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There’s a problem.
An issue that’s hard to get resolved, and Sooyoung knows. Whenever Jiwoo smiles, giggles, acts all cute towards her, her own heart beats faster than normal.
And it’s scary.
It’s a scary thought to feel that way, so she hides it far behind her head, in the deepest part of her mind, it stays. Remains hidden, like a secret. That’s how she continues living her life, with a pressure on her chest and gnawing thoughts.
Soon, someone has to notice. How she’s been feeling down, how she doesn’t smile as much anymore, and sadly, that person is Jiwoo. Sadly, because it brings back every single thought she’s been trying so hard to ignore to the front of her head.
“Unnie! What’s wrong?” She asks. Her curls are pretty, and her nose shines a scarlet red. Sooyoung regrets every decision she’s ever made in her life.
Because calling a girl pretty is wrong. She’s aware.
“Nothing,” she replies, and ignores her insides starting to burn, “why do you ask?”
“You’ve been feeling down,” Jiwoo pouts, “or at least it seems like. Cheer up!”
So Jiwoo smiles, again, with her crinkly eyes and white teeth. Sooyoung avoids looking, instead staring at her hands placed neatly on her lap. It’s so hard to ignore, how the thought wraps around her. But imagining it simply gives her chills, so it must be wrong .
“I’ll try,” she attempts to smile, “don’t worry.”
They continue with their schedule, and Jiwoo makes sure to cheer everyone up being her usual self. Sooyoung looks down and wonders when it started.
-
It started, maybe, that time they both cuddled in bed because Jiwoo was cold.
“I’ts soo cold,” she had complained, “but you’re my human heater!”
Sooyoung remembers her stomach churning, as Jiwoo placed her head on Sooyoung’s chest and closed her eyes, her lips curving. She looked peaceful, at ease, and there was no way Sooyoung was going to disturb her. So she dealt with it, endured it for a few minutes until she also fell asleep.
Waking up was a life-changing point. Staring at Jiwoo’s messy hair and droopy eyes. What had dropped was Sooyoung’s stomach, and she couldn’t understand the uneasiness she was going through.
Now it’s worse, now she recognizes the feeling.
Sooyoung recognizes it as a problem that needs to be resolved as soon as possible, and disregarding it is her best choice.
There’s really no point in trying, to think, to go through it, to dismantle it. Sooyoung is not ready to assimilate what her feelings are turning into, so she avoids it. Avoids it until it begins manifesting physically, mentally.
Until Sooyoung is so tired she can even do her tasks properly. It’s a problem.
-
“You feeling okay?” Jungeun asks. They are practicing and, of course, Sooyoung can’t focus.
“Yeah, yeah,” she answers, “just a little tired.”
“You can’t take a break.”
She can’t. It follows her.
“Don’t worry,” she says.
Jiwoo stares, gazes up at her and pouts, probably feeling pity. They shouldn’t, because it’s her fault, because they are her thoughts, because Jiwoo shouldn’t take up so much space inside her mind.
They continue dancing, Sooyoung giving her best, until she spots Jiwoo in the mirror and trips.
“Okay,” Jungeun concludes, “you need to rest.”
Inside her room, she cries. Her eyes water and Sooyoung can’t avoid it anymore, can’t stop Jiwoo from walking into her room and hugging her, caressing her back. She can’t help but stare, and think about her beautiful eyes and cute smile.
And it’s so wrong it hurts.
-
Sooyoung blames herself.
Since it starts affecting her real life, she tries her best to give everything possible so it doesn’t happen.
She hides inside her room and practices alone until her muscles hurt and it’s difficult to breathe, to inhale fresh air. There’s no fresh air anymore, since her lungs fill with guilt every time she takes a breath. For a moment, she manages to forget it.
Sooyoung forgets and remains alone as they all worry about her well-being.
There’s a knock at her door. It’s Hyejoo, the most unpredictable person to be standing in front of her. Her figure is not menacing, at all, but her aura is. And Sooyoung is sort of thankful, in some way.
