Archive of Our Own

Heart beats fast, colors and promises

The beginning of the universe started off as nothing.

Not silence, but rather, the absence of sound. Not darkness, but the absence of light. There was nothing, no life, then suddenly, unexplained by science or religion, there were these things– and with them, the creation of everything.

Stars came to life. Galaxies emerged. Oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium, and many others. Those that had never existed before suddenly did. Matter was everything, where nothing had been before.

Some of these matters had formed together, connected by invisible bonds linking it to one another. These bonds were forms that became part of the stars and planets, forms that created most pairs of light and darkness, life and death, black and white, and so on.

But other forces pulled these matters apart, breaking them in two and stretching these bonds away from each other. Yet, despite the forces of space and nature, these pieces of matter, these elements, were so connected that they always found ways to come back to each other again. Sometimes they came together back within the Earth. And sometimes, this matter took on life. No matter where they are, no matter the distance or mile, no matter how far apart they are, they will find each other in every continent, in every country because the bonds of their hearts only pull to their significant other.

This matter was called soulmates. 

How to be brave? How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?

From when he was born, Sarawat always knew that he’d fall for his best friend.

It was impossible not to– everything about him screamed perfect to him. His eyes are always filled with wonder and happiness, something so unusual in this dark cruel world. He’s also gorgeous, and with the way fathers from all around would always come to his family to ask if they’d like their son to wed their daughters, everyone also seemed to think so. And his smile– a blessing that Sarawat gets to have in this century. It fills him up with various emotions of fondness, joy, and absolute adoration.

He’s beautiful, so beautiful that Sarawat couldn’t believe that such a person like him would exist the same time he was.

Tine Teepakorn.

They knew each other ever since they met all those years ago in that elementary school when Tine had bumped into him. They got along pretty well, too well that their friendship was sometimes mistaken for... something else.

They were on the beach now, just relishing in the sight of the sunset in the distance, and Sarawat is glad that Tine is spending his time with him.

Years had passed since they first met, and of course, they both had grown, especially Tine.

He grew into his lanky limbs, filling out with lithe and strong arms. He was still incredibly lean, and he also grew taller for about an inch, which he always gloats over Sarawat whenever there’s a need to boast. His face grew more defined, cheekbones high and smile being more irresistible than ever. He’s still beautiful after all these years and Sarawat is definitely the lucky one for Tine still being friends with him.

They both sit on the sand, a comfortable silence in the air, gentle waves coming up and sprinkling their toes with seawater. Droplets and sand glisten their bodies and hair as they watch the sun slowly setting in the distance and making a beautiful orange hue around them. They were both weary, but nevertheless happy from the day well-spent.

Sarawat glances at Tine, who had a contented smile on his face, colors of red and yellow basking on his skin, humming along a soft tune to fill in the quietness.

So ethereal.

“I told you it was a good idea to go to the beach.” Sarawat smiles, lightly bumping his shoulder with his. “You needed some loosening up.”

Tine chuckles, shaking his head, his full and soft hair moving along to the gesture.

They have been stressed for a couple of days; with relentless schoolworks and countless of projects they had to finish before they graduate. Sarawat is glad to have suggested going to the beach because he gets to see Tine’s lately downcast expression to turn into one of buzzing excitement, and it’s because of him. All day, they were extremely happy; splashing each other in the waters, playing around in the sun, sharing a drink under a stilts calatagan, sunbathing under the blazing sun, and Sarawat just hopelessly watching Tine’s figure as the white waves wash over his bright skin, lost in a trance of his laugh as he throws his head back with a smile so wide it could kill anyone in miles of vicinity.

It was now nearing evening, the sun taking its sweet time to shine once more before the moon had arisen, stars slowly twinkling in the sky and the night taking over. Their shoulders were brushing, their fingers were grazing the surface of their skin, and all Sarawat was itching to do is to fully grasp the other’s palm in his, wondering if it would feel soft compared to his calloused one.

“So,” Sarawat started, taking another glance at Tine, noticing the sudden silence of his humming. He only hoped for a quick glance, like he always does, but it’s quite impossible when he had Tine Teepakorn beside him.

In life, there were times when one is so entranced, so mesmerized by the beauty of something that it gets harder to look away with every second that passes. Sarawat, in all his eighteen years of living, have never been this captivated by a sight that would’ve been normal to anyone else.

Tine’s hair was starting to dry up a bit, regaining their natural poofy curls which Sarawat finds very soft and very addicting to lose his fingers in. He always liked to run his fingers in them whenever they’re both alone, away from probing eyes, away from other people who questioned their friendship repeatedly. Tine’s tired but tender eyes shone along with the gentle waves that were pressing at the tips of their toes, alluring them to come back to the water. His normally pale arms were now a bit tanned from the day they had under the sun.

Staring at his figure under this illuminating light of orange and yellow, Sarawat wished he had brought a camera to capture this moment and keep the picture close to his heart.

But right now, all he could do was bask in the sight; committing every little detail to memory, his eyes discerning the small, minuscule freckles dotted over Tine’s cheeks, perceiving the water droplets sliding down his legs, watching closely as Tine’s lips curl up into one of the most smallest but secretive smile he’s seen him do before, but still manages to capture his heart every time.

Sarawat then looks back at the ocean and closes his eyes, the image of him burning at the back of his eyelids like a memory that was demanding not to be forgotten. And it won’t be.

“So what, Wat?” He suddenly heard Tine laugh, a melody so beautiful that all the music sheet he’s studied before, all those compositions made by famous musicians were absolutely no match for it. Opening his eyes once more, he turns his head to look back at him, being greeted by Tine’s grin and his fingers running through his hair.

Trying not to be distracted by Tine’s fingers, Tine’s hair, the curve on the edge of Tine’s lips, and just Tine, Sarawat looks back again at the ocean, a blanket of warmth spreading across his cheeks and neck. He forgot that he had spoken up in the first place. “Nothing. I was just thinking of how we’d keep in touch while you head away to boarding school.”

