Archive of Our Own

When I woke up this morning, I was afraid, and I mean afraid like when your heart is pounding and you can't catch your breath. I sat up in bed, trying to take in some deep breaths, thinking about why I had woken up this way. As I started to calm down, I got out of bed and went to check on Morgan. She was okay of course, sound asleep in her bed. So as I returned to my own room, I had a thought that perhaps the reason I woke up feeling  like this was maybe because I had just had a nightmare right before I woke up.

I asked FRIDAY if everything in the house was still locked down tight. She sounded a more than a little affronted when she answered me If only you can hear how sassy she has gotten over the years, Tony! In many ways, whenever she says something super sassy in reply to us she makes me think of JARVIS! You would be so proud of her, I think! She assured me that everything was as it should be, so I shrugged off the way I felt and headed to the bathroom.

I was in the middle of washing my face when the reason why hit me why I had woken up breathless with my heart pounding out of my chest. I had had a dream this morning, just before I woke up, and the memory of my dream flashed through my thoughts.

I had dreamed about you , Tony, which is usually something I welcome, something I long for to happen always since my dreams are the only way I can be with you again right now. But last night's dream is an exception, now that I can remember the details of what I dreamed about.

At first, when I saw you in my dream, I was happy, oh so happy because it's been a long time since I had seen you even in my dreams. I think we were in the park where Morgan was I don't know in the city. I'm not sure if we were walking or jogging together not that that matters, but we'd stopped to sit down on one of the benches. I said something that I can't really remember what it was now. But it's what happened when you replied to me that is what is scaring me so much.

When you replied to me Or was it retorted?, I know the words you said were exactly what you would have said to me, but your voice sounded... sounded all wrong ! The voice I heard wasn't your voice, Tony! I don't know whose voice it was, but it definitely wasn't yours! 

The fact it wasn't your voice in my dream wasn't the scariest or most awful part of this... this nightmare ! No, that only came after I woke, and when I was brushing my teeth. After I realized that it wasn't your voice in the dream, I started to try to remember and replay you saying something in my mind. 

Nothing happened.

I could remember the times when you would talk to me or to Morgan, but as hard as I have been trying all day today, even during all my meetings at work, tried to remember the sound of your voice, I couldn't . I couldn't, Tony, and when I realized that I couldn't, my heart shattered even more. After watching you die, and after longing for you after all of these years, I didn't really believe that  it was possible for my heart to be crushed any further. 

But I was wrong.

I was so very wrong. 

When I say that I can't recall the sound of your voice, I don't mean how you sounded in public when other people besides me were around us Like at the Senate hearing you were summoned to!. If I wanted to remember something like that , I could just search for your name on the internet and I know I'd find plenty of videos of the  very public you on there. Part of me wishes it could be that simple. But I know if I looked up one of those videos, it would be of no comfort, because I’d be hearing the voice of a practical stranger.

I wouldn’t hear the voice of my Tony. 

I want to hear what I would hear when you would say my name.

Oh, Tony, I don't know where to turn to and I need to hear your voice again.

I need to so much.