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1
It’s late by the time Eliott finally crawls into bed beside Lucas. He’d worked the closing shift at the video store, and Lucas likes to wait for him to get home before he falls asleep.
He hears Eliott come through the front door, seeming to move silently even though he must know that Lucas is awake, waiting for him in their room. Lucas chuckles a bit to himself at the thought of his very tall boyfriend trying to tiptoe through their dark apartment, attempting desperately not to make any noise.
Eliott slowly turns the corner into their room and he gasps when he sees Lucas sitting up against the headboard, fully awake.
“Shit, I thought you were asleep this whole time!” Eliott bends over laughing, trying to regain his breath, and Lucas snorts.
“Of course I’m awake, my love. I can’t fall asleep without you.” Lucas really doesn’t mean to sound so fond, he really doesn’t, but it just comes out like that when it comes to Eliott. Eliott smiles and walks over to Lucas’ side of the bed, kissing him quick.
“I’m glad you waited up for me, you know. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets me through a shift, knowing that I have you to come home to,” Eliott says softly as he makes his way to the closet to change his clothes, unbuttoning his shirt.
Lucas tilts his head as he moves to get under the covers. “Was work bad today?”
Eliott pulls a t-shirt over his head, mussing up his hair, and he climbs into bed with just the shirt and his boxers. “No, it was okay. Just long. Too many impatient people. Not enough of you. But now you’re here, so I’m better.”
Lucas smiles, blushing as he wraps his arms around Eliott’s chest, molding his entire body to Eliott’s back. He presses his lips to the back of Eliott’s neck, rubbing them back and forth a few times. He feels Eliott let out a deep exhale, and Lucas relaxes along with him.
“Mmm,” Lucas mumbles against Eliott’s skin. “You’re warm.”
“Too warm?”
“No, just right. Like my personal space heater. I love it,” Lucas says as he tightens his hold around Eliott, moving one of his hands so he can feel his heartbeat.
“Night, baby,” Eliott whispers, dropping a kiss to Lucas’ hands.
“Goodnight, my love.”
2
Lucas isn’t drunk, per se, but he’s definitely not sober, and he feels on top of the world. He can’t remember the last time he just let loose with his friends, with all of the stress surrounding the bac more or less consuming him. And Yann had convinced him to come to a party Arthur is throwing so they could blow off some steam for a night.
Lucas actually thinks he’s been dancing for two hours straight, going from song to song, but he’s not even tired. He probably has the several shots to thank for this surge of energy.
Yann and Arthur join Lucas back on the makeshift dance floor, each with a new drink in hand. Arthur does a sort of shimmy towards Lucas and Lucas lets out a loud laugh.
“Where’s Basile?” Lucas shouts over the music, one the guys make their way to him.
Yann rolls his eyes. “I have no idea. He said he wasn’t feeling well a little while ago so I thought he went to puke, but then apparently Alexia saw him going into the bathroom with Daphne, so it could be awhile before we see him again.” Yann raises his eyebrows and Arthur fakes a gag.
“Come on, let’s dance!” Lucas suggests, and so they do. They bust out all of their most embarrassing dance moves, and Lucas is pretty sure he even ends up on Yann’s shoulders at one point. How he doesn’t fall off and break his neck is truly a mystery.
A little while later, while Yann is jokingly grinding on Arthur and Lucas is desperately trying to capture the moment in a video, Arthur asks, “Hey Lucas, where’s Eliott?”
Lucas’ eyes widen. “Eliott!” They had come to the party together, of course. Lucas had been worried that Eliott would get bored, but Eliott had only told him not to worry, that Idriss would probably be there, since Imane usually drags him to these kinds of things.
But as soon as the alcohol’s effects had kicked in and the guys got him dancing, Eliott had disappeared completely.
“Shit, I’m gonna go find my boyfriend!” Lucas shouts towards Yann and Arthur, and he makes his way around the rest of the living room, searching for Eliott. He has no luck, and so he makes his way through the hallway, when he spots Eliott in the kitchen, leaned against the counter, talking to Idriss.
