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Gentle droplets of water began dropping upon his head, and then the ground, and then in puddles. They were softly making small dark spots on the concrete.
It filled him with a sudden form of sadness, or melancholy would be the right word he supposed.
Rain always made him feel this way.
It reminded him of the darkest of moments. In which salty, unwanted tears that stung him in the most fragile parts of him. And it brung back bad memories. Memories he wished he could just block out of his head.
He clasped the hand next to him shakily, trying to calm himself down a little. The man beside him asked no questions. He simply just interlocked their fingers with a small smile among his face.
Naegi wanted to smile too.
He really did.
But what seemed like blisteringly hot tears threatened to spill out of his eyes like an ocean flooding the coast. And just became more and more powerful overtime. He wished it was low tide instead.
He took in a small breath and nervously looked over at the arm next to his compared to his own.
"Fat."
That was the thought that went through his brain immediately. He had been hardwired into this mindset since childhood. Unwanted memories came flooding back to him.
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"Fat." Said one boy.
"You're unworthy of love." Mocked another.
"Fugly."
"Lonely bitch! Your sister is your only friend, huh?" A girl he barely knew said as one he was more familiar with laughed.
"No one likes you." The first boy stated with a harsh cold glare.
"Awww look he's crying, the little wimp!" The girl he was semi-acquainted with name called.
"Sissy!" "Faggot!" "Fat bitch."
"C'mon, leave him alone!" It was his sister. He didn't dare look up at her, he felt ashamed. Though he was grateful that she did try to help him.
"You need your little sister to come to your rescue? Pathetic."
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"Hey. Hey. You alright?"
He was shaken back to reality, he looked up at the other.
Worry was glazed over his eyes, and his brows were curved and pinched. He suddenly felt the burning that he'd known all too well. The look in his lover's eyes only for it to get painstakingly worse.
"Seriously, Naegi-kun.. are you okay?"
He took a second to take in a breath, assessing the situation.
"C-.." His lover stared intently at him.
"Can we go to your house..? I d-don't want to talk about it h-here or at mine.." The other nodded his head as he wiped his tears soothingly. Naegi gave him a sad smile as thanks. Naegi and him walked back to his house, the rain coming down harder and harder as his melancholy grew.
Once they reached his room, Naegi pulled at his own sleeves, hugging himself a little too tight. His boyfriend hesitantly wrapped his arms around him, he still was new to the whole giving others physical touch thing. Naegi placed his head on him, allowing himself to bawl.
They stood there for a bit, his boyfriend rubbing his back to console him.
"Ko-... Koma- Komaeda-kun…" his words barely made out of his mouth.
"Yes? What is it, Naegi-kun?" Komaeda whispered as he carefully brought him to the bed so they could sit down.
Naegi kept clung onto him the entire way, his weeping only getting worse the more he was comforted. He breathed heavily, coughed, hiccupped, wheezed, etc.
Komaeda tried his best to help in any way possible, he drew circles on Naegi's back. The sensation gave him a tingle and a shiver down his spine. He wrapped his arms around the other, catching Komaeda slightly by surprise, he quickly came back from it though. For the most part they sat there in silence, with only the rain and sniffles every so often.
"You.." Komaeda spoke hesitantly.
"You can talk about it, if you'd like, Naegi-kun."
Naegi thought about it. He slowly nodded, he hoped it would possibly help himself get over the endless cycle of low self esteem. His breath hitched as he let go of his lover, he didn't want to leave those arms and warmth ever.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, seven in, hold five, out seven.
Once he was done his eyes fluttered open, the darkness revealed his sunlight. An unhappy smile formed on his face.
"I don't like my body.. I hate it. I hate it so so so so much. I'm so f-fat and ugly. And the freckles and stretch marks don't exactly help my self esteem either. They make it so so much w-w-... so so much worse.. They constantly remind me of my imperfections and insecurities.. I wish they were gone... I wish I had a different body. I wish… I wish.. I wish I cared less about it."
Komaeda just sat there a bit stunned at how Naegi could hate his body so much.. There was clear frustration and sadness in his voice, and it hurt Komaeda to hear him like that. It was severely concerning to Komaeda.
"Na-... Makoto-kun.." He began before he gave up, he gently stroked Naegi's cheek soothingly, Naegi melted into the hand. Nuzzling his cheek back into the hand trying to comfort him.
He opened his mouth again. "They.. they bullied m-me." Naegi's eyes sported tears that dared to run down his cheeks while his brows were curved. He bent his knees and held them tight against his chest. And that's when the look of pure terror appeared on Komaeda's facial features.
