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Spark of the Rebellion
Despite what many were taught and told throughout the years of the Jedi Order. Jedi Masters and their Padawans were allowed to grow attached, but they weren't allowed to love. They were taught that attachments and love were two vastly different things and that developing an attachment to someone was inevitable, however loving them was dangerous. Loving someone clouded the Jedi's sense of self, the morals of right and wrong. And that's were his Master Billaba differed from the rest of the Council, she told him even in the few short months they had spent together.
That she cared about him and had said that one day she hoped he himself found a Padawan that he loved just as much as she had, even if the Council didn't agree with it.
And at the time, that is exactly what young Caleb wanted to have, he wanted to feel that type care for someone, for someone that looked up to him, a childish thought but that’s how he thought during his youth.
But then the Purge happened, and everything changed. Soon his once desired thought to have that bond, a similar one he had with his Master, shattered the moment he saw her die, he felt they're bond being severed so abruptly, that it took his breath away, and made his heart ache.
Days, weeks, months passed by where he just couldn’t breathe sometimes with how much he missed her.
And now, years later, Kanan knew, that he couldn't fully bring his heart into this, he already opened himself as much as he could with Hera and then to Zeb and Sabine, bringing a child into this, is something Kanan couldn't allow himself to do. It was far too dangerous, and what good would he do anyway? He never finished his own training, so what good would he be towards having his own?
And then Ezra literally dropped into his life and everything changed yet again.
With one quote from Hera, he knew he didn't have a choice, "There's no one else, he has no one else, he needs us."
And dammit, she was right, of course she had been right, she's always right. Ezra had spent enough time with them in the short few days for Kanan to know that the kid needed help, he needed someone to be there for him. So reluctantly, Kanan accepted Ezra as his Padawan, yet those first few weeks training him; Kanan could admit it now that his heart just wasn't in it, and he wasn't making it subtle either; everyone, including Chopper could tell Kanan wasn't putting his all when it came to training the kid. And while Kanan grumbled and rolled his eyes and denied that he was doing his best, he also could sense the obvious lie there he was telling himself.
He let out a sigh of frustration, rubbing a hand down his face. It not that he wasn't trying to teach the kid, he was, he was using all the lessons and teaching he was taught at the Jedi Temple and by Master Billaba, but nothing was clicking.
And unlike the others, Kanan knew why, and he knew that it was half his fault truly; Master Billaba once told him that a bond between a Padawan and their Master was strong, especially if they were opened to it, diving head first down without fear of what laid beneath, because they cared that much. She also said, back then while she was instructing Kanan's lightsaber holds, that there were two ways a Master and Apprentice can be chosen, one were the Council picks the pair, or one when the Force itself chooses and those in particular were known as Force Bonds, and not only were those exceedingly rare but that they were also the strongest kind and the most dangerous because those were the ones that went deeper, far deeper than the Council approved of, hence why most Apprenticeships were directly chosen by the Jedi Order themselves.
The latter, Billaba explained, is that it happens the moment a chosen youngling and Master meet, and while Kanan had that experience with Master Billaba, he also had that same experience with Ezra. Where he'd been minding his own business on Lothal, where his mind had been 100% focused on the route operation, when suddenly he began to hear and feel that familiar hum practically singing around him.
It took him by the wrist and guided him, told him to look behind him, told him to look up.
And after that; it all changed, something seemed to shift within the Force, he could feel it, Kanan knew exactly what was happening. It felt so subtle yet loud at the same time. He was developing a Force Bond with Ezra, the same way he had with his own Master.
And that is why he was distancing himself, because he didn't want to form that type of bond with Ezra, because it was dangerous.
When Billaba died something inside him broke, and when Okadiah passed in his arms, he felt that same ache in his chest, and it was agony in both cases. If he could become that broken when loosing people that have cared about him and that he cared in return, that whom he saw as parental figures, then how bad would it be if Kanan let his Force Bond with Ezra truly connect? How dangerous would it be for both of them if they truly did care about him as Depa and Okadiah had for him?
