Chapter Text
DAY 1
It’s all Fletch’s fault. He came into the house today with a huge grin on his face.
“What’s in the bag?” Dougie asked.
“The best idea I’ve ever had!” he replied looked very pleased with himself. He opened it…
…and pulled out four spiral notebooks.
“You’re giving us school books?” I asked, looking at the pink one he had handed me with a satin cover. (PINK!)
“They’re not school books, Harry!” said Fletch. “They’re diaries. You four guys are to keep a diary and then when they’re filled, we sell them off to charity!”
I glared at him. “Why do I have to have the pink one?!”
It’s not fair. Tom got a red one, Danny got a blue one and Dougie got a black one.
“It was all there was in the shop,” Fletch shrugged. “Besides, you’re the most feminine out of the group, so I figured you wouldn’t mind!”
I glared at him. There are bloody good reasons why I’m the most feminine but seeing as this is going to get read by some grotty teenie bopper in a couple of months times, I’m not going to put it down here.
I opened the front page.
“‘A Private Princess’s Diary’?! Fletch, I might be girly but I’m not a six year old!!”
Fletch laughed. “You’ll get over it.”
“There’s glitter all over it!!” I sniffed the pages. “And there’s perfume!!”
“Well this might cheer you up,” said Fletch, opening his bag again. “Your diary came with a free pen.”
He handed me a pink biro with what looked like a miniature fluffy flamingo on the top.
I really don’t see the point in this. I mean, we’re not going to write anything deep and meaningful in these bloody books and the same goes for anything personal! Who the hell would want to read the diary of a 19 year old pop star?!
I hate Fletch.
And Dougie. I wanted the black one. It would match my mood.
DAY 2
Tried to paint over the bloody pink cover. I wanted to use black but Dougie, miserable wanker, started complaining that it would be too much like his. However, I found some hideous lime green paint at the back of my cupboard and figuring that it would be better than pink, used that.
The person who designed this cover is clearly burning in hell for their sins. The green paint sunk into the satin, leaving no trace that there ever had been anything.
I can hear the paint sloshing about in the cover and now this book squelches when I write.
DAY 3
Hahah!! Brilliant!! This book DOES have some uses to it after all!!
See, we were on this TV show today (Not sure what it was. After a while, they all start to blur into one. This turned out to be particularly disastrous when Danny forgot that we were on a kids TV show and talked about how he “got off” to Joss Stone, with sound effects for those who didn’t know what it meant. We haven’t been asked back since.)
Anyway, on this show, the presenter, some blond idiot who giggled at everything, asked us what it was about this special thing we were doing for “Make Poverty History.” Tom proudly told her about the diaries, and she asked to see them.
So of course, out came the book which I would have liked to be kept a secret for as long as possible.
“Aww, Harry, you’ve got a pink one!” she squealed.
“Yeah, don’t touch it, it oozes,” I warned, just as she was about to pick it up and risk getting slime all over her white dress.
In hindsight, I should have just let her pick it up, especially with what happened next.
“So Harry, seeing as you’ve got a pink diary, does this mean that the rumours about you being gay are true?” she asked.
I laughed and told her that she had to be kidding. “I like gorgeous, smart girls like you too much!” I said. (Very good, just as Fletch had told me to say. He hasn’t told me what to say if a guy asks.)
She giggled like crazy, when Dougie – God rot him – laughed and said “You? Harry said back stage that he thought that a ping-pong ball with a wig on would have more intelligence than you!”
I did what any normal person would have done. I picked up my diary and threw it at his face.
It was classic! Green slime went everywhere and we were all laughing about it like lunatics until I noticed that there was red bubbling amongst the green on his face.
Quite cleverly, I’d broken Dougie’s nose.
DAY 4
Dougie looks hilarious. His nose is swollen and bruised which keeps his eyes permanently set to squint-mode but he has two black eyes as well. He looks like the demented crossover between a snake and a panda.
The cover of this book has also gone some nasty brown shade, like a rotten apple. On the plus side, it no longer oozes, but there’s also now a large dent in the front where it hit Dougie’s nose. I asked Fletch if I could have a new one.
