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“Adora?”
“Yeah?”
“I have something to say, but I think it might hurt your feelings.”
“Wow, Catra. You really have changed,” you joke. She gasps in a specific way that you have grown to understand means ‘I am acting especially dramatic for humorous effect but you really did surprise me’ and thumps her fist into your shoulder. Laughing as you rub the grievous injury, you turn your head to look at her.
The two of you are lying together in your room back in Bright Moon, squeezed into your little bed. Glimmer had offered you a bigger one, but you turned her down. If you are ever going to regret that decision, now isn’t the time to start. You can feel Catra’s weight pressed up against your back, her left arm draped over your waist and holding you close to her. You two are supposed to be sleeping, obviously, but something is keeping her up -- also obviously. A restless Catra has been intermittently placing soft kisses against the nape of your neck, the curve of your shoulders, your spine, all throughout night, unconsciously timing it just right so that whenever you are finally about to fall asleep she sends your heart rate skyrocketing again.
The mattress creaks under your weight as you shift, gracelessly turning yourself around so you’re facing her. Another time to be grateful for your ‘pitiful, tiny bed,’ as Glimmer had called it. Your face is just inches from hers. She looks a little frustrated, her eyebrows drawn together and a slight frown on her face. You don’t bother fighting the urge to lean in and kiss her softly, and she doesn’t bother fighting you. You think, as you have thought every day, that you will never get used to having her like this. Here, safe, with you, happy. The smile that plays at your lips is bright, too bright for three in the morning, leaving Catra to look at you with questioning eyes. You feel yourself blush and hope it’s too dark for her to see it.
“What’s up with you?” Catra whispers, her hand finding yours. She plays with your fingers absentmindedly. You look down at that, smile softening.
“Nothing,” you mumble. “I just think I’m really lucky to be with you, that’s all.”
“Oh fuck, gross. You’re giving me cavities over here,” Catra groans quietly. She turns her head away in mock disgust at your sappy words, but you see the way the corner of her eyes wrinkle how they do when she tries to hide a grin. You press your face between her shoulder and neck, kissing her there. Then you lift your lips to her cheek, kissing her there. You bring a hand up to her face and guide her to turn her head toward yours.
“Look at me, Catra,” you whisper, managing to modulate your voice and sound deadly serious. Catra obliges, her eyes a little wide. You hear her take a deep breath and you wonder why you have so much fun fucking with her. “Catra, love, your heart… is like food to a starving man,” you start. Catra tries to scramble away from your cheesy words, but it’s another win for the small bed. You grab her wrists before she can get away, holding her hands close to your chest.
“When I look at you--”
“Stop.”
“I see nothing but beauty.”
“Oh my god, Adora, shut up,” she’s twisting around, trying to find some way out.
“You--” you’re laughing now, breaking concentration.
“Stop!”
“You remind me of sunshine, how it--”
“Shut the fuck up!”
“Make me.”
And, just like that, Catra is no longer trying to run away from you. She weaves her fingers through the hair on the back on your head, tightening her hand into a fist and pulling your face towards hers. She kisses you roughly and you allow yourself to savor this victorious moment. This game is almost too easy.
But, as cocky as you are in your head, you’re just as breathless as she is when she pulls away. Her eyes are dark and her cheeks are flushed and you know you look the same. For a moment, it seems like Catra is going to kiss you again, until she visibly decides otherwise. She settles, sinking a half-inch deeper into the mattress. She pulls a face that you would call a pout but never out loud because she would probably deck you for accusing her of that.
“You’re such a bitch,” she grumbles, folding her arms.
“Can’t I just express my feelings for you?” you ask, voice a confident imitation of innocent. Catra shakes her head.
“No. Never,” she says flatly, Her hands have found her way to your body again. She rubs circles on your hip bone with her thumb. “We hide our emotions, like civilized people.”
“Oh, yeah? What was it you wanted to tell me earlier, then?” you question. Catra’s lips pull into a tight smile. You guess it’s time to stop joking now. You cover her hand with your own. She’s silent for a while. You can see she is deliberating telling you at all.
“I don’t think I like the stars,” Catra finally states quietly, her eyes averted.
“Oh,” you offer up as your intelligent reply. You shake your head slowly, trying to clear the surprised idiocy out of your mind. Catra is still looking down.
“Sorry. I know you, like, pretty much created them or whatever,” she mumbles. You laugh a little and she looks up for just an instant before turning her gaze away again. You raise your hand up, lifting her chin with a hooked index finger. Her eyes are skittish, flitting about rapidly to avoid yours.
“That’s not really how it worked, you know that,” you say. “I don’t take it personally. My feelings aren’t hurt, Catra. Don’t worry.” Your assurance is enough for her to finally meet your eyes. Hers are a little wide, as if she’s shocked that you aren’t upset. Your heart pulls seeing how nervous she clearly was to express her opinion. Your memory flashes angrily to the childhood you shared, how she would be treated by authority figures for sharing her thoughts. You wish there was a way you could take away the fear she feels.
