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Steve felt some kind of air going through his body--it happened in seconds. Just as he caught a glimpse of red, he was back in the 1940s again, somewhere familiar. Too familiar .
Steve blinked to make sure he was in the right place. He was in the bar with Howling Commandos and...Bucky. It was as if nothing happened, as if Steve has been dreaming ever since that moment. He looked around. The Howling Commandos were singing with beers in their hands and Bucky was simply staring at him with silence. When Steve looked into his eyes, he noticed something that he hadn’t before: sorrow. His lips were twitching, but his eyes--his eyes were in deep sorrow.
“...Bucky,” Steve was the one who broke the silence between them.
Steve knew Bucky Barnes was still alive in his time--he knew some part of him was out there, hiding from the world. But seeing him as Bucky Barnes , not as the Winter Soldier, in the 1940s hit differently. Here, the man sitting next to Steve was Bucky, who was his best friend and who loved him. Steve didn’t know what to say to him--and even if he did, he knew this wasn’t real. This was his imagination.
“What’s wrong, Stevie? You look like...you’ve seen a ghost,” Bucky said, quickly covering his sorrow with his fake happiness.
“Buck, I…” The thought of this situation not being real slowly left Steve’s mind. It didn’t matter to him. What mattered was that he was here with Bucky , back before everything fell apart. He didn’t know how long this moment was going to last, it could end in any moment.
“Bucky, I’m sorry,” that was all Steve could say. The words echoed in Steve’s ear, and Bucky began to disappear in front of him, along with the Howling Commandos and the bar. Instead, thick inches of snow, mountains, and the train took place. As the cold winter wind hit Steve’s face, he knew what was about to happen.
Steve didn’t want to go through this again--once was more than enough. Knowing what would happen to Bucky after he fell from the train gave Steve chills through his veins and promised himself that he would grab Bucky’s hand this time around. He couldn’t let Bucky go through decades of torture and pain all over again, reality or not. Such thing didn’t matter anymore.
But when Steve tried his best to grab his best friend’s hand, when Steve reached further than he did in his memory, the gap between him and Bucky only seemed to increase. Bucky was hanging onto the train again, for his life.
“Bucky! Grab my hand!”
Steve cried out for Bucky, moving closer and closer to where he was hanging...but it was useless. The bar on the side of the train fell nonetheless, leaving screams of Bucky behind in Steve’s ear once again.
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
Those cries didn’t leave Steve’s mind and repeated themselves. Steve was hanging onto the train, crying harder than he remembered.
He failed. He failed to save Bucky again. He was given a second chance to save him but he failed.
Scenes changed again, and this time Steve was in the middle of the dark. He was still wearing his army uniform. Everything around him was pitch black and it almost felt like he was no longer a part of this world. Until Steve heard him .
“...Steve?”
Bucky’s voice was very similar to when Steve found Bucky in Hydra Base 70 years ago. But this time, it was filled with rage and resentment. Steve slowly turned around and saw Bucky--no, the Winter Soldier --in front of him. Bucky’s eyes had no life in them; only sorrow and anger remained. He was wearing the same armor he wore when Steve fought him on the helicarrier a year ago. The silver mechanical arm shined through, with the big, red Hydra star in the middle.
“Bucky-” Steve began to speak.
“...Why? Why didn’t you look for me? Why didn’t you... save me ?”
His words went right through Steve’s heart. There was something Steve feared the most and that wasn’t even Bucky’s death itself. It was the fact that Steve left him there, in the hands of Hydra, while Steve went down in the Arctic. It was true that Steve believed that he was doing the right thing at that time--but it was also true that when he came out of the ice, he didn’t even look into Bucky’s file or whether they found Bucky’s body or not. Steve was too scared to face the fact that he neglected Bucky until he met him on the bridge.