“But it won’t be authentic then!” he said.
I tried to explain as politely as I could that I seriously doubted that anyone would want to read a book with a cover that was a nasty mixture of pink satin, green paint and blood that’s been written by a 19 year old pop star.
We’ll be lucky to get 3p for this. How the hell is this going to help “Make Poverty History”?!
In other news, James B. came over. He needs a place to stay, seeing as Matt kicked him out the house for moping about Charlie leaving the band. Tom told me to be nice to him, so I asked him what he wanted to do.
He moped about Charlie leaving the band for about half an hour. Tried to point out politely that this was four months ago and most people have got over it.
God, James can be so unreasonable at times.
And violent.
DAY 5
Katherine (older sister) has a birthday coming up soon. Should really send her something, seeing as I forgot Christmas last year. Mum still won’t let me live it down. (Well how the hell was I supposed to know we were going to Lapland to celebrate Christmas?! I just thought it was a family holiday!)
Went out with Danny to nearby shopping centre to buy her a dress. They’re about the same size (Danny and Katherine, not Katherine and the shopping centre.) Went into about 50 girl shops, getting weird looks from all the shop assistants when I asked Danny if he thought something would fit him but what else can I do? I can hardly ask Kath to come out shopping with me for her surprise birthday present, can I?!
Finally, we decided on a pretty off-the-shoulder purple dress. It looked pretty good on Danny, so I’m pretty sure it’ll look brilliant on Kath.
At least, I hope it does.
Danny was moaning that no one would take him serious as a bad-ass guitarist, and by asking him to try on a dress, I was insulting his masculinity.
He does know he’s in a boyband, right?
DAY 6
Hmm. After hanging it up last night carefully in my wardrobe, I found Kath’s new dress on the floor of my room today, all stretched out of shape. Accused Danny, although thinking about it, maybe I should have picked a better time to do so than on Top of The Pops, especially right after his solo in “All About You.”
Ah well, maybe this will take all the heat off me about being gay.
Not that I actually AM gay.
James still moping. Tom had to give up his bedroom so that he has somewhere to sleep. Dougie asked why we couldn’t just give him a fifty and send him to the pub. Have to admit, he had a good point. At least it would get him out of our hair (and house).
DAY 7
Went home to give Kath her present. She seemed happy enough with it. I told her that it was supposed to be baggy and that was the latest craze. I think she bought it.
She did seem slightly confused about why it smelt so much of Lynx deodorant though.
Mum told me that this didn’t make up for me forgetting Christmas, just as Kath was blowing out the candles on her cake. Way to ruin the wish Mum! No wonder Kath looked so bloody miserable afterwards.
Went back to McFly house.
Attempted to hang self in bathroom with Danny’s guitar strings but was interrupted by Dougie banging on the door whining “Are you still in there Harry?! Hurry up, I really need a wee!!!”
Gave up on suicide attempt. Untied guitar strings from the lamp shade and climbed down off toilet.
On the way out of the bathroom, Dougie asked me what I was doing in there with Danny’s spare guitar strings.
“Wanking off,” I replied sarcastically.
DAY 8
Danny came into the recording studio today, screaming “WHAT ELSE OF MY STUFF HAVE YOU BEEN TOUCHING?!?!”
Hate Dougie.
DAY 9
Accidentally walked into bathroom today to find Tom in the thickest bubble bath know to humanity, in the middle of an obscene act with... Danny??? Too many bubbles to see clearly.
Ran out quickly trying not to scream.
DAY 10
Danny and Tom keep acting all smug and happy with each other which pretty much confirms things.
“And you accuse ME of being gay?!” I yelled.
Danny and Tom looked up in the middle of arm-wrestle/lame excuse to hold hands.
“Aren’t you?” Tom asked in mild surprise.
I rolled my eyes and stormed out the kitchen.
Hate couples.
DAY 11
Have just realised that all of this is going to be read by some sad-act teenie bopper who has about a million posters of us on her walls which she kisses every single night and listens to our CD and nothing else every single day, believing firmly that there are no other bands out there that are worth listening to. This is also the same girl who actually believes she has a chance with us and that should we meet her, we will be bowled over and fall in love immediately.