“Eliott!” Lucas cries as he runs to him, throwing his arms around Eliott’s neck and hugging him tight. Eliott lets out an “oof”, but he giggles and wraps his arms around Lucas’ waist. Lucas hears Idriss say “I’ll see you later” in a light tone.
Lucas pulls back and Eliott takes his face gently in his hands. “How are you, baby?”
Lucas surges forward and kisses Eliott deeply, pulling off with a loud smack. “I’m goooooood. I’m sorry, love, I didn’t even realize you disappeared and then I had to come looking for you, and I saw you in here from the hall,” Lucas explains, his voice uncharacteristically high from being tipsy.
“I’m surprised you even noticed me, with every other person in here checking you out on the dance floor,” Eliott jokes.
“I notice you all the time,” Lucas retorts, slurring his words only a bit, and he grips the collar of Eliott’s shirt, stumbling into him slightly. Eliott laughs. “I mean it. No matter how many people there are in my way, I always see you. You always stand out, and I always notice you.” Eliott tucks a piece of hair behind Lucas’ ear, smiling at him warmly. “You’re like, the light that shines in the middle of everything else.” It’s about as poetic as Lucas can get at this point in the night.
Eliott’s facial expression stills for a moment, and his eyes twinkle, reflecting all of the colorful lights that bounce off the walls. Then Eliott is smiling, bumping his forehead with Lucas’, rubbing their noses together. “God, you know, if we weren’t in a house full of other people I’d have to throw you over my shoulder and take you to the bedroom right now,” Eliott whispers in Lucas’ ear, making him shudder, and he feels more sober already.
Lucas bites his lip, looking at Eliott through hooded eyelids. “We can make that happen,” he mumbles. “Wanna get out of here?” Eliott nods so quickly Lucas thinks his head is going to fall off, and then Eliott’s dragging Lucas out of the flat, ignoring the whistles and calls coming from their friends. And they race down the street, through the chilly night, high on the promise of pleasure and drunk on love.
3
It’s been four days. That’s not even a long time, for most people. Ninety-six hours. 5,760 minutes. And Lucas has been counting every single one since Eliott left.
When Eliott had told Lucas that he, Idriss, and Sofiane were going to take a week-long trip to the mountains, Lucas had enthusiastically encouraged the whole thing, not realizing how long a week without Eliott would actually be. He had just wanted Eliott to be able to take a nice week off from work and relax with his best friends.
Since they had moved in together, Eliott and Lucas haven’t spent a single night apart. That’s four entire months of falling asleep with Eliott, getting accustomed to having someone else, that same comforting presence, in the bed with Lucas, every night.
And now it’s been four days, and Lucas feels like he’s coming undone. He gets through; he wakes up, he goes to school, he studies and hangs out with the guys. But it’s the times when he comes back to the flat and there’s no Eliott to greet him with hugs and kisses, no Eliott to eat dinner with, no Eliott to hold as he falls asleep. These are the harder times, when Lucas is completely and utterly alone.
It feels dramatic to think like that, because Eliott will be back in a few days, and Lucas isn’t truly alone, because he has his friends here and he can call or text Eliott whenever he wants. It’s just that, living together has made Eliott such a vital part of Lucas, and now that he’s not there, it feels like a piece of Lucas has been ripped away from him, leaving a gaping hole behind in its wake.
Lucas finishes making his ramen, which he tells himself is brain food, and he sits down at the kitchen table in front of his biology notes for what feels the millionth time. He props his head up in his hands as he waits for the ramen to cool down and he tries, he really tries, to focus on his notes about cellular respiration. But it’s nagging at his brain, this dreadful loneliness, and it’s too much. Lucas needs to hear his voice.
He picks up his phone from where he’s set it to the side in a weak attempt to keep himself from getting distracted, and finds Eliott’s contact, pressing call immediately. He stands up and paces around aimlessly, hoping Eliott will pick up.
It’s only two rings before he does.
“Lucas?”