It scared him, truly it did, he didn't want that connection again, even if it was in reverse this time, he feared it, but not just because he didn't want to feel that type of pain again, but he also didn't want Ezra to go through what he had, and possibly feel that agony of loss.
So he distant himself from the kid, for both their sakes.
Rise of the Old Masters
A week passed by and he had gotten into the rhythm of teaching Ezra— or attempting to teach Ezra, while still keeping their bond at arm's length.
Then came the day of Trayvis' broadcast about Luminara, and Kanan could help but let out a breath, it was sharp against his teeth, filled with emotions— shock that she was alive, and relief that one of his own had somehow made through all the years of hell the Empire can put someone through. But then amongst all that, he found his chance; Luminara had been a great Jedi, she was one of the many Kanan had met during his days as a youngling and even afterwards when he became Depa's Padawan. Saving her was the right thing to do, but as he prepared himself for their destination, Kanan thought that this was his chance to give Ezra a better teacher. Even though he still felt the bond that connected him to Ezra, thrum gently within the Force, he still believed that if there was even the slightest chance, that he could give Ezra a better mentor then himself, then shouldn't he try?
No…
Not try
He would
Or at least that's what he thought, that's what he wanted.
But the Force had a funny way of slapping him back to reality, for Luminara in reality was gone, had been long gone and what was even worse, what made Kanan feel sick to his stomach was that the Empire were using her body, her very bones as bait to any Jedi that might feel her presence. And what was even worse than that, was that Kanan had fallen for it, because of course she was gone, not even someone as brilliant as Luminara could have survived all these years under Imperial hands.
But if it was even possible, the situation grew increasingly worse when the Grand Inquisitor appeared, and had tried to capture them and had almost succeeded as he shoved Kanan back, knocking him unconscious for a brief moment, only for him to come to just in time to see the Inquisitor advance upon Ezra.
Kanan felt his heart cease beating in his chest, eyes wide in a panic he hasn't felt since running for his live back on Kaller.
But this wasn't about him, this fear he held in his heart was for Ezra, fear that something bad might happen to him, fear he might lose him just like Depa and Okadiah. Because as much as he tried to deny it, he was starting to care about this kid, even if he didn't want to, even if he feared that type of connection, there was no denying that was happening no matter how much he tried to push it down.
So for the first time since meeting the kid, Kanan reached out mentally grasped hold of their connection, and held it tightly in his grasp and watched and heard it sing and thrum against his fingertips, as he stuck the Inquisitor to the ceiling and ordered Ezra to run, run to him, so that he could protect him.
And once they were all safe, thank gods—Kanan knew that his state of mind, that keeping Ezra at a distance had been the wrong approach. His own fear of growing an attachment to Ezra and therefore resulting in him building a wall between them that should never have been there in the first place. If he was going to train Ezra, then he needed to do it right. No more distant walls and doubt, no more fearing their connection and what it was going to develop into.
He needed to dive headfirst into this. With no fear of what laid at the bottom.
And as he told all this to Ezra, he finally opened up his side of their bond, tore down that walls he had built to keep Ezra out and finally let their Force Bond run through the both of them.
Ezra smiled at him, and in that moment Kanan felt a warmth bloom deep in his heart, and he smiled fondly in returned as they truly began Ezra's Jedi training.
Empire Day/Gathering Forces
Ezra's training had been going well, now that Kanan had freely opened up their bond and stopped keeping the kid at a distant to avoid growing attached like his Master had done with him, Kanan found that while it was still maybe new and slow at first, while they still had their hiccups, it was going a lot smoother then how it had been before. And Kanan thought that just for a moment, that he could do this, that he could teach Ezra and be successful.
Until the Grand Inquisitor made Ezra tap into the Dark Side in an act od desperation to save Kanan.
And the feeling that consumed him when he watched as his padawan summoned that creature to attack the Grand Inquisitor, the deep seeded horror that enveloped his heart as he felt ceased breathing. His body going ice cold as he felt Ezra's anger and hate and fear.