The feelings of hurt had came back, and Sarawat also forgets why they’ve been so busy the past few days.

They were both graduating and going their different ways with their careers. Sarawat had thought of taking up music, as he was destined to from when he was still a little kid, and he’ll still pursue that here. But Tine is a different story. His parents were sending him off to countries far from this one, making him study business so he could eventually take over their company. A lot was resting on Tine’s shoulders from the moment he was born, but he still manages to smile through all that pressure and expectations because he’s that positive.

Sarawat knew that when he saw his personality shining from when they were kids, sharing pencils and whispering in hushed tones so as to not get caught by their teacher, that he completely adores him. This... this strange infatuation he has for him was unlike any other feeling than he has felt for other girls before, and it’s all too wrong because no one else was like this. No one else had a relationship with the same gender, or had felt as intense as Sarawat does for Tine, and just the mere thought of a boy liking another boy would immediately send looks of disgust on their elders’ faces.

The moment he realized that, realized his feelings for Tine, he knew that he was born in the wrong time. He found the right person, but unfortunately, he was in the wrong century.

He shared everything to him; every family secret and every interaction he has, all except this. From all the times they’ve played and hung out with each other, his platonic feelings for the other were suddenly... not platonic. It wasn’t enough just being near and with him anymore– he wanted, no, he absolutely needed to touch him, to connect with him in every way possible. Their hugs would last longer because Sarawat would always savor the feeling a little bit more, he’d stand more closer to him, and sometimes, when he’s bold, he’d reach out from under the table and grasp his hand to give him a reassuring squeeze.

And even now, he wants to be even more bolder and close the distance between their lips.

But Sarawat wasn’t dumb; he knew there was a chance that the other man liked him back. Sometimes, when their eyes would connect across the room, there’d be a spark. A surge of electricity. He knows he isn’t alone in feeling the static all across his bones because he’d always see Tine’s eyes glint with the same emotion he knows that’s being reflected in his own eyes. He’d hold that stare for a second longer than normal, then break away. Tine would always leave a tap on his shoulder, a gentle touch on his back, and a soft caress on his hand.

Sarawat was probably imagining and giving too much thought to these interactions, but oh, he hoped. He hoped so bad.

But they both had their reputations to uphold, Tine’s one even bigger than his. He had his family counting on him to take over their business and multiple girls ready to be his bride.

This... this feeling is just wrong and there’s so many reasons why but Sarawat just can’t prevent himself from feeling this way.

“Do...” Tine speaks up, low and almost too quiet. Sarawat looks back at him, seeing the soft look on his face, and his heart melted uninvitingly. “Do you want me to go to boarding school?”

No, he instantly thought, so desperate. He doesn’t want to be away from Tine, away from this man who makes him feel like there’s nothing else he’d rather feel. Tine makes him feel like it’s okay to feel this way, and maybe it is, but in these times, it isn’t. I don’t want you to go. Please don’t go.

Please don’t leave me.

“Of course.” Sarawat replied, lies dripping from his words and from the smile he gave Tine. “You should go. It’s the best for you and your family. Also for the bride you’ll marry in the future.”

He’s imagining. He’s imagining the way Tine’s lips twitch in a frown, his brows furrowing in sadness, and his eyes flashing a tint of disappointment. He’s imagining the way Tine leans closer, his fingers on top of his now, his emotions so vivid in his eyes. “But... what if I don’t want that?”

“Want what, Tine?” Sarawat asks, his breath hitching in his throat from how close Tine was. From how he can see specks of brown and hope shining in his eyes.

“I...” Tine murmurs, his eyes looking deeply into his own, as if he’s searching for something. Searching for the emotions Sarawat is trying so hard to suppress and hide, trying not to let it show on his face how much he wants him. “I want to be with you, though.”

Sarawat swallows, wanting so badly to kiss him, to have a taste of his lips before all their moments and memories become bittersweet when Tine finally leaves.

“What do you want, Wat?” Tine asks him softly, tilting his head.

I want you.

I only want you.

But he can’t have him.

“I just want you to be happy with the one you’ll marry in the future.” Sarawat answers, smiling wide, hurting his cheeks so much from how fake it is.

He sees the disappointment flashing brightly across Tine’s eyes, sadness and sorrow filling up his face, and he knows that isn’t the answer he wanted to hear. He leans back, looking down in remorse, giving Sarawat space again.

Despite that, Sarawat still couldn’t breathe.

He can’t breathe because he saw how Tine smiled, not quite reaching his eyes like it always does, and looked up at him with such a crushing disappointed expression on his face. “Okay, Sarawat.”

Years pass, and Sarawat never did confess his feelings. They never disappeared, either.

But it’s alright.

It’s alright, even after ten years of not being able to feel anything for anyone else. It’s alright, even after ten years since he last saw and talked and heard from Tine. It’s alright, even when he received a letter after ten years.

He opened it, and he saw a wedding invitation. An invitation to someone’s wedding.

Tine’s wedding.

Sarawat supposed that he moved on, who wouldn’t after ten years? Who wouldn’t move on after Sarawat made his decision, and Tine made his?

He saw the picture that came with the invite, and he feels his heart skip a beat once more when he saw Tine’s face again, looking as gorgeous as ever. His hair was styled, and he looked more mature, more grown. His soft and tender eyes, his gentle and caring and beautiful smile...

... was looking at the girl beside him.

Sarawat feels a lump in his throat. He looks at the name. Pear. The girl’s name is Pear. A pretty name for a pretty girl.

A girl, someone that Sarawat is clearly not.

Sarawat placed the picture and invitation back down on the table. He hung his head, and he cried. 

But watching you stand alone, all of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

Sarawat looked at his reflection, sighing as he took off the coat frustratedly. “I don’t think anything suits me.”

