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Is it cold? No, freezing. It feels empty. Are you alone? There's this feeling of searing pain along with the bitter taste of salty tears; the feeling of iron crushing against brittle bone and exposed skin. Ripping, tearing, splitting. Over, and over, and over. What are fingers? What are toes? What's that? Can you hear? Just take in that unbearably strong scent of copper, count the ways backwards from what seems like forever by sevens, and don't forget to laugh. Laugh as genuine as it is empty. Are you going to die? Do you want to die? Who will kill you? Who will save you?
- - -
Awakened with a brow beaded with sweat, the young man with winter hair sat up in his bed. Rubbing his temples, he let out an exhausted sigh. It's not the first time that nothing but darkness would speak those words to him. Even in sleep he was not able to forget the torture that was brought to his body and mind. He checked his fingers and toes, rotating his hand to examine them and lifting his legs in order to get a clear viewing; the skin was still very raw and still healing. He knew it was because he hadn't eaten yet, but he didn't feel ready to. It had been weeks, yet there was still no feeling of hunger.
Shifting his weight, he moved to the edge of the bed and sat for a moment, still stuck in thought, before standing up and teetering towards the door of his room. Before he could completely walk out the door, he stopped and leaned back in to check the time. It was late, half past three in the morning. Everyone was fast asleep by now and already adjusted to their new rooms. He was mostly thankful that Hinami felt comfortable in her new living condition.
Leaving his thoughts once more, he walked down the stairs; hand sliding against railing despite the slight discomfort on his fingers. He wondered what he would be doing again this time. Which book should he read? He was running out of novels that he hadn't already read once or twice (some occasions even more than that). Perhaps a trip with Hinami to one of the local bookstores was in order?
Passing by the living room, he stopped in his tracks when seeing a hulking figure hunched on the couch, face buried in their hands. "Banjou-san?"
There was no answer nor was there a physical response. He stayed where he was, unfazed by being called. There was a look of pain in Banjou's expression, as if deep in a distressful thought. Backstepping a few paces so that he was standing behind the couch, he leaned his head forward slightly before reaching to touch the large man's shoulder. "Hey, Banjou-san...?"
Banjou felt as if slapped from his daze. Jerking with surprise, Banjou nearly fell off to the side of the couch, looking to him with a fearful expression. "Shit--! Oh. Hey, Kaneki..." He stated with a fright, yet diving into a mumble once realizing who was next to him. "Can't sleep, huh?"
Kaneki tried to put on a happy expression; he was always gifted at faking it. "Ah, unfortunately... You can't either?" he inquired, walking around the couch to sit once Banjou beckoned him to do so. He was answered with a sigh.
"Nope. I don't know if it's just the new place or the damn bed, but there's almost no way I can sleep." He rubbed the back of his neck like he always did when he felt embarrassed, "Heh, I can't really fit in the one I got anyways."
Placing his hands in his own lap, Kaneki couldn't help but give an almost tired laugh, "We should switch then. Mine is one size too big for me," he replied cheerfully, before reverting to concern, "But that isn't what's bothering you I'm sure. What's wrong, Banjou-san? You didn't answer when I called you the first time."
Banjou turned his head away from him and looked down. The look on his face changed relatively fast to a saddened one. No, not saddened: ashamed. "It's... hard to talk about, Kaneki..." he muttered, trying to wiggle his way out of confrontation.
"I know and I understand. I won't force you," Kaneki assured him. He didn't look away, showing that he had his full attention. Banjou was quiet for roughly around a minute before slowly adjusting himself on the couch, turning not only his head but his lumbering body towards Kaneki.
"Alright..." Banjou started, as if sounding defeated, "... I can't stop thinking about what happened. You know... back when we were stuck with the Aogiri Tree." Kaneki figured as much, but nodded, listening to what he had to say. "Everyone in my group was a prisoner. They didn't deserve that life. I can't stop thinking about them... I can't stop thinking about how I couldn't save them because of how much of a weak leader I am!"
