Chapter Text
Stefan lay in bed, the sheet covering the lower half of his body, his torso exposed to the chilly air of the room. One arm was flung across his forehead and the other acted as a pillow for Caroline who lay next to him, panting and sweaty, a wide smile on her face.
“I really needed that,” she said breathlessly. “You’re amazing.”
Stefan removed his arm to look at her. He smiled. “Glad I could be of service.”
She slid her hand onto his chest and then looked at him, her eyebrows furrowed. “Your heart rate’s steady.”
He laughed. “Should it be erratic?”
“No it’s just — we just finished having —” She pressed her lips together. “Is it me? Are you … bored? Do we need to, I don’t know, spice up our love life?”
Alarm sparked in Stefan’s chest.
“What?” he said. “No.” He propped himself up on his elbows and stared at him. “Of course not, why would you ask that?”
Caroline looked at him, her mouth opening and closing like she was trying to think about what to say. “It’s just…”
Stefan waited for her to finish.
“Never mind.” Caroline shook her head. “We should get ready, Damon and Elena will be here any minute.”
She sat up, pressing the sheet against her chest, wrapping it around her body as she walked across the room to the bathroom. Stefan stayed in bed, rubbing his face with his hands. There was no reason for it, for why the excitement Caroline roused in him was tepid on good days, nonexistent on others. It scared him, how distant from her he felt, and he tried to make up for it, tried to bring himself closer to her with the pleasure he made her feel, tried and failed to lose himself in that, open himself up in that. It would’ve been easy if it was just the sex, one part in their marriage to work on, build on, but it was everything, it was the days, the nights, everything in between, it was the sense of alienation Stefan felt, like he was drifting in this life she’d made for them without actively engaging in anything around them, it was —
“Stefan, you should probably start getting ready,” Caroline called from the bathroom. “Damon and Elena will be here any minute.”
Damon and Elena.
It had been four months since he’d last seen Elena and it had been four weeks since he’d last spoken to her. They used to talk to each other daily: emails during work, calls after dinner, texts in between. And then it all stopped. Or well, she stopped it all. There was no warning, she just one day decided to stop returning any form of communication. Stefan tried not to dwell on it. There was nothing to dwell on. Their communication had been innocuous enough. She’d send him cat videos he rolled his eyes at, he’d send her music she scoffed at; they spoke about their days, how hard it was being an intern, how hard it was being a teacher. They’d talk about the movies she’d see, the movies he didn’t, message each other when they were bored, when things were slow.
Innocent. All of it.
Except for the fact Caroline didn’t know how often they talked. Except for the thrill Stefan got every time his phone vibrated with a notification, how he’d sometimes picture himself where Elena was, lying next to her, listening to her complain about the long hours she had to work. Stefan closed his eyes against the image and his gut soured with shame, guilt seized his lungs. They were in the past. They were done. They moved on. She was happy. He was happy. And they were happy without each other. Stefan repeated it in his head. Over and over. That was what this weekend would prove. They were happy.
He got up from the bed and walked into the bathroom.
“Dammit!”
It was the third time Elena bumped against the roof of the car. She rubbed the back of her head and sighed. “I think it’s time to call a quits.”
Damon looked up at her. “C’mon! Cosmo rates the car as the number 7 sexiest place to please your man.” He winked.
“Oh yeah,” said Elena. “Concussions are totally sexy. And leg cramps.”
They were more than halfway to Mystic Falls when Damon decided to pull the car over on an empty road. Elena humoured him with the fantasy, maybe it really was what they needed, the shift that would get them back on track. Except they were never really on track. They were always on fumes. That was the problem. One of them anyway.
She bent her head as she dislodged herself from her position straddling Damon and flung herself back into the passenger’s seat, smoothing out the bottom of her dress. Damon sighed as he buckled his belt and eased his seat up from its reclined position.
“If you let us take my car instead of a rental then this wouldn’t have been an issue, you know.”
“Your car uses up too much gas,” said Elena.
He looked at her. “Are we OK?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t we be?”
