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There were few things in the world which annoyed Tony quite as much as being talked to like he was a child. Which, despite being the billionaire genius philanthropist he was, a lot of people felt the need to do. It wasn’t so bad whenever Pep did it, he’d basically hired her for that job and then it had become a habit they were both comfortable with. Happy tried to occasionally but Tony could never take it seriously from him. Rhodes had bestie rights to chew him out from time to time, so that was fine. Anyone else he took issue with, no matter what sort of authority they thought they had over him.
It was a little difficult not to glare at Director Fury, who not only felt just fine in talking down to him, but had gone the extra mile in calling Tony into his office like he was a misbehaving student in high school and Fury was the disapproving Principle. For his part, Fury seemed to have absolutely no problem with glaring, his brows drawn down low and his one good eye glinting with displeasure.
Loki was the only one in the room who wasn’t outwardly irritable. He was standing beside Tony, smiling at Fury with the kind of smile that seemed tailor-made to set the Director off even more. Knowing Loki, that was probably why he was smiling the way he was, and it was working beautifully. It was almost enough to make Tony start smirking as well, but he was still too annoyed.
“I don’t think I need to tell either one of you why I called you in,” Fury eventually growled.
Tony glanced at Loki out of the corner of his eye. No, he didn’t think there could be much ambiguity in why Fury would have called the two of them in specifically. It might, conceivably, have been for a mission the two of them were best suited to tackle together, but given the man’s agitation that wasn’t very likely.
Loki, smirk still in place and eyes shining with delight, tilted his head at Fury. “I’m sure we could hazard a guess, but as you seem to have prepared yourself for a lecture, why don’t you tell us?”
Fury’s scowl deepened, and Tony did have to fight back the urge to snicker. He had never managed to really get under Fury’s skin – at least not without resorting to exposing his naughty spy secrets – but Loki did it fairly regularly. It was cathartic as hell to watch.
“Fine, then,” Fury bit out, and turned away from the pair of them, looking out the large windows, hands clasped behind his back. “You are here because apparently you can’t help but act like hormonal teenagers. Normally I wouldn’t care, per se, so long as it’s not distracting you from missions, but you’ve become brazen enough to distract others from their missions, and I’ve gotten complaints.” He turned slightly, eye glinting at them. “Lucky you, I’m your HR department.”
Tony rolled his eyes. Likewise, Loki didn’t seem at all impressed.
“If it is others who are so distracted by what we choose to do with our time, then it would seem to be a… ‘them problem.’”
For a second, Tony could swear he heard Fury’s veins rupturing. He was a little proud, and made a mental note to teach Loki more colloquialisms if that was the sort of effect they had when he dropped them in conversation with Fury.
He turned back around, leaning on his desk to give himself more of an effect. “Listen, I have enough on my plate without having to also corral you two like a pair of kids who don’t know any better. Even if that is your general mentality, I still expect some sort of self-control. So if the two of you could please find better times and places to… express yourselves, then we don’t ever need to have this conversation again. And I won’t have to run quite so much interference with the media.”
“I’m not sure why you’re bothering with that,” Tony piped up, doing his best to match Loki’s flippant tone. “Seems to me that this sort of publicity would be garnering our little group all sorts of positive feedback – or at least some distraction from our less savory effects.”
He did hear a small, appreciative snort come from Loki’s direction. Fury’s eyebrow twitched, and he drew a breath, doubtlessly preparing the next portion of his tirade, but an insistent tone from his phone stopped him. Impatiently he hit the receive button and barked out a “Yes?” to whichever poor functionary was on the other end.
“Sorry, Director,” a male voice came through, “but we’ve got a bit of an incident we think you should come and deal with.”
“Me, specifically?”
“Yes, sir. It’s taking place in the warehouses.”
The reference to warehouses didn’t mean much to Tony, but it got Fury’s attention, and with a muttered curse he straightened up. He locked another glare on the two of them. “We are not done with this conversation, so don’t think you’re off the hook.”
And with that he sped out the office door, leaving the two of them standing.
Tony blinked after Fury, a little nonplussed. It wasn’t often that Fury would actually leave in the middle of a conversation, and especially not one where he was taking the time to chew out his ‘subordinates.’ Although Tony would, on any reinitiation of this ‘conversation,’ go out of his way to point out that he wasn’t a subordinate or even a contractor for Fury. He was a consultant, and therefore not under Fury’s direct command for anything. It might have been a petty point to keep harping on, but damned if he wasn’t going to use it to his advantage every time the opportunity presented itself.
“Well, this is a colossal waste of time,” Tony groused. “Ordered all the way down here to the super-secret spy lair just to be talked down to.”
Loki chuckled, a richer sound without the cynical edge his humor tended to have when dealing with people like Fury. “I’m not sure how ‘wasted’ I would consider this little excursion. It’s at least somewhat amusing to watch the dear Director stew in his own discomfort as he tries to look us in the eye and tell us not to fraternize.”
“… should I be intrigued or concerned that you consider what we do only up to the level of ‘fraternize?’”
Loki ignored the question, which only served to heighten Tony’s wondering. Which was probably the point.
“I think we could also think of this as an opportunity to further annoy the Director. It would be a shame to waste the afternoon in truth by not seizing on the privacy we have in his office.”
Tony cast the mage a sideways glance. “If you’re thinking about rifling through his files, or maybe setting up a booby trap, first know that morally I absolutely support you. But also the place has probably got more surveillance than the average Super Bowl.”
If anything, Loki’s expression turned even more artful than before. Casting a long, slow look around the room, as though seeing every camera and microphone the room had to offer, his smirk became downright predatory. By the time his gaze landed on Tony, there was a definite edge to his look which made Tony’s heart give a lurch.
“Since we are no longer the captive audience, what say you to becoming a captive cast?”
“A what now?”
“A captive cast,” Loki repeated. Before Tony could reply, he took hold of Tony tie and gave it a tug, his eyes lowering to Tony’s mouth, his own lips parting to reveal sharp teeth. Tony knew from experience just how sharp they were, and with Loki tugging him closer, one hand already slipping round his waist, it was getting a little difficult to think of much else. “With so much equipment dedicated to observing his guests, how disappointing would it be if there were nothing of interest for him to watch when he returned?”
Tony’s heart gave another lurch, both at the feel of Loki’s hands on him and at the suggestion he was positing. “Are you…” His voice caught. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Are you suggesting that we give Fury a show?”
Loki’s mouth was right beside his ear, breath trailing over skin when he spoke. “I’m suggesting that we make it so the good Director doesn’t forget this little episode, and that next time he more carefully weighs the wisdom of disturbing us.”
Discretion had never been one of Tony’s strong points.
From what Tony could gather later, Fury threw out his desk not long after getting back.