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It wasn’t Lion’s first idea to write something, but he needed an outlet to vent his feeling, the feeling he knew too well. Knowing himself hated to handle it, Lion took a deep breath before he started searching for a pen and papers.
When the tip of the pen touched the blank paper sheet, his hand paused, some dread creeping into his mind as a familiar face rose to his mind.
Tan skin, sharp jawline, pristine-stone-like eyes, the faded smile when that man saw him - Doc hated him to guts, didn’t he?
It might sound strange, but Lion can’t avoid the fact he had fallen hard for the man who hated him the most. How funny, but nothing was amusing to Lion. He could only swallow the resentful feelings down, letting the sticky sweat rise to his skin and then making sure he hid his feelings well.
Hands sweating,
Only I know when the feeling’s creeping.
Lion’s room is quiet. Nothing could be heard but the soft scratching sound as the ink was pressed onto the paper. While his hand slowly guided the pen, Lion failed to guide his own mind.
Besides acting normal, there weren’t much Lion could do in front of Doc. Acting normal meant to displease Doc, which wasn’t something Lion liked but he couldn’t risk it. As long as he could hide his sinning desire, he’s safe, safe from being judged. Thus that was really his only option.
He remembered how many times after he ran into Doc, he couldn’t stop himself from fantasizing some unholy images in his head. The miserable heat would take over, forcing him to surrender to lust. However it’s always the physical touch that drove him mad. Every tiny touch, even if it was just Doc’s finger brushing over his skin unintentionally, Lion’s heart would do a dramatic backflip, pounding hard and loud. Flinching, hands sweating, expression stiffening, muscle tensing, that’s when Lion knew his feeling’s creeping on him.
He knew he screwed up the moment he found out his feelings towards Doc, but it wasn’t like he had a choice. What could he do when his fate made him fall in love with someone who had a cold heart only to him? Despite how painful to think this way - but hell, he didn’t dare to even think Doc would have the same feeling towards him in any circumstances, plus he never thought he deserved anyone anyway.
The corner of Lion’s mouth twisted while that thought snarled inside him. He thought of his son, Alexis, his kid’s mom, Claire, his homeless days, his choices, and it had never been easy to review his past but he did it everyday just so he could remind himself how selfish he was, putting his important ones through hell. Before he wrote something down on the paper, he warned himself once again, don’t ever compromise his feelings but rules, the rules he set for himself to prevent him from hurting anyone again.
Cold heart,
It wasn’t you who fell apart,
No one is holding,
Heaven’s door is closing.
The very last time Lion went to church was about 2 weeks ago. After that, he had a huge fight with Doc, which totally shut him down for a good amount of time. To Lion’s own conscious, he was aware that confronting Doc wasn’t a good idea, but after the talk he had in the confession booth he was feeling lucky.
“We’re all sinned at one point of our life. But if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
“I don’t know if my confession is going to do that.”
“Don’t think it that way. God demonstrates his love for us in this. When we were all sinners, Christ died for us. Everyone deserves to be saved, and that includes you as well.”
“What should I do, father?”
“Pray. Let God guide you. To hear God's indication, you need to let your prayers sink into your soul and heart.”
No doubt towards God, Lion could only blame his hothead that day. He indeed prayed. On his knees, head clinging onto his palms, Lion kissed his cross that hung on his neck after he prayed. He had asked God what he should do with Doc, how to resolve the issue between him and Doc, and more importantly what he should do with his feelings. As though that’s God’s plan, he bumped into Doc right after he left his room.
Unable to recall the details of the confrontation, though, Lion still remembers some of Doc’s words vividly.
“Don’t you dare even mention them. You’re the ultimate fault.”
“Whom are you playing saint to? I thought I made it clear last time that I do not want to have conversations with you. I do not need you to lecture me about forgiveness. You’re the least person that deserves forgiveness.”
“Don’t try my temper. There’s nothing you can do to make it up. Whatever you do-, oh hell, you, Oliver, you mean less than nothing.”
Fingers gripping tight around the pen, Lion bid his bottom lip so hard that bloody droplets started emerging, though he couldn’t even pay less attention to that as his internal pain was taking over. He really meant less than nothing to Doc, didn’t he? It wasn’t like Lion didn’t know, but when those words were said out loud, it truly hurt.
Only if he didn’t let his civilian instincts convince him, none of that would’ve happened. But he just simply couldn’t make life easy on him, right? Always coming up with terrible decisions as ever, Lion’s very only option was to redeem himself by pushing himself to the limit.
Lion growled, full of anger and frustration. He flicked his eyes open, glaring at the paper that only made him want to tear it apart. He wanted to rip everything apart and break everything to peces, just like his heart and souls now only left pieces scrambling around aimlessly.
Running away from you,
To me it’s crue,
But to you-
The pen stopped sharply. Lion’s hand was trembling violently, tempting to continue his sentences. He wasn’t the best at poetry but he knew the next line wouldn’t be the best for rhyming..
It didn’t rhyme, but it's the most important part of this poem. It would coherent everything together. No, not just the poem but Lion’s real-life problem.
It’s the answer to his painful suffering.
The answer was right there, unsheding in his eyes, rolling down on his cheeks, eventually crushing upon the paper. Lion wasn’t in the mood to hold back his tears. The tears had to come out, just like the answer, and he must taste the bitterness and the shame.
Letting the tears blurred his own visions, without even looking, Lion knew what he was writing. The ink spread free when it reached the dampened paper allowing the tears washing down whatever Lion had written down just a second ago.
Wasn’t alarming,
Because I’m less than nothing.
It rhymed perfectly.
Lion closed his eyes, refusing to accept the fact that rhymed perfectly. Even though he had known it from the beginning, he still tried to tell himself no. No, it’s not supposed to rhyme, just like he blindly tried to believe the answer wasn’t right either. As many as lies he could tell himself, it didn’t change the true fact that he meant less than nothing to Doc.
“ Ha.”
Lion laughed. He rubbed his eyes before he looked back at the whatever poem he wrote. He was laughing at the terrible poem he wrote and the clown he had made himself into.
Hands sweating,
Only I know when the feeling’s creeping.
Cold heart,
It wasn’t you who fell apart,
No one’s holding,
Heaven’s door is closing.
Running away from you,
To me it’s cruel,
But to you-
Wasn’t alarming,
Because I’m less than nothing.
For a moment of drolly silence, as if he was waking up from the nightmare, he pushed himself up in a hurry and crumbled that paper between his hands roughly. As much as he hated the answer he was getting from his poem, he couldn’t bear the lie in it as well. Only fools would believe that he would run away from Doc.
Then all of sudden, he dropped back down the chair, body deflating as if he had used all his energy to crumble the paper earlier. After all, he was exhausted from every chapter of the agony that he had to go through when he was writing it, wasn’t he?
Lion let his arms hang loose side by side and his head fall against the back of the chair, staring at the roof blankly. Then, gently holding the cross on his necklace, Lion laid a soft kiss upon it.
He knew this was a punishment from God, a chance to let him atone for his crime.
He would not run away from Doc. He would only let the unrequited love burn him inside out, the raw emotion eat him alive, and about sometime he would be free from the torment. And hopefully then, he wouldn’t be less than nothing.