“You look good in everything you wear, Prince Guntithanon.” Tine says from beside him, taking the coat he took off.

“Tine,” Sarawat berates lightly, a smile tugging his lips. “How many times do I need to tell you to call me Sarawat?”

Tine blushes, scratching the back of his neck.

For the last few years, the Teepakorn family has always worked for those in the throne. Whether corrupt or not, their family’s only mission is to serve. That’s what his great great grandfather did before, and his great grandmother, and his mother’s father, and eventually, Tine was up next to fulfill his family’s mission.

He was just a boy when he first met the prince. Tine was on the end of the dining hall, eating his food quietly along with all the other servants. It was the day his mom died, finally leaving him all alone in this world. He was very sad and he didn’t want to do anything else, but he had to follow those older than him so he had no choice but to leave his quarters– that he shared with five other boys– and eat. That was when his eyes roamed the huge room, bored, and landed on the prince on the other side of the room.

And Tine was immediately captivated.

He straightened up, eyes wide, cheeks flushing as he watched the prince smile and laugh at what the people said around him. Even as a kid, Sarawat was very handsome. His hair was full and looked very soft, his eyes were big and brown and they gleamed beautifully, and his smile– that’s what mesmerized Tine the most. How he felt this... this strange sensation knotting deep in his chest when the prince smiled like the sun, even though he hasn’t been outside the castle walls since he was a baby. He never saw the sun, or what it looked like, but just by seeing Sarawat, he can tell that it looked exactly like him.

He’s beautiful.

By chance, their eyes locked in the middle of the busy room.

Tine could only stare, his heart in his throat, everything stopping and disappearing at once and it seemed like they were the only ones in the room– like they were the last two people in the world. Tine watched, utterly enthralled, as the prince’s curvaceous lips curled up to the most irresistible grin Tine has ever seen. His eyes filled up with fascination as they stared at him, at Tine, of all people in the room.

Then, oh gosh, Tine’s heart stuttered in his chest when the prince sent a wink his way.

The days after that were fuzzy, but Tine mostly remembers the prince always approaching him and asking him to be his friend. Tine agreed, of course. Not because he really wanted to be closer with him and how these sensations in his chest grew, but because he was the prince, how could Tine deny a request from him?

(Not because Tine thought of the prince’s smile every night and wondered what it would be like if he gets to see it again. Definitely not that.)

After a few weeks, the two of them were never seen without the other. Whenever they’d walk down the hall, Tine would be listening to Sarawat, a small smile on his face, as he talked animatedly about politics and such and how he’d change the world one step at a time, starting with music (which he loves).

When Tine would be stuffing his face with food that Sarawat would bring to his quarters from the banquet hall, he’d often miss the way Sarawat would gaze at him softly, an indiscernible emotion flickering in his eyes.

It’s all too surreal to Tine– unbelievable that in the span of the short weeks that they know each other, they only seem to be getting closer and closer; there’s no denying it. Whenever one of them needs company, they would seek the other out, and the two of them would have conversations late at night until the dawn of day. Due to their friendship, Sarawat had decided to make a few arrangements with Tine’s quarters and now, they were the ones sharing a room together.

Some servants even said that they hear voices from their room when they go to their own rooms to sleep, and then still hear their voices when they wake up in the morning.

Their unexpected friendship surprised everyone, including Tine, but everyone eventually learned to see it as normal. Two different people, with strikingly contrasting personalities and statuses, forming a bond that everyone thought was unlikely or had never thought about at all.

Tine never thought that he’d get to have anything at all after his mother died. Sometimes, he even thought that Sarawat was too good for him. But he’d always wipe those insecurities away, telling him with an adamant expression and tone that he very much deserved everything that he has. And Tine could only stare; Sarawat’s assuring grin sending tingles and shivers all over his body.

Months pass, and sometimes, Tine had nightmares. Nightmares of his mother dying, and him being next. Nightmares of his mother’s frail and petite body being buried forever, making him the last Teepakorn standing.

There where times where these nightmares became too much and he’d jolt up from his bed, sweat and terror evident on his face. But then he’d see the moon shining bright through the window, the trees flowing along with the cool breeze. Underneath the dim lighting, he would see Sarawat on the other bed, sleeping peacefully even with his limbs everywhere. His easy breathing always found a way to calm Tine’s quick breaths, eventually slowing down his rapid pulse.

After a minute or two, he’d go back to sleep with no nightmares for the whole night. Times like these would happen, waking up screaming and crying, but the more time he spent with Sarawat, the more the nightmares lessened and then dropped away.

When they grew older, Sarawat asked his father to specifically have Tine as his personal servant. He agreed, of course, seeing nothing wrong with the request. But that only made them more closer; more time spent with each other and more delicate memories they made in secret, something only the two of them know.

As the years pass, Tine gets to be the one beside Sarawat as he grows more taller and his shoulders become more broad and his features becoming more handsome. It was unfair how he gets to be so blessed with everything– riches, status, fame, girls, looks– but Tine honestly couldn’t bring himself to care. As long as he still gets to be beside him, it was enough.

Now, they were at the royal tailor, searching for a suit that Sarawat would wear for his wedding.

It made Tine’s heart prick, twist in that painful way when he realized that he wouldn’t be needed in his life anymore.

“–llo? Tine?” Tine was snapped out of his thoughts when Sarawat waved a hand in front of his face, a confused and concerned smile gracing his lips. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am.” Tine replies quickly, looking down with flushed cheeks. He can’t bear to look at him right now. It’s... it’s too painful to see his smile and imagining it being directed at someone else, someone that was not him.

Sarawat softened, taking a step closer to him. “Are you really alright?”

“Why wouldn’t I be, Wat?” Tine smiles at him, the nickname easily slipping out his tongue. At times when they’re only with each other, he would call him by his name– something that was forbidden for lower class people like him to do. But it fits so well when he says it and he knows that Sarawat feels the same way. “I’m alright, so you should go back to picking your outfit.”