“I heard you weren’t feeling okay,” it’s what she says. The all commented on that, making Sooyoung even more tired.
“I’m okay, just a bit tired.”
“I understand, I’ve been there,” now Sooyoung is curious. What Hyejoo has been through, has suffered without any of them noticing.
“It’s too much,” Sooyoung says. Hyejoo nods. They are talking about different things, but understand each other.
“I know, but you gotta relax, let your mind focus on something else,” she explains. It clicks, inside her brain.
“How do I do that? It’s all I think about.”
“Focus on yourself.”
Sooyoung is aware of the difference of matters, that Hyejoo is talking about the pressure of being an idol and Sooyoung’s problem is Jiwoo.
“It works?”
“It does, during practice, just look at yourself and dance because you like it,” she says, “do it for yourself.”
She smiles, for the first time in weeks, and thanks Hyejoo for her advice.
“And, unnie , don’t be afraid to talk.”
Sooyoung is afraid of many things, talking was never one of them, but now, all she can do is remain quiet. Focus on herself, as Hyejoo suggested.
It’s not as much as an issue as she had thought.
-
Sooyoung manages to avoid thinking about it for a while. Maybe two weeks straight, simply placing the focus on herself, on her own needs and Heejin talking about her last trip to Paris for a photoshoot. It’s interesting, and they all distract her enough for Sooyoung to feel at ease.
It doesn’t last much more. It wraps around her brain, like a seed has been planted, and now that it grows, it’s impossible to ignore.
Jiwoo appears again in her life. With a giggle and a grin, and Sooyoung is tempted.
She’s tempted, to break the rules, to look at her with a different gaze, to allow thoughts she pushes hard in the back of her mind. But it won’t happen, she knows it’s wrong, to like a girl, to find her attractive, cute. Of course she can, jokingly, in an interview, choosing the most pretty of them, the face of the group. Yet, as they are alone, sitting on Sooyoung’s bed, those thoughts are not okay.
It’s not okay.
“Your hair looks nice,” she says, touches it, making Sooyoung shivers. He convinces herself it’s only because of the contact.
“Thank you.”
“You know what would look great on you?” Jiwoo suggests, “short hair."
Sooyoung can’t see it. Can’t see herself, wants Jiwoo to stop talking and leave her alone .
“No way,” she says, “it’d look weird .”
“What? No! You would look so pretty.”
Jiwoo is so daring, so brave. To call Sooyoung that, to compliment her. And there is Sooyoung who’s afraid of her, of her own thoughts and urges. It’s wrong, it’s wrong , she repeats to herself. It’s convincing herself or going back to being miserable.
“Pretty?”
“Yes!”
Sooyoung sighs.
-
What is weird is watching Jiwoo without her usual bangs.
She just woke up, seemingly, and walks into the kitchen with a sleepy expression on her face. Of course, Sooyoung ignores the way her stomach churns, and continues eating so it doesn’t make more noises, doesn’t bother her anymore.
(It doesn’t leave. It’s a weight inside of her).
“Woah,” Jinsol comments, “where are your bangs?”
“I slept with wet hair, it’s a mess, don’t look at me!”
Sooyoung would say she looks adorable, cute. Then shakes her head and looks down at the food on the table, as if it would help in any way, as if that simple action could stop the chain of thoughts that follow after that simple observation.
“You look cute.”
God, she doesn’t understand. How they all dare to show affection in ways girls shouldn’t to each other. It’s wrong. It’s not normal, at all. And Sooyoung refuses to fall for that.
“You look ridiculous,” it’s what she says.
Jiwoo frowns and then pouts. “Stop being mean.”
It’s all she can do for now, push Jiwoo away with mean comments, with dismissive words. Hurtful and cold, Sooyoung decides it’s the correct way to forget the Jiwoo living inside her.
-
“What are you doing here?” she asks as soon as Jiwoo opens the door.
“Looking for cuddles from my favorite cuddler,” it makes her heart shrink.
“I have a cold.”