So what have you found out so far, my dear little teenie bopper reading this?
Tom and Danny are gay, James is obsessed with Charlie, Dougie is a knob, Danny has a mad fetish for wearing women’s clothing and I hate pretty much everyone and everything.
Oh my God, this is going to be the perfect way to turn all our fans AGAINST us.
DAY 12
Fletch told us that we have an interview in a couple of days with some girls who run a website about us.
How sad.
Anyway, apparently these girls are going to put up the interview on their website so that everyone can meet the “real us.” This is about the seventh interview like this in two months.
DAY 13
Was woken up at some god-unearthly hour by James banging on my bedroom door. Was prepared to pull the bedcovers over head and ignore him when Danny yelled from his room “FOR GOD’S SAKE HARRY, LET HIM IN!!”
Opened door, let James in. He wanted to mope about Charlie.
In a kind and generous act, I let him mope for five minutes. Then I said “Man, I’m tired! See you in the morning!” and yawned widely, hoping he would get the (very blatant) hint.
He didn’t. Instead, he just looked at me mournfully and said in a small voice “Can sleep in your bed tonight?”
Was about to say “NO! Piss off!!” when he pulled THAT face. You know the one I mean. The one like Puss in Boots does in Shrek 2, with big wide eyes, looking sad.
Gave in and said “Fine, I’ll go and sleep on the sofa downstairs.”
“No wait, could you stay here?” he asked in that bloody small voice. “Would you just hold me?”
I feel raped and violated. No sooner had I (very reluctantly) put one arm around James’s shoulders, he suddenly threw himself at me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
So much for me holding him. Was hardly going to get any sleep with the small facts that there was –
a) A 22 year old man having both arms wrapped around my waist and his head on my chest
b) The same 22 year old man who spent about half an hour rubbing his head against my BARE chest. (Why, God WHY did I decided to sleep in my boxers and nothing else?!?)
c) The same 22 year old man who, once he stopped rubbing against me, snored like a jack-hammer.
When I tried to sneak out as soon as the sun rose, he wouldn’t let go. Instead, he rolled over on top of me. Dougie heard me give a yell of surprise when this happened and came to look. Instead of helping me, like most people would, he pissed himself laughing (well, not LITERALLY. Wish he had though), got Danny and Tom to come and look, and then took a photo.
Bastard.
Plus, James kept muttering “Ohhh Charlie,” in his sleep.
I am NOT letting him sleep with me tonight. I will put my foot down and remain strong, even if he pulls THAT face. I am a strong, independent 19 year old male, I can do this.
DAY 14
In bed.
James is lying on top of me again.
I wish he wouldn’t. He’s not exactly a light-weight.
Grabbed his phone while he was sleeping and texted Kara (James’ Ex, who dumped him the day after Busted split up and was only using him for fame) for help.
“Harry ere. Not dat its hapenin 2 me bt in da unlikly evnt dat James woz slepin ontop of u wot wood u do 2 gt rid of him? Not dat dis is actualy hapenin. ”
Kara texted back; “Tel J. Charli is downstars. Then barricade ur door while hes gon.”
Tried it.
Happy to say, it worked.
DAY 15
Stormed into Fletch’s office after interview with McFly website girl was over.
“YOU COULD HAVE TOLD US IT WAS A SLASH SITE!!”
DAY 16
Slash site put up interview. It’s even worse than I realised. Printed it off the worst part and stuck it in here.
We were given the once in a lifetime opportunity to interview McFly. So naturally, we asked the questions that everyone has been wanting to know.
US : So, Harry, what are these rumours about you being gay?
HARRY : Haha, not likely!! I like gorgeous, smart girls like you two too much!
US : *Laughs* But seriously though, haven’t any of you ever felt attracted to another?
TOM : Well, we’re all really close with each other. I mean, there’s four of us all living in the same house most of the time.
US : We know, but do any of you love each other?
TOM : Well, we’re all really close, of course we love each other! We’re like brothers!
US : Cutting to the chase; have any of you ever kissed?