Sarawat sighs and runs a hand through his hair, making Tine follow the way his bangs roll back and fall over his brows once more. “Don’t remind me. I have tried every suit in this shop yet not one actually suits me.”

“As I’ve said, you look good in everything you wear.”

Sarawat shakes his head. “I really don’t want to do this.”

Tine steps closer to him, wiping off dust on his coat and fixing his tie, pointedly not looking at him. “What? Marry Pam?”

“Yes!” Sarawat groans, and Tine can feel his breath fan his face. He gulps quietly, still fixing his suit as Sarawat rambles on, seemingly unaware of the effect he has on him. “I mean, she is beautiful, but I don’t imagine myself spending my entire life with her. I’ve not felt any attraction at all whatsoever towards her, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings by marrying her into this one-sided love marriage.”

“You’ve said that about every girl there is out there, Wat.” Tine shakes his head, a small smile on his lips. He’s slightly glad that Sarawat doesn’t like any of the women the king brings to him because that means he’d get to be with him longer. It’s incredibly selfish, but Tine just doesn’t want the time where he’s of no use anymore to Sarawat to come. These sensations he feels with him are all too strong and they make him rash and possessive of someone that isn’t even his in the first place. “I’m sure Pam will make a great wife.”

“That’s just it, Tine!” Sarawat complains, looking like a little kid while doing so. “I don’t want a ‘good wife’, I want to actually fall in love! Haven’t you ever wanted to fall in love, Tine?”

I’ve never wanted it, but I still accepted the feeling of falling for you all those years ago.

“Love...” Tine trails off, his heart clenching when he remembers his ancestors before. They’ve always been unlucky with love– their other half always finding ways to leave them heartbroken. They’d run off, they’d find a better suitor, they’d find a wealthier person to be with, or they’d die. No Teepakorn in the family has had any luck with love, not even his own parents, and definitely not him either. “Love is not in the cards for me.”

Tine feels his heart picking up when Sarawat pulls him closer, leaving him with no choice but to look at him. Up close, Tine could see the eyes that captivated him, from back then up until now, staring at him with so much vehemence that his breath was taken away from how... how deep and sincere they looked. Tine feels his mouth part in a small gasp when he feels an electricity-like zap coursing through his veins when Sarawat placed his hand on the side of his head. He’d always do this– patting and caressing him softly like... like...

Like he loves him.

Tine stares at him as Sarawat’s eyes quickly glanced from his eyes to his mouth. Tine’s fingers trembled from where they lay on Sarawat’s shoulders. Sarawat furrows his brows, genuinely confused, and he started to speak, softly, so, very soft. “Why do you think that?”

Tine glanced away. His heart can’t handle his gaze, his gaze which looked at him like he was some special being. He isn’t. “My duty is to you and your family. I do not have time for love.”

“But...” Sarawat starts, opening and closing his mouth. He exhales a shaky breath. “But if that didn’t matter, if both our status didn’t matter, would... would you give love a chance?”

Would you give me a chance?

They both know that was the real question.

As much as Tine wanted to believe that he’s alone in his love for Sarawat, he isn’t. He knows that Sarawat felt the same as he does. Whenever Tine would look at him, he’d already see him staring at him before he quickly looks away like nothing had happened. Whenever Tine was alone, Sarawat would always seek and ask for his company even if he was busy with all his princely training and all.

Tine knows he isn’t the only one yearning and fighting this love that’s so... so wrong. Wrong, but can’t help but let it consume him anyways. Wrong, but can’t help the easy way he manages to fall in love bit by bit for the other.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

But it feels so right.

And as much as Tine wanted to indulge in this ignorance, this bliss which makes him feel like nothing would go wrong even though there’s so many things that could, he can’t act on these feelings, and he probably never will.

He takes his duty seriously. And his job didn’t require him to fall in love.

“I wouldn’t.” Tine answers as convincingly as he could, even though it was all lies. But Sarawat seemed to believe him; with the way his hopeful expression turned to one of sadness and how his hands– that Tine didn’t even notice that was on his waist– fell and hung lifelessly on his sides. Tine feels everything shattering– his world, his façade, his heart. He tried to keep the stoic expression on his face, fighting back the urge to reach out to Sarawat and kiss the melancholy he found on his face. “I take my duty seriously.”

“Is that so?” Sarawat mumbles, taking a step back. Tine suddenly feels as if he’s been punched in the gut. Sarawat never stepped away from him. He’d always find ways to be closer, for them to be touching all the time, and to be in his personal bubble.

But now, he’s stepping back. Because of Tine, because he’s such a cowardly idiot.

“Okay, then.” Despite mercilessly rejecting him, Sarawat still smiled at him. Tine can see the sun once more, seeing it burn everyone around him, leaving no one at its wake. Tine can only stare– stare as that lovely smile that was supposed to be reserved for him, only him, was finally directed at someone else. Tine can only watch helplessly as he kissed Pam, that same smile still on his beautiful lips. He can only watch, his heart aching terribly, as Sarawat stood at the large altar with his white tailored suit with the wife he’d spend his life with. He wanted to act, oh he wanted to act so badly.

And he did.

He acted, at the best and yet at the most worst possible timing. He runs towards him, taking the bullet that was aimed at his chest, blocking him protectively and falling on the ground with a thud. Everyone in the chapel started to scream and panic, but Tine was strangely at peace. He was at peace as he lays on the ground, blood pouring out the wound and staining his shirt. He was at peace as Sarawat hovers over him, shaking his body and adding pressure to where he was shot. His normally calm and collected face had tears– tears for him.

Tine blinks, his vision getting hazy. He thinks he heard a scream slip from Sarawat’s lips, telling him to be strong and to wait for the doctors to arrive. But he can’t hold on any longer. He can’t will it in him to keep his eyes open anymore. More sobs and screams echo his ears, and it sounds so painful coming from the boy above him because he’s supposed to be happy. Tine wants him to be happy.