It’s a lie. Something Sooyoung learns pretty soon is to lie, to find a way around certain situations with words that aren’t true, and it applies to Jiwoo too.
“I don’t mind,” she smiles, approaching her bed.
“But I do!” She snaps. Jiwoo frowns. “I don’t want to get anyone sick during promotions.”
“But—”
“Seriously, I’m tired,” she lays down and looks away. So Jiwoo’s expression is a mystery.
“Okay, then,” Jiwoo replies, “I’ll leave.”
The sound of the door closing breaks her heart.
-
The second time (or third, or fourth, Sooyoung doesn’t know) it happens, she regrets it after.
It’s not like Sooyoung doesn’t regret it every single time, but know it feels as if she overstepped a line.
She’s practicing in her room, as usual, because alone, with her own mirror, she can focus on herself without any distraction. Hyejoo’s words are still bouncing around her mind, so she does as she was told, and practices hard until her moves are more than perfect. That’s the moment Jiwoo decides to enter her room once again.
“Unnie—”
“What? I’m busy,” she replies, a cold tone.
“I was gonna ask if you wanted to watch a movie with the rest and—”
Her words slowly lose excitement, that’s the moment Sooyoung realizes she fucked up.
“Can’t you see I’m busy?”
“Sorry!”
But she seems unable to stop, it infuriates her, that Jiwoo still looks as pretty as always with her pajamas and dark circles under her eyes.
“You’re always interrupting me,” she accuses her, “can you just stop?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know I was a bother,” Jiwoo replies, voice small.
“Don’t apologize, just—leave me alone, please.”
Jiwoo does. Closes the door and leaves a red-faced Sooyoung panting and staring at herself in the mirror. She regrets it, so bad, it fills her with guilt, more than her usual thoughts, more than everything.
But it keeps her away. Sooyoung cries at night.
-
She misses her, so much.
Sooyoung misses her trademark sunshine smile and request for cuddles, her curly hair and messy bangs. Her sleepy face and pouts. She ignores the overwhelming guilt and allows herself to miss her for a moment.
“Does anybody know why Jiwoo has been looking kinda down lately?” Vivi asks, worried look on her face. There’s Jinsol and Yeojin searching for something in the fridge.
“I have no idea,” Yeojin says, “she doesn’t wanna sing Girl’s Generation ’s songs with me anymore.”
“I haven’t noticed, really,” Jinsol adds, “but you’re right.”
Sooyoung hears it all before entering the kitchen. She smiles at them, fakely, and walks towards the coffee machine.
“Do you know?” This time the question is directed at her. She turns around and frowns.
“What?”
“Why Jiwoo’s been so down lately,” Vivi repeats.
“Oh,” Sooyoung pretends to be surprised, “I have no idea.”
“You could ask her,” Yeojin suggests, “you two are close.”
“I—yeah, I could.”
Sooyoung trembles. She hates being the culprit but also the only way to fix it. Because she was the one who broke Jiwoo’s sweet heart.
“Thanks!”
-
She doesn’t talk to her.
Sooyoung doesn’t dare to, because she’s a coward and it’d mean admitting her mistakes, giving an explanation as to why she’s been so snappy lately, why she behaved the way she did.
Yet it consumes her again. So she finds herself at Jiwoo’s door, scared, afraid to knock.
Jiwoo opens the door before Sooyoung can do anything. She drops her clothes and towel, and gulps, eyes watering. God, Sooyoung had no idea she could be so mean, hurt someone so bad that looking at her is wounding enough.
“Oh,” she starts, “sorry.”
Sooyoung moves away and before she can say anything else Jiwoo walks away, towards the bathroom, ignoring her completely. It makes her heart drop to the deepest part of her stomach. Now she’s giving her the cold shoulder.
(And Sooyoung is so deserving it of it, she deserves every punishment possible for her horrible words and behaviour).
Staring at her door, Sooyoung allows the plant inside her head to grow.
-
Once it’s completely wrapped around her, all Sooyoung can think about is Jiwoo.
