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Killua winced as he lightly ran his fingers down the length of his neck. He looked over himself in the bathroom mirror slowly, making sure to drink in every little detail, to memorize the placement of every little mark maring his too pale skin. There was a bruise there, at the end of his collarbone. Another curved around his right shoulder. Small cuts dotted the line of his jaw and there was a pattern of marks in a half circle where his shoulder met the curve of his neck.
Killua's fingers lingered at that mark, in particular. He frowned as he traced the shape. It didn't hurt, not really, but it was the shape of the mark in particular that was giving him pause. Because this mark...it almost looked like...
Warm arms encircled his waist and squeezed him. Killua looked up into the mirror, unsurprised as his blue gaze met soft brown.
"Hey," Gon whispered into his ear and Killua repressed a shiver. "Wha'cha doin'? You're never up this early."
"Mmm." Killua gave a content sigh as Gon nuzzled into the curve of his neck. Gon's embrace was comforting, all-consuming. His broad chest was a solid and steady presence against Killua's back. Killua could fall into Gon's arms and trust that Gon would be there to catch him every time.
Soft lips pressed to Killua's skin. Then again. And again. Killua hummed, eyes falling shut and mouth curving in a smile.
"You're distracting me," he murmured and felt Gon laugh against him.
"Sorry," Gon said before kissing Killua's neck again. "But you started it."
"How? You're the one who came in here and started kissing me."
"Can't help it," Gon said easily, pulling Killua flush to his chest. "You look too nice. I couldn't resist kissing you."
Killua's cheeks grew warm and he cracked open an eye. "I look like I just rolled out of bed."
Gon grinned. "So? That’s exactly why I think you look nice."
"Dork."
"'M your dork."
"...yeah." Killua allowed himself to lean against Gon and Gon supported him easily, leaning back into Killua so their weight evened out between the two of them. "You’re all mine, Freecss. No one else’s."
Gon gave a happy hum and Killua smiled in turn. How could he not smile, with the butterflies coming to life and fluttering around in his chest? It was so easy to be here with Gon in this moment and every moment. Gon made living easy in the best possible way.
"You still didn't answer my question," Gon said softly. "Why're you up so early? 'S not like you."
Killua was quiet for a moment. How to answer Gon without giving too much away? Because if Gon really knew why Killua had been staring hungrily at the many marks leftover from last night...Killua would never hear the end of it.
“I was...thinking,” he said after a pause.
"About?"
"Last night."
Gon lifted his head off Killua’s shoulder. He looked at Killua through the mirror, brow furrowed. "Did I hurt you?" he asked seriously.
Killua blinked. "What? No—no, of course not. Don't look so worried, jeez."
"Mm...but, Killua, you have a lot of bruises."
Gon lowered his gaze to Killua’s bare chest and Killua followed his lead. Gon wasn’t wrong. Killua was covered with marks. There was the bite at his neck, the hickies littering his shoulders and collarbone, the angry red marks dotted across his chest and abs. Even the curve of his hips just above his pj pants had bruises that would perfectly fit Gon's hands, if he lined them up correctly.
But even with all the marks...
"It's okay," Killua said after a pause. He could feel his cheeks burning, see his face pinking in the mirror. "I didn't, um, mind it. Don't mind it, I mean."
Gon frowned. "You don't?"
"No."
"But—But your family. They hurt you all the time. That's why you have so many scars." One of Gon's hands traceda diagonal scar across Killua's chest and Killua repressed a shudder at the light touch of his lover. "And I don't want to be like them. I don't want to hurt you, Killua."
"You didn't hurt me, though," Killua said. "Okay? You didn't do anything I didn't want you to do."
Killua's words echoed off the bathroom walls, hung heavy in the air. Gon was staring at him with wide brown eyes, his freckled cheeks starting to darken in a blush and Killua held his gaze despite the mortification writhing in his stomach.
Because—well, it was embarrassing to admit that sort of thing aloud. He and Gon had been reunited for years, had confessed their feelings and desires for each other months ago, and yet Killua was still reduced to a stammering mess whenever they talked about what they wanted from and to do with each other. It was hard, being this vulnerable. But Killua wouldn't choose to work through this with anyone else.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Killua grumbled as Gon continued to gaze at him and elbowed Gon's bare chest. "You already knew I wanted it to be rough. I asked you to be rough."