“No, Tine, no, please.” Sarawat begs, choking and tripping on words, connecting their foreheads together. “Don’t leave me, please, Tine. Tine!”

Tine thought, while slowly drifting away to darkness, that even though he’s about to die, he’s glad that his final words to the prince were, “I love you.” 

I will be brave, I will not let anything take away what’s standing in front of me

Sarawat ran across the battlefield, breathing heavily, his heart thundering loudly in his ears, as he ignored all the screams and gunshots around. He did his best to run for cover, escaping from the enemies that were mercilessly taking lives of innocents and his allies.

He felt tears well up his eyes when he ran to the forest, wondering how many bodies lay there behind him– dead or dying. There was no escape or reprieve for them. It was unfair how cruelly their lives were taken from them. And that’s exactly why Sarawat signed up for this war; to prevent more people from being killed by these terrorists. He’s here for his family. They’re his purpose to stay and fight for a better future.

A step.

He immediately spun on his feet and aimed his rifle at the soldier behind him.

It was a boy.

He quickly looked at his uniform, his eyes hardening when he saw the red flag on his sleeve.

The enemy.

Before he could pull the trigger, the boy drops his gun and frantically raised his hands up in surrender, eyes wide and filled with fear that no soldier should ever have. “P-Please!” The boy exclaims, voice shaky and terrified, tears shining in his eyes. “Don’t shoot! I-I don’t want to die, please.”

His mind screamed at him not to trust the boy, but as Sarawat looks more at his face, the more he knows the emotions he found there couldn’t be faked. The boy didn’t look that much older than him, probably around the same age as him as well, and the fear and terror Sarawat sees flickering in his eyes made him lower his gun, only for a little bit.

The boy puts his hands up higher, his lips trembling as he scrambled to explain, his hands shaking uncontrollably in the air. “I– I don’t like being here, I swear. I really don’t want to die, please don’t kill me.”

Sarawat looks at him a little longer, glancing at him from up to down.

His uniform was dirty and had scratches like his, but he seemed to have more blood on his legs. He looked so innocent, so young with the way his eyes were so afraid and the way his face was thin from possible starvation. There were bags under his eyes, and his hair was sticking to his temple from all the sweat accumulated there. He’s suddenly reminded of himself, of how they’re almost similar in age, and how the boy has probably seen a lot than what he’s supposed to. Exactly like him.

“If you double-cross me, you’re dead. Got it?” Sarawat hissed, and the boy nodded repeatedly. Sarawat finally lowered his rifle and the boy leans against the bark of the tree, heaving out quick breaths. Sarawat starts to reload his gun, stealing glances at the boy to see if he has any intent of attacking him. So far, he sees none.

“I don’t want to be here.” The boy explains, flinching when Sarawat turns to look at him. “I-I was forced into this war. I hate fighting and I hate this battle and I hate this war. I– uhh... I’d surrender but I know that they’d kill me instantly and I really don’t want that.”

“You do know why they’d kill you, right?” Sarawat asked harshly, gesturing at the boy’s uniform. “You’re with the side of the war that says some of us don’t deserve freedom, or any rights at all. A side that killed people with no ounce of mercy or regret because they can, for no reason at all.”

“I know.” The boy says desperately, grasping his hair and pulling it in frustration. “I hate it. I hate the f-flag and the uniform I’m wearing. I hate how they... how they k-killed my family and said I’d be next if I d-don’t participate in this war. I hate how stupidly selfish and cowardly I am.”

And there, Sarawat feels sympathy. He suddenly feels a strange urge to protect this boy, to see him smiling and laughing after the gruesome battle. He wants to see this boy away from this war, away from all these killings and shootings. This protectiveness spreads from his bones and through his blood, his heart painfully aching the more he stares at this young boy who’s been through so much already.

“Go south.” Sarawat advised. The boy looked at him in surprise, and something swelled in his chest. “Find work, ditch your uniform. There’s a better life there than living in fear. Don’t die for a cause you hate. Save yourself.”

The boy’s eyes widened considerably, before tears started to escape from the edges. Sarawat couldn’t help but reach out, wanting to wipe those tears away, but then he was engulfed in a warm hug. He lets out a breath of surprise, tense as ever, but the boy continued to embrace him, arms tightly wrapped around his middle. Sarawat sighs and hugs him as well, because heck, when’ll be the last time he gets to experience an intimacy like this again? When will be the last time he’ll be hugged before his time probably comes–

“Thank you.” The boy whispered, so fucking soft that it made Sarawat’s heart clench again. “Thank you so much. I... thank you.” That last one was a breath of relief, and he’s glad to have found this boy before anyone else did. If someone else had ran into him, they’d waste no time to shoot him to the ground.

They jumped apart from each other when they heard the startling sound of a canon exploding nearby. Sarawat hardened his gaze once again, reminding himself once again why he was here, the reality that they were still in battle and that the fight was still ongoing.

“Go.” Sarawat ushers, lifting his rifle once more and turning the other way, away from the boy. “Get out of here while you still can. I’ll cover for you.”

Sarawat started to run, but he stopped when he heard the boy call out. “Wait!” He turned back to look at him, and he can’t believe how much he hasn’t noticed how stunning this boy actually looks. Sarawat gulps, his heart beating faster, as the boy gazed at him with curiosity and wonder. “I... my name is Tine. Wha– What’s yours?”

It’s so unbelievably normal, and he’s thankful this boy– Tine, he means– gave him a sense of what he’d like to have back when everything will be normal again. “Sarawat.” He smiles, his heartbeat quickening and a warm blush spreads on his face. “My name is Sarawat.”