Eyes widening, when Ezra collapsed on the ground, his heart almost stopped, and he didn't even hesitate to run forward and taking the kid into his arms. Heart pounding in his ears, fear coursing through him, Kanan gently held the boy, whispering reassurance when Ezra finally came to and taking a moment to sit down a crossed the kid once they were safely back on the Phantom and softly grasped Ezra's shoulder, sending waves of calmness through their bond.
Kanan knew right then that Ezra had to be tested, because even if it had only been for a brief moment, his Padawan tapped into the Dark Side and that alone concerned him and made him feel guilty. He was supposed to be training Ezra, helping him, and yet he completely forgot the first lesson a youngling is taught, the knowledge of the Dark Side, and because he failed, Ezra was now tittering over a steep edge of fear and uncertainty.
The kid needed to be tested, and the only way for that to happen was a Jedi Temple, and Kanan didn't know if it was fate or some coincidence but the fact that there just so happen to be one of Lothal, made him pause for a moment before smiling, of course, this was Ezra's home.
And afterwards, after Ezra immerged from the Temple, kyber crystal in hand, it didn't take long for Kanan to realize a sudden change in Ezra after they got back from the Jedi Temple.
Hell, on the ride back to the Ghost, Kanan took notice that Ezra was acting different, chattier and asking questions. And even after the kid built his lightsaber Ezra was still acting strange, his Force signature was this tight little bundle of nerves and awareness, like he himself knew he was acting weird but didn't know what to do about it.
It all came to a head once everyone had turned in for the day and Kanan laid on his back looking up at the bunk above him, slowly he let out a sigh and rubbed at his eyes knowing it was no use, Ezra's thoughts and emotions were way too loud. Through there bond he could feel Ezra's excitement over having his own lightsaber, and Kanan couldn't help but scoff fondly at that but then Ezra's emotions took a sudden turn, abruptly Kanan felt fear there, horror and sadness came soon after and it filled Ezra to the brim.
Kanan had no idea what was going on, but the confusion and worry made him spring out of bed and move towards the door, when it suddenly slide open on its own, revealing Ezra on the other side. Ezra looked like just as shocked to see him standing there. "O-Oh sorry, I—" Ezra stammered through his words, attempting to find an actual excuse to why he was there when Kanan cut him off.
"You wanna tell me what's been bugging you?"
Ezra stiffened, and his body growing taut and nervous, a smile on his face. "Huh?"
"Kid, you've been acting strange since we got back from the Temple. Now, speaking from experience, you obviously saw something in there that stuck with you, so why don't you just tell me what it is, so that we can work through it together?"
Ezra's face fell and a frown replaced the sheepish expression he had previously had, Kanan watched as the kid bowed his head, his gaze fixated on the metal flooring under his feet. "I-I don't…" Ezra's fear and pain spiked within the Force, he flinched and tightly closed his eyes. Seeing this, Kanan gently placed his hand on the boy's back and sat Ezra down on his bed, then sat down next to his Padawan, and waited. “I—“
"Take your time." Because he knew that's what Ezra needed was time, because that's what he had needed when he went through a similar test of his own back when he first became Billaba's Padawan. Where it was hard to talk what he had experienced with her, how his body still vibrated from the intensity of it, still blindly seeking comfort even though his morals of the Jedi Code tried to prevent him from doing so.
Ezra let out a small sigh and looked at his hands. "The Temple… I-It showed me something… I saw you there and the Inquisitor showed up and you protected me and then you—" Ezra paused and flinched once again, his shoulders stiffening and he bowed his head lower, "He killed you, I watched you die… Kanan… I know it wasn't real, but it just… it still hurts and haven't felt this way since my—" Ezra trailed off and even at this angle, Kanan could see the tears falling down his face.
And something inside Kanan, a side of him he has never felt before suddenly takes over when he saw Ezra in such a pained state and knowing it specifically because of him, knowing the boy was so genuinely scared over watching an apparition of himself die, it made that feeling grow stronger. Slowly, he reached forward and placed his hand on the kid's shoulder and Ezra immediately leaned into it, catching Kanan off enough that he had to adjust his hold before settling more comfortably on the edge of the bed, "Hey, it's okay. Most Jedi go through that fear of losing people." It surprised even him, how soft how voice sounded, and how natural it felt.
