Archive of Our Own

to be deserving

Izuku is quite familiar with dreams. It’s hard not to be when you grow up dreaming of a mysterious woman with no face and the parental warmth of someone you don’t know. Those dreams had become recognizable to Izuku almost immediately. He knew the tell tale signs of them, the muffled noises, the warmth, the humming. 

At the time he just hadn’t known who exactly that woman was. 

But he does now. 

He still can hardly believe that his mother is alive . She’s alive, and she never gave up on him. The very thought warms Izuku. 

The dream of a half painted picture of his mother slowly stops occurring. The time he ever has the dream, he finally sees his mother’s face. He sees the full picture. He sees his father take him away from his mother, and he sees her crumple to the floor, anguish written all over he features. 

And then the dream stops coming, but it’s replaced with a different dream. 

One that fills Izuku with nothing but dread. 

And tonight is no different it seems. 

It starts out with the fight he had with Bakugou. They resolve things and mend their relationship. They’re on the path to becoming better rivals. 

And then he shows up. 

The sky becomes red and the environment darkens around him. All Might appears, and Izuku is forced to watch his hero and his father fight. 

Then….

“Izuku, come here.”

Izuku doesn’t want to, but his legs move without his permission. ‘Stop!’ He thinks, shouting in his mind. ‘Stop moving! Don’t go to him!’ 

He doesn’t stop until he’s standing in front of his father. 

“Izuku, you’ve made me so proud. You’ve exceeded my expectations every single day.” 

There was a point in time where hearing such praise from his father would make him beam in joy. The warmth in his father’s voice would have made him puff his chest in pride as he soaked up the praise. 

But now? The warmth in his father’s voice makes him shrink back and cringe. 

“You’ve completed your mission, my son. You’ve been very helpful, just like you’ve always wanted to be, yes? But I have one final task for you, Izuku. Can you help me one more time?”

Izuku knows what’s coming, and he tries to stop the words from spilling from his lips. He wishes he could move his body, cover his mouth, run as far away from his father as possible, but he can’t. 

“Of course, father!”

Here, in this dream, Izuku can see the sick grin taking over his father’s face. 

“Give me your quirk.”

In this dream, Izuku cannot refuse. His willpower cannot stop his father from taking his quirk. Funny, it’s only after his father takes his quirk that Izuku can freely move. 

His father laughs, cruel and cold, as he stares down All Might, whose face is stricken with horror. His father strikes All Might down right in front of Izuku.

“M-My boy…. why? I...I trusted you….” 

Those are the last words All Might utters before his father finishes him off. 

It makes Izuku want to vomit. 

As if adding insult to injury, his father turns to him and pats his head. The action feels empty and cold to Izuku, and he shivers as tears roll down his face. 

“You’re such a good son, my boy.” 

He doesn’t feel like a very good son. His father is proud, but Izuku is overcome with grief. His father is proud but Izuku’s classmates hate him. His father is proud but his teachers think he’s a villain. 

His father is proud, but Izuku lost his home . 

Izuku wakes up nearly sobbing. 

It takes him a few seconds to recognize his surroundings. He’s in his dorm room at U.A. He exhales, wiping the tears from his eyes. He grabs his phone and glances at the time, wincing. 

It’s nearly four in the morning. 

He considers going back to sleep for a few seconds until he throws that idea out the window. He’s learned that he can never go back to sleep after dreams that shake him to his core. 

He glances at the notebook on his desk and makes a decision. 

He gets up and tries to ignore how badly he’s shaking. He grabs his notebook, pencil, and phone. Izuku knows what he’s about to do is risky, but he’s been doing this for about two weeks now and he hasn’t gotten caught. 

He peeks his head into the hallway, looking around. As usual, no one is there. He then makes his way downstairs to the kitchen, being as quiet as possible. 

Once Izuku reaches the kitchen, he grabs a mug from the cabinet and grabs a packet of hot chocolate. 

Normally he’d settle for a glass of water, but it’s not like he’s going to bed anytime soon. Ever since moving into the dorms, he’s been setting his water aside in favor of hot chocolate. He welcomes any extra energy he can get at this point. 

He puts his notebook down on the counter as he starts to boil the water. As he waits for it, Izuku pulls out his phone and begins looking at the recent hero news. 

Absentmindedly, he scrolls through the news and writes down new notes on heroes that he finds. These last two weeks have been so hectic with preparing for the provisional license exam that Izuku hasn’t had time to update his book. 

He hums quietly to himself as his pencil moves across the page. He holds his chin in his hand as he writes, trying to fight back his yawns. 