Tine smiles back at him, and oh gosh, why is Sarawat feeling this way? “Sarawat.” He tested, causing a wave of emotions to flood in Sarawat’s bones from how right his name sounded coming from him. He smiles wider, and Sarawat wondered if he’ll ever get to see that smile after all of this is over. “I’ll be sure to find you after this war ends.”

Tine did find him after.

Tine found him in his funeral; dead and unmoving in his coffin, months after fighting in the war and protecting the people that needed saving.

After all this time, all Tine thought was, “Why didn’t Sarawat think that he himself also deserved to be saved?”

It was unfair.

Every breath, every hour has come to this

In this world, Tine is a villain.

The reason he went into villainy is because he only wanted justice for those people who were abused, discriminated, and stolen of their lives. The only best way to take action is to instill fear in everyone’s hearts, for them to stick together and realize that everyone is important. A twisted motive, but it’s the only way that Tine knows how.

Of course with every yin, there’s a yang.

And to his darkness, Sarawat is his light.

The great hero, Sarawat Guntithanon, was always there beating him at every time he’d try to do something. At first, it pricked Tine annoyingly. This guy is an asshole and couldn’t he just leave him alone?

But Tine never was the type who gets angry for long.

He actually ended up falling for the hero.

He started to like everything about him; his selfless and caring heart, his strong virtues, his determination and will to achieve his goals. Heck, he was really handsome as well. Everything about him is perfect, even if he is his enemy.

Slowly, he started to fight just so he could see him. He started to terrorize the city just so he can see the victorious expression on his face when he beats him. He started to do anything to capture the hero’s– Sarawat’s– attention. He went grand and extreme, and he actually likes it when he loses in a fight because that only means they’d meet each other again.

He never does anything without a reason anymore– instead, he does it all for Sarawat.

But despite everything, he’s still the villain. He’s still the same person that traumatized millions of children and adults. He’s still the same wicked person deep down inside. Even if he did wanted to change, to probably have a fresh new start, he couldn’t because of all the damage and destruction he caused.

Tine only wanted was for corrupted bastards to change their ways, but now, he’s deemed as one as well.

That’s why... that’s why as Sarawat pushes him off a cliff to meet his doom, he doesn’t regret anything. Not one bit. Tine accepted his death, and how he’d never have the chance to have a normal life and love ever again.

At least Sarawat was the one who did it.

I have died everyday waiting for you, darling, don’t be afraid

Their stories continued.

There would be realities where they’re strangers; bumping into each other in the street and immediately sensing a connection. Sadly, they never meet again.

There would be universes where they’re partners in crime; stealing and committing crimes with each other. The famous couple among all the criminals out there. But those universes don’t end well– they either die a gruesome death or get separated in jail.

There would be worlds where they’re classmates; too shy to tell each other that they like one another. Their friends would help and push them to be together, but it’s all no use. In these worlds, they eventually grow up and marry other people; satisfied, but regretting the fact that they never did confess to each other.

There would be times where Tine would ask Sarawat to be his fake boyfriend, sometimes even the other way around, but they’d always end up being pulled apart by Mil, or Pear, or Pam. Their fake dating would end as soon as it began, and other times, they’d always have a big fight and never talk to each other ever again. Sarawat’s heart would ache because he knew that he’d never really move on from Tine, and Tine would always feel sad because he feels like what they had was a missed opportunity.

There would be alternate realities where they’re happy, until something unfortunate happens. They would be happy, until one of them dies and leaves the other. They would be happy, until someone else swoops in and makes a move before the other ever could.

It was the same cycle over and over. As much attraction they feel towards one another, as much as they clearly belong to each other and the pull of their hearts would always lead back to one another in every world, in every reality, they would never end up together.

They would be happy and contented with their lives. They’d always end up marrying someone else and have kids and the best life. No one would be sad– they had no reason to. There would be no questions left to answer, and no feelings left to return to.

It was always a good ending.

It was never a happy ending.

And sometimes, they both wonder, when will they get their happy ending? When will they finally end up together?

Probably never.

I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more

But in one world... in one, single world... Tine happily jumps up and down, singing loudly with Fong by his side. They were both at a Scrubb concert, after a hard day in school, being uplifted with the songs that were playing. Especially Tine– whose girlfriend had just broken up with him for a much better man. 

He was down all day, but good thing Fong dragged his sad ass out of home and brought him here, actually listening live to the music of his idols. 

“This is amazing!” Tine whoops, grinning widely at his best friend. “There’s nothing better than this!” 

Fong returned his grin, jumping wildly with him as they both turned back to the stage and started singing along with the crowd. 

Tine’s too happy; too happy that every shitty thing that happened earlier completely vanished from his mind. Too happy that he didn’t even notice slipping away from Fong’s grasp and jumping backwards. Too happy that he only just realized how far back he had gone when he bumped into a stranger. Tine turns his head to look at him, ready to apologize, but the words die on his tongue when he saw the face of the guy he bumped into. 

Shit. 

Shit. 

He had deep eyes, eyes that Tine wants to dive into and swim in everyday. Eyes that were wide to him in surprise, also a tinge of wonder, causing Tine’s cheeks to flush from the intense gaze, but finding himself unwilling to look away. He had unbelievably fluffy hair that fell over his brows, making Tine want to run his fingers through those strands and see if his assumption of it being soft is true. He had features that Tine wanted to stare at all day, his heart swooning at the handsome attributes of his face and the attractive curve of his cupid’s bow. 

Shit, Tine thought dazedly, staring at the guy with parted lips, his breath hitching in his throat when the guy’s eyes glanced down on his mouth before looking back at his eyes again. If Tine surely wasn’t bi before, this guy would definitely be his awakening. 

“I’m so sorry.” Tine sputters out, hoping this guy isn’t annoyed at him because he somewhat feels the need to know more about him, to talk to him more, to be a part of his life. “I didn’t notice that I was jumping too far back and I was too distracted by the music that I didn’t care about my surroundings and I’m really, really sorry.” 