That one word. That one sound from Eliott, and Lucas can already feel the weight being released from his chest. He holds his hand to his heart as he stops by the window, staring out at the rainy afternoon.
“Lucas, baby? Are you alright?” There’s an edge of concern in Eliott’s voice, even over the phone, and Lucas realizes he hasn’t even responded yet.
“Hi,” he breathes out. “Sorry, I’m fine. I just, I wanted to hear your voice.”
“Oh,” Eliott replies, and Lucas can hear the smile that must be forming on Eliott’s face. “Okay. Do you want to hear about my day?”
Lucas begins to nod eagerly, but then he remembers that Eliott can’t actually see him. “Yes, yes, please.”
Eliott chuckles on the other line. “So Idriss suggested we go to this club…” Eliott starts, and it turns into a very elaborate story of Idriss trying to get some girl while pretending the three of them were Swiss diplomats, and to all of their surprise it actually worked, but then the girl started to speak to him in Swiss German and Idriss had gone completely blank. The story ended with a martini being tossed in Idriss’ face.
“Jesus,” Lucas laughs. “That poor guy really is desperate, isn’t he?”
“Aw, give him a break. His two best friends are in relationships and he constantly has to hear me wax poetic about you every chance I get. Sofiane is a bit more subtle than me, if you hadn’t guessed.”
Lucas’ heart fills with warmth, and he feels his eyes brimming with tears. He sniffles without meaning to, and immediately Eliott catches it.
“Are you okay?”
Lucas exhales a shaky breath, willing his tears not to fall. “I miss you so much.” And it’s all he can get out before he feels a tear slide down his cheek. “I’m so glad that you’re having fun with your friends, because you deserve that, and I want you to be happy. But it’s so hard being here alone, Eliott. This is our home, not just mine, and it feels so empty without you. I feel empty when you’re not here.”
There’s a pause, and Lucas panics, thinking he’s gone too far. He’s about to apologize when Eliott speaks.
“I miss you too, Lucas, so much. We haven’t spent this much time apart in a long time, so it’s really weird. But I’ll be back so soon, baby. And when I get back, neither one of us is going to leave the flat for seven days straight just to make up for this,” Eliott says, and Lucas laughs through his tears. “I think we didn’t realize how hard this would be, huh?”
“No. And it’s the little, simplest things I miss. I just miss seeing your face, holding your hand, touching you,” Lucas says softly. “God, I can’t wait until you get back.”
“I can’t wait either. Just three more days, baby. I’ll be back and in your arms before you know it.”
Lucas sighs fondly without realizing it. He curls up on the couch with a blanket, imagining it’s Eliott who’s covering him, and they talk for hours more, until one eventually falls asleep to the quiet sound of the other’s voice, lulling him to a peaceful rest.
4
When Eliott is depressed, there’s not really much Lucas can do, and it kills him. His first instinct always used to be to flutter around Eliott and make sure he’s alright, but he’s quickly learned that that’s the absolute worst thing he could do. So he usually resorts to just being there, a hopefully calming presence for Eliott while he goes through his episodes.
That doesn’t really make it any easier, though. Eliott still gets depressed, and he still gets angry, and he still loses every ounce of sunshine that usually radiates from him every day. And that’s the worst part; Lucas can take any snappy remarks or doors slammed in his face that Eliott has to give him, but seeing Eliott in such a void state, feeling so indescribably hopeless, that’s the worst. Because to Lucas, Eliott should never have to feel anything but sheer joy, and he doesn’t deserve to go through the shit that he does.
Eliott’s been in bed for five days now. He’s not the worst Lucas has seen him, but he’s unwell enough that he’s had to skip his classes and Lucas had to call the video store to let them know Eliott couldn’t come to his shifts.
Lucas had been able to tell that a depressive episode was coming on. There’s usually signs like this; Eliott becomes withdrawn, not as talkative as usual, not as touchy as he normally is. And Lucas doesn’t say anything during this time, because he knows it would just bother Eliott, but it’s sort of a way for him to mentally prepare for having to see Eliott like this.
