Chapter Text
Sam Winchester pulled up to his brother’s house at six in the morning. He knew he was early, but he figured Dean would be a pain to try to get out of bed, especial with all the drinks he He used his own key instead of knocking and went straight to Dean’s room.
“Alright,” He said, walking in. “Up and‒Dean?” His brother’s bed was empty. Sam frowned, then shrugged. The Impala wasn’t outside, now that he thought about it. Dean probably spent the night at Cas’s after his bachelor party for one last night of fun while Cas was still a Shurley.
Sam left Dean’s and drove across town to Cas’s house, knowing that if they tried to get dresses together they would skip the wedding and start with the honeymoon. Sam became worried when Dean’s car wasn’t there, either.
Sam knocked on the door, anyway, and Cas opened up a second later.
“Hello, Sam,” He said, smiling.
“Hey, Cas.”
“What can I do for you? Did Dean leave something here?” Oh, shit.
“Um, no. I haven’t been over there yet. I…just wanted to check on you.” Sam cringed at how stupid it sounded, but Cas bought it.
“I’m marrying the love of my life today, Sam. I couldn’t be better,” Castiel said, smile lighting his face. Sam tried to smile back and walked to his car.
Maybe he just went to the store, Sam tried to assure himself. He’s probably stressed and went to get some smokes. That’s all.
It wasn’t.
The Impala wasn’t back. The house was still empty. Sam pulled out his phone and dialed Dean’s number.
You’ve reached Dean. You know what to do.
“Where the hell are you? You do realize that you’re getting married in...five hours? Call me when you get this, okay.” Sam ran a hand through his hair and looked around the kitchen he was standing in. He almost over looked the note lying on the kitchen counter.
“Please be good news,” He murmured, picking it up.
Tell Cas I’m sorry. Sam blinked and re-read it. Then did it again. And again.
“No. No,” He called Dean and got his voicemail. “Dammit, Dean. This had better be a joke. Because if you aren’t at the church at two o’clock....Dean, don’t do this. Just call me.”
Sam checked a few a Dean’s favorite haunts, but no one had seen him. He assured them all it was just pre-wedding nerves and that Dean was fine. He called everyone in their group, Charlie, Benny, Jo, and Garth, but no one had heard from him since the night before.
By twelve o'clock, Sam had no choice but to get ready himself, even if Dean didn’t call him back. At one o’clock he was pacing in a back room of the church that Cas had chosen when John found him.
“What are you doing back here? People are starting to show up‒”
“I can’t find Dean,” Sam said. John’s eyes widened a bit.
“Well, he has to be around somewhere. I’m sure he just stepped out for a cigarette or-” Sam held out the note, effectively cutting him off.
“He’s gone, Dad. He took off.” Sam ran a hand through his hair. John shook his head, disbelievingly.
“Sam, this is probably some big joke that Dean thinks is funny. He loves Cas. He’ll be here.”
“And if he’s not? What am I supposed to tell Cas? ‘Oh, sorry your boyfriend didn’t love you like we all thought he did, but, hey, the church looks great?!’”
“Sam, just calm down. He’ll be here.” But was he worried, too. Sam could see it.
Dean wasn’t there a two o’clock. Cas’s smile didn’t waver. Dean was always late, this was normal. At two thirty, Sam could tell the grin was more fake than real. By three it was gone.
Cas walked outside, away from the impatient murmuring and pitying looks. Sam found him on the steps, head in his hands. Sam sat with him.
“He’s not coming, is he?” Castiel asked, quietly.
“I’m sorry, Cas,” Sam said, touching his shoulder.
“It’s okay,” The smaller man said, stiffly. “I…I have to get out of here. Just tell everyone…” Cas’s voice cracked and Sam nodded.
“Give me a call tomorrow, okay?” Castiel nodded and fled. Sam went inside and told everyone what they already knew.
There would be no wedding that day.
Castiel didn’t call or answer his phone. After two days, Sam and Jess drove to his house, but he didn’t answer the door. Sam used the extra key he’d seen Dean use and unlocked it.
“Cas!” He called, looking around. The place looked like it always did, clean and organized, not a thing out of place.
Cas was laying on his couch in sweatpants and one of Dean’s t-shirts. He was asleep, but Sam could see tear tracks on his face. There was an empty wine bottle on the table next to him. There was no glass.
“Sam,” Jess whispered. “We can’t just leave him like this.”
“I know, but we can’t just be here when he wakes up, either. We’ll come back tonight. Take him out.” Jess nodded. Sam could tell that she wanted to take care of Cas, get him some water and aspirin and a blanket. He gently pulled her towards the door, hoping Cas would be okay until later.
