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Setting the box down on the kitchen bench, lightly adjusting the sparkling bow that was stuck on top, Jason grinned and looked about. It was time. Cupping his hands over his mouth, he called out.
'Yo, Janet!'
There was a tell-tale Ding!, which always filled him with an unmistakable joy. It reminded him of the time he and Donkey Doug drove a portable freezer through a McDonalds and requested as many chicken nuggets that would fill it up. They got away with twelve bags, which wasn't nearly enough, but it was still pretty good. They had swiped as many sweet-n-sour sauces as they could hold to make up for it.
Behind him, Janet appeared. Her hands were folded behind her, her head tilted to one side with a smile already on her face. Jason loved her smile. It always looked like she had some kind of secret she wanted to share, like maybe where Eleanor hid her boxes of peanut M&Ms.
'Hello, Jason.'
'Janet! My robot queen!'
'Not a robot.'
'But you're my girl.'
'Not a girl,' Janet replied, still with that smile.
Jason never got sick of that. He knew what the others thought, but he didn't mind. He couldn't even begin to take in the wonder that was Janet. Not just because she was some kind of Alexa-type god, with unfathomable type of powers, like the time Bortles threw for two-hundred and seventy-three yards and two touchdowns with absolutely no interceptions. He bet Janet could do that, maybe even for two-hundred and seventy-four yards, all while dressed in her usual gear and without getting her hair messy. She was that good.
'I've got a present for you!'
He stepped aside and threw his hands out, framing the box. Janet looked at it, her lips twitching as she withheld a laugh, and looked back at him.
'I can see that.'
'Guess what it is.'
Cocking her head to the side, Janet studied him curiously. Her brows had begun to knit together, in the way they did when someone had given her a conflicting statement.
'But I know what it is,' she said. 'You asked me to give it to you four minutes and thirty-three seconds ago.'
'I know, I know. But- but just guess.'
'But I know it's a Bla- '
'No, no, you'll ruin it!' Jason said.
Waving his hands, he took two steps to close the distance between them and shook his head. Despite being a not-a-robot, not-a-girl of unbelievable booksmartyness, Janet sometimes didn't get things. She was a bit like Chidi, in the way. Maybe sometimes smart people filled their heads with so many smart things, they forgot to play video games and have fun.
Squaring her shoulders, Janet lifted her chin just a little and looked at him.
'Pretend you don't know what's in the box. What do you think it is?'
'But I know what's in the box,' she replied.
'But if you didn't.'
Jason took a step around her, so he was by her side. Then, placing his hands carefully on her shoulders (was he allowed to touch not-a-robots, not-a-girls shoulders? Sometimes girls didn't like that, but he'd never heard a Roomba say not to), he nudged her forwards.
'If you just saw this, what would you think I'd gotten you?'
Janet was quiet. Sometimes, if he concentrated, he swore he could hear her thinking.
Tahani said that was tinnitus.
'I'd say... you got an empty purple box. Oh!' Janet looked over her shoulder. 'Did you get me an empty box?'
Laughing, he shook his head. 'No! Guess again!'
Ever so slightly, Janet squinted her eyes. She put her hands on her hips, shifted her weight so one knee was bent and her hip jutted out, and tossed her hair over her shoulder. She looked over at Jason, her lips twisted into a slight smirk.
'Did you get me a newly-born star that will supernova the moment I open the box, thereby destroying all life bar myself, but will also inevitably send me catapulting into my void where I will be forced to go through at least twelve hundred reboots until I am functional again?'
'No. But I'll try to get that if you want.'
Jason wasn't sure if he could buy that specific item at Walmart, but he'd try. And he'd even try at Whole Foods, if she'd like.
'Here,' he said, letting go of her and grabbing the box. 'Open it.'
He hadn't bothered to stick the lid down. Finding the end of the tape on a roll sometimes distracted him. He'd twist the roll around and around, never quite finding the end, until he finally found a piece. Then he'd tug it and begin to pull, only for it shrink down until it was nothing more than a sliver. Boxes, therefore, were a good choice of wrapping. Bags, too, though he sometimes liked to wear them as hats.
Janet took the lid off. She gasped appreciatively as Jason, too much in a hurry for her to wait any longer, pulled out the teal-and-white jersey.
'Jason!' she gasped. 'It's a 2015 season Blake Bortles jersey from the official NFL store.'
With a laugh, Jason shrugged. 'I know. You helped me pick it out for you.'
It wasn't like he could just go down to a frozen yoghurt stand and buy one. He'd already tried Googling it, but Tahani kept telling him the TV wasn't a computer, which seemed ridiculous, but she, like Chidi, seemed pretty smart. She knew when to use the little spoon, and it wasn't for eating peanut butter straight from the jar, apparently.
'Can you put it on?' he asked. 'I want to make sure it fits.'
He was sure it would. Janet did, after all, create it.
Even so, she paused and gave him a wry smile.
'Only if you put yours on,' she replied. 'And we can watch a match together.'
Jason's eyes lit up. 'Can we watch one where they actually ride jaguars into the stadium?'
'Only if Miami ride in dolphins in, too.'
With a holler of delight, Jason nodded and ran off to grab his jersey. They might be in the Bad Place, but it didn't have to be that bad all the time.