Like this, a motionless lump on their bed, with a head full of cloudy thoughts. Lucas leans against the doorway to their room, watching Eliott sleep as he’s faced away from him, his body rising and falling as he breathes.
Lucas knows it’s probably been a long time since Eliott ate anything, since he never willingly gets anything for himself to eat while he’s depressed, and the small bits of food Lucas has left for him on his nightstand have mostly gone untouched. Lucas remembers that there’s a certain pasta dish that Eliott really loves, and he thinks to himself that, even if Eliott doesn’t eat it he’ll at least appreciate the gesture.
Lucas had never been anything special in the kitchen, but with Eliott as his boyfriend he’s usually the one doing the most cooking, so he’s actually become quite good at making things up on the spot. He turns on some music and keeps the volume low so he doesn’t wake Eliott, and he starts boiling the water for the pasta, leaning against the counter as he waits.
Sometimes Lucas thinks back to the first depressive episode Eliott had had when they were together, when he had tried to convince Lucas that they shouldn’t be together. Lucas remembers Eliott’s glassy eyes, trying so hard to let Lucas go, even though Lucas had been all in from the moment he found him under that bridge.
What Eliott had warned him about that day, all of those things happen, but it has never really fazed Lucas. He knows Eliott sees himself as this huge burden, but really, taking care of Eliott is Lucas’ favorite thing to do, in whatever form that takes. It’s a way for Lucas to show Eliott that he’ll always be there for him, no matter how undeserving Eliott thinks he is.
Lucas starts on the pasta and tries to throw together the sauce that they’ve had at restaurants before, making it the best he can with what they have in their kitchen. He can’t say it’s the best meal he’s ever made, but he hopes Eliott will want to have a few bites.
He puts the plate of pasta on a tray with a glass of water and walks over to their room, where he finds Eliott lying on his back, awake, staring at the ceiling. Lucas swallows the lump that immediately forms in his throat.
“Eliott?” He says quietly. Eliott slowly turns his head towards Lucas, blinking when he sees him standing there with the food.
“What’s that?” Eliott asks, and his voice sounds like rough gravel from disuse. His expression is the tiniest bit lighter than it has been the last few days, but his eyes are still hard around the edges, his jaw still tense.
Lucas looks down stupidly at the food, like he’s just remembered he made it. “Oh. I thought you might be a little hungry, so,” Lucas goes to sit on the opposite side of the bed, placing the tray down, “here, I made this for you.”
Eliott shifts his eyes to the food, not saying a word. Lucas prepares himself to hear an annoyed “I’m not fucking hungry, Lucas”, or even just for Eliott to turn his back to Lucas and fall asleep again.
“Is this the pasta from that one restaurant I really like?”
Lucas turns his head up to meet Eliott’s eyes, which have softened ever-so-slightly. He tries to resist the urge to leap forward and press kisses all over Eliott’s face at this tiny step towards feeling better.
Lucas clears his throat. “Yeah, I didn’t know exactly how they make it, so I just kind of guessed. But I tried it and I think it’s pretty good,” Lucas says softly, tracing his finger down Eliott’s shoulder.
Eliott presses his lips into a thin line, shifting his eyes between the food and Lucas. “You made this for me?”
“Yeah,” Lucas breathes out, hoping Eliott won’t take this as Lucas being overbearing.
But then, Eliott shifts and he’s sitting up, moving slowly, but moving, into a cross-legged position across from Lucas on the bed with the tray in between them.
“Thank you.”
The corners of Eliott’s mouth turn up a tiny bit, and Lucas’ heart soars.
“You’re welcome,” Lucas whispers, and he smiles gently back at Eliott. “Do you want to try it?”
A labored expression crosses Eliott’s face as he takes a breath. “I’m not going to be able to finish all of this, Lucas.”
“Well, that’s why I brought two forks. We can share. I’m certainly wasn’t going to let you eat this five-star cuisine that I made all by myself,” Lucas jokes.
