Work Text:
A swing of the sword as it cut through the air and left nothing but a voice of space behind. The void filled rapidly, unable to be seen by the humans naked eye as air and oxygen filled the cut that the weapon left and once again returned to it’s normalized state. Another slash as the figure leaped and cut across the wooden surface of a dummy. Leaving a deep crack across the torso and chips smaller than fingernails flying off from impact. They seemed frozen in air, coating themselves in the pause of time before blasting to the left, bigger pieces making sand spread out and having a more noticeable impact.
The figure danced and glided across the sandy training grounds like a swan, careening its neck and spreading its arms out as if the person was going to take flight and leave the world it had created for itself. The darkness surrounding the swan was filled with the murk of alligators and spiders and wolves, all walking around, hanging above or swimming in the pleasant pond that was created. But the swan flew, dodging the blows of the wolves teeth as it’s sword would slash their throats and knock the bodies onto the alligators, taking them down as well.
Their hair was out of their face, tied behind them as once perfect feathers were that used to lay flat against the birds head, now wild and stuck with sweat. The figure would leap over the blows an opponent could deliver before stabbing the sword past the dummies shoulders like a swan going to bite the spider off of the web, swallowing it whole without it having a chance to bring the blood covered beauty to justice. The wood chips were the blood, and the spilling sand was the red stained water that washed over the swan’s delicate wings. It casted an image of the beat beneath, the one that was the mirage. The alligator struck, and the swan stumbled. A wolf dove and missed, crashing into the water and blood going into the swans eyes. It cried out, honking for help. It cried and cried as the alligator grabbed a wing and yanked it under, the water mixing with the swan's own blood as the wood chips stabbed into its neck and eyes.
Felix opened his eyes and noticed the blood in his mouth from biting his tongue, and then realized where he was. He was in the training ground, but he was no longer standing firm and tall as the strong stallion and lone wolf he was, but rather on the ground, sand on his legs. His sword was stabbed through the tough wooden dummy, but he didn’t remember piercing it. Did he? I couldn’t have been distracted. Impossible nonsense. I was so caught up in fighting that I must’ve ignored the fact I killed the enemy. Well, the dummy. Why am I on the ground? I must get up.
He got to his feet and noticed all the little pieces of wood on the ground, relieved that they were back to their normal state. No longer were they the teeth of the alligator or the eight legs of the poisonous spiders and bugs hanging from low branches and webs to trap the swan. They were once again normal. The sand was not blood coated, or trying to capture him in its depths with no escape. He was in the Monastery. He was in the middle of a war. Despite it all, he could be sure that he was… ok in this scenario.
I could not have been distracted, that’s preposterous. If I let something like that happen again, I may die on the battlefield. I am a great warrior, much better than many of my friends or the soldiers we fight. I am as tough as those manipulated demonic beasts the empire uses.
The beasts, he remembers them well. He remembers their first encounter with demonic beasts, natural ones at that. He was not very old, but he and Glenn had decided to go hunting in Northern Fraldarius territory in the forest, but unexpectedly entered the territory of some beasts. Giant mangy, salivating wolves. They had dirt brown fur, so coarse and spiked that he felt how hard and how tangled their locks must be from being beasts in the wild. They had underbites, yellow stains on their sharp white teeth engraved in his brain. Sharp claws and large hind legs made for a terrifying sight for little Felix. He watched from the safety of behind a tree as Glenn fended the two off they ran into. He wanted to be there beside his brother, wielding the powerful steel weaponry his brother commonly used in battle and when training in their territory outside of the house.
“Are you alright Felix?” Glenn had asked when the last one went back into the forest, snow snapping off of tree branches from bumping into one as it fled. Felix watched the last visible tuft of hair disappear into the snow and nodded, the image implanted already. Powerful creatures in solitude, fending those off of their territory. Strong enough to take down herds of cattle and a dozen armed soldiers. Yet he had watched his brother fend two of them off himself.
He nodded and put a hand to the tree, the snow moving from under his glove. “Yeah, I’m ok. You’re so strong.”