“Do you--do you know how difficult it was for me? They tortured me. During the first few years, they would torture me every single day for hours. Do you even know what that feels like? It hurt so bad, so I begged them to kill me. I begged them. I begged them to take my life away, so that the pain wouldn’t stop. I lived decades with endless pain and by the time you showed up--it was too late. Don’t you see? I was no longer a human by the time you called me ‘Bucky.’ Your ‘Bucky’ died when he fell from the train.”
Bucky was glaring at him now and his eyes were filled with pure anger. Steve couldn’t look him in the eye. Bucky was right. Steve didn’t know. Steve couldn’t imagine what terrible things Hydra has done to him over the last 70 years. Steve never looked for Bucky. Steve never looked for his grave--Steve never looked for his remains. He buried Bucky in his memory, almost trying to forget that Bucky died because of him . Steve was worse than Hydra. Because he abandoned his best friend. He abandoned Bucky to get tortured until he couldn’t remember who he was or who Steve was.
“...Bucky. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I-I just...You’re right. It’s all my fault. Everything’s my fault. I’m sorry…”
Steve was on his knees now, crying. Bucky just watched him, giving him a cold stare.
“On the helicarrier, you told me that you were with me till the end of the line,” Bucky said. “Guess what, Rogers? You ended the line yourself when you let me go on that train.”
Steve looked up, staring into Bucky’s cold, dark eyes. Locking eyes with Steve, Bucky finally said these words:
“...I’ll never forgive you.”
As Bucky said those words, Steve broke down once again. He was right. Bucky has every right not to forgive me. I left him when he needed me the most. I--I’m the one who killed him.
Steve looked down and drops of tears fell from his eyes. They didn’t stop. Not because Bucky hurt him with his words, but because Steve finally realized what he has done. It was selfish of him to make Bucky remember his past, when he was the one who made Bucky like that in the first place.
Steve’s crying never seemed to stop--until a voice, the voice he knew so well, spoke.
“...No,” that voice said. “I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you, Steve.”
When Steve opened his eyes again, he was back in 2015. Fighting was still going on between Tony and Ultron and Natasha was heavily panting. It seemed like the mind game got her too--there was panic in her eyes that Steve has never seen before.
“...Steve.”
Steve looked up. Bucky was standing in front of him. At first, Steve’s eyes widened because for a second he thought this was some kind of another mind trap. But then as he stared into Bucky’s eyes, he knew this Bucky was his Bucky. The one who Steve grew up with, the one who was always there by his side. But Steve was at loss of words for another minute or two because what he just experienced was so real.
When Steve finally realized Bucky was actually standing in front of him, a sense of shock came through. There was no way Bucky could be here because how could’ve Bucky known that Steve was in some kind of danger?
“Bucky? H-how are you here? You are--”
“...I have my ways,” Bucky said.
Bucky wasn’t going to tell Steve that he didn’t really leave Steve behind when he ran away from Hydra in 2014. After he visited the Smithonian, he stuck around, watching Steve. It took months to remember important pieces of Steve Rogers, that he was his best friend, not some kind of mission he met years ago. But Bucky was in better shape now, and when tracker beeped--he couldn’t help but to actually come down here and save him. Because that’s what he should do. The Winter Soldier would not have, but Bucky Barnes would have.
And he decided to become Bucky Barnes.
“What you saw and what you heard--was not real,” Bucky said. “I know my years at Hydra were...terrible. I’m not gonna deny that. But that , is never, ever , your fault, Steve. It never was and It never will be in a billion years. I never blamed you. You bet your life to make me remember. You saved me. You hear me, Stevie? You saved me. Again.”
Steve slowly got up to his feet and faced Bucky. Bucky gave him a light smile. But Steve couldn’t return the smile right away.
“...I’m still sorry, Buck,” Steve said. “I’m sorry that I never looked for you. I thought--”
Bucky pulled Steve into his arms and without hesitation, kissed him on the lips. The kiss was short--but it was more than enough to shut Steve up. Steve’s eyes widened but then smiled a little after.
“I’m with you till the end of the line,” Bucky said. “...And I forgive you. I’ll always forgive you, Steve.”
And that was enough.