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The mansion was utterly silent except for the soft footfalls of a single person. Nathalie didn't think she could ever say how many times she had walked down these halls. Even when she was only a guest, she would explore every floor in an endless search for something. She never could figure out what could fill that nagging hole in her life.
Her fingers brushed the wall, the ring on her finger catching the moonlight that shone through the windows opposite her. Even now she still found herself surprised to see it there. Gabriel had been so sneaky when he was designing it that he’d managed to assess the exact ring she wanted without ever alerting her to what he was doing.
As she neared the room she had been heading for, she felt herself fill with a joy like no other. If her past self could see her now, what would she say? She opened the door as quietly as she could and slipped inside. A few rays of moonlight were creeping in through the curtain and focusing on the middle of the room like a spotlight. She walked forward and looked down. Even in the dim light, she could make out the expert craftsmanship of the cradle. Gabriel had it built special just for them, insisting that his child deserved only the best.
Movement caught her eye as the baby beneath her stirred. She smiled and bent down to grab her. She kept her wrapped in a blanket as she held her close.
“Hi there little one,” she cooed. “Looks like you might be a night owl just like mommy.”
She lightly bounced the bundle in her arms and hummed an old lullaby, watching as two grey eyes fought to stay open. The words were long forgotten, but the song still had its effect and it had quickly become her go-to when she found how easily it put little Sophia to sleep. She walked to the window and pushed the curtain aside. The garden below was just beginning to bloom with the springtime approaching. In a month or so there would be a valley of roses down there and the smell of flowers would surely fill the mansion’s halls.
“You know your father had those planted for me. I remember being half asleep one morning when he started asking me about the things I liked. I just wanted him to leave me alone, so I rambled off about some of my favorites before shooing him away. A few hours later, I woke up and there were people outside planting rose bushes.”
She knew her daughter had no idea what she was saying, but she liked to talk to her all the same, and it was looking like she wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon. She’d read up on the benefits of talking to babies when she was pregnant and she hadn’t stopped since then. Whenever she got the chance, she’d speak to her. Even if it was just about the weather or how her shoes were killing her, her daughter was her most popular audience member.
“I know you don’t know anything about flowers, but maybe you will. You could be a botanist or a florist. You could even be a gardener. Perhaps you’ll have one just like this when you’re all grown up with a house of your own.”
Sophia gurgled in response causing Nathalie to grin. The love she felt when Sophia did anything…it was incredible. She remembered when she was 5 months pregnant and had found herself crying in Gabriel’s arms about how she didn’t think she’d be a good mother. It was terrifying to think that she would give birth to her baby and not instantly fall in love with her. There were so many cases of that happening and it was never a sure shot. Her husband had soothed her worries all the same and 4 months later she found herself crying at the mere sight of the tiny baby.
She laughed under her breath. “Sophie, you have no idea what I’ve been through. My life has surely been a rollercoaster, but it hasn’t been all bad. You, my darling, have made all the difference. Having you was one of the best things that could ever happen to me. I can’t believe I once feared that I wouldn’t love you enough. Now I find myself overflowing with it.”
With a finger, she swept an errant black hair behind her ear, but before she could pull her hand away, she felt her daughter’s hand wrap around it.
“Are you holding Mommy’s finger? Is that what you’re doing?” she cooed, trying to ignore the small feeling dread creeping inside her.
It's ok to play with your daughter, she thought.
Sophia held on as Nathalie used it to tickle her little nose. The baby giggled, the joyous sound quelling her anxiety somewhat. Another giggle sounded from behind them and two arms wrapped around her waist. Nathalie didn’t even have to turn around to know who it was. She merely leaned her head back into that familiar broad chest.
“What are you doing up so late, Nat?” Gabriel whispered.
“I couldn't sleep and neither could she. It’s the bond we have.”
“And what of our bond? I couldn't understand why I was tossing and turning until I went to grab you and found only sheets. Your presence is the only thing that can soothe me into a restful sleep.”
“You looked pretty calm when I left. I didn't think you’d be so broken up by me leaving for a few minutes.”
“Well I was,” he whined.
It was crazy to think that she was one of the only people that got to see this side of him. His arms around her tightened as he nuzzled his face into her hair. She didn’t know how long it was that they stayed there, but enough time passed to make the baby fall back asleep. Nathalie let herself slip deep into her thoughts.
“Gabriel?” she asked.
He barely stirred as he replied with a quiet “Mmmm.”
“Do you ever think about having another child?”
She could feel his chest buzz as he uttered a deep laugh. “Nathalie of course I do, but we just had this one 4 months ago. Can’t you wait a bit?”