This earns Lucas another smile from Eliott, and this time it reaches his eyes. “Okay.” He takes a fork, and Lucas takes his, and they eat in silence, drinking in the feeling of really being together for the first time in almost a week. And later that night, when Eliott curls into Lucas instead of away, he makes a mental note to try and remember every ingredient he used in the pasta to store away for future occasions.
5
It’s one of those days where the sun is shining, but not too brightly, and there’s a breeze, disrupting the mellow Paris heat. Lucas and Eliott don’t have a balcony in their flat, but they’ve had all of the windows open all day, feeling the warm sun hit their skin and smelling the fresh air.
It had been Eliott’s idea to go on a picnic. He’s always coming up with dates for the two of them to go on, and this time he had burst into their flat with a load of snacks from the grocery store, grabbing a blanket and announcing to Lucas that they were going to go have a picnic by the Eiffel Tower.
“But the Eiffel Tower is so cheesy,” Lucas whines as they’re making the walk from the metro station, swinging his and Eliott’s intertwined hands between their bodies. “There’s gonna be way too many tourists and we’re gonna be interrupted a million times by people asking us to take their picture, you do know that, right?”
Eliott chuckles and adjusts his grip on the blanket and bag of snacks, which he’s balancing with one hand. He had refused to let Lucas carry anything. “Lucas, have any of my dates ever disappointed you?”
“Well, no,” Lucas mumbles.
“Well then this one won’t either, baby,” Eliott says and he brings their joined hands to his lips to kiss the back of Lucas’ hand.
They arrive to the vast spread of grass in front of the tower, and Eliott spreads the blanket out onto the ground, taking a seat and patting the spot next to him for Lucas to sit beside him. Lucas does, blushing and nudging his head into Eliott’s shoulder before smiling up at him. The way the sun is shining from right behind Eliott, it makes him look angelic. It’s fitting, Lucas thinks.
“Alright, this is nice, I admit it. You’re the perfect boyfriend, so you plan the perfect dates. Why haven’t I learned this by now?”
Eliott laughs and takes Lucas’ face in his hands. “I forgive you, baby. My level of charm takes a while to get used to.”
And before Lucas can retort, Eliott’s kissing him, pressing their lips together firmly, and Lucas’ mind goes completely blank. He fists the front of Eliott’s shirt, kissing him back, smiling as he does so, and his teeth bump against Eliott’s.
Eliott breaks away from the kiss and grabs the bag of food, emptying it all out onto the blanket. “Alright. So here today, we’ve got a spread of potato chips, various types of gummy candy, and four different kinds of Oreos. And also an orange I bought for nutritional value. Will this suffice?” Eliott says in his fanciest voice.
Lucas holds back a laugh, and he tilts his chin up to play along with Eliott. “I think this will do just fine, monsieur Demaury.”
They spend the afternoon there, lazily eating their snacks, switching from sitting up to laying down side by side, to having one’s head in the other’s lap. It doesn’t matter that there’s loud tourists everywhere; in their little bubble, it’s complete peace. That’s the feeling that Eliott always gives Lucas; the most amazing feeling of tranquility, erasing all of his worries about anything else in the world.
When it’s reached sunset, Eliott is laying on his back with Lucas laying on his stomach, pretty much completely sprawled out on Eliott’s body. Eliott is lazily dragging his fingers through Lucas’ hair, and it feels so good that Lucas feels like he could just fall asleep like this, with Eliott’s hand in his hair, the late sun warming his skin, and Eliott’s eyes right on his own.
Lucas takes his pointer finger and traces it around Eliott’s face, across his cheekbones, down the bridge of his nose. He runs the pad of his finger along the bone just beneath Eliott’s eyebrow, against his jaw, and he traces his parted lips. He takes his finger off Eliott’s face, and he smiles.
“What was that?” Eliott asks, amused.
“I was taking a mental snapshot. Of this, of you, right now. I didn’t want to forget it.”
Eliott inhales, and his hand stills in Lucas’ hair momentarily. “Oh,” Eliott whispers. Lucas smiles at him from where his head is resting on his hands on top of Eliott’s chest.
