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ROSE: Statement of one Tavros Nitram, regarding a strange beehive and the events that unfolded after disturbing it. Original statement given April 10th, 2013. Audio recording by Rose Lalonde, head archivist at the Mindfang Institute, New York. Statement begins.
So… I go hiking sometimes. I used to go with my friend Aradia, but after she… disappeared, or died, I guess, I’ve been going alone most of the time. I know you probably get a lot of stories from people who see weird things hiking, so, um, I’m sorry if this is kind of boring to you. But, uh, the important part of this is what happened after the hike, I think.
Anyway, I went on this trail outside of Old Forge a couple weeks ago, near Bald Mountain. The weather was really nice at first, but the further I went, it started to get really hot, and really, really humid. I was sweating so much that my clothes started to get soaked through, which is crazy for New York in March, right? I mean, it is, isn’t it? I was deciding whether or not to turn back when I came to this clearing. There was, er, there was no grass anywhere, barely any vegetation besides this one huge tree in the middle. I don’t know what kind of tree it was, but it looked really, um, sick? Like, maybe there was some kind of mold growing on it, because the bark and the leaves looked kind of slimy, almost dripping with some sort of gold-colored goo. I guess it looked kind of like honey? It smelled absolutely rancid, like rotting yogurt, kinda. And there was this huge beehive sitting in the tree, There were giant bees swarming all around it, bigger than any other bees I had seen. They were buzzing around so loud, just making this horrible buzzing sound. And between how sweaty I was, and the bad smell, and that awful buzzing sound, all of a sudden I felt so sick that I could barely stand.
I should have turned around and run, and I wanted to, but for some reason I got this sense like I needed to knock down the beehive, like something evil was there and I’d destroy it if I smashed the hive. I barely remember it. I was delirious; I could hardly see or walk. But I grabbed a branch, a long branch right next to me that didn’t look like it had come from the bad tree… and I swung it at the beehive, and it came crashing down. I kind of expected the bees to swarm at me, and I fell over on the ground, but instead of bees, I saw this guy walking up to me. He was pretty short, and he was wearing these weird, like, 3-D glasses? And maybe I was just seeing everything double because I was so sick, but there was this weird effect to looking at him, like if you stopped concentrating on where exactly he was, it looked like he was in two places at once. And seeing that just made me sicker, and as he came closer, the, uh, the buzzing sound the bees had made just got louder, even though I couldn’t see any bees. The guy looked down on me, and all he said was, “You shouldn’t bother the bees.” He said it in kind of a scornful way, like he thought I deserved everything that was happening. And he talked with kind of a lisp, I remember.
When I could stand up, I ran away from the clearing. My vision started to clear up, and I was thinking I’d get back to my car alright, but then all of a sudden I noticed that the whole right side of my torso was sticky, sticky like it was covered in honey. I lifted up my shirt to check, and, uh… it was covered in the same stuff that was on the tree, and it smelled just as horrible. All of a sudden I was starting to get sick again. I bolted off the trail, hoping to find a stream or pond where I could wash it off. After I ran for a couple minutes, I remembered my water bottle, and I squirted it onto my side and tried to rub the sticky stuff off. I thought I got it all, but, I guess I didn’t, because before I could find the trail again, I noticed I was covered in the stuff again. And all of a sudden I heard that awful buzzing sound again, and got more nauseous than ever.
I vomited and fell over on the ground, and every time I tried to stand back up, I lost my balance and fell back down. And the… sap, I guess you could call it, was starting to get all over my body, like I was sweating it out or something. I felt really close to passing out, and then I saw him again, the beekeeper or whatever. This time he seemed even more like he was in two places, and the buzzing sound just got louder and louder. I kept throwing up, until eventually I was just uncontrollably dry-heaving, so much that my abs were starting to hurt really bad. The beekeeper didn’t say anything this time, but then all of a sudden there was this really cold rushing wind all around, and this voice that sounded like… like someone I used to know, just said, “Stop. He is not yours.”
I couldn’t see anything, since my face was on the ground, but I felt a ton of relief as the sound of the wind started drowning out the buzzing, and the cold wind dried my sweat. The honey didn’t disappear or anything, but the smell started to fade away. When I felt okay enough to stand, I got up and didn’t see anyone else around. I walked back to my car, went home, and took a shower, and that was that. But I still… can’t eat honey, really.
Statement ends. There’s little followup we can do here without mounting an expedition to the Adirondacks ourselves, which doesn’t seem worthwhile until we have something more concrete to go on. Dave did some digging on Mr. Nitram, and apparently he was last seen in 2015. Little to be found on the circumstances of his disappearance, but something tells me it was far from innocent. Coincidence and this institute are rare bedfellows, I’m already learning.
I’ll have to keep an eye out for any more mentions of this lisped beekeeper. Hopefully his distinctive eyewear will make him easy to identify in other statements. If only our dear, departed Ms. Pyrope had left the Archives in a more organized state, I could seek them out intentionally, but as it stands, we must stumble blindly on, for the time being. As much professional respect as I have for Ms. Serket, I’m becoming quite skeptical of her acumen vis-a-vis hiring.
JAKE: Ms. Lalonde? I have them!
ROSE: Ah. Speaking of questionable hiring choices. Just set them down outside my door, Jake! Those must be the markers. Having resigned any hope of putting him to useful research work, I tasked Jake with gathering up the seemingly innumerable red markers that Terezi left scattered and hidden in every crevice of the Archives. If they hadn’t been put to cryptic editorial use on so many statements, I’d assume the former Archivist was merely enjoying their fumes.
Kanaya is doing her best to get all the statements organized, but to be quite honest, I think she’s fighting a losing battle. I’m beginning to suspect, in fact, that Dave is going behind her back and undoing her work because he believes it’s funny to see her struggle. And while my respect for Kanaya and my duties as their superior demand I intervene, my intellectual integrity also compels me to record here my honest belief that it is, in fact, quite funny. End recording.