"Did you?" Ezra asked, his voice sounding small and reminded Kanan of how young Ezra still was, still just a kid.
Kanan let out a tired sigh, "It was different for me, Ezra. I was still a Padawan back then and I didn't really experience anything to fear in terms of losing people." Kanan paused, just for a moment as his eyes turned towards his Master's Holocron lying on his shelf, before he continued, "I had doubts, fears of my own self-worth.” Surprisingly, his trials never had conjured up an apparition of Depa dying, until he did. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
Ezra wiped at his eyes and sniffed, "I know it wasn't real, I know that, it's just…" Kanan could feel Ezra's frustration spike as well as the kid's pain.
Kanan tightened his fingers against Ezra's shoulder, "You're scared."
"I'm sorry." Ezra's voice broke and he sounded so lost and confused, "I don't mean to be a burden, I just… I don’t want to lose you but then I did and then I didn’t and I don’t know how to make it stop." He didn't want to lose Kanan, suddenly Hera's words flashed forward in his mind, There's no one else, he has no one else, he needs us. And Kanan could now see the undertones of what she had actually meant. Ezra just didn't need them, he needed Kanan specifically, in more ways than simply Jedi training.
Kanan felt Ezra's body tremble under his fingertips and that same feeling inside him spiked once again, that need to protect this kid with everything he had and Kanan didn't hesitate as he slide his arm around the kid's shoulders. "Hey, it's okay. There's nothing wrong with being scared." His voice holding that same softness there, that his own Master held for him the day he passed his trials, "It's okay."
Master—!" He cried out, gripping his Master’s cloak in a desperate attempt to ground himself.
"Shh, my Padawan. It's alright” Her voice was soft, soothing like it always was. “I'm here."
"I'm here."
Ezra let out a sniffle, and leaned his head against Kanan's chest, and while there was a part of him that felt awkward over the contact, there was another part of him that felt natural. Patting Ezra's arm, sending out all the peace he could muster through their bond to calm his Padawan.
They sat in silence, and eventually fell asleep.
Fire Across the Galaxy
Despite how Kanan was feeling, despite how much his body twitched and burned with every step he took from the aftermath of his torture, despite how much his head ached and how blurred his vision was, Kanan still tried to say that he was fine, because right now he didn't want to be poked and prodded by the medical droids, all he wanted right now was to pass out for the next 24 hours because he was exhausted.
But Hera denied him even that, brushed off his words and practically dragged him into the medbay. And stood next to him as the medical droid and human had him strip down to his shirt while they looked him over and he heard Hera let out a shocked gasp when all along his body, were these deep red gagged lines going all a crossed his arms, down his torso and legs, the unfortunate side effects of getting shock with electricity.
Kanan blinked at the burns he saw on his chest, but had no other reaction besides that, his body was just too numb to feel anything, his eyes blurred to badly to see anything. Black spots filled his vision and Kanan physically and mentally felt himself falling. But he would seem to find any type of peace for even though he got what he wanted the chance to sleep, for his trauma would not leave him even then, for they affected his very dreams.
He found himself back on that catwalk on Moff Tarkin's Star Destroyer, back where Kanan had the most worse experience since the loss of his Master and Okadiah. He watched helplessly as the Grand Inquisitor tossed back his duel lightsaber, he watched as Ezra blocked it, and he watched as his Padawan fell, watched him plummeted three stories downs, but this time Kanan was aware that Ezra was still alive, and that fact calmed him, all he had to do was do what he did last time and everything would be fine.
Then the scene shifted and suddenly the Inquisitor sent him a sinister smile and jumped from the catwalk, his lightsaber still ignited it's same sickening red and sent the blade straight through his Padawan's chest—
And the pain that Kanan felt, it was just as agonizing as when he first experienced it but far worse because now, he knew that Ezra was truly dead. A horrified scream tore from Kanan's throat, as he reached his hand out, and wanted desperately to save Ezra but knew it was too late, there was no way the kid survived such a wound to the chest.