"I know. It's just..." Gon paused, a strange look on his face and a bright gleam in his eyes. "It's different, hearing you say it in the morning."
Killua scrunched his nose and fought down the sudden wave of heat washing over him. "I swear, if you say something embarrassing—"
"I'm not!" Gon protested. He squeezed Killua tightly, as if his strength alone was enough to keep Killua in his arms. "I'm not saying anything, I promise. You were the one who brought it up."
"Only because you were getting that mopey expression on your face."
"I was only getting mopey because you were staring at yourself in the mirror when I came in the bathroom," Gon retorted. "I thought..."
“You thought?" Killua prompted curiously when Gon's voice trailed off.
Gon swallowed, his gaze dropping to the floor. "I thought you regretted it. Maybe."
Horror welled up inside Killua, squeezed the air out of his lungs. "Gon. I would never regret something like that. Ever. Okay? Last night was...it was the best night of my life."
Gon's fingers dug into Killua's sides. "Really?" he asked, voice uncharacteristically timid.
"Really. I pinky promise.”
"Then...why were you looking at all the bruises? You said you don't mind it, and I know you asked for it. But it looks like they really hurt."
Killua hesitated. He was still learning how to ask what he wanted instead of waiting for it to happen to him. But to explain why he wanted those things...that was a whole different level of honesty that left Killua searching for the nearest pillow to scream into. How could he answer Gon when just thinking about his answer made his face erupt into flames?
"Killua?" Gon asked and Killua let out a long breath through his nose. He cast his eyes to the ceiling and pointedly stared at a crack in the tile. He could not and would not look at himself if he was going to admit to this.
"I was looking in the mirror at the bruises," Killua said slowly, painfully. "Because...I...I like looking at them."
Gon made a confused sound in the back of his throat. “What does that mean?"
Killua gritted his teeth. "It means that I—I like seeing where you touched me. I like knowing that you left these marks because they're a—a souvenir, I guess, of what we did. I like the physical proof that you...that you want me as much as I want and love you."
Silence fell on them again. Killua kept his gaze upwards, refusing to catch sight of himself in the mirror and see his own scarlet face looking back at him. His gut twisted with his own embarrassment, his skin crawled with it. What did Gon think, hearing Killua admit to something like that? Would he think it was weird? Would he withdraw his arms from around Killua’s waist and laugh awkwardly, would he avoid touching Killua ever again—?
Soft, soft lips pressed to the curve of Killua's neck, right at his vertebrae. Killua let out a quiet, involuntary gasp at the feeling.
"G-Gon?" he stammered, cheeks burning, and he felt Gon's smile against his skin.
"I love you too, Killua," Gon murmured and Killua shivered. The warmth of Gon's breath and lips and body was overwhelming, but in the best possible way. "I love you. And I want to show you how much I care about you every single day. You won't need these—" Gon fingers brushed a hickey, "—to know how much I need you. But if physical proof is what you like and as long as you're not getting hurt...then I don't mind leaving a few extra marks on you."
Killua's heart leapt into his throat, pounding frantically. "R-Really?"
"Really," Gon whispered, leaning forward to kiss the skin behind Killua's ear. He laughed quietly when Killua shivered again. "I want to make you feel good, after all."
Killua leaned heavily into Gon's back. "You always make me feel good."
"Good. Because you make me feel good, too. And I want you to tell me when I make you feel good, so that way I know and can do it to you over and over again."
Something hot coiled in Killua's gut. "That sounds really suggestive," he murmured, eyes fluttering shut, and Gon laughed in his ear.
"That was kind of the whole point."
A warm hand cupped his jaw. Killua let Gon turn his head, blindly angling his head and opening his mouth—
And sure enough, there were Gon's lips pressing hungrily against his. Killua smiled into the kiss, content to let Gon push and pull, to taste and chase, to steal the air from his lungs and never give it back. For a while there was nothing but the soft warmth of his lover's mouth against his own and Killua lost himself in the feeling of Gon's love. He could drown in Gon, get swallowed up by him, and he wouldn't even try to fight his way to the surface.
As long as he was with Gon, loved and wanted and cherished by him, Killua was just fine getting pulled into these quiet moments without the hope of returning. Why would he want to, if Gon was at his side?