Here, all the McFly boys suddenly cough and blush.
HARRY : You know that we have, that’s where all the rumours about me being gay from!
US : Ah yes those. Care to explain where they came from?
HARRY : *Mutters something under his breath and rolls his eyes.* Oh god, this is so stupid. Look, there was one party which there were some photographers at, and we’d all had a bit too much to drink!
US : What happened?
HARRY : You bloody well know what happened!!
US : Yes, but there might be some people reading this who don’t know.
DOUGIE : I doubt that.
US : Go on, tell us.
HARRY : Oh God. Fine, basically, after one too many drinks, there was a photographer taking photos in my face and he yelled at me “GO ON, DO SOMETHING SHOCKING!” So I did the first thing that came into my head, grabbed Dougie’s shirt and kissed him. It meant nothing!
US : So Dougie, what was it like kissing Harry?
Dougie squirms in his seat.
DOUGIE : It was… you know… kinda like… you know?
US : No… care to elaborate?
TOM : *jumping in* The problem is, they were both too wasted to remember it!
DOUGIE AND HARRY : Yeah, that’s it!!
US : Oh come on, two gorgeous guys kissing! Surely one of you had to remember what it was like! Dougie, give us the goss! Is Harry a good kisser?
Dougie and Harry both look pretty mortified. They have both turned several shades of crimson.
DOUGIE : *Mutters something we can’t hear.*
US : What was that? We didn’t hear you! Say it again, a bit louder!
DOUGIE : He was good.
US : HA! And Harry, what do YOU remember? Come on, is Dougie a good kisser? He remembered you well enough!
HARRY : Look, I’d rather not talk about this…
US : Tough. Answer the question! You just have to say yes or no! Is Dougie a good kisser?
HARRY : Well, it’s hard to remember! Plus, we were both drunk as hell, and it was really wet and messy. Oh shit, I didn’t mean to say that!!
US : Dougie kisses wet and messy?!
HARRY : NO! He was a really good kisser, it’s just – *realises what he’s just said.* Oh fuck! I’m digging myself in a really big hole, aren’t I?!
DANNY : Just shut up!!!
US : No no, answer this one question and then we’ll leave the subject. Did you or did you not enjoy the kiss?
HARRY : If I say no I’ll upset Dougie!
US : So you’re sensitive of Dougie’s feelings?
HARRY : What?! No!!
US : So you don’t care about Dougie?
HARRY : What?! I never said that!!
US : Yes you did!
HARRY : No I didn’t!! I do care about Dougie!
US : AH-HA! Look, answer the question already! Did you or did you not enjoy kissing Dougie?!
HARRY : Fine!! I enjoyed it!! Happy now!?!?!
US : Very! Thank you Harry, you’ve made our day!
HARRY: Good! Now go and pester Tom! Him and Danny have probably got some things they’d like to share with everyone!!
DAY 17
Danny and Tom are ignoring me. As soon as the interview turned on them, things turned pretty nasty.
DAY 18
Dougie cornered me on the staircase in the house today.
“Did you really enjoy it?” he asked.
“Enjoy what?” I asked, completely lost.
“The kiss.”
“Oh god, that. Look, it was just something that happened, all right? And it’s not my fault you’re a good kisser!”
Dougie smiled. “You think I’m a good kisser?”
I rolled my eyes. “You KNOW you’re a good kisser!”
I turned around and got half way down the stairs when from behind me, Dougie said:
“You were my first, you know?”
I slowly turned around. “First what?”
He shrugged. “Kiss.”
My eyes widened and I took a step back…
…and fell down the rest of the staircase.
Dougie didn’t even help me up! He just stood there and shrugged again. “I just thought you’d like to know.”
And he disappeared into his room.
DAY 19
WHY?! Why would he think I would want to know that?!?!
DAY 20
Went to recording studio today to record new album. Dougie kicked up a fuss because we refused to let him have a solo song, or bass solo. Dougie pouted furiously.
Tom explained to Dougie that his voice sounds slightly whinny when he sings.
He shrugged. “So?”
“We don’t want people to think that we’ve pulled in a pre-pubescent child for a guest appearance on our new album!” Danny said.
