Chapter Text
something just doesn’t feel right as lin fan leaves the suffocating practice room for a few minutes to gather her thoughts.
lin fan chose the cute concept, bravely challenging an qi, much to everyone’s delight. at the moment, the cheering from other people applauding her courageous choice felt like it was enough, but after spending hours of trying to dance the most basic of moves—she wanted to give up.
it’s strange, right?
sometimes we think we’re ready for a challenge, and know that our capabilities can handle it but then something just happens and ruins everything. whatever it was, lin fan was feeling it right now. maybe it was the pressure of practicing for three days now, and the realization that she’d be performing tomorrow.
well, it was 11pm, so she’d be performing in the morning. but with her progress now, she’d only get a few winks of sleep.
the cameras are everywhere as she walks down the hallway, spotting lingzi who immediately notices her troubled friend, offering a hug.
but lin fan does it again; she doesn’t know what else to do. she just laughs and puts on a mask by making her struggles become self-deprecating jokes for others to hopefully understand the deeper meaning of, only to be disappointed by their apathy.
she couldn’t really blame anyone though. being extremely empathetic and understanding on the other hand, had incredibly drained lin fan.
she lived to be optimistic and hyping others up, yes. but a small part of her wished someone would do the same for her, because despite all her struggles, she never made it a point to disregard someone else’s.
even if that person wasn’t her friend.
after a few more hours of reviewing the choreography and memorizing her lines once more, she finally got the permission to retire to bed from their teammates.
she was exhausted and dripping with sweat, muscles surprisingly aching since the choreography looked so simple at first.
they surprisingly did well and celebrated, but deep down inside, lin fan felt something strange. did she not practice enough? cold droplets of sweat started to cascade down her neck as she retreated to her dorm room, where keran was probably already asleep. naiwan already told both of them that she would probably he extremely late, or sleep in another dorm tonight.
frustration releases itself in the form of tears, and thankfully, lin fan doesn’t run into anyone on the way back.
she scrunches her nose in anticipation, hoping that she doesn’t wake her roommate up, who seriously treasures every second of her sleep.
lin fan’s respect for that was unwavering.
“keke? you’re still up?” lin fan cautiously creeps into their dorm, feeling alarmed when keran rolls under the thick sheets. her leader’s face is settled into a soft pout. what was she dreaming of?
she hoped with every bit of her gut that keran wouldn’t get up and take a glance at her, so she hurried to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
unfortunately, the tears don’t stop at that as a montage of the entire night is on loop in her head.
they had to perform tomorrow, and she still felt like something was wrong with her rap. on top of that, she had to spend hours extensively helping luna with her own rap which managed to be surprisingly decent. lin fan said she wouldn’t sleep unless she could help luna nail it, hopefully she could do even better tomorrow.
her confidence was usually fine, but being with these girls in a literal competition just gave her all the fuel to be insecure.
lin fan was thankful for the support from her teammates—she really was.
staring into the mirror after taking a quick shower, trying to make sure all signs of crying on her face were gone, she contemplated for a bit.
she smiled a few times, looking at her reflection. she had to practice all the cute poses for tomorrow; as if the youth producers would notice her efforts because she was certain the camera director certainly wouldn’t focus on her. she isn’t the splitting image of the cutesy girly girl, but that’s exactly why she chose the song. she wanted to prove everyone otherwise.
she’d do her best anyway, so was it still her fault if they failed to see it? maybe somehow, it could be, but the few minutes or even seconds of her goofing around on camera didn’t compare to the hours—no, the years of her hard work to get where she is now.
did her problems seem that frivolous to others? she didn’t want to seem selfish, but after putting other before herself so selflessly and endlessly, she wished at least one person would try to make her feel like she was valid without her having to look pitiful to them.
she giggles after feeling dumb because she’s probably the only girl practicing how to smile at 2 in the morning, but a split second later, she crumbles again.
lin fan hates this. she smiles and laughs a fucking lot, even off-cam, but lately…
she’s been doing that without truly feeling happy. her reflections of awkward chuckles when asked uncomfortable questions and the like in similar situations make perfect sense now.
the chuckles are emotionless and empty. they’re simply a void of what used to be genuinely habitual for lin fan.
when was the last time she truly felt happy? she had to think, grip tight on the sink as she closed her eyes and hoped she could remember at least one thing that made her smile:
she feels her heart warm giddily for a bit as she recalls lingzi’s brief words of encouragement for her as they laughed about the difficulties of wiggling her butt. she involuntarily smiles as she remembers linyu’s affection when she continued to cry even while doing the rock and roll pose. lin fan was beyond grateful to the staff member who reassured her too.
but in the end, she couldn’t drown in her insecurities the entire night. ruqiao allowed her to cry, but they all knew she had to get it right, and they had to get it right to last another round in this damned competition.
she dries up, and dresses herself in her favorite pajamas, the fluffy white ones with the tiny avocado on them.
doubt wouldn’t help her. it would only drown her, and that was the last thing she needed now. she stares at herself in the mirror, aiming finger guns to cheer herself up.