More than missing her, there are memories that come back and make her smile. Like the time they were filming for a music video and she kept messing with the scenery, the library they were in, and the books.
She had grabbed a book and started reading. “I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight,” she began, “But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you.”
Sooyoung remembers telling her to stop while chuckling.
“Not because they were perfect, or because you were,” Jiwoo continued, “but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.”
Her heart started beating faster, she recalls, and Jiwoo only laughed and closed the book, returning it to its place. Love has always been something difficult for Sooyoung, and she doesn’t believe in soul mates either. Yet Jiwoo appears in her mind and she wonders if they were meant to be, in some way.
If Jiwoo is a part of her that was separated and now it hurts .
She sleeps alone, cold, with the ghost of a body beside her, curls and smiles. It’s so hard to ignore Sooyoung simply gives up.
It’s time to admit it, perhaps.
-
Jiwoo continues ignoring her.
And now she knows what it feels, to have her feelings crushed, to be devastated, to feel like utter trash and not know what to do. The rest all notice their weird behaviour and assume they had a simple quarrel.
“You two fought? That was it?”
Vivi waits for an answer with narrowed eyes.
“Yeah, kind of, uhm,” Sooyoung says.
Hyejoo looks at her from the couch. It brings her some kind of comfort.
Then, in that moment, Jiwoo walks into the living room and completely disregards Sooyoung’s presence, sitting on the couch opposite to Hyejoo and starts playing with her phone. They all look at them with a puzzled expression, but Hyejoo stands up and pats her back, retrieving to her room. Vivi does the same, yet more gentle.
“Will you continue ignoring me?”
“You told me to leave you alone,” Jiwoo reminds her. She’s right.
“I didn’t mean it,” she says, “I was pretty tired. I wasn’t thinking straight—”
“I have feelings too, y’know,” she interrupts, “and you made me feel awful.”
“I’m really sorry.”
Jiwoo looks at her then. And Sooyoung swears she sees stars in her eyes, entire galaxies, the way they glint make her stomach burst into fire. And it’s not wrong, maybe. Perhaps the thought of Jiwoo being pretty isn’t a bad thing.
Perhaps, Sooyoung falls for the galaxies Jiwoo holds.
-
They barely talk, now.
It’s progress, still, although Sooyoung is more nervous now that her brain isn’t gnawing at her as bad as before, she doesn’t think about the consequences, and focuses on the present whether it’s wrong or right.
It’s wrong. It’s right. She doesn’t know anymore.
Jiwoo walks past her in the hall and Sooyoung stops her.
“Are we—good?”
That smile, with crinkly eyes and a wide mouth comes back. “Of course.”
Sooyoung sighs in relief, and relishes in the single interaction for the rest of the day.
At night, she can help but smile to herself. Proud. The thought of Jiwoo, a pretty girl, isn’t as haunting as before. And when the fleeting thought of kissing her crosses her mind, she opens her eyes wide but doesn’t panic. Instead, Sooyoung blushes like a teenager and her eyelids fall closed.
It’s hard to sleep, with Jiwoo taking over. But at some point, when she dozes off, the last thought she has is about Jiwoo’s lips.
-
Sooyoung tries hard to approach her now, after pushing her away so many times.
She’s the one chasing after her, offering to watch movies all together, and then finally, tells her to come to her room and cuddle . That’s the moment she knows.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” Sooyoung says, “I missed it.”
“I’m surprised,” yet she sits on the bed and looks at Sooyoung with glowing cheeks and gleaming eyes. “I missed it too.”
They find the right position, with Jiwoo laying her head on Sooyoung’s stretched arm, her head close to Sooyoung’s. She feels weird, smelling Jiwoo’s hair, but apple-scented shampoo fills her and she feels at ease.
It’s been a while.
“I have a question,” Jiwoo says.
“What is it?”
“Have you ever been in love?”
Sooyoung’s stomach drops. She blinks, looks at the ceiling, and then at Jiwoo’s red face.
“I… think I have been,” she answers. Sooyoung doesn’t know . “I think.”