Damon shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Elena did. A month ago, she’d made a choice, she’d seized all communication with Stefan, and now she was miserable. And lonely. It irritated her as much as it ate away at her with guilt, that when she was talking to Stefan every day, she couldn’t focus on the life she had, the life she chose, the … the man she chose, but now that she’d stopped talking to him, she felt imprisoned by all of it. Speaking to him was how she survived her daily life and speaking to him was what made it clear that her daily life wasn’t what she wanted. Each choice left her with regret and it swallowed her whole with helplessness.
She looked over at Damon who was drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. She couldn’t say he never excited her. He had. That was why she chose him all those years ago. She wanted to know where the excitement would lead and by the time she realized it would lead here, wishing for something she had given up, she’d already made too many choices to salvage what she’d abandoned. Sex was usually what distracted her from the regret but the sex was only ever just sex and what she needed was something Damon couldn’t give her, something she willed herself to believe he did. She sighed and reached over to stroke the hair above Damon’s ear.
“This weekend will be fun,” she said.
“No, this weekend will be tolerable,” said Damon, starting the car. “Fun would’ve been you and me in Catalina, half-buzzed on margaritas and you wearing absolutely nothing.”
Elena shook her head. “It’s been a while since we’ve come back home, it’ll be good to see everyone. Caroline and I have been coordinating for weeks.”
Damon nodded his head. “Caroline,” he said. “That’s why you were so insistent on coming.”
“Yeah,” said Elena. “And the school, I want to see how far along it’s coming, what Jeremy is like as a teacher. Bonnie is supposed to come back this weekend. It’ll be good to see Matt…”
Damon stared at her.
“What?” she asked. “Eyes on the road, Damon, we’re not vampires anymore, you have to be more careful when you drive.”
He continued to look at her.
“What?”
“Nothing, just …” He turned to the front of the car. “Caroline, Jeremy, Bonnie and Matt. There’s no one else you want to see?”
Elena pushed her mouth to the side in thought. “The twins,” she said. “I’m such a terrible godmother, of course I want to see the twins. And Alaric.”
Damon nodded his head. “Right.”
Elena smiled tightly.
“Tunes?” he asked.
“Sure.” Elena plugged her phone into the stereo and pressed on the first song that popped up. Damon furrowed his eyebrows. “Since when did you listen to The Clash?”
“Oh,” said Elena. “Uh, Stefan … he recommended this to me like years ago and I think I just added it to my playlist on a whim. I have a ton of stuff on there. Stuff you’ve recommended, Bonnie, Jer.”
“Right,” said Damon.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“I was just saying.”
“I got it.”
They spent the rest of the drive in silence. Every once in a while Elena thought about taking Damon’s hand in hers but looked out the window instead. It would be good. To see him. To see them. Picture perfect family. She’d chosen Damon and he’d chosen Caroline and there was nothing wrong with either of their lives and the weekend would prove that. Then she’d stop thinking about it. She decided.
It was another half an hour before they were on their old street. Elena took a deep breath in.
“What is it?” said Damon.
“Nothing, just nervous,” said Elena.
“What would you have to be nervous about?”
Elena looked at him. “Nothing.”
“Right,” said Damon.
“What?”
He shook his head. “Nothing.”
Damon pulled into the driveway of the Salvatore Mansion and Elena saw Stefan and Caroline standing outside, their arms around each other. Elena thought back to that moment in high school, when Stefan leant Matt his car to take Caroline for a drive and how she and Stefan watched them drive away, their arms around each other. It had felt so right then. It still did. Just the memory of it … but that was all it was, a memory. He did things like that with Caroline now. And she with Damon.
He parked the car and then turned to Elena. “Ready?”
She smiled. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Stefan disentangled himself from Caroline. It felt wrong, holding her when Elena could see them from the car, and that felt wrong too, caring about whether the sight of him embracing his wife would upset his ex-girlfriend. And why would it? She had been the one who stopped calling, stopped taking messages, she made her choice. Like she made her choice six years ago. Stefan pressed his lips together; he couldn’t feel sorry for himself, the turmoil was all in his head and he would re-remember that once Elena and Damon stepped out of the car together, walking up to the house hand in hand.