He had failed again, just like his Master and just like with Okadiah.
But this felt so much worse, because this was Ezra, this was a kid, a kid that he was supposed to be protecting, a boy that he was supposed to be caring for, and he failed. And this time, he couldn't let it go, whereas before he had used that pain to focus, and let himself be aided as the Forced washed over him.
"No! NO!"
His scream was raw, it stung his throat as reached his hand out, tears rolled down his face.
Eyes snapping open, his heart pounding in his chest so hard he could feel and hear it in his ears. Blinking rapidly, Kanan looked around and his eyes immediately fell on Ezra sitting a few ways away from him, looking helpless and loss.
But Kanan could focus on nothing else, all that his mind was allowing to flow through his thoughts was he's okay, he's okay, thank the Force, "U-Um, hey Kanan," Ezra's voice sounded sheepish and nervous, and it's not supposed to sound like that, not at all and especially not with Kanan.
Still, he forced himself to breathe, and attempt to calm the fear in his heart, as he cleared his throat and spoke, "Are you alright?" He inquired softly, as his eyes traveled to the bandage on the boy's cheek.
Right now, he knows that Ezra's alive but being alive and being okay are two different things. Especially when his body, heart and mind are coming down from that nightmare he just had.
He felt Ezra's awkwardness, and hesitation, "Uh, yeah. Well I mean, I have a mild concussion, but I'm okay." Ezra paused, folding his hands together, and looked down towards the ground, something the kid tended to do when he felt overwhelmed and scared, "I mean, you're the one who's not alright." Ezra licked his chapped lips as his eyes settled on the scars along Kanan's chest and arms, "I-I should let you rest, I'll just go—" Ezra stated with a stuttered, as he turned to leave.
And Kanan's heart jumped in fear, his nightmare still so fresh and painful in his mind, that the thought of Ezra leaving spiked fear into his veins, frantically he reached out and grasped the boy's wrist, tightly. "No! You... You don't— don't have to go." And it surprised even Kanan how fragile his own voice sounded, how desperate, Ezra then turned around and finally looking up towards Kanan and their eyes met. “Please, don’t go.”
I need to make sure you’re okay, I need to keep you safe.
All at once Kanan could feel the adoration this kid held for him, could feel the fear of having watched him get captured and having almost lost him, just like Ezra had witnessed before in the Temple on Lothal.
Their bond thrummed between them, it was like a gentle heartbeat, and Kanan could no longer take it anymore, could no longer deny how much he truly care about this kid, how much he loved him, just like his Master had wanted.
Gently, he held out his arms in invitation, "C'mere, kiddo."
Ezra's face contorted into shock but then settled on an expression of absolute pain, as the kid rushed forward, and cling to Kanan desperately, "Kanan…" Ezra's body trembled in his hold, shoulders quaking violently, as tears silently cascading down his cheeks, staining Kanan's shirt. "Kanan—!"
Kanan held him tightly to his chest, "Shhh, it's okay."
"I'm sorry…"
Kanan ran his fingers through Ezra's dark curls, soothingly, "For what?" His voice but a mere murmur.
"You told me that we'd face loss with everything we do. But we almost lost you and I couldn't— I just... I'm sorry—!"
It had been close, far too close for both them.
Kanan merely soothed him with small shushes and gentle caresses, "I'm right here."
Ezra continued to sob, shaking his head. "But you weren't, you were gone, we almost lost you—"
"I almost lost you." Kanan murmured into Era's hairline, voice shaking. Tightening his arms around Ezra, pulling all the closer to his chest, hoisting the kid on the medical bed, as he laid them both down.
Visions of his nightmare flashed in his mind, and he flinched, shoulders trembling. "When I saw you fall, Ezra— I felt it end, I felt everything just stop. You weren't moving, you were so lifeless laying there and I couldn't feel you anymore, and I couldn't— Stars… the grief, I felt, the pain, I couldn't take it—" Kanan closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath escape his lips. "When I was fighting the Inquisitor, I was distant, numb and all I could focus on was him, while trying to push down the hurt I felt for what he did to you and I—" Kanan felt the corner of his eyes being to sting as he ran his fingers through Ezra's hair. "I haven't felt that way, that gutted in a long time."