“I am.”
“You are?”
It’s present tense. And Sooyoung panics because Jiwoo is a pretty girl, a beautiful girl, a wonderful and cheery person, and someone else is able to enjoy it. Not herself.
“I am.”
Sooyoung is too.
-
Cuddles become a constant.
They were before, but now it’s more usual, it’s almost like a routine. Jiwoo doesn’t have to say a word, she knocks at her door and finds her place on her bed as if it’s hers. As if she belongs there. Sooyoung is starting to think she does.
Then the contact begins. Sooyoung can’t help herself, though she finds it weird at times, she brushes Jiwoo’s hair as they silently lay in bed and rest their tired bodies. It’s soothing, she knows, because Jiwoo closes her eyes and sometimes falls asleep.
Sooyoung doesn’t know what to feel.
She watches, observes, and can’t help but feel overwhelmed by the amount of feelings that fill her as Jiwoo’s falls asleep and her expression softens. The urge to kiss her cheek, to caress her, it floods her, and the only thing stopping her is her mind reminding her of how strange and out of place it’d be.
“I can feel you staring,” Jiwoo suddenly says. Sooyoung’s heart almost bursts out her chest.
“God, you scared me.”
She giggles. “Sorry.”
It goes downhill in a single second. “I have something to tell you.”
Jiwoo sits up as well as Sooyoung, shifting so she’s facing her. Her intense gaze intimidates Sooyoung a little, but she manages to hold the eye contact until Jiwoo utters those words.
“I like you.”
Sooyoung freezes.
“More than a friend,” she continues, “I know it might sound weird! But I’m serious, I’ve liked you for a long time now.”
There are no words. She simply can think of anything to say, because her brain doesn’t fully process the confession, and so her conscious mind decides to act.
“I—,” it’s how she starts. How Sooyoung fucks up. “Don’t like you that way, Jiwoo.”
“It’s okay!” She attempts to smile, but Sooyoung can see her gulping, holding back tears. “I’ll leave then, so you’re not uncomfortable.”
“Okay.”
Sooyoung has never regretted anything so much in her entire life.
-
A confession is hard to make.
Sooyoung doesn’t know, exactly, but she wouldn’t know how to do it. Maybe because she’s a coward, not brave enough, so she can’t imagine what it’s like to go through it. And Jiwoo, with her innocent eyes and bright persona, still did it. Confronted what she was feeling, and spilled it to Sooyoung.
Who is a coward.
She never meant to turn her down, never meant to hurt her, never meant to fall in love .
And now they are back to square one. With Jiwoo ignoring Sooyoung because she’s afraid of making her uncomfortable, apparently, and Sooyoung is after her because she misses her. It’s a push and pull. She knows it’ll snap sooner or later.
Finally, she manages to be alone with Jiwoo. Sooyoung finds her in the kitchen and there’s no one else there, late at night. So she talks.
“Hey,” she says, “I—think we need to talk.”
Jiwoo turns around with wide eyes. “Oh, no need.”
“Seriously—”
“I’m embarrassed enough, unnie, it’s okay,” she says, “we can drop the matter.”
God, she shouldn’t be ashamed at all, she should be proud of being so fearless. Confessing right in front of her, after cuddling, after all they’ve done together. It takes courage, and Sooyoung doesn’t understand how Jiwoo doesn’t see that.
“Don’t be embarrassed, Jiwoo, seriously, I’m—proud of you, I mean, you just, uhm, went straight to it and I could never do that.”
“And then got turned down,” she counters, “but don’t worry! I’m okay!”
It’s so hard to express herself when the moonlight hits Jiwoo’s face perfectly.
“I’m sorry about that—”
“Don’t be.”
Then she leaves. With Sooyoung’s heart in her hand, Sooyoung’s words hanging by her tongue. It’s a missed opportunity. Yet Sooyoung doesn’t know if she’ll ever be brave enough.
(She realizes, later, that Jiwoo told her she was in love. It breaks her heart.)
-
Bravery is a difficult thing to learn.