That was the hope anyway. As Elena got out of the car, what Stefan re-remembered was the pull his body felt whenever he saw her, the way his heart ached, the way her gaze would flood him with such an earnest longing. He watched as Caroline squealed and ran up to her, as they both wrapped their arms around each other in a huge hug. Stefan couldn’t bear it, the shame of his conflict. He looked to Damon who was grinning at him and he walked down the driveway to clasp a hand on his brother’s shoulder.
“How’ve you been, brother?” said Damon.
Stefan smiled. “Great. You? How’s human life treating you?”
Damon shrugged. “Humanity, vampirism, I excel at everything.”
Caroline pulled away from Elena. “Which means you’re struggling.”
“Caroline, glad to see you’re still so charming,” said Damon.
She laughed and walked over to him. Stefan and Elena stayed in their spots diagonal from each other as Caroline and Damon hugged in the space between them.
One glance. That was all Elena would allow herself. It was all she could afford. Six years had passed by and the urge to wrap her arms around him, to nestle her head in the crook of his neck, to relish his smell and melt into his arms, it still felt natural. If she looked at him, everyone would know.
“So the drive in was OK?” said Caroline.
“Totally smooth,” said Damon. “Nothing went a rocking for any reason.”
Elena rolled her eyes then smiled. “Where are the girls?”
“Alaric’s with them this weekend,” said Caroline. “You’ll probably see them later, though.”
“Great, we have presents in the car.”
“Bonnie’s coming in tomorrow?” said Damon.
“Yeah, I think she’s staying Stateside for a bit,” said Stefan.
“It’ll be good to see her,” said Elena.
“Yeah,” said Stefan.
There was a pause while Caroline looked at Elena and Damon looked at Stefan. “So are you two going to say ‘hi’ or…?”
“We said ‘hi’,” said Stefan.
Elena nodded. “Yeah, we totally said ‘hi’.”
“No, you didn’t,” said Damon. “Me and you said ‘hi’ and me Caroline said ‘hi’ but that’s it.”
“No I’m pretty sure we said ‘hi’,” said Stefan.
“Yeah,” Elena agreed.
“Why are you two being so weird?” said Caroline brightly.
“What are you talking about, we’re fine,” said Elena.
“You’re acting like strangers,” said Caroline. “It’s awkward.”
“Blondie’s right,” said Damon.
“Damon, I’m still a vampire and if you call me that again I might have to break your wrist.”
Damon smirked. “You love it. Are you two going to say ‘hi’ or what?”
Stefan sighed. “For the record, it’s you two who are acting weird.” He took a step toward Elena. “It’s good to see you, Elena,” he said.
Elena smiled and hugged him. The embrace was brief but Elena could feel Stefan’s hand grip her slightly, Stefan could feel Elena’s lips almost brush his ear. Their eyes closed momentarily. A quiet intake of breath. They pulled away and Elena stood next to Damon, holding his hand while Stefan stepped next to Caroline, his arm around her waist.
“Great. Now that’s out of the way, bourbon?” said Damon. “I have yet to adjust to sober driving.”
Stefan shook his head. “You should’ve been driving sober even as a vampire, Damon.”
“It’s not like I would die if I totaled my car.”
“But the people in the other car might,” said Caroline.
“Might what?”
“Might die,” said Stefan.
“Right,” said Damon. “Never quite got a handle on the whole morality thing. You two though, down pact. Perfect match. Right, babe?”
Elena smiled but said nothing.
Caroline laughed. “Come on, Damon,” she said, waving him over. “We’ve done some renovations so the liquor isn’t where it was before.”
“I’ll just get the stuff from the car,” said Elena.
Damon started. “Well, I can—”
“No, it’s fine,” said Elena. “I’ll just grab the overnight stuff, get the presents later. I’m right behind you guys.”
“’Kay.” Stefan lowered his eyes as Damon pecked Elena on the lips. She walked toward the rental and he and Caroline walked up the driveway to the house. Stefan moved to follow them but then stopped, turning back to watch Elena head to the car.
Elena stared at the trunk, her entire body shaking. She wanted Stefan to go back into the house with the Damon and Caroline, but really, she wanted him to wait for her. A quick chat alone. That was all she wanted. It felt like a lifetime since they’d spoken and in that lifetime she’d been hollow. But she didn’t hear any footsteps on the gravel. He probably went back inside. It was a good choice. The right choice. What she probably needed. What —
“Need a hand?”