“I was thinking, a while ago,” Lucas starts to say, “I wish I had known you sooner.”
“What do you mean?”
Lucas takes a moment to think, distracted by Eliott’s hand in his hair, before continuing on. “I mean, I wish we had met sooner. Because, before you, I was the most unhappy I had ever been. I was lonely, I was angry, and I was just so hopeless. I never thought that my life would be what it is now.” Eliott smiles, and it motivates Lucas to keep going. “Right now, and every moment since we got together, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. Sometimes I just wish you had come along a little sooner so I could have had more of this, for longer.”
Eliott removes his hand from Lucas’ hair and wraps his arms tightly around Lucas’ body, rolling them over so they’re laying on their sides, facing each other.
“I think,” Eliott says softly, “I think we met at the most perfect time. I think I came into your life exactly when you needed me, and I know you came into my life when I needed you.”
Lucas bites his lip, smiling. “You think?”
Eliott nods, pressing a kiss to the tip of Lucas’ nose. “I do. And in another universe, I probably did show up earlier, or whenever that Lucas needed that Eliott most.”
“Hm. So you’re saying you magically knew when you had to swoop in and save the day, huh?”
“I’m saying we were already meant for each other before we met.”
Lucas’ breath hitches, and he shakes his head in disbelief as his eyes grow wet with tears. He holds Eliott’s face gently with his hand, and he leans forward, kissing him lightly on the lips, then on the nose, then on his cheeks, forehead, and chin, making Eliott giggle.
He then snuggles into Eliott’s chest, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist, feeling Eliott do the same thing to Lucas, and they melt into each other, like two perfect puzzle pieces.
“Perfect boyfriend,” Lucas whispers right above Eliott’s heart, and the sun passes the horizon, coating the sky in deep indigo as Lucas falls asleep to Eliott’s steady breath and the feeling of absolute bliss.
+1
“Lucas, come here, listen to this.”
Eliott’s on the couch with his feet on the coffee table, reading some book that Lucas couldn’t understand even if he tried. Eliott’s always finding obscure books in random bookshops and he takes them home and tears through them in mere days, even though they’re usually about philosophical concepts that would make Lucas want to pull his hair out. But this is Eliott, and his brain can comprehend so much more than Lucas’ scientific one.
Lucas sits down on the couch, swinging his legs over Eliott’s lap, peering at the book Eliott is in the middle of. “Cosmic fragments, by Heraclitus,” he reads the title. “Sounds like a real page-turner.”
Eliott doesn’t even take Lucas’ sarcasm. “It is! I’ve never read something quite like this, it’s completely fascinating. And look, someone wrote this in the margin: ‘The meaning of the river flowing is not that all things are changing so that we cannot encounter them twice but that some things stay the same only by changing.’” Eliott throws his hands up in the air like he’s had a breakthrough, and Lucas tries to hold back a snicker; it’s so adorable when Eliott gets excited about things like this. “God, Lucas, isn’t that just brilliant?”
Eliott’s eyes are bright as he looks at Lucas, waiting for him to get as enthusiastic as him. But Lucas only smiles and brushes Eliott’s hair back from his forehead where it’s grown messy, probably from Eliott running his hand through it one too many times.
“You’re so fucking weird,” Lucas says, but Eliott’s smile only grows. Then, Lucas adds, in a softer voice, “I love you so much.”
Eliott sets the book aside and cups Lucas’ face in his hands, bringing him in for a slow, deep kiss, and Lucas grips Eliott’s wrists tightly, pressing back onto Eliott’s lips.
“I love you, too,” Eliott whispers into Lucas’s mouth in between kisses, pushing Lucas back slightly until they’re lying down on the couch, with Eliott snug between Lucas’ legs.
And as Eliott kisses down from Lucas’ lips to his cheek, his jaw, his neck, and his collarbone, Lucas takes it all in, all of the love that Eliott has to give him. Because Lucas is going to give it all right back to him, right now, tomorrow, and for the rest of their lives.