He answered the door the next time they came by. He looked horrible, days worth of stubble and limp, greasy hair. He tried to smile for them, but it looked like a grimace so he gave up and invited them in.
“What are you doing here?” He asked, quietly.
“We wanted to take you to dinner with us,” Jess said, reaching for him. Cas stepped away.
“No, thank you.”
“Come on, Cas. You have to eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” Cas’s voice sounded dull, hollow. He returned to the couch, dropping his head in his hands. “I just want to go back to sleep.”
“Cas, come on,” Jess said, sitting down next to him. “Come out with us, please?”
“I can’t,” He said. “I can’t go out there and face everyone. Not yet.”
“We’ll bring you something back, then. We’ll eat in and watch TV.”
“No, no. You two go out and have fun.” Sam realized, then, that Cas couldn’t go with them. He couldn’t be with two people who loved each other so much without thinking of Dean. Sam started to wonder if his even being there was a strain on Cas.
They had to leave eventually, and Jess hugged Cas tight, telling him it was all okay. When they heard glass shatter behind them after they closed the front door, Sam had to carry her to the car.
Cas didn’t get any better as time went by like Sam had hoped. He lost a lot of weight, got even paler than he was, he didn’t leave his house. Sam would go and sit with him sometimes, but, even though he never said it, Cas wanted to be alone.
Sam didn’t know that Cas got fired because he couldn’t focus on the job. He didn’t know that Cas bought a bottle of Dean’s cologne so that his scent wouldn’t completely fade from the shirts that he’d left behind. He didn’t know that Castiel wasn’t eating or drinking anything except the alcohol he needed to go to sleep and the food he needed to make his stomach not hurt. Not until Cas’s brother found him unconscious on the kitchen floor and had to call an ambulance.
Cas was severely malnourished and dehydrated. The doctor had told Gabe that there was no sign of self harm, much to his relief.
“Your brother needs to eat,” The doctor said. “A little sun wouldn’t do much harm either.”
Cas was put on antidepressants and he lightened a little. Five months after the wedding that wasn’t, he went out to lunch with Sam, clean shaven and showered, and he actually smiled.
Cas really started going out again after that, even going to nightclubs with the group. He was apprehensive at first, but when a guy asked him to dance, he said yes. He enjoyed himself and even let the guy kiss him, but that’s as far as went before Sam found him in the bathroom, crying.
“It’s okay, Cas,” Sam said on their way back to Cas’s house.
“What do you think he’s doing right now?” Cas whispered through the tears. Sam froze. No one talked about Dean when Cas was around. Dean hadn’t tried to contact anyone since he left, Sam didn’t even know where he was.
“I don’t know.”
“I bet he’s with someone else by now. I bet he’s happy. Why couldn’t I make him happy, Sam?” He started crying harder then. Sam spent the night on Cas’s couch, making sure that he was okay and that he took his medication.
After a few more months, he started going home with people. At first they were all tall, blond, and freckled and Sam or Gabe would get teary phone calls to pick Cas up from across town. But they started to differentiate after a while and Cas started staying the night with them.
After a year he started dating.
In the beginning the relationships only lasted for a few weeks and they were really just sex. Then Cas meet Inais.
Inais was tall, funny, and worshiped the ground Cas walked on. Cas seemed happy, until he got bored. Dean had been unpredictable, Inais did whatever Cas told him to. It was nice at first, but Cas eventually had to end it.
Inais didn’t though. He’d show up at Cas’s work. He’d walk into his house if the door was unlocked. He called all the time. He wasn’t threatening, but it made Cas uncomfortable.
The restraining order ended up being the first of many.
The next notable relationship was Richard, who the group ended up calling Dick because, well he was. It too started off great, but after a few months, Cas stopped hanging out with the group. He would call Sam sometimes, then hang up mid conversation. Sam heard that he quit his job and sold his house from Gabriel.
One night, Sam was shocked with a phone call from Cas. “Hello?”
“Sam,” Cas’s voice was quiet.
“Yeah, Cas. It’s me.” Jess looked up.
“Can you meet me tomorrow? For lunch or something?”
“Uh, yeah. Totally. You okay?” Cas was quiet for a moment.
“I need to talk to you. The Roadhouse at one?”
“Yeah, Cas. Sounds great.” They hung up. Sam shrugged at Jess’s questioning eyes and told her what happened.
Cas was late the next day. He showed up at two, sliding into the booth that Sam chose.
“I’m sorry, Sam. I‒”
“Cas. What happened?” Sam interrupted, staring at the dark bruises on Cas’s jaw and eye.
“That’s why I’m here,” He said, folding in on himself. “It’s Richard.”