It’s then that the water boils and Izuku drops his pencil. He then grabs his mug and pours the water into it, being careful not to spill anything. 

Everything goes smoothly until he accidentally drops the pot he was using too harshly in the sink. It makes a loud clattering noise and he winces, exhaling a quiet, “ Shit. ”

He waits for a couple of minutes, holding his breath. 

It remains silent. 

He sighs in relief, and continues with his cocoa. 

Izuku drops the cocoa packet into the cup, mixes it,  and moves over to the dining room table. He sits down and places the mug next to him. 

He continues to write. He reaches for his mug as he does, gently blowing on it before taking a sip. 

Izuku is so focused on his notes that he doesn’t realize that someone is approaching. He doesn’t notice he’s no longer alone until he hears the voice of his homeroom teacher, sighing, “Of course it’s the Problem Child.” 

Izuku jumps in surprise, twisting in his seat to face his teacher. “A-Aizawa-sensei!” He exclaims in shock. “W-What are you doing here?!”

Aizawa has a frown on his face as he crosses his arms and levels Izuku with an unimpressed look. “I could ask you the same thing.” Is the response. 

Izuku winces at the question, though he should’ve figured Aizawa would ask the same thing of him. “I um...wanted hot chocolate?” He meant to sound confident, but it comes out more shaky and quiet than he intended. 

“You wanted hot chocolate. At four in the morning.” Aizawa doesn’t look impressed. 

“Um...yes..?” Izuku can feel his heart pounding in his chest as his teacher continues to stare at him. Izuku can feel himself beginning to sweat from pure nerves alone. He resists the urge to fidget with his hands. 

Eventually, Aizawa sighs and turns to the kitchen. Izuku watches in confusion as the man grabs a mug and a tea packet. Izuku is further confused as the man reaches for the pot Izuku had used and washes it out before filling it with water. He then sets it on the stove. 

“Um...Aizawa-sensei? What are you doing?” Izuku finds himself questioning. 

“I’m making tea.” Aizawa replies dryly. “It helps me fall asleep.” 

His response only makes Izuku more confused. He doesn’t ask anymore questions, and instead turns back to his hero notes. He’s kind of afraid to ask anymore questions. Aizawa hasn’t scolded him yet for being up late, and he doesn’t want to risk it by asking too much. 

Silence fills the air as Izuku writes and Aizawa makes his tea. 

Neither makes a sound until Aizawa sits down at the table across from him, steaming mug in hand. Izuku glances up at his teacher in confusion.

“I know you’ve been having trouble sleeping lately. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you nearly drifting off in class.” Aizawa suddenly says, and it’s so abrupt that it makes Izuku snap his head up and stare at the man. 

Izuku tenses almost immediately. He didn’t think that anyone had noticed. If Aizawa has noticed...has anyone else? 

“S-Sorry…” He finds himself muttering, eyes darting to stare down at the table. 

“Listen, I didn’t come here to scold you, even though I should.” Aizawa tells him, sighing. “I’m sure it hasn’t been easy, dealing with the fallout of what your father did, what you did. As much as it might surprise you, I know you, Midoriya. I know what’s going on in that head of yours.” 

For some reason, the thought doesn’t terrify Izuku as much as he thinks it should. Instead it...makes him feel cared for, oddly enough. It makes him feel like there’s someone looking out for him. 

“You’re blaming yourself still.” Aizawa says bluntly, and nope, never mind, he takes it back. He doesn’t like the fact that Aizawa can read him like that. “You’re still beating yourself up while everyone else has forgiven you. That sound about right?” 

Without realizing, Izuku nods in response. 

And then, the words slip out, “Everything that happened that night is my fault...and I keep thinking what if it ended in a completely different way? What if...what if he had won and got what he wanted..?” He stares down at his lap, frowning. “The thought keeps me up at night and well...y’know.” 

“I see.” Aizawa’s voice is quiet, and there’s an emotion there that Izuku can’t pinpoint exactly. He hears his teacher sigh again, and boy does his teacher sound tired. “Midoriya.” Aizawa says, and his tone is oddly soft. Izuku looks up at him, surprised by his tone. Aizawa meets his eyes, but the man doesn’t look upset or angry like Izuku would’ve expected. Instead he looks...sad? Somber? Concerned? 

“When your father attacked the school, did you know he would do that?” Aizawa asks him and huh, that’s an odd question, isn’t it? 

“No…” Izuku responds, and Aizawa nods. He knows his confusion is written all over his face, but besides the confusion there’s also some hesitation there as well. 

“Did you tell him to attack the school?” Is the follow up question, and it only serves the purpose of making Izuku more confused. 