Who would bully such an angel?
He was basically god sent, he was kind, caring, considerate, cute, faithful… Why would anyone ever do such a thing? Komaeda thought.
"They called me fat. They said I was unworthy of love. A f-faggot. A sissy. A wimp. The list goes on. They even br-brought along my little sist-sister into the bullying. Um.. I don't t-think I could ever forgive myself for letting them bully her as w-well." His speech began to get worse and worse the more he spoke about the topic.
"I r-remember quite a few times I was told to.." Naegi gulped.
He couldn't say it.
He wouldn't say it.
If he said it he would consider it.
"I'm sorry… I must seem so pa-pathetic in comparison to your trauma… I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sor-" He was cut off by Komaeda covering his mouth with his two hands.
"Makoto-kun. You're beautiful. I love you so much. They're just nobodys without talents that are jealous." He stated matter-a-factly. His two hands uncovered Naegi's mouth. "How can you know if I'm not ugly through all the bulky clothing I wear..?"
"Hmm…" Komaeda tapped his lip jokingly with his empty hand.
"How about, My Hope, that you take off your two jackets, you have a shirt underneath, right? Of course you don't have to, though." Naegi nodded, feeling his cheeks heat up. He took a deep breath, looking down at the two jackets covering him up. That kept him safe and hid him from the humiliation, from the self hatred. He began to shake as he got rid of one. His breathing became fast and unsteady as his hand reached for the zipper. Underneath was just a white T-shirt. It would expose everything he tried so hard to hide. He looked up at Komaeda, his gray-green eyes were soft and gentle.
It gave him a small amount of confidence.
This was someone he could trust.
This was someone who would love him either way, right?
He quickly pulled the zipper down without any further thought, his eyes were shut extremely tight. He kept them closed as he took off the jacket and put it onto what he assumed was on top of the other jacket. He slowly but surely opened his eyes, revealing the plain white T-shirt covering his body, nonetheless the stretch marks and freckles and cuts along his arm.
His breathing quickened again, he was just so ugly.
He placed his hands in his hair, pulling it, it was painful, but he deserved it.
"Sunshine." He was pulled into a warm embrace. "You shouldn't be ashamed of your body, Sunshine."
Naegi could feel his cheeks heating up from the nicknames, although he was called them all the time by Komaeda. Komaeda grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers. He pulled away and hovered his hand above his arm, above where Naegi's stretch marks and cuts seemed to be prominent.
Komaeda looked up at him for permission. "May I? Unless you don't want scum-"
"No no you're fine!!" He sputtered out.
Komaeda nodded, he gently traced the lines, every little crevasse and stretch mark. He gave each and every line a kiss once he was done tracing them, which made Naegi blush become deeper and deeper.
Once Komaeda was finished with that arm he went on to the next arm. He traced and kissed every little freckle, stretch mark, cut, crevasse, etc.
Soon enough the tracing and kisses began to tickle Naegi, they made him giggle and flush and he felt happy. After the two arms it was his face, he would kiss all the little freckles he could kiss. Komaeda ran his fingers through his Naegi's hair, softly playing with it to comfort him a bit more.
"I know what it's like to not like your body, and trust me I know it sucks. But you are perfect the way you are right now. And you always will be in my eyes. So what if some nobodies made fun of you for being a bigger size? You are beyond wonderful, My Hope." Komaeda stated as Naegi smiled calmly.
Naegi was beginning to feel better, but he still wasn't happy. But that's okay. It's okay to not be okay, he decided. It will take time to begin loving his body again. He gave Komaeda a kiss on the cheek.
"Thank you."
Komaeda made a small humming noise. "It's really no problem, trash like me needs to help-"
"You're not trash, Nagito-kun."
Komaeda's pale face turned pink as he nodded, though he didn't agree he wouldn't fight with him about it. They'd already been over that they didn't agree on his opinion on himself. And Naegi tried to help him as much as he could.
Naegi pulled Komaeda down onto the bed to lay down with him. He didn't plan on leaving for a while. It was raining way too hard and he still was an emotional mess. Neither of them were ready for him to leave.
And that was okay.
He could learn to love himself with the help of everyone around him.
He could do this.
He can begin to care less about these things. Care less about his appearance and what it means to others.
liberosis
n. the desire to care less about things—to loosen your grip on your life, to stop glancing behind you every few steps, afraid that someone will snatch it from you before you reach the end zone—rather to hold your life loosely and playfully, like a volleyball, keeping it in the air, with only quick fleeting interventions, bouncing freely in the hands of trusted friends, always in play.