Glenn had laughed. His laugh… it wasn’t loud, but it was deeper than his voice. If you didn’t know how scary he could be to those he didn’t like, or how he really was, then you could mistake his laugh for a carefree, cheery man. It was full of heart, like he gave it his all every time. You could see his emotions and his personality manifest in his laughter. How his chest rumbled and how his left dimple dented into his cheek and he smiled. His eyes wouldn’t close, but they would squint. “You tell me that a lot! Well, if I wasn’t that strong, then I wouldn’t have been able to protect you.”
Protection. Protecting him and others. That was what Felix strived for. He wanted to be strong like Glenn, but stronger. He wanted to accomplish more than his brother, to prove that he is not just a soldier. Not just a man, but more than that. That’s why he had his tough persona. That’s why he refused to break down or let these confusing feelings get their grips on him. That’s why he would only train and rarely focus on anything but improvement. If he gave himself more time to falter and lower his guard, then he wouldn’t remain strong. He needed to stay strong. He needed no distractions. The less emotions he felt and the less he showed, the more he would improve.
He hid it all under harsh nicknames, and he hid it under distancing himself from everyone. He cared for them in his own way now, for under his harsh nature and insults was someone who wanted to stay close to those he cared for. Not loved, but cared for.
So why did he no longer feel like he cared for Sylvain?
Nothing changed between them. The redhead was still putting up his facade as the skirt chasing soldier. Then again, that spot was no longer reserved for him. Many soldiers were now driven by the thought of getting a lover who was amazed and in awe of their strength and bravery from participating in the war. Many tried sleeping with women during this time, not caring to know their names. They were maidens, and if the men were going to die in the next battle, then why should they think to know their names?
Felix could care less is he was sleeping with multiple ladies a week, all the same or all different. He didn’t care what the boar was doing with the professor. Lord knows how he stumbles over his feet to stand by her side and does what she suggests. Pathetic. He is hopelessly head over his curled pigs tail for her.
But as he walked back to his room, his gut twisted like there was a poison now in his system. This feeling wasn’t the kind leaves beneath his position and wall of thorns. This was a feeling like there were no thorns left, life someone took them and their hands were impaled on them as they were being ripped out of him. It was like his entire barrier was bashed through and he was left on the floor.
Felix opened his door and stepped in, throwing his sword to the side, his head pounding. Yes, he got headaches. But never to this extent. There was no Angelica tea nearby that he could make. It was already late, meaning the kitchens were likely barren and he didn’t know where the tea was after everyone abandoned the Monastery after the offense over five years ago. Were the tea bags in the same lower left hand cabinet in the third drawer, or where they moved? Did they switch places with the spices, or were the spices now sharing the spot with the non-perishables? Perhaps everything was moved.
The only reason the warrior knew where the tea had once been was back in school after Remire village. He had a raging headache, stumbling into the kitchen only to find the redhead sipping a cup of tea he prepared for himself in the kitchen.
“Hey Felix! You aren’t looking too well.” He pestered his blue-haired friend as he stayed where he was leaning.
“Don’t talk to me right now Sylvain,” Felix rolled his eyes and entered the kitchen, opening and propping the door open as he looked around. It wasn’t very big, since part of it was burnt down a month ago and still needed to be painted. Pans were in the largest storage area by the floor, under the main cabinets of supplies. An island was in the middle where people could cut and prepare food, and two fireplaces and stoves were built in.
He fuddled with the drawers before Sylvain walked in, put down his cup and grabbed Felix’s arm gently, shaking his head. Without saying a word, he opened the cabinet with the labeled packets of tea, backing up again.
“Just remember they are in there next time. What kind are you looking for, you never come in here to make things for yourself?”
“Oh, am I just not good enough to come here and do it myself? I have to have someone do it for me?”
“There you go twisting my words again. Cmon Felix, lighten up! I was just saying that I’ve never seen you come in here to make something,” he stretched his arms and watched as Felix purposefully covered the tag of the tea and prepared the water, snatching a cup. “Must be serious if you're in here.”