“Well what the fuck about you, Mr. fucking-Enrique-Englasias-wannabe?!” he snapped at me.
“Me?! What did I say?!” I asked.
“You got to fucking sing Hero at the concert!” Dougie yelled.
“And for those who failed to notice, I was FLAT!!” I said, hating to bring up that wonderfully embarrassing moment.
“SO? At least you got to fucking sing!”
“You sung at Christmas!"
“That’s not the same you little shit and you know it!!”
Am slightly confused as to how it’s different. I mean, I sung one line for Hero (and was flat at the start of it, hence the reason why I try to get out of singing as much as possible) where as he sung whole verses for “Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town” and “Little Saint Nick”.
“Look, Dougie, we’ll let you sing the backing vocals for ALL the songs, if you like!” said Tom.
“Fuck off you miserable wanker!! That’s all I ever get to fucking do!!” Dougie yelled. “Why can’t I sing my favourite song like Harry did?”
“Dougie, what have we said about bringing that up in public!!” I said, turning red. I could feel it happening, my face was all hot.
To cut a long story short, Dougie said “fuck” about a million more times, and displayed some very creative uses of the word in the process.
He’s still not got a solo though. HA!!!
DAY 21
After a horrible day of useless interviews, went back to McFly house, ready to collapse on my bed at about midnight.
Quite scarily, when I turned on the light, James was sitting on my bed. Yelled in horror.
“What are you doing in here?!” I asked.
“Harry, we need to talk,” he said in a very scary way.
“About what?” I asked.
“About me and you,” he said. “About us.”
“What ‘us’?! There never was an ‘us’!”
“When you share someone’s bed, you create a special bond with that person,” said James.
“Go on, get out!” I said, pointing at the door. “Get out my room!”
He left without much fuss (read: MUCH) and eventually agreed to go IF ;
“Can I have a kiss? I just get so lonely.” (James said that, not me)
Am NOT putting what happened next.
On the plus side though, James has gone back to Matt.
DAY 22
Walked past Danny’s room last night to get a midnight snake snack, when suddenly I heard Danny give the most terrifying moan.
Was ready to ignore it, thinking he must have been having a bad dream, when he did it again. He really sounded as if he was in pain.
Hammered on his door “Danny?! You alright in there?!” and was about to open it.
“NO! Don’t come in!!” he yelled.
“You sure?” I asked.
“YES! Go away!!”
Was walking away when I heard him give the moan again. Ran back, opened door.
Saw Danny and Tom in the most absurd position I have ever seen.
NAKED!!!
We stared at about each other in some macabre version of "Musical Statues" and then I quickly closed the door, ran downstairs and locked self in kitchen.
DAY 23
Can’t look at Danny or Tom in the eye without going bright red and the same goes for them with me. Dougie wants to know what the hell has happened. He fears we’re splitting up.
We all laughed at this, until we saw James standing outside the window with his face pressed against the glass.
Then we all started screaming.
Things probably weren’t helped by the fact that there was a thunderstorm going on outside so James was being illuminated by random flashes of lightning.
And the fact that there had been a power cut in the house.
And the fact that we know James has a key to our house.
Fletch has had to put a restraining order on him.
DAY 24
Found severed horse head in my bed today.
Called Fletch.
Fletch called police.
Police came and pulled James out of the bushes in the back garden and locked him in a police cell.
DAY 25
Oh crap oh crapohcrapcrapcrapcrap I just kissed Dougie! AGAIN!
And we were both sober this time as well to make matters worse!!
And we were on a live kids TV show!!!
BUGGER!!!!! BUGGER!!!! BUGGER!!!!!!
To make matters worse, have discovered Dougie really is a fucking amazing kisser.
DAMN IT!!!
DAY 26
Fletch came storming into the house today with every single newspaper in England in his hand (well, not every single newspaper in England. Just all the types, like The Sun, The Telegraph etc.)
Was horrified to see that mine and Dougie’s kiss had made THE FRONT PAGE on ALL OF THEM.
With FULL COLOUR PICTURES.