The guy shook his head, still looking at him in that soft and curious gaze that makes Tine’s insides twist and turn. “It’s fine.” He said, voice smooth and Tine imagines him being a musician for some reason. “I... I really like your smile.” 

Tine’s jaw dropped at that, his brain malfunctioning, his whole face reddening at the compliment. He watches as the guy scratches the back of his head, a hint of pink across his cheeks, looking as nervous and as shy as Tine is. Tine swallows a lump in his throat, his brain still refusing to believe the fact that a handsome stranger just complimented him on his smile, something Tine hasn’t heard anyone else say about him before. Sure, people compliment him on multiple things, other physical aspects of himself or his intelligence, but a stranger definitely doesn’t just appear and tell him he likes his smile. 

Tine holds out a hand to him, offering a wobbly but kind smile. “I’m Tine, you are?”

The guy inspects his hand for a second before he clasped his own with it. “Sarawat.” 

Tine doesn’t know if it’s just him, but a jolt of electricity swarmed through his skin at the contact. The guy’s hand was warm, calloused, but still very much warm and something that Tine doesn’t want to let go of, ever. Strangely, he feels comfortable with their hands interlocked like this. He doesn’t normally like his hands, but he likes them so much in this moment as it fitted with Sarawat’s hand like muscle memory, like he’s done this multiple times before and not just today. 

He looks Sarawat over again, feeling a strange pull towards him. Like he’s seen him before, met him before, over and over. He radiated familiarity to Tine even though he’s a complete stranger. Oddly, looking at Sarawat’s face and eyes, it wasn’t at all unfamiliar, or something that Tine didn’t know, but even just his gaze makes Tine think that he had that gaze on him before, that the longer he stared at it, the more he feels as if he actually knows him, even if they only met today. 

Sarawat’s eyes widened, and maybe Tine isn’t so alone in feeling the warmth of their joint fingers. 

“Do I know you?” Tine asked curiously, brows furrowed, wondering what it is about him that made Tine feel this way, as if they’ve gone over introductions a hundred times, as if they’re bound to be friends and possibly something more. 

“I don’t think so...” Sarawat trails off, looking unsure of his answer. His eyes squinted at him and Tine doesn’t mind at all as Sarawat scrutinized his face, searching for something he doesn’t know what. 

“Another life, maybe?” Tine joked, a grin coming up his lips. It sounded ridiculous, to be honest, but a little part of Tine believed that maybe that is true. Maybe the reason why Sarawat was too familiar to him is because he met him somewhere else, some time else, maybe some other existence. 

Sarawat’s eyes lighted up with humor, a small smile adorning his lips. “Yeah.” He whispers, voice soft, making Tine squeal internally at how much he wants to listen to that voice even more. “Maybe it is.” 

“Well, Sarawat,” Tine drawls out, giving him one of his flirtatious grins. “I’m still sorry for bumping into you, so can I make it up to you? How about lunch?” 

Sarawat’s eyes widened at that, his cheeks reddening slightly. Tine grins wider in victory, high-fiving himself mentally at the achievement of making Sarawat flustered. “Is that a yes?” 

Sarawat snapped out of his blushing state and started to smirk. “Sure, pretty boy. I don’t mind going on a date with someone as beautiful as you.” Sarawat places a hand on the side of Tine’s head, warmth radiating from his touch, and he winks. 

Tine just about short-circuits, mouth gaping like a fish, a maddening red spreading across his cheeks. Okay, so he definitely didn’t expect that to come out of Sarawat’s mouth. He didn’t expect for him to call him a pretty boy, or bluntly say the word date, or him also calling him beautiful, which, yet again, no one has ever called him before. 

Well, well, well, then. This guy’s got game, and Tine can definitely play along. 

They talked for the whole concert, which surprised Tine more so than he’d like to admit because his favorite band is performing and he isn’t even listening. But talking to Sarawat is very much worth it. They both talked about their brothers, about which college they were going to go to and which faculty they’ll join, and about their interests and hobbies and friends. It oddly made Tine feel warm because among all the jumping and screaming and singing crowd, they were the only two people who focused on each other. 

It’s also weird, how everything Sarawat said was already so familiar to him. How Tine doesn’t feel like he’s getting to know him, rather, he’s actually remembering who he is. How every whisper and smile Sarawat sends his way brings Tine to the impossible conclusion that maybe he has met him before. That maybe they weren’t so different, that they’re much more entwined than Tine knows. 

After talking for about an eternity, the Scrubb concert had finally ended. Tine and Sarawat exchanged numbers before Sarawat gave him a small wave, a smile on his face as he left along with his friends. 

“There’s nothing better than this, huh?” He hears Fong say from behind him, repeating the words he had said earlier. Fong laughs and places his hand on top of Tine’s shoulder. “Well, you are right. There’s nothing better than having a boyfriend in your favorite concert.” 

Tine ignored the comment, watching Sarawat’s silhouette walk away in the distance, his heart in his throat, lips parted in wonder, eyes wide. “I think I just asked out my soulmate.”

And all along I believed I would find you, time has brought you heart to me

“Stupid rain.” Tine grumbles, cursing as his clothes got even more soaked as he ran through the rain, which definitely wasn’t stopping any time soon.

He was supposed to meet Sarawat today, goddammit! How can he show himself now when he’s all wet and haggard? 

It’s been a year since they first met– or maybe first met in this life– in that concert, and they’ve only been getting close ever since. They hang out all the time, almost every single day that their friends also became friends with one another. It was perfect how Sarawat fitted into his life so easily. How it was impossible for Tine to think that there was a point in his life that didn’t even knew him. It’s amazing, wonderful, and a steady uphill from there. 

But even though Tine is clearly attracted to him, and flirted with him, he still didn’t have the guts to ask him out. How could he? Sarawat could be straight, for all he knows! 