“Okay, uh, cool,” Catra stutters out. She nods once. “That’s it, then.” You stare at her a moment longer, debating if you should press further. Of course you should, you’re nosy.
“Why don’t you like them?” you ask, hoping she doesn’t hear your words as accusatory or anything negative like that. You watch her eyebrows fly up before quickly going back to a normal altitude and you know that she does, at least, at first. If she wouldn’t try to shout over you for being genuine, you’d tell her how proud you are of how much she’s grown since it all ended. She starts toying with the hem of your underwear, fingers brushing against the bare skin of your stomach.
“It’s stupid.”
“I’m sure it isn’t.”
“...they make me feel so small,” she mumbles quietly and you think you can see the glint of tears in her eyes and your heart kind of breaks for her.
“Oh, hey, it’s okay, don’t cr--” you start, moving to pull her into your chest. She pushes away from you.
“I’m not crying!” You hear her sniffle.
You’re unsure of what to do, really. You want her to elaborate on her feelings, but you don’t want her to be any more upset than she already is. You settle for propping yourself up on your elbows, moving around so you’re sitting up pretty straight with your back against your little bed’s little headboard. You pat your thigh and hope she knows what you mean. She doesn’t move.
“Come on, up,” you coax, trying to guide her gently. She goes pretty stiff, so you do the responsible thing and yank her into your lap. She lets out a short yelp.
“Sorry,” you whisper. Not really, though. Catra seems to relax a little as she settles in, head resting on your thigh. She loops her arm under your leg, bringing her hand up to your stomach. You take it in one of your own hands and use the other to scratch softly around Catra’s ears, like how you used to when you were younger. Her purring cuts through the quiet room. After a few minutes of beautiful, undisturbed peace, you’re too curious to avoid stirring the pot.
“Catra?”
“Hmph.”
“Will you talk to me more about why you feel that way? I don’t think I understand,” you ask tentatively. You really don’t get it. Catra’s purring stops as she turns her body, settling in a new position so she’s lying between your legs, looking straight up at the underside of your jaw. You try to maneuver yourself so you can see her face, but being against the headboard doesn’t leave you much wiggle room. You look down, allowing your neck to roll into a gorgeous quadruple chin. Most of Catra’s head is out of your sight, but you can at least catch the tired smile playing across her lips at your antics. You fight the urge to change your whole position so you can see her, figuring Catra might be more comfortable talking when she’s not really visible. Maybe she wouldn’t feel so vulnerable. Your hands fall to Catra’s shoulders, gently kneading the muscle there. God, she’s always so tense.
“Do you like them? The stars, I mean,” Catra asks quietly. As you stare straight ahead at the blank wall across your room, you wonder if you should lie to her. Or at least downplay your thoughts so she doesn’t feel alone. But you know that she can handle it.
“I love them,” you whisper, praying the awe in your voice doesn’t scare her away. She doesn’t move or anything, so you guess it’s fine. “I really do. When I look at them, they make me feel connected with all the other worlds out there, all the other people. It’s kind of scary to think about how much possibility exists in this universe, but I find it comforting, too. It reminds me that you’re never really alone, kind of. That maybe, while you look up at your stars and see the solar systems around them, someone out there is looking up at their own and seeing yours.” Catra remains silent, so you continue.
“I don’t know much about them, though. There’s a bunch of science shit that Bow and Entrapta tried to explain to me when things settled down after they appeared, but I didn’t care much to hear it. I remember that people would group stars together to make little pictures in the sky. They’re called constellations.” You begin to think that Catra has fallen asleep, based on her stillness. You wouldn’t blame her, it’s late. And you know she loves it when you rub her back like this. You decide to continue talking anyway, in case it was your voice that brought her rest.
“And I know I said it wasn’t like this, but I guess I do feel kind of proud when I look at them. Not really of myself, well, I mean, obviously a little of myself, but more just, like, a sense of pride over everything that happened. You know, how difficult the whole journey was. They kind of represent the strength of everybody who helped to bring them back. I think about Mara, really, when I look up at the stars. And She-Ra. But mostly Mara. Her sacrifice, her dedication. I spent a long time thinking that she did something wrong, that she stranded Etheria in Despondos because she snapped or turned evil or something. And, when I found out the truth, I grew to respect her so much. I don’t know if I would have had the power to do what she did, if it had been me in her shoes.
“I think about you, too. When I see them. For a lot of reasons. The corniest is that they remind of your eyes, how bright they are in the dark. But that’s stupid, I know. Mostly, they make me think about our lives. How we were together a long time ago, back in the Horde, just like how the stars were over Etheria before Mara. Then the stars were gone, like when we separated. When I… left you. They came back when you found me, when you helped me save the universe.