Don’t these people have wars to talk about?! Or murders?!? Or some famous person dying?!?! Do they really have nothing better to put up than a story about two boy kissing??!! Danny and Tom SHAG all the time, but you don’t see that making the front page!
I don’t even know how it happened - One minute we were talking about the next album, the next, Dougie, who was standing behind me said something, I turned around to look at him, and then he’d swooped down and kissed me!
Was treated to a lecture from Fletch, about how if we WERE in a relationship, we had to keep it off day-time kids TV shows. Tried to point out that me and Dougie were not actually going out.
“I’m straight!” I protested.
Fletch looked at me and burst out laughing.
I wish people would stop doing that.
DAY 27
NOTHING HAPPENED TODAY. NOTHING AT ALL.
DAY 28
A hysterical woman phoned up the McFly house. Danny answered it.
“I’LL NEVER HAVE GRANDCHILDREN NOW!!! HOW COULD YOU BE SO SELFISH?!??” she screamed.
“Hello Mrs Judd,” Danny said politely, “Would you like to speak to Harry?”
“YOU GET THAT LITTLE GAY BASTARD ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!” she yelled.
“MUM,” I yelled from the other side of the room, “YOU’VE STILL GOT FOUR OTHER KIDS, TWO OF WHICH ARE MARRIED AND ACTUALLY ALREADY HAVE KIDS!!!!”
Mum was silent. Then she said something in a normal voice which I couldn’t hear.
“She wants you to know that she’s very happy for you,” said Danny, listening, “And that if you want to be gay, you can be gay.”
“But I’m not!!” I protested.
“He says he’s not,” Danny said down the phone. Then to me he said, “You mum says whatever you want to call it, multi-orientated or bisexual.”
“But I’m not any of them!! Tell her she’s being a daft old bag, and until she comes round and finally accepts that I’m not gay, I’m not talking to her!” I said.
“He says that he’s happy you’re so understanding, and he’ll call you later,” said Danny down the phone, before hanging up.
Wanted to throttle Danny, but alas, murder is still illegal in this country, no matter how much the person deserves it.
DAY 29
Oh god.
Fletch is officially (and unofficially for that matter) the biggest bastard in the history of mankind.
Remember that argument that me and Dougie had in the recording studio about how he never got to sing? Well, no one told us that we were being recorded and Fletch, being the hilariously funny person that he is, thought it would be nice if they put it as the first track on the album.
So now the whole world will think that Dougie has Tourettes or something, and that my favourite song is “Hero”.
I must have been a total wanker in my past life to get this kind of karma.
In other news, because today hasn’t been crap enough, James broke out of prison. V. worrying.
DAY 30
Diaries off for auction tomorrow. Am actually kinda sad to see this book go. It’s been fun to write it all down. Might keep a new one after all this. Am actually very interested to see what the others have put in theirs but Fletch says I can’t. Don’t see why. I mean, this time tomorrow, some grotty teenie bopper is going to be reading all of these, so why we can’t see what we’ve written about each other is beyond me.
Was in the bath last night when I heard something outside the window. Figuring that it was a cat, I ignored it and carried on soaking.
Next thing I know, James has climbed through the window while I'm starkers in the bath.
Screamed.
Danny, Dougie and Tom came running. Tom threw a towel over James' head and then slipped and fell in the bath. Danny ran over to try and help, tripped over Tom's flailing leg and fell in the bath. Dougie eventually stopped laughing and helped James to his feet. Dougie swore he was trying to take him to lock him in the airing cupboard but apparently James managed to overpower him and escaped. Meanwhile, I was stuck NAKED in the bath with Tom and Danny on top of me. Not exactly an experience I want to repeat any time in the near future.
Or ever, for that matter.
Was going downstairs to speak to Fletch about getting stronger locks when Dougie cornered me on the staircase again.
“Look, I know you’re bent out of shape from kissing me,” he said in low voice in my ear. I could tell he was smiling, god rot him. “But when you finally figure out what you want, I’ll be waiting.”
Why the hell does Dougie keep kissing me every time we see each other??! More importantly, why the hell do I keep kissing him back?!
My God, is everyone in this band gay but me?!