When Banjou began to tremble a bit, Kaneki placed a hand on his as a sign of comfort, assuring him that it was okay to continue. "I couldn't save Moku, I couldn't save Tetsu, and even when I thought I could save Kouto and Kei-san... in the end, it came down to being my fault. I was weak; I wasn't fit to be their leader. I was just as powerless then as I am now."
Kaneki rubbed his thumb, still incredibly coarse, against the top of Banjou's hand, watching him lift it up to his face to try and stop himself from crying. "I told you to give that burden to me. I won't let the weight of being leader rest on your shoulders anymore."
Banjou removed his hand from his face and reached to touch Kaneki's. Large fingers lightly traced against Kaneki's wrist, before lifting his hand up and cupping it between his bigger ones. "You did tell me that, but I still can't forget what happened to them, or to you," Kaneki looked up when he was brought up into the conversation, "Yamori tortured you... For ten days, Kaneki. Ten fucking days, he hurt you and tried to break you! Your hands practically gave up healing; look at them!" He exclaimed in a hushed tone, making sure to not raise his voice and wake up the others.
Hearing his voice laced with rage, choked behind him holding back his sobs, he shakily stroked the skin of Kaneki’s hand that wasn't tender, feeling the palm of his soft hand with his thumbs, one of his indexes rubbing at the back. "Just knowing that I was in the area and couldn't do anything… and then having the nerve to assume you were safe when you found us! I just... I'm so sorry, Kaneki."
"Banjou-san..." Kaneki spoke softly, seeing him increasingly become more and more upset. When tears began to leave his eyes, Kaneki, touched his arm with his free hand. What else could he say? That it was okay? It wasn't; none of it was.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," Banjou repeated, lifting Kaneki's hand that he held to his lips. He began to kiss each finger with careful intent, his lips surprisingly gentle and soft. "Your poor hands..." he wearied, a few of his tears dripping onto the top of the pale extremity.
Kaneki's eyes softened, along with earning himself a saddened expression. He had no idea Banjou was this worried, even though he's here and alive now.
Slowly pulling his hand from Banjou's trembling ones after the eighteenth peck on a finger, Kaneki shifted his position to where he had his knees on the couch sitting up. He scooted close to the heavy-hearted man and wrapped his arms around his torso as much as he could. Despite his size, Kaneki was strong, and made sure to wrap Banjou in a tight embrace. His hands planted on his back, rubbing up and down in a slow and calming motion. "It's alright to cry, Banjou-san. I'm here for you, just like you’re here for me."
Banjou quivered after hearing his heartening words and was unable to stop himself from breaking down into soft sobs. He made sure not to curse, not to make too much noise, and quickly enveloped the young half-ghoul in a hug. He buried his face into side of Kaneki's neck, who could feel it getting wet from his tears. This was a sign of sorrow, but also of great relief. Kaneki's words made him feel at ease. After all that had happened to him, Kaneki still thought of others before himself.
Kaneki made sure to hold Banjou for as long as he needed, speaking soft-spoken words of assurance to soothe him through his sobs. His tears would eventually end with Kaneki moving them away with soft kisses; Banjou's cheek feeling the soft warmth of his lips helped him calm down even more.
"T...Thank you, Kaneki," he mumbled, "I'm... sorry you had to see me like that."
Kaneki shook his head, "Don't be. Your feelings are completely valid, and I understand your pent-up anxiety. You're more than just a 'shield'." he ensured.
"Thanks, I'm feeling alright now. You can ease up on this death grip you have on me," he teased with a laugh, wiping away the last of the tears left behind as Kaneki slowly pulled away from the embrace with a flustered smile on his face.
"I still don't feel any more tired than I did before... What do you usually do when you stay up this late?" he asked.
Banjou thought to himself for a moment, "Well, I usually try to practice reading one of your books that you recently finish, but they are usually too hard so..."
Kaneki couldn't help but give him another smile, "Are you asking me to read to you, Banjou-san?"
As if caught in an act, Banjou laughed again and scratched the side of his face, a soft tint of red appearing on his cheeks, "If you want."
"Of course I would." He leaned forward to check which books were on the table and picked the one that was already opened. It seemed a little beat up; must've been one of the older novels he read back before he attended the university. "Since you seemed to have already attempted this one, I'll help you with the words as I read. Ready?"