“No…” He answers. Even if Izuku didn’t tell his father to attack the school, does it matter? His father still attacked, still ruined All Might, and Izuku had a part to play in all of that.

His father pulled the strings while Izuku played the role of the obedient puppet. But Izuku chose that role. He could’ve cut the strings, he could’ve freed himself. 

But he didn’t.

Aizawa leans back in his chair, nodding, “Then I don’t see how it’s your fault that he attacked. Your father’s actions are his alone, and he’s responsible for them. Not you.” 

“But…” Izuku tries to argue, “But I almost gave him my quirk! I almost threw away everything just because he said he was proud of me.” 

“But you didn’t.” Aizawa tells him, and for some reason, Izuku wants to cry. “Nobody blames you for wanting the approval of your father. You’re just a kid, Midoriya. No matter what you or your classmates think, you’re children . You’re all just...kids trying to fill the shoes of adults, and you haven’t figured out how yet.” 

Izuku listens to him, surprised and speechless. 

“It’s only natural that you’d seek the approval of your father, especially if you felt like you had to earn it. But that’s not on you. That’s on him.” Aizawa’s eyes narrow, and Izuku sees some muted anger there. “You shouldn’t have been a pawn in someone else’s game, especially not for your father. It was cruel of him to use you like that.” 

Izuku doesn’t reply immediately, instead looking down at his notebook on the table. His eyes focus on the pages in front of him, but he doesn’t really read the words. He acknowledges their existence as he soaks in the things that Aizawa has said. 

Just when Izuku thinks Aizawa is done speaking, the man has one last thing to tell him,  “You know, people’s true colors tend to show when they’re put into a dangerous situation. When they’re face to face with a difficult choice, some people crack under the pressure and they save themselves. And then there are those who make the choice to save others.” Aizawa looks at Izuku with a small grin, “We call those people heroes, Problem Child.”

As much as he tries to stop himself, Izuku begins to cry. He understands what Aizawa is trying to say, and it practically makes him weep. He still doesn’t quite understand how everyone can forgive him so easily. How everyone can still look at him and say, he’s hero material. 

But oh does he want to believe it. He wants to believe that he’s hero material, that he deserves to be hero material. 

Because that’s the issue at the heart of all of this, right? After everything he’s done, can he really say he deserves to stand beside his classmates as they all work toward a common goal? As they all work to become heroes? 

Neither of them say anything for a few minutes. Izuku wipes his tears, but they keep coming. He feels a little awkward, crying in front of his teacher like this. 

But...Aizawa sits there and waits for Izuku to calm down. 

Once the tears stop, Izuku is left sniffling and oddly tired. He looks up at his teacher, and quietly asks, “Sensei do you think...do you think I really have what it takes to become a hero?” 

For the moment, there’s no response from Aizawa. It makes Izuku nervous, because the last time he asked that question, he was shot down. There’s still a chance Aizawa can do the same thing, and it makes him question if everything the man just told him was to offer empty comfort. He squashes the thought almost immediately. Aizawa isn’t that type of person. 

He’s blunt and sometimes brutally honest, but he doesn’t make empty promises or say things just to say them. 

“I’ve taught quite a bit of hero students over the years, kid. But I don’t think any of them have caused me as much trouble as you.” Aizawa suddenly says. “I’ll say this, Problem Child. If I didn’t think you had the potential, I would’ve expelled you the moment you stepped into the field that day and threw that ball.” 

Izuku really wants to cry again. 

But he doesn’t. 

Aizawa gets up from his chair and walks over to Izuku. He looks down at Izuku, and Izuku looks at his teacher in confusion. 

And then, he feels a hand ruffle his hair. The action surprises Izuku, just like it had when Aizawa had ruffled his hair when he first came back to the dorms. There’s a certain warmth that the action brings that makes Izuku smile. It’s a warmth that Izuku has only felt while receiving a hug from his mother. 

The action lasts for a few seconds before Aizawa pulls his hand away and turns around, “Go to bed, Midoriya.”

Izuku nods, and he glances at his open notebook. With a small smile on his face, he closes it. He stands up from the chair and he grabs his mug of cocoa. As he does so, his eyes drift over to Aizawa’s untouched tea. “Ah, sensei! You forgot your tea!” He calls as his teacher heads for the door. 

“I didn’t.” Comes the reply before the man leaves, leaving Izuku alone with his thoughts. 

Izuku eyes the mug, and he hesitates. 

“It helps me fall asleep.” 

He pours out his hot chocolate and as he gathers his things, he grabs the mug of tea. 

Needless to say, the next time Izuku finds himself awake late at night, he reaches for the tea packet instead. 

Shortly after, the dreams stop coming.