“That son of a bitch,” Sam said, going to stand. Cas caught his hand.
“Sam, please,” Sam sat. “I need your help.”
“Anything you need, Cas. Do you want to stay with us? We have a spare room.” Cas smiled.
“Thank you, Sam. I’m going to stay with Gabriel for a little while. Until I can find a place of my own. I was hoping that you would be with me when I packed my things.”
Sam agreed and they ate together. Cas fidgeted with his fork for a moment.
“Have you heard from him?” Sam sighed
“No. Cas‒”
“I know. I need to just let it go. But…. Just think if it were Jess, Sam.”
“If I do, I’ll tell you. I promise.” Cas nodded. It broke Sam’s heart to see him so small and miserable again. He wondered why Cas couldn’t find someone to love right. To love him enough to help him forget Dean a little bit.
Dick didn’t show up while Cas packed his bags. Sam had really want to beat the asshole into a pulp, but Cas convinced him to let it go.
Another restraining order and an actual court case later, Dick was gone for good.
Cas stuck to hook ups after that, finding men and women that he never saw again. He started spending time with his friends again. He became the guy that they all knew and loved and missed.
Finally, after two years, Cas was okay. On the anniversary of the day none of them mentioned, they all went to a well known gay bar outside of town, because they always had more fun there than they did anywhere else.
To no one’s surprise, men were brought into Cas’s orbit as soon as he was walked in. He was turning down drinks and dances left and right. Until a dark haired man slid up beside him and didn’t take no for an answer.
Sam watched from the bar as the man pulled Cas onto the floor with him. Cas shot him a look, and Sam and Jess went to dance nearby.
The guy wasn’t trying to be a creep, though. They danced, he bought Cas a drink and then invited them to the VIP section with him, where it was quiet and the liquor was worth the ridiculous price.
Cas and the guy‒Crowley‒talked for a while, moving closer together. At some point Crowley’s mouth ended up on Cas’s neck.
“Come home with me,” Sam heard Crowley murmur against the other man’s neck.
“Ask me again after midnight,” Cas responded. The date still got to him, no matter how much better he was doing.
He did and Cas agreed.
They went out again a few days later. Then again. And again. After a few months, Crowley was practically one of them. Everyone liked him and he treated Cas like he was the most precious thing in the world. He was older, but not so much that he couldn’t relate to them.
He also owned a law firm and told Sam to drop by sometime, there maybe an internship open, if he was interested.
Crowley at work was a complete 180 from the man Sam knew. He was vicious, vindictive, efficient. He treated Sam like an intern, demanding coffee and memos and files back to back. By five, Sam was exhausted.
“Want to get a drink?” Crowley asked, as they walked out. “Castiel is working over at the library, so I have nowhere to be.”
“Uh, sure.” Once at the bar both men lost their suit jackets and loosed up a bit.
“How do you like it?” Crowley asked, sipping his scotch.
“It’s intense,” Sam said. “Different than where I thought I’d be.”
“There are other firms that will take you. With a reference from my office they’ll be falling in your lap in no time.”
“Thanks.” They were silent for a while, then Crowley spoke again.
“Castiel told me about Dean.” Sam choked, sputtering and coughing.
“What?” He croaked.
“About the wedding. The not wedding. We talked about it last night. And about the other people he dated.” Crowley looked Sam in the eyes. “I told Gabriel and I’m telling you. Cas is very important to me, now. I have no intentions to hurt him. I have every intention, however, to be with him for as long as he’ll have me.” Sam nodded.
“That’s great. I’m glad. Really. He’s been alone for too long.”
After a year, Castiel and Crowley moved in together.
The apartment was huge, a master bedroom with a walk in closet and a full private bath, two guest bedrooms, an office, kitchen, living room, and dining room. Sam’s jaw dropped when he and Jess had dinner with them when they were all moved in.
“This place is awesome, Cas.”
“It’s a bit much,” Cas said, but he smiled. “We may as well have bought a house.”
Sam smiled back. Cas had gotten so much better since he started dating Crowley. He was content again. Though he’d never be the same as he was with Dean, he was going to be okay. Maybe better than he would have been.
Cas had made some kind of exotic chicken for dinner and Jess had made a cobbler for dessert. They exchanged stories from the week, Sam told Cas what a hardass Crowley was at work and Crowley told Jess that Sam was just lazy. It was a nice night, but when Sam saw the looks Cas and Crowley were exchanging, he was ready to get out.
When they returned home, Jess was going on about the apartment. Cas had given her a tour after dinner, showing off.
Sam’s phone rang and he answered without looking, still smiling at Jess. “Hello?”
“Hey, Sammy.” The smile fell off of his face and his eyes widened.
“Dean?”