“If I tell you what it is, will you leave me alone?”
“Might as well.”
“I’m here because of a pounding headache Sylvain. I’m not here because I wanted to see you.”
“Ah! Your words wound me!” He dramatically said, leaning on his back and looking over his shoulders. He had his arms crossed on his head, leaving his chest and stomach open if Felix wanted him off, but he didn’t make a move. Instead, he let his friend lean over him and just focussed on his tea. If he wasted more time entertaining this jokesters games, then he would be having this headache much longer than desired. “You haven’t punched me yet…?”
“What, you want me to?”
“No not really, but it’s nice that you aren’t in the punching mood.”
Wait a minute. Is… this emotion hate? Do I hate him? Why do I hate him? I’ve felt this emotion before. This bubbly, jagged… thorny emotion! Why do I hate him? He sat down on the edge of his bed and looked at the door to his closet, confused. Out of the corner of his eye he saw his reflection in the mirror and gritted his teeth, bringing his hands to his hair. It was jumbled as if he was in a real fight, or like when he gets stressed. Am I stressed? Why do I feel hate?
He’s felt jealousy before, that emotion being more equivalent to the warm drip of blood on his hands. Jealousy had an odd sting to it that pulsed like a heartbeat, making his fists curl and his eyes squint at whatever was making him feel more negative than how he appeared usually. When was the last time I felt jealousy? Why am I feeling hatred this time instead of jealous? Felix put his hands to his sides, a frown appearing on his face. A genuine one.
Yes, he’s been jealous of Sylvain. How he was able to have such a carefree nature and go around, hugging his friends and putting up the opposite act to himself. How he acted so charismatic and so… well scratch that, he is naturally charismatic to a lesser extent, but nonetheless. Sylvain is rarely himself in front of strangers, especially girls he tried to impress. Yes, it’s lessened these days, but he remembered walking through the square and then ducking into an alley, watching him talk to a woman and feeling jagged lines of jealousy slither through his veins. Why was he jealous though? He had no reason to be.
I wanted to be that girl.
Did I?
No, I didn’t. But could it have been partially caused by that?
A knock came at his door and he stood up, putting down his mirror and going to the handle. He looked down at his hands, noticing that they were shaking. Nervousness. I can’t be nervous. It’s a door.
He opened it and furrowed his brow when he saw Sylvain at his door, slumped over and holding his hands together. “Sylvain?” Sylvain. Your name is like honey on my tongue when it should be sour cream.
“Can I come in? I need to uh… take a breather.”
“Your room is only a few doors down from mine. Go there.”
“No its-, I need a breather away from my room.”
Oh. That’s an odd request. He’s always seeken comfort and relaxation and these… breathers in the rooms of the next lady he hit on. “Come on in. Don’t touch anything.”
Sylvain nodded and walked inside, Felix shutting the door behind him and standing still, defensively. No one was allowed in his tight circle, his room. No one was allowed in his corners. Yet the redhead was sitting down on his rug now, hands on his head.
“What is it now?”
“Felix, do you still have nightmares about your brother?”
Glenn Glenn Glenn. His name rang in Felix’s head like a gong. The face of blood and anger and determination, only to be wiped away by an equally strong face. In the past, he didn’t feel sick when seeing the vision of him fighting his brother, but now it made him nauseous, because he saw him in place of the knight who killed him. Glenn. My brother. Deceased years ago. Protective and strong. I need to be him. “Why? What does it matter if I do or don’t?”
“Just wondering,” he mumbled under his breath and crossed his legs, leaning his head against Felix’s bedframe.
Don’t do that Sylvain. Don’t touch my stuff. He couldn’t say anything. It was like he had a muzzle on.
“I saw Miklan in my room. It was dark and cold, and I couldn’t breathe. I could barely breathe in the well that he threw me in. It was quiet, cold, and snowy. I saw that when I went in my room. I couldn’t get out. Everything faded into stones and I was looking up at his face,” he closed his eyes and let out a sigh. “I miss him sometimes. I don’t know why, but I do. No one cared about me, and even though I have so many people who maybe do now, I still can’t help but miss him.”