Elena closed her eyes and tried not to smile. She cleared her throat. “I guess I can take the presents in now.”
Stefan opened the trunk and started rifling through the bags.
“How’ve you been?” he asked.
“Great,” said Elena. “Busy. Tired.”
Stefan grabbed the two overnight bags. “And that intern, uh, Souvlaki —”
“Salinski,” said Elena, grinning.
“He still bothering you?”
“Actually, he stole my patient last week. Took his chart from right under my nose.”
Stefan stared at her seriously. “You want me to drive up there, spit in his socks for you?”
She closed her eyes and laughed, loud and unrestrained. It made Stefan smile, made him watch her with a slow-blinking gaze. It had been true from the moment he made her giggle — her laugh reminded him of what beauty, true beauty, was. It buoyed him, calmed him. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stop looking at her either. When Elena opened her eyes, meeting Stefan’s stare, her laughter died away. He made it impossible for her to breathe when he looked at her like that, her heart raced and her mind was serene. Still the same. If this were seven years ago, this would be when they’d kiss, when she’d lean into his chest, and he would secure her in his arms. This would be when she could let go.
“They’re probably waiting for us,” she said.
“Yeah,” said Stefan. “We should go.”
They paused for a minute and then reached for the gift bags at the same time, their fingers brushing. An exhale. It wasn’t possible. The briefest touch and everything in Elena’s head was singing, Stefan’s heart leapt, a spasm in his chest. His fingers itched for the feel of her skin and her skin burned for the softness of his touch. They couldn’t not again.
“Stefan, I…” Elena looked at him, her mouth silently moving, and then she sighed and walked away, heading up to the house.
“Well, just because they’re magical children doesn’t mean that everything about their educational experience should be different. We believe the kids should have holidays just like every other school, I mean even Hogwarts had Christmas break, so the kids are away for the long weekend,” said Caroline.
Elena smiled and Damon nodded lazily, his face red and eyes fluttering. They were seated around the dining table, plates of chicken parmesan in front of them. Stefan’s cooking, Elena noted. The first meal he’d ever cooked for her. She pressed her lips together. This night needed to end.
Caroline called out, “Babe, how’s it going with the wine?”
“Coming. Coming.” Stefan walked out of the kitchen, holding a bottle of red wine. “Sorry, I was deciding between a Cabernet or a Pinot Noir.”
“He has great taste in wine,” said Caroline.
“Mm,” said Elena, smiling. “That he does.”
Stefan grinned. Caroline looked at Elena, her lips pursed. “More wine, Elena?”
“I would love some.”
“Honey,” said Caroline, nodding over to Elena. “A refill for our guest?”
“Caroline, come on, I’m hardly a guest,” said Elena. “We’re family, right?”
“Of course, of course,” said Caroline, laughing. “But, you know, this is my house now and, um, you’re staying with me and my husband … I just want to treat you — you and Damon like guests. Our favourite guests.”
“That’s very generous, thank you,” said Elena, smiling. “I mean, of course, the deed is still in my name, so you know, it’s, it’s kind of also my house.”
“Well, it passed over to Lily a few years ago,” said Caroline.
“Actually no, Stefan said in the journal that Lily and the others just moved in. The deed never changed. So.”
Stefan and Damon glanced at each other and Stefan cleared his throat. “So,” he said. “Refills.”
He walked over to Elena’s seat and she stiffened as he bent next to her to pour the wine in her glass. Her skin flushed with the pressure of his presence and her body screamed for his touch, a brief caress, half a second. Stefan focused on the glass, his eyes fixed on the wine. Her scent was intoxicating and he wanted to turn to her, bury his nose in her hair, kiss her behind the ear. They glanced at each other briefly.
“Thank you,” she said.
“You’re welcome.”
The urge to kiss her wrestled within Stefan and he quickly left her side, walking back over to his side of the table. “Wine?” he asked Caroline.
She smiled up at him. “Thank you.” When he moved to pour the wine into her glass, Caroline raised her head and kissed him on the lips. Stefan cleared his throat for a second time and sat down.
“Think you’re forgetting someone, little brother,” said Damon.
“Damon,” said Elena. “Why don’t you take it easy tonight?”