“You would never let me talk to you about this when you’re awake, so I’ll say it now. If you hadn’t been there, at the Heart, I wouldn’t have made it out of there. The failsafe would have worked, and everybody would still be saved, but I wouldn’t have been able to go on. All that magic shit that was happening, shit that I still don’t understand, really, it was way stronger than I thought it would be. You pulled me out of it, when you told me that you loved me. It was crazy, really. I thought I had already died. I saw a future with you, like I was in heaven. And I could hear your voice, through the pain. I think that when you told me how you felt it shocked me so much it got my heart beating again. How could I resist coming back to you, the real you, knowing that you wanted me like I’ve wanted you all this time? So, yeah, forgive me for loving the stars, but how couldn’t I, when that’s what I see when I look up at them? You, saving my life, saving everything. What’s not to love?”
You feel something warm drip onto your fingers where they rest by Catra’s collarbone. Before you can process it, Catra is speaking. Her voice is tight, full of emotion.
“What, are you some kind of writer now?” she chokes out with a laugh. You blush heavily as you realize she heard all that sappy bullshit.
“Fuck, I thought you were asleep!”
“No way, princess. I heard every word.” You prepare yourself for an onslaught of insults about your sentimental speech. Instead, you get this: “I really love you, Adora.” Your heart just about stops beating. You’ll never get sick of hearing that, you know it. Catra shifts slowly, pulling herself up until she’s facing you. She crosses her legs as you spread yours a little wider, giving her space to sit. Tears flow messily down her face, her breathing uneven. She wears the most unhappy smile and you instinctively reach out to her.
“Catra, hey…” you whisper as you bring a hand to her face, trying to wipe away some of the tears. She sniffles and laughs sadly, shaking her head. “What’s going on?”
“You’re so… good. You’re so good, Adora. I’m not like you, not like that. You know why I don’t like the stars?” Catra asks. Her voice has a sharp edge to it. You worry that she’s angry with you, but the sadness in her eyes is too clear to misconstrue. You shake your head slowly. She laughs again, bitter.
“They remind me of my failure,” she states simply. Her tears have stopped flowing now. You surge forward, taking her hands in yours and preparing to refute that statement to hell and back, but she cuts you off before you can begin.
“Stop, listen to me,” she says. Her voice is more clear now. “I told you, I feel small when I look at them. Like I’m nothing, compared to those sparkly pieces of shit.” You feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes, unable to handle hearing her speak so poorly about herself. You won’t dare to interrupt her, though, as much as you want to. “It’s huge out there. So much space, so much possibility, like you said. I look up there at night and it’s like every choice I have ever made and regretted is staring right back down at me. All, ‘look at this boundless opportunity, remember how you’ve wasted your whole life ruining yourself and the people you love?’ It makes me feel sick.
“I see you in the stars, like how you see me. But it’s different. So different. I see you from the day I met She-Ra, the day you asked me to come with you and I said no. I turned my back on you. I see you, the disgust in your eyes, as you looked at me after I opened Hordak’s portal. Hell, I see you at that stupid princess prom, wasting your night trying to track me down and stop me from doing bad things. I see every day in the Fright Zone when we were kids, where I would mistreat you and take advantage of your kindness because I was so scared and angry with my life. I see all the times I could have told you how I felt about you, how I’ve always felt. I was ready to tell you I loved you when we were fifteen. I don’t know why I threw away so much time we could have had together, waiting around for something to kick my ass into gear and force me to be honest with you.
“And… I see Shadow Weaver. Things that aren’t my fault, not my failures, but they still haunt me. She took so much of my life from me, you know? Made me afraid, made me weak. She taught me everything I needed to know about being evil. How to manipulate people, how to be ruthless, whatever it would take to win. She made me feel like I had a fight with you when I knew I didn’t, not really. If she hadn’t been there, ordering me to track you down and secure revenge on behalf of the Horde, I think I would’ve come to my senses much faster than I did. Like, way earlier. I probably would’ve gone back to Bright Moon to join you later that week, as soon as it really sank in how much I fucking missed you. But because she gave me that mission, I let my love turn into bitterness towards you. It was so stupid and so damn pointless. I just, I don’t know. I resent the stars, I guess. For being so patronizing and unforgiving in their showy display of opportunity.”
Catra doesn’t really look at you as she speaks. You manage to stave off the need to shut her up, slap her across the face so she can finally stop beating herself up, until she finishes her thoughts. She looks up at you briefly, eyes widening when she sees the look on your face. You feel furious, enraged that her life has been so difficult. You know that she’s done plenty wrong, but you also know that a great deal of it wasn’t really of her own volition. It makes you so, so angry to hear how full of regret she is. And you have no idea what to say, so you decide to do something, instead.