Sooyoung practices in the mirror as if she’s twelve years old, and feels ashamed later as she thinks of others overhearing. It’s not as if she’d mind, that they could know. Coming to terms with herself was enough of a battle to worry about the rest, so Sooyoung sits on her bed and mumbles over and over again how to confess .
There’s a knock at her door.
It’s Hyejoo. She looks soft, this time, and she gently closes the door, approaching the bed after. For a moment, none of them speak, Sooyoung looks at her hands and Hyejoo stares at her with her lips pressed into a line.
“I heard you,” she says. Sooyoung sighs.
“I’m ridiculous, I know,” it’s what she replies. Her cheeks burn.
“You’re not,” Hyejoo reassures, “it’s actually a good speech.”
“Shut up, please.”
“Unnie,” she begins, “remember what I told you weeks ago?”
“Yeah.”
“Then you’re good to go,” she says, “focus on yourself. Don’t let your mind control you.”
“You’re right, I know, but—”
“I know it’s different, I know my advice doesn’t really apply at all,” Hyejoo interrupts, “but I mean it when I say sometimes our minds play us.”
Sooyoung sighs. “It’s been so hard.”
“Then go ahead, take that pressure off your shoulders,” she advises her. For being so young, she’s actually pretty smart, and Sooyoung feels as if she just had an epiphany.
“Thank you.”
“No need.”
They both smile.
-
Finding a moment alone with Jiwoo is harder than she thought.
She’s always with someone, watching movies with Yeojin or talking to Yerim about something. Then if she’s alone, Sooyoung is too scared to knock at her door and bother her, afraid of having another confrontation similar to the other night. So she finds herself at a dead end.
It seems to come to her, that moment.
“Oh,” Jiwoo says, bumping into her in the hallway, “sorry.”
Sooyoung doesn’t say any words, simply grabs her arm and drags her to her room. Jiwoo doesn’t complain, only seems slightly surprised.
Once inside, she pants and opens her mouth to let her whole speech out. It doesn’t come. So Jiwoo frowns.
“What’s wrong?”
She looks pretty. She’s pretty. She’s a pretty girl. And Sooyoung is not afraid of it anymore, so she does the unthinkable, grabs her jaw and presses a brief kiss to her lips, not holding back. Sooyoung pulls back and knows her cheeks burn. At least she’s not the only one, as Jiwoo’s glow a bright red.
“Oh.”
“I’m sorry,” now she begins, “about all of this. I like you, and I was afraid of it. I thought it was wrong to—it’s hard to explain.”
“I-I get it,” she’s still flustered, and stutters. For the first time, Jiwoo doesn’t make eye contact first.
Sooyoung lifts her head. “I like you, Jiwoo.”
“You might kill me right now,” she utters.
Then they both lean in at the same time and share a short, sweet kiss. It makes Sooyoung’s insides burn, like a wildfire, taking over her entire body. For the first time, she caresses Jiwoo’s cheek while smiling and then hugs her tightly, afraid of losing what she worked so hard for again. It’s been a journey. From the start, to right this moment, Sooyoung never thought she would find herself in this position. Ever.
It’s refreshing, and satisfactory, to finally say it, to finally show it, to not be scared anymore. Sooyoung’s mind is free, in a way, of any inhibitions it had. The seed that had been planted, the plant that had grown, they are gone, and now flowers blossom inside her.
“I hope I don’t.”
“Don’t worry,” she says, “I’ll be here for a long time.”
-
So the rest find out rather one by one.
First, Hyejoo walks into her room without knocking, as she’s used to, and finds them kissing in bed, making Jiwoo jump and fall to the floor. Sooyoung wants to giggle, but shouts at her to get out and Hyejoo is the one to smirk.
“Glad my advice worked.”
Then, Vivi walks into the kitchen as Sooyoung is feeding Jiwoo strawberries, looking at her with stars in her eyes. She then cleans her bottom lip with her thumb and Jiwoo giggles. Vivi simply stares.
“Wow,” she finally talks, “I’m glad you made up.”