Ezra curled his legs up and buried his face into Kanan's chest, right over his heart, as Kanan's emotions bleed into his own. "I didn't know what to do, I-I felt them torture you—!”
Kanan grimaced, as guilt gnawed at him, during his time with Tarkin, Kanan thought, had hope somehow spared Ezra of that, feeling his pain, especially with how intense the interrogation got after some time. He thought, during his mediation in the rare times the Inquisitor and Tarkin left him alone that, he could block Ezra out, deliberately doing so this time around to protect him. Because Kanan knew how awful and gut punching it was to feel that, having felt that himself, when his Master was gunned down. "I'm sorry. I tried to block all that out, to shield you from it…" Chest aching, Kanan let out another trembling breathe, kissing Ezra's temple gently, "I tried so hard. I'm so sorry you had to feel all that, Ezra."
"Hera wanted to just leave you, to let you go."
Kanan sighed, softly, nodding grimly. "But you didn't, you saved me, Ezra."
Yes, he knew that Hera had let him go. No doubt due to the Rebellion’s orders then her own.
Hell, he planned that the moment he told them to leave, he wanted Hera and everyone to let him go, because he had done what was necessary, and he stood by that choice. But it seemed that he underestimated Ezra and just how far he was willing to go for him, because from what Hera said before he passed out from the pain, Ezra had been the one who would not give up. While Sabine and Zeb stood behind him, backing him up, it was Ezra that pushed forward, refusing to just leave Kanan behind.
Ezra dug his fingernails into Kanan's medical gown, the trembling in his body still ceasing to subside. "She said that we had to honor the choice you made but I… I couldn't, I'm sorry but I couldn't lose you too."
Kanan didn't know what to do, what to say. How do you say anything, how do you even attempt to explain to a fifteen year old that has been through so much already that in times as dire as they were all in, that in spite of the fear and pain, you have to make tough decisions. That sometimes they couldn’t always safe each other
How was he supposed to say all that, to someone who not only didn't understand those calls, but very clearly didn't want to understand. To Ezra, was merely just a child, clinging to him so desperately, as he fought to twist fate and the rules of a warfare he was far too young to be a part of but found himself in anyway.
How could he, Kanan say any of that, when losing Ezra had almost broke him?
"Shh, it's okay."
The simple answer: was that he couldn't, at least not at the moment not when Ezra was so hysterical and not when Kanan wasn't faring any better. But Kanan knew the time would come later, when he would have to teach Ezra to let go, but right now, all that matter to Kanan right now was comforting his Padawan. "You saved me and I'm right here."
"I love you." Ezra murmured into his chest, shaking.
Kanan's heart ceased beating and soared at the same time, tears spilling down his cheeks. Even though they only known each other for a few short weeks, but it was enough for them. It just proved to Kanan now more than ever on how deep their connection had grown. How much they genuinely cared about each other, how far they were willing to go for the other, Hera had been right as she always was.
Ezra needed Kanan, to be there for him more than just a Master.
But Kanan knew the moment that he watched Ezra fall off the scaffolding that he needed Ezra too. That he cared about this kid more than his own life, he loved him. A light-hearted scoff escaped his lips, tightening his arms around Ezra, placing the side of his cheek against the kid's head, wrapping his Force signature around the kid and just breathed. "I love you too, kiddo."
Stars, he did, so kriffing much
This short, sometimes annoying kid, whom sometimes shined so bright it hurt. He loved him, just like his Master had loved him.
And Kanan realized as he laid there in the medical bay, holding Ezra as they're Force Bond hummed in contentment, that this feeling that his Master always talked about, had always wanted him to have and experience with his own Padawan. To feel this emotion towards someone that needed him and that he needed in return. To feel this overwhelming feeling of love that he would do absolutely anything for.
A small but genuine smile form on his face, reaching his eyes as fresh tears cascaded down when he realized that he had exactly that.