“Catra.” Your voice is hard, your face determined. You will make her understand your stars. “Come with me.”
You stand quickly from the bed, pulling Catra up by her wrists. She makes a noise of protest, but you ignore it. You root around your bedroom, gently tossing her an old shirt of yours and a pair of your pajama pants.
“Get dressed,” you tell her, slipping into clothes of your own.
“Adora, what? It’s so late, what--”
“Trust me,” you order, firmly placing your hands on her upper arms. You really hope she does. You help Catra dress, trying not to be rough as you pull her into her shirt. She barely has both legs in her pants before you take her hand, squeezing it once in yours and dragging her out the door.
The hallways of Bright Moon are colder than your room, the clean tile floors stinging your bare feet with their chill. Catra does an involuntary dance as the feeling hits her, too. You start walking forward quickly, Catra a step behind. You turn to look at her. It seems like the sadness has mostly left her eyes, replaced by confusion and frustration. That’s good, you think. Anything to distract from that horrible spiral of thoughts she was having. You have an idea.
“Race you!”
“Huh? Adora, aw, wait up!” But you’re already off like a bullet, the cool night air rushing around you as you sprint away. It takes her a second, but soon you hear the fast padding of Catra’s footsteps behind you, gaining ground quick. You round a corner, trying to throw her off.
“Come on, Adora! You’ll have to try harder than that!” Catra shouts out, barely looking over her shoulder as she rushes past you. You can see a little smile in her competitive spirit. She’s always been faster than you. Catra makes it most of the way down the hall before whipping around, stopping in her tracks. “Where are we going?” she asks you, not even winded. You wait to respond until you’ve run closer to her, not slowing down when you answer.
“Back garden,” you huff out between breaths. You surge ahead a little, but in a flash she’s back in front of you. She takes the next corner, the one you know leads right to the back exit. She’s kicking your ass, but you don’t care. As you follow up behind, you catch the last second of her throwing the wide double doors open. You hear her laugh triumphantly as you finally catch up. She’s standing in the middle of the garden, her arms spread wide over her head, eyes closed. You pounce on her, tackling her into the grass and laughing with her.
“Beat you,” she breathes out, a little sweat on her forehead. You smile widely down at her before rolling off next to her. You’re both lying on your backs about a foot apart, her eyes shut happily. You reach out and take her hand, closing the distance between you. The moons are dim tonight, making the stars clearly visible. Perfect.
“Okay, Catra. Open your eyes,” you direct, still a little breathless. You see her actually scrunch them closed further, clearly aware of what’s happening. You squeeze her hand and she soon obeys, opening her eyes very slowly as if afraid of what she might find.
The stars above are a bright pattern in the dark sky, pinpricks of light decorating the night. Catra gasps quietly at the sight.
“Not so bad, right?” you whisper, not wanting to break the calm that’s fallen over her. She shakes her head slowly.
“No,” she mumbles. “No, they’re really pretty.”
“I know. That one,” you start, lifting your clasped hands and uncurling your index finger to direct, “is Serenia. A constellation showing an ancient warrior.”
“Cool, what’s that one?” Catra guides your hands over to a long cluster of eighteen stars strung together. God, you should have learned more about constellations.
“Oh, uh, I don’t know. Serenia is the only one I’ve heard about,” you admit quietly, embarrassment coloring your cheeks. Catra laughs beside you, letting your hands drop back into the grass.
“It looks kind of like Scorpia, doesn’t it?” There’s wonder in Catra’s voice as she asks, confirming your belief that coming out here was a good idea.
“Yeah, kind of!” You turn your head to look at Catra, but she keeps her gaze in the stars. “Do you see what I see, now?” you ask, hopeful. Catra hums, but doesn’t respond.
“Opportunity doesn’t have to be scary,” you say. “When you look up there, I want you to see the future, not the past. Everything else you can do, everything else you can be, you know?” Catra turns her face towards yours, a soft smile on her lips. She nods.
“I kind of get it, yeah. Even if I didn’t, they’re still pretty interesting to look at,” she covers. You grin. You know it will take a while for her to be able to think about herself the way you do, but you’ll keep doing everything in your power to help her get there. You inch closer to her in the grass, extending your arm so she can curl into your side. She does so happily.
“Thanks for showing me,” she mumbles, eyes still searching the sky. You nod, feeling at ease knowing that she’s at least a little more content for the night. You’re letting yourself relax, considering falling asleep out here, when she interrupts your silence.
“Oh, look! There’s you!” she says excitedly, grabbing your hand and moving your finger with hers. She picks out a small bunch of stars, guiding your hands to draw a crude image in the air of a face with its tongue sticking out. You gasp in pretend shock, elbowing her in the ribs as she laughs at you. The stars reflect in her eyes, but her smile is so bright you can’t help staring at her.