Jiwoo almost chokes.
Heejin and Yerim make the mistake of finding them cuddled up on the couch, noses touching, as they stare deeply into each other’s eyes and nearly kiss if it wasn’t for Yerim clearing her throat.
“What are you doing?” Heejin asks, not judging at all, but narrowing her eyes with a slight smirk on her face.
“Uh,” Sooyoung dares to talk, “nothing at all.”
“That’s suspicious,” Yerim says, “I thought I saw you two kiss .”
“Stop!” Jiwoo hides in Sooyoung’s neck and she can feel her smile. Sooyoung smiles too.
“You need glasses.”
Yerim now laughs and sits on the couch along Heejin.
“No kissing!” She warns.
“Of course,” Sooyoung assures, bright red, and Jiwoo sits properly, although Sooyoung’s arm remains around her waist.
It’s a journey. Sooyoung now can admit her mistakes, can see how blind she was, can note what stopped her from doing what she wanted so bad. It’s not wrong, she has learned. It’s not bad, it’s not a problem nor an issue. Because liking Jiwoo is one of the most wonderful things that has happened to her, and now, holding her in her arms, she believes maybe they were meant to be together.
“Do you believe in soul mates?” Jiwoo asks, lying by her side, holding her hand.
“I don’t know,” Sooyoung replies, “I’m not sure yet.”
“I don’t. But I’m sure some people are meant to be together.”
“Are you trying to be romantic?” She jokes.
“Stop!” She hits her shoulder, “I mean, like a puzzle, that has a missing piece.”
It’s so sweet, Sooyoung almost melts, almost turns around and peppers her face with kisses.
“That’s—a good metaphor. Maybe we were meant to be.”
She dares to say it.
“Maybe.”
-
Sooyoung looks back at the time thinking of Jiwoo used to hurt her.
The thought of her smile, of her face, her curls, it all haunted her like a ghost hidden behind her head. She affirmed it was a mistake, a problem, an issue. She looks back and it’s so far away from what she is now, she almost doesn’t recognize herself.
Hyejoo, though, teaches her about owning up to her mistakes. To focus on herself, she said, and once Sooyoung does, she knows that was her too.
The Sooyoung who hated herself, who hid a part of herself, who was afraid of her own thoughts—a Soonyoung that was scared of living, of being free. That’s her, too. It becomes a part of her story, of her path. She doesn’t want to erase it, she wants to keep it. Sooyoung wants it to look back and think: I’ve come this far.
“Unnie!” Jiwoo walks into her room, cheery as always.
“Yeah, baby?”
“Oh,” she blushes, “I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come watch movies with us.”
“Of course,” Sooyoung gets up, but Jiwoo stops her and they both sit down.
“You look weird.”
She’s not really up to share her entire train of thoughts to Jiwoo right now, as the others are probably waiting, so she presses a kiss to her forehead and shakes her head.
“It’s nothing.”
Jiwoo narrows her eyes.
“Promise?”
The way Jiwoo pouts is irresistable.
“I was just thinking about how far I’ve come,” she confesses, “about the past.”
“In a good way?”
“Yeah.”
“Then I’m glad, unnie, I just want you to be happy,” she says. It fills Sooyoung with happiness.
“I am.”
Yeojin comes running to her room and knocks at the open door, panting. “C’mon!”
“We are going!”
Sooyoung doesn’t care about it anymore. Every moment is a treasure, now, there are no ruined moments or memories, they are all special. And as they walk to the living room and sit down with the rest, Sooyoung is thankful to have such wonderful friends, to have a girlfriend, to be happy. To have found what truly life is, to be herself, to focus on herself.
She doesn’t have problems, nor issues. Sooyoung stares at the TV, at the movie that is playing, and can’t focus on anything but Jiwoo’s apple-scented shampoo and Hyejoo not being able to read the subtitles, Yeojin hugging her pillow and slowly falling asleep while Heejin pays close attention to it.
Jiwoo looks up at her.
Sooyoung is happy.