“so lin fan, keep wiggling your butt the proper way, your beret is falling.” she beams excitedly, grateful for the sudden surge she’s craved for weeks.
as she steps out, no sound indicates that keran is awake, so she tiptoes to her bed only to be jolted in surprise at keran’s voice.
so keran is awake . well, more like she woke up.
she feels bad for waking keran up from her much needed sleep.
“what time is it?” keran yawns as lin fan worriedly whispers that it’s 2am. she fears that keke will say she’s pushing herself and harming her body, but the words don’t come.
keran sighs sleepily. “go to bed, you must be tired.” the words drip of concern, and the familiar timbre of keran’s voice gives lin fan a sense of home.
lin fan sparks up at the words. the entire night, people kept telling her it’d be fine, or to keep going, and just stop after saying one thing. keran making her fee like she deserved to rest because she worked hard made her feel something she couldn’t quite name. “i’m not tired, i’m fine.” lin fan nearly chokes, hands tightly gripping the towel she used to dry her hair. she’s a horrible liar, she knows, snd it’s awkward as she hears keran’s bed creak.
keran is definitely burning holes into her back, sitting up while watching her from the other side of the room.
something in lin fan wants just pushes her to tell keran about everything she went through these past few says, but she knows that listening to someone ramble about their burdens at 2am isn’t really ideal.
she keeps quiet and just manages to say “night!” to keran, but observant as she is, she knew the absence of the usual “good” before it really meant that lin fan wasn’t fine.
keran’s hand lightly rests on lin fan’s shoulder, laying caressing touches until the curve of her back repeatedly. lin fan breathes in relief at the touch. she needed this. “your face is too transparent—you’re not fine.” who knows her better than keke? it was no use pretending.
nobody knew her better than keran.
keran’s voice is deeper than usual, and somehow, that prompts lin fan to tell the truth instead of hesitating. she feels compelled by the warmer tone.
“yeah, i’m not.” lin fan turns around and admits, staring at the floor.
the look of concern on keran’s face was irrefutable as lin fan peeked up at her, thankful for the distance keran granted as her tears began streaming down once again.
how keran managed to look attractive despite just waking up and biting down on her lip was beyond lin fan.
keran suddenly pulls her into a hug. “it’s been tough, i know. but it’s just gonna keep getting tougher.” the words are the most comfort lin fan has ever gotten while she’s been here. it was even better than getting everyone’s extra coriander when they had hotpot, or when she ranked first in her group for their first performance.
this was exactly what she needed, someone who understood that it was unbearably difficult, and empathized rather then saying “you’ll be fine” once and leaving like it magically cured her trepidation.
lin fan rests her chin easily on keran’s shoulder, she’s privileged enough to do that since keran is the slightest bit taller than her. “you’re strong, we both know that, right? i know you.” keran pats her back as she nods in agreement. that’s right, lin fan is strong. she’s proven herself once, and she isn’t a quitter.
she won’t back down once, she won’t back down now, she won’t back down ever.
keran knows her, and she knows herself. she isn’t a quitter.
“you got me to rant to all the time, okay?” keran runs her long and pretty fingers through lin fan’s hair. “thank you, keke. i needed that. sorry i cried.” she hiccups as keran’s eyebrows furrow.
keran makes sure that lin fan doesn’t feel like a burden. “don’t apologize for anything. you do know that i’m here for you, and that crying is nothing to be ashamed of, right?”
“where’d you learn all of that? you speak pretty well.” lin fan teases once she feels like she can return to her usual antics, earning a believe it or not loving slap on the butt from keran.
lin fan pretends to reel from it, but both girls just end up laughing on their respective beds. “just learned it somehow in the years of my existence, kid. sleep well. we only have a few hours left.” keran reminds, and lin fan scrambles to tuck herself into her blanket.
before she slept though, she realized that she had a much better line in mind for her rap now.
keke would have to just wait and see how lin fan would say them on stage in a few hours.
the mama stage is concluded first, and keran dances her heart out, earning swoons and praise from her fellow trainees and viewers alike.
she ends up ranking fourth in her team, but doesn’t take it to heart. upon doing the math, she realizes it isn’t too bad considering the other team’s scores. what matters is what she’s going to do in the next performance, to do even better.
what makes her feel even better is the fact that her team won, which was a treat to all of them since the song demanded so much energy from them.
lin fan nervously plays with her hands as she realized that keran got fourth place, but is happy when she realized that she didn’t seem bothered at all, especially since their team won.
her performance came up next and little did she know, while she got ready to walk up on stage, a certain lu keran repeatedly chanted “lin fan! lin fan! lin fan!”