He threw up his hands. “Why?”
“Because this would be your fourth glass of wine and your seventh drink tonight,” said Elena quietly.
“You’re counting my drinks again?”
“I just mean you’ll be in bed all morning tomorrow if you have any more.”
“It’s not like I have work tomorrow. The bar isn’t my problem this weekend.”
“I would just prefer if you didn’t,” said Elena carefully.
Damon opened his mouth but Stefan spoke first. “You know it was an adjustment for me too,” he said. “The tolerance levels—”
“Sorry, Stefan, but I’m having a private conversation with my wife,” said Damon.
“We’re at their table,” said Elena.
“We are at their table but you brought it up,” said Damon.
Elena sighed then smiled, putting her hand on top of his. “We’ll talk about it later.”
“Works for me.” Damon reached into the middle of the table for the bottle of wine. “So Stefan, how’s teaching life?” he asked. “Never pegged you to get into education but you always did have a soft soul.”
“Well —”
“Stefan has a great knack for it,” said Caroline, rubbing his arm. “The kids love him, he has a certain patience that gets them to listen to him.”
Stefan laughed. “I mean it’s really more of —”
“Did I guys get to tell you about the four year old witch, Stacey? She set the curtains on fire.”
“That’s right and —”
“Stefan was so calm,” said Caroline. “I mean you know me, I would’ve had an aneurysm but he just spoke to her and got her to put it out.”
Elena picked up her glass and started to laugh quietly. Caroline looked at her and smiled. “What’s so funny?”
“What? Oh nothing,” said Elena. “I was just thinking about sophomore year when Mr. Tanner asked me a question and you were the one who answered,” she said. “I just, I forgot you did that.”
Damon looked at her.
“It’s cute,” said Elena. “It’s a Caroline Forbes quirk.”
“Forbes-Salvatore,” said Caroline.
Stefan tried to stop the cringe that arrested him and Elena took a sip of her wine and nodded. “Right. Sorry, habit. You’ve just been Caroline Forbes for so long, you know?”
“Sure,” said Caroline, smiling. She picked up her glass. “Do you still refer to yourself as Elena Gilbert then?”
“Sometimes,” said Elena.
Damon furrowed his eyebrows. “You do?”
She looked at him. “I always correct myself afterwards,” she said. “Like I said, habit. You know what?” She pushed out her chair and stood up. “This wine is going right through me. I’m just going to go to the bathroom for a sec.”
Stefan carefully avoided watching Elena leave the table.
“Well this is fun,” said Damon.
“Yes,” said Caroline. “We should all get together more often. Stefan doesn’t really have the time to cook like this anymore so it’s worth it just for that.”
Stefan was barely following the conversation. He knew Elena wasn’t in the bathroom, she was on the porch for air. He wouldn’t do it. He wouldn’t go to her. He wasn’t the man who went after her anymore and she wasn’t the woman he was supposed to chase. He wouldn’t go. But he couldn’t stay where he was.
“Speaking of, cooking, I want to make sure the soufflé is rising properly, so I’ll be back.”
Stefan stood up as Damon started talking. “There’s soufflé?”
“Chocolate,” said Caroline.
Stefan walked through the kitchen, out to the back patio and paused when he saw Elena sitting on the steps, her arms wrapped around her middle. She turned around to look at him.
“Did you know I’d be out here?”
“No,” said Stefan.
“Really?”
“I thought …” He cleared his throat. “I thought you would be on the porch that’s why I chose to take some air here.”
“Oh, so you’re avoiding me then,” said Elena.
“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”
“I’m taking my cues from you, Stefan.”
“From me? You’re taking your cues from me? You won’t even look at me, Elena.”
“Because every time I do you’re kissing, Caroline,” she whispered furiously, standing up.
“And what, you’re abstaining from all physical contact with Damon?”
“He’s my husband.”
“And she’s my wife.”
Elena felt her face flush red with emotion. “Well I’m glad we cleared that up.” She muttered to herself, “I shouldn’t have come here.”
“Then why did you?”
“For this,” she said. “I came here for this. To see you happy with her. For you to see me happy with him.”
“Well I’m not happy,” said Stefan. “I’m falling apart. I was supposedto be happy, you were supposed to see me happy.”