It’s just... unlike the people he’s gone out with before, Sarawat is the only person Tine wants to be more careful with, wants their relationship to last longer than those flings. He really, really likes Sarawat and doesn’t want to ruin their friendship even though he wants it to be something more. 

After a few more running, and jumping on puddles because it’s fun, he finally arrived at the coffee shop Sarawat told him to meet up at. He saw Sarawat waiting at the entrance, nervously glancing at his watch, an umbrella in his hand. When they finally met gazes, Sarawat’s eyes widened in surprise as he rushed on over to him, holding the umbrella over his head. “Tine! What are you doing running in the rain with no umbrella?! You could get sick! And don’t tell me it’s okay because I know very well that you get sick easily! And why are you wearing just a t-shirt, you tua woon wai–” 

While Sarawat rambled off in front of him, looking concerned and frustrated at him at the same time, brushing Tine’s wet locks from his forehead, Tine could only stare, his brain conjuring up an idea, an impulse so strong that he can feel it in his bones, in every fibre of his being, the words on the tip of tongue.

He never thought that he’d get to confess in the rain, literally dripping from head to toe, a scene so unbelievably cliché that it almost made Tine laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. 

“I like you.” 

The words were out quickly. Tine watched, as Sarawat immediately stopped talking, eyes going impossible huge, mouth slacking in shock. 

“I have feelings for you for over a year now.” Tine explains hastily, wanting nothing more than to get the words out as soon as possible because regret is slowly creeping up his spine and his cheeks started to flame from embarrassment but he still ploughed on, nonetheless. “Since that concert, actually. I know it may seem weird and all but it’s true. I can’t help but like you, as in like-like you because somehow you’re familiar to me and liking you comes to me naturally like I’ve been doing it my whole life and when you smile it really feels like I’ve seen it before and–” 

Tine was promptly cut off by Sarawat’s lips connecting with his own. 

Tine feels his soul leaving his body as Sarawat presses his lips softly, tender, his other hand on top of his cheek. His mouth moved maddeningly slow against his, passionate, as if they have all the time in the world. Tine melts, his heartbeat steadying to a comfortable rhythm, his chest warming all over. Before Tine could even kiss him back, Sarawat pulled away, the kiss ending as soon as it begun.

Tine opens his eyes, not realizing that he closed them in the first place, and sees the fond and happy look on Sarawat’s face, a wide smile on his lips. “Tine.” He whispers, soft and low, sending a shiver down Tine’s body. “I really like you too.” 

Tine wanted to believe it, he wanted to believe it so bad. This all feels like a fever dream, something he doesn’t want to wake up from, feeling more like a fantasy rather than real life. But it’s reality, and Sarawat just kissed him and confessed as well.

“Oh.” Tine mutters, small and cracking from emotion. He can’t believe this, he actually can’t believe that this was all happening right now. Oh gosh.

“Yeah.” Sarawat breathes out, his smile widening. “Will you be my boyfriend?”

“Yes.” Tine answers desperately, a grin finally cracking on his face. “Yes, please.”

I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more

Sarawat fidgets nervously, a soft piano playing in the background, his stomach turning and twisting in nervousness.

“Five more minutes.” Man says, walking up beside him, patting and giving his shoulder a comforting squeeze. “Ready?”

“I’m nervous as hell.” Sarawat mutters. It’s completely true; he was shifting from foot to foot, he keeps putting his hands in front and at the back of him because he doesn’t know where to place it, and his heart was beating rapidly that Sarawat is afraid it’ll jump out. “What if I forget my vows? What I drop the rings because I’m so jittery? What if Tine doesn’t even say yes–”

“Wat, Sarawat, calm down.” Man assured, rubbing his hand across his arm. “Everything will go perfectly, okay? You’ve practiced your vows to me and Boss multiple times. Even we have them memorized by now.” Sarawat laughs at that. Man grins. “If you drop the rings, you can always pick it up. It’s not like it’s dirty or anything. And have the last six years mean nothing to you? Tine definitely loves you, and I have no doubt that he’ll say yes. So don’t worry, okay? We’ll be here the entire time.” Man gestures his head towards his friends, who all gave him reassuring smiles and thumbs up to prove Man’s point.

“Okay.” Sarawat whispers, still feeling a bit nervous. “Here goes nothing.”

Sarawat stood tall, looking over the place. He saw Tine’s family and friends up front, all with excited and happy grins on their faces. Fong and Chat were sitting side by side, smiles on their faces, giving Sarawat a wave. Everyone else was here; Type, Phuak, Ohm, Earn and Pear, P’Air and Pam, Boss, P’Dim and Green, Phukong and Mil, and other people they’d become friends with over the years in college. Sarawat trails his eyes back in front of him, his heart skipping a beat at the sight.

Tine.

Tine stood in front of the huge doors, his white tux showing off his elegant and lithe figure, a deep blue tie around his neck. His hair was gelled back, a couple of strands falling over his eyes, a hint of makeup highlighting the contours of his sharp features. His lips curled up, forming into that bright smile Sarawat loves so much, his nervousness vanishing along with his ability to breathe.

Tine was absolutely beautiful.

Sarawat started to smile, tears glistening in his eyes, as Tine walked down the aisle, his smile blinding everything around him.

He can’t believe this is happening. He can’t believe he’s finally marrying the man of his dreams, his first boyfriend, his first love. Everything about this moment is a dream come true, a fairytale-like ending to their story.

It was a tough ride. They no doubt faced huge bumps along the way; fights, tears, anger– but all of that would always be quickly replaced by grins, kisses, and I love you’s in random times of joy and sadness. It was something that the both of them helped build up, something both of them worked on, together.

And together they will be.

As they kissed on the altar, their wedding rings shining on their fingers, their friends and families cheering for them, they don’t imagine anyone else they’d end up with, anyone else they’d rather spend their life with. 

They don’t imagine a world where they’re not together.

One step closer

One step closer