<i know you, i know you, i know you>
keran smiles to herself as she closely pays attention to lin fan on stage. of course she did well. she always did well—shining brighter than anyone else on that stage during the performance.
the stage finally ended.
scores and places would be revealed in any second now. lin fan holds on to the positive feeling she sensed earlier. the feedback she received good, and she didn’t mess up at all. not a single time.
the screen proves her confidence wrong as the numbers are shown. she immediately gets looks and touches from her teammates telling her she did well.
she did well, but did her performance really warrant the last place? her thoughts are mind boggling as she just chooses to smile and make it seem like she’s fine. she noticed that she had more votes than a few people in the other team, but that didn’t really console her.
in her own team, she got ranked last even though she did her best. was she not enough? did the youth producers not notice her efforts?
she pushes the bitter thoughts aside for hope as their group is in the lead so far. being last place won’t matter if they win, but everyone knows that an qi is tough competition.
she holds on to hope, and gets nothing in return. lin fan wants to bury herself under all the blankets in their dorm room from embarrassment, but can only provide words of reassurance to her team as they conclude that they had fun and did well.
if only everyone had recognized that.
why couldn’t they? what was so difficult about it? they all had done so much to prepare for this, but their hopes got shot down rapidly.
agony. the night ends and her mood is completely off by the time she returns to the dorm room, barely exchanging glances with keran as naiwan is out yet again.
she doesn’t bother making a show and pretending everything is fine as her sobs are heard from under the sheets, even though she hoped they were at least muffled.
seconds later, a warm hand is on her leg, fingers tapping an unknown rhythm.
“lin fan... listen to me, please?” keran softly runs her hand along lin fan’s after looking for it through the sheets.
lin fan allows keran to hold her hand.
she struggles to breathe but manages to say okay.
keran squeezes her hand gingerly. “you’re not a joke or a source or someone’s entertainment for their fantasies.” lin fan is so touched. why did keran always know what to say?
she just wants to yell in frustration, but that would wake everyone up. “maybe i am,” she hiccups and finally looks at keran, who’s worried about her again like she was last night.
“i got the least number of votes in my team, and we lost.” she continuously shook her head in disbelief and shame, lip quivering at the memory of her failure.
of course lin fan felt bad, keke knew she was trying to be strong with that tiny grin. lin fan was glad she could lay everything off her chest. she couldn’t say things like this to anyone other than keke.
keran seemed more bothered with the result of lin fan’s team rather than her own place being relatively low too. “the youth pds lost with their bad judgment. both of us know you did well, and we know you deserved more votes.”
all the while, lin fan had blamed herself, thinking she hadn’t done enough. she was too absorbed in trying to pinpoint all of her flaws, without realizing the true fault in the system.
she did well. people believed in her. her friends believed in her. and she believed in herself.
“we talked about this before right? we’d feel bad if we got a few votes—“ the taller offers, and stares at lin fan’s sparkly eyes.
lin fan squeezes keran’s hand with both of hers, sitting up in one swift move. “and give our all, but we’d feel worse if we got a lot of votes and didn’t do our best.” her eyes widen in excitement as she repeats keran’s words which really struck her. it was keran’s pep talk to her and yiwen right before they performed crazy for you.
a weight is lifted off of lin fan’s shoulders as keran’s comfort kicks it away like it’s no heavier than a feather.
“see, champ? you remembered.” lin fan nods and keran wipes her tears with the pad of her thumb.
she sighs yet again as keran tells her of the trainees reactions to the results. “pretty much everyone backstage was shocked after we found out, lin fan.” keran frowns and motions for lin fan to come in for a hug.
they’re both on lin fan’s bed now, and they’ve been like this for a while.
lin fan couldn’t ask for anything more—having someone understand you and motivate you to do better. that made her heart beat erratically.
keran suddenly kisses the crown of her head after stroking through her hair for a while. lin fan is quiet but remains quiet. she liked, and wouldn’t mind if keran did that again. the act isn’t romantic at all, but it makes her feel warm and loved which is exactly what she’s longed for lately.
lin fan relishes the contact, feeling more appreciated than ever as she sniffles into keran’s shoulder, who tells her she doesn’t give a damn about how her collar is dampening.
lin fan is touched, and begins sobbing once more. “seriously. you’re fantastic.” keran brightly smiles out of nowhere, and lin fan feels dazzled. but her immediate reaction is shoving
lin fan is thankful the only the lamp far away is on, because keran can’t clearly see the blush furiously spreading on her face in the dark. also, it’s great that naiwan isn’t here. that would’ve been awkward... for lin fan at least.
she rolls her eyes at the reference to her rap.
please, for someone waking up just to comfort you? that was fantastic.
“ you’re the best, keke.” lin fan doesn’t know why her heart feels like it’s about to burst. what’s more important than that is figuring out a way to properly breathe again, as keran engulfs lin fan in her arms.
“seriously though, it’s all you. but maybe i am the best leader!” keran says as the two hug it out for what seems like an eternity.
leader , huh?
lin fan agrees with a sweet smile as the two drift off to sleep in their separate beds.