“And I want to see you happy,” said Elena. “I’ve wished you happiness from the moment I met you. Honestly, it’s one of the things I want most, to see you truly happy.” She shook her head. “But I’m glad you’re not. And I have to live with that.”
Stefan sighed and turned to walk away but then paused, his throat tight with all his unasked questions, his hands trembling with all his unspoken sorrows.
“Keep going,” said Elena, her voice barely louder than a gasp. Stefan stayed where he was.
“Stefan, you were always stronger than me, stronger than almost anyone I know. I’m asking you to be strong now and please, please walk away from me.”
“I will,” he said, turning around. “I will but I need you to answer one question before I do.”
Elena bit her lip, she could feel herself breaking, feel her yearning swell in her chest and make it nearly impossible to breathe. He had that look in his eye, the same one he did when he kissed her the night they thought Klaus died, and it was killing her. “Stefan…”
“One answer to one question. You — you—” Stefan gritted his teeth. “You owe me that. Don’t you think?”
She nodded. “Yes. I do.”
Stefan exhaled and cleared his throat, willing his eyes to remain dry. “Why did you stop taking my calls?”
Elena lowered her eyes. Did it have to be that question? A question that had so many answers? That inspired so many feelings? Was he trying to torture her?
“Please answer the question. I just need a reason, even an unsatisfying one. It’s been eating away at me for weeks.”
“Well you’ve been eating away at me for months,” said Elena sharply. Stefan regarded her and she sighed.
“Any time we talked all I could hear was your voice afterward,” she said. “When I was sleeping, when I was working, when I was eating with Damon …it hurt me, knowing how much I wanted to keep hearing your voice, knowing how a different choice would’ve meant wanting to hear your voice with no guilt.” She looked up at Stefan. “I couldn’t live like that. Regretting what I could’ve had.”
Stefan stared at her. Her answer was what he’d hoped and dreaded to hear. If she’d only told him that he made her uncomfortable — it would’ve devastated him but he would’ve been able to live with it, never forget her but stop dwelling on her. Now he was stuck. How did she expect him to live after hearing that?
“Thank you,” he said. He took a step back toward the house but heard her call out.
“You —!”
Stefan stopped again. “I what?”
“You didn’t try that hard. I didn’t take your calls for three days and then you just stopped.”
“Six voicemails, ten texts and twelve emails,” said Stefan. “You didn’t reply to any of them. You didn’t want to hear from me, Elena.”
“I didn’t want to hear from —? I stalked your Instagram.”
“Wait, what? I have an Insta—”
“No, you and Caroline have an Instagram and I stalked it. All of your family photos. She posts, like, a billion a day. I couldn’t stand not knowing about your day that I stalked the Instagram created by your wife who happens to be my best friend. ‘I didn’t want to hear from you’, are you serious?”
“You stopped returning my messages.”
“After months of speaking to you every day! You didn’t find that weird?”
“Of course I found that weird, Elena. Of course I spent hours, days wondering what happened for you to cut off all communication.”
“Six voicemails, ten texts, and twelve emails and you never once asked why I was so distant.”
“Because I couldn’t admit to it hurting as much as it did,” said Stefan furiously. Elena’s lips parted.
“I’m married to your best friend. You’re married to my brother. We’re supposed to be in the past. How am I supposed to wake up next to my wife every morning admitting to myself that we’re never in the past? That’s, it’s — I’m never not in love with you.”
Elena sighed. “I’m never not in love with you.”
There was a pause and neither of them said anything. Elena ran her fingers through her hair and Stefan closed his eyes and exhaled. He leaned against the wall. “This is dangerous,” he said.
“I know.”
“We can’t do this.”
“We won’t do this,” said Elena. “We aren’t doing this.”
Stefan looked at her. “You and Damon need to go back to New York.”
“Me and Damon need to go back to New York,” she agreed.
They gazed at each other, their eyes shining with unspoken desires between them, silent wishes passed between them, the urge to go to hold one another, to taste home on each other’s lips, to succumb to the sheer intensity of their passion and embrace, but instead Stefan walked back into the house and Elena turned toward the backyard and allowed herself a single tear before going back into the dining room.