I care about you. Felix felt a lump caught in his throat as he watched Sylvain sink into comfort. I can’t hate you. I’m jealous of you. I want you.
I love you. I love you Sylvain Jose Gautier.
Glenn didn’t find love. He still cared about women and loving someone, but didn’t. He died alone on a battlefield. He died like a true knight. Felix hated that phrase. A true knight didn’t exist, because no one could be perfect. No matter how hard Felix tried to catch perfection, it was impossible. It was impossible for the swan to escape a ballad of booming alligators and a swarm of C’s and A’s and spiders. It was dark and cold.
“Sylvain.”
He opened his eyes, and looked at Felix. “Yeah?”
Felix opened and closed his mouth, How does love feel? Maybe if you loved me, I can take away your pain, and you can take away mine. “Have you found love yet? To take your mind off of Miklan.” Dammit. I royally messed that up. Goddess, I never asked for help, but I require your aid.
He shook his head, “No. No one that I had been interested in liked me back. It is the curse of my crest, and probably my old reputation at that.” With a heavy heart, he got back onto his feet, his hand running over the covers and blanket on Felix’s bed. “Thanks for letting me sit here for a minute. A change of scenery was nice.”
Don’t go. I need to tell you now. I need you to know I’m vulnerable. I need you to know. “Wait.”
Sylvain stopped as he opened the door, and turned back around to look at wide-eyed Felix. “Hm?”
“You… I was thinking about something earlier.”
“You? Thinking about anything but training? Uh oh.”
“Sylvain! I’m being serious!” He snapped and took a deep breath. “I… don’t hate you.”
“Well I hoped you didn’t, otherwise we both would be having two different conversations. I knew you didn’t.”
I am jealous of you. You make me jealous when I see you with someone else. I want to be there. “..and that’s… oh, I didn’t say anything outloud did I?”
“Nope, you just looked down at the ground and mouthed words.”
He grumbled under his breath and curled his fists. “...I love you, Sylvain. It makes me furious when I see you so carefree and flirting with others, and I want to be there! I want to find love and now the more I think about these feelings I thought were hate, I realize how… how… you affect me! It’s like you have me trapped in a basement!”
“Yikes, I don’t think I like the sound of the basement trap- wait, you what?”
The two looked at each other for a minute and both of their faces went red. “I’m not saying it ag- hey!”
Sylvain happy tackled Felix and lifted him up in a bear hug, spinning and smiling like a kid on Christmas. He stood and looked at the blue-haired male and continued to smile. “I thought I’d be doomed to a life of flirting aimlessly forever!”
“So me loving you is a way for you to simply just escape your hobby?”
“No!” He exclaimed. “I’ve put way more time into it now to distract me from YOU!”
This is not happening. How can he like me? How can I like him? How did I fall for this man? How did he fall for me? I think I’m falling. Is this what Glenn meant when he told me that reassurance felt amazing? “Oh…”
Sylvain let go of Felix and stepped back. “I know you are uh, probably overwhelmed because honestly, I’ve never seen you this vulnerable… ever. Like, ever ever. Never ever wherever of the never.”
“I get it! I’m cold and dark forever and ever and ever wherever,” he repeated Sylvain’s mumble jumble and couldn’t help but smile. This is a nice feeling. I like this one.
“I’ll let you sleep on it, alright? Just know that I,” he stopped and looked around the corner back at Felix. “Love,” he smiled, “youuuuuuuuuu.”
He shut his door and stepped back and felt his blankets and fell back. I’m in love. I’m strong. I’m alright. Glenn. I’m better than you. I’m becoming me. I will train to protect myself and my friends more than ever. I have a goal. I have a chance. Sylvain Sylvain Sylvain. Your name is like honey and mine is a bee.
I cannot be carefree, but I will do everything I can to keep you happy.
-—
-