“I wasn’t saying we should try now, but…I don’t know. I’d always had dreams of having a family when I was young. Then somewhere along the way, I buried them down in order to focus on work. Now that I have you, Adrien, and Soph, they’ve suddenly come back. I find myself dreaming of us having more kids. Perhaps another son…”
“It sounds wonderful and I will make that dream of yours come true, as I have with all the others.”
His words were nothing but positive, but they still caused a sinking feeling in her chest. She looked down at the now sleeping infant
"You do too much for me already.”
“On the contrary, I don’t do enough.”
She sighed and pulled herself out of his grip, walking back to the crib to put Sophia back. They were silent as they left, eager to not wake her with their conversation. The door had just shut behind her when he spoke again.
“You know I meant that. I spent years ignoring what was right in front of me. Even before everything with the miraculous, I didn't treat you as well as I should have. Now that we're here, I finally have the chance to make up for all of that."
"And I completely understand. I just find it hard sometimes to believe this is all real. I still think that I'll wake up one day and you won't be mine. That Sophia-"
"No," he said, grabbing her hands in his. "Don't even say it. Sophia is our daughter and nothing is going to change that. You and I created life, Nat. She's proof of that."
She looked up at him just to see the love he bore for her. It was plain as day on his face. It shined in his beautiful eyes. So why did it scare her?
"I'm sorry."
A single tear rolled down her cheek before his finger stopped it like he always did. He kissed her softly and pulled her into a hug, letting his fingers rub up and down her back.
"Don't be sorry. I understand. You spent so long trying to convince yourself that you were nothing and now you find it almost impossible to forget. Healing takes time, but I know you'll be okay. Just like the effects of the peacock miraculous, these feelings will be gone completely one day."
"How are you always so hopeful about everything? After all that's happened?"
"How could I not be? I repaired my relationship with my son. I married the love of my life. I had a beautiful daughter with said love. Life does get better."
"But when? We've been married for over two years and there are still days when I feel like this. We have conversations long into the night that leave me feeling hopeful, but then a few weeks later I'm crying and wondering why I ever deserved to be happy. I don't want to have these thoughts. I don't want to look at my baby and wonder if her life would've been better if she had a different mom."
"I know darling. I know. You don't see what I see though. You have gotten so much better over time. I swear it. I remember when you used to have nightmares and you'd wake up screaming and shaking. I remember the days when you'd throw your ring at me and try to push me away. I remember all the times you tried to tell me how unworthy of me you were. That's all gone now."
"I suppose," she whispered.
"And Sophia. God, has she been a blessing to us in more ways than one. You're the most amazing mother and I've never seen you so happy before. Even when we got married, you were never filled with so much joy and hope for the future. As little as a year ago, I don't think we could have ever been in the position where we could discuss having another child. You have improved so much and I am so proud of you."
"I'm so sorry."
She sniffled as more tears came. She didn't even know if they were happy or sad, but she could guess it was somewhere in between. It was true that she'd been improving. She'd felt it every single day, but she hated the fact that she still had moments of uncertainty and doubt.
"I'm so sorry, my love. You don't deserve to have to put up with this. You're not a therapist. You are my husband and you shouldn't have to talk me through all of my issues."
"Shhhh. First off, there is nothing for you to be sorry for. And secondly, I'm not acting as a therapist. I'm comforting my wife. I am being your rock as you are mine. Surely there's no rules that say I can't do that."
"But…"
"No buts. I'm more than happy to sit with you through the tears and the pain, especially since I know how amazing it's going to be once you get over all of this and I can't wait for the day I can see you be happy, without the fear of ever falling back into your self-doubt.”
She looked up at him. He looked so calm. It was surely this demeanor that helped her the most. He was always cool and collected when faced with her worst moments.
"What if it takes forever for me to finally get better?" she ventured.
"Then I shall spend a lifetime telling you how much you mean to me and how important you are to this family," he said as he kissed her cheek and watched her lips turn up into a small smile. "Now let's get you to bed."
Later when they were tangled in each other's arms and drifting off to sleep, she heard him ask her a question.
"Do you feel better?"
She nodded, pressing her face closer to the rhythmic lull of his beating heart. There used to be days when she'd shy away from touch like this. The guilt in her heart from being somewhere she didn't belong was too great. It would overpower her reasoning and cause her to flee from even the smallest acts of love. Now she felt herself clinging to him more and more. His embrace brought nothing but warmth and comfort. He made her feel safe.
"Good. I can't stand it when you're upset."
"Could say the same for you, Gabe."
She felt the ghost of his lips on her ear. Physical touch really was his love language and she adored it.
"I love you," he said.
"I love you too."
"I love you more."
She smiled. "I love you most."