’m cool! And if you’re so worried about our diplomatic relations with the angara, shouldn’t that be, like, the most important person for me to get along with?”
Ryder sighs and rubs at the bridge of her nose. “Great. Jaal thinks you’re cool. That’s great, really. It doesn’t change the rest of it.”
“Yeah,” Peebee mutters. “Yeah, you’re right. It doesn’t.” There’s a long pause, and Peebee wipes at one of her eyes, smudging her face paint further. She sighs, a long, shuddering breath. “Sara, can you just tell me -- are you happy? With her?”
“Yeah,” Ryder says softly.
“Great. Then, I’m happy for you, I guess. I really hope she keeps giving you everything you need.”
“Peebee--,” Ryder starts, although she’s not sure what she wants to say.
“Could I just . . . have some space for a bit? Don’t worry,” she adds, with a weak, empty laugh. “I’m not gonna jettison the escape pod. Believe me, it’s tempting, but saving the galaxy’s more important than how I feel about you right now, right?”
“I’m sorry,” Ryder says again.
“Yeah,” Peebee replies. “Me too.”
There’s a long, heavy silence. Peebee sniffles, and Ryder feels her heart break all over again. But she doesn’t know what else to say.
“I guess . . . I’ll go now,” Ryder murmurs.
“Yeah. I’ll see you when we get to Havarl, okay? Thanks, by the way. For going after the Remnant tech.”
“Sure,” Ryder says. “Whatever you need.”
Peebee gives her a small, sad smile. “A little late for that, huh?”
Ryder doesn’t know how to reply, and so she just offers Peebee a sad smile in return and steps out of the escape pod.