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Catra stared down at the little figure in the crib, and her insides tied themselves up in knots. It had seemed like such a good idea. She and Adora didn’t have family outside of each other. Not really. They’d wanted to build a new life together. Entrapta (with the assistance of Hordak and Wrong Hordak, though the former would never admit it) had helped her to reverse engineer Horde Prime’s gene splicing technology so the baby could be both of theirs. Catra’s and Adora’s little girl. And she looked like them. Tiny ears poking out between blonde curls. Sleepy eyes blinking up at the light that reflected through the Bright Moon crystals. Her irises looked like Adora’s, one green and one blue, but with little slits like Catra’s that grew and contracted as she struggled to focus on the world around her.
She was perfect. And that was what terrified Catra the most.
She didn’t know how to be a parent. The closest she’d ever had was Shadow Weaver, and she was not going to raise this baby the way Shadow Weaver raised her. As for what she should do, she didn’t know. At moments like this, her breath came in short, shallow gasps and her heart pounded and her knees nearly buckled with the knowledge that she had no idea what she was doing.
A sudden hand on her shoulder sent panic shooting like a bolt into her heart. She jerked back with a sharp hiss and...it was only Adora. Holding a hot cup of tea. By the smell of it, it was the minty one she’d been making Catra drink every night to make her sleepy.
“Catra, are you okay?” Adora’s brows knitted together.
“What? Yeah. Of course. I’m fine.” She glanced back down at little No-Name, whose eyes were starting to droop. Catra’s stomach flipped. She wasn’t sure why, but just looking at that little girl...at her daughter, made it feel like all the forces of the universe were gathering for war outside. And Catra’s only job was to keep this baby safe.
She should probably go to bed. She knew she ought to.
Catra bit the inside of her cheek.
“Maybe I should sleep in here tonight. With the baby,” she suggested. And even as the words came out, she knew it was a mistake.
Adora’s lips turned down in a firm frown.
“Catra. We agreed to accept help from the palace staff so you could sleep.”
“Yeah, but...but what if she needs me? She’s only been in Bright Moon a week.” Of course, in that week the baby had wanted for nothing. Catra was a constant fixture at her side, sometimes anticipating her needs before she could even cry. Their sleep schedules were basically synced up at this point.
Poor Melog was so annoyed by Catra’s constant short cat naps that they’d started sleeping in a different room. A clear message that they were not interested in adapting to Catra’s new routine.
“Catra. No.” Adora looped her arm in Catra’s and pressed a soft kiss to her temple. The sort she knew always stilled Catra when it felt like her nerves were fizzing. “You’re going to sleep with me.”
“But I-”
“You’re such a control freak sometimes.” Which was rich coming from Adora, miss take-on-all-the-responsibility-of-the-universe princess. Adora set the mug aside and twined her fingers in Catra’s. “Come on. Glimmer’s already set up a guard rotation to check on her during the night. Why don’t we actually let them do their jobs?”
“I don’t need them. It’s our job to take care of her.” Which sounded pretty feeble as she said it.
“Catra. We said we’d share the load. You’re trying to do everything yourself.” Adora squeezed her hand. “It’s okay to accept some help. So if we’re really in this together, you’ll let her sleep and come back to our room.”
Adora was right, of course. They’d made a promise. Catra keened softly and threw one last longing look over her shoulder before she let Adora drag her out of the nursery and back into their own room.
Not that she was ever going to get much sleep.
Every time Catra closed her eyes, she revisited all the awful places of her past. Only, this time, the baby was with her. She ran through a battlefield, choking on smoke and dust as the baby wailed in her arms. The world crumbled around her as reality splintered, and the baby flickered and faded away in front of her. She sank down in that horrible green pool, her mind on fire as Horde Prime smiled serenely, her baby in his arms.
After a while, Catra stopped trying and stared up at the ceiling. The crystals of Bright Moon reflected the stars, still a novel fascination to the people of Etheria. Adora dozed beside her, and all Catra wanted was to go and check on her baby.
But she also knew she shouldn’t. Bow had sat her down a year or so ago and explained that her nervousness and impulsivity wasn’t going to get better if she gave into it. That all she was doing was training her mind to seek out the quick solution. The more she gave in, the harder it would be to stop. And she’d promised Adora.
Catra slung an arm over her face. Maybe this would have been better if she’d carried the baby herself. Of the two of them, she didn’t have some magical transformation. They had no idea what Adora turning into She-Ra would have done to an unborn baby, so it was safer for Catra to do it. But the idea of being slowed down by a big, pregnant belly had been pretty unappealing at the time, so they’d gone for the creepy tube in Entrapa’s lab. If Catra had carried her, she might be used to the responsibility by now. She might be used to feeling like the baby’s whole life depended on her.
Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes and she sat up. It would be so easy. She could just hop over to the nursery and come back. Except she knew she wouldn’t come back. If she went into that room, she’d wind up staying there the rest of the night and breaking her promise.
With a soft groan, she flopped back onto the too-soft mattress and rolled onto her side. Adora looked so peaceful, Catra almost felt bad about nudging her. “Adora? Are you awake?”
“Mm?” Adora moaned groggily and blinked. “Catra? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I…” She hunched her shoulders, curling into Adora as she tried to make up a good excuse about why she’d just woken her up. Even now, Catra wasn’t great at the emotion thing. She knew she had them, but she couldn’t always identify what she felt or what she caused it. Certainly not now. The whole parent thing sends her feelings crashing into each other like hailstones in her chest.
“Talk to me.” Adora sounded more awake, now, as she reached out to push a messy lock of hair behind Catra’s ear.
Catra bit her cheek. “Micah said it only took a few days to know the baby’s name. But she’s been here a whole week already, and we were with her for two weeks in Dryl…” No. That wasn’t it. “And we don’t know what she’ll call us. We can’t both be Mom, that’ll get confusing.” Not that, either. It could be tedious, sometimes, sorting through her emotions by trial and error.
At least Adora was used to this. She watched Catra patiently, and her eyes didn’t once betray so much as a hint of annoyance.
Catra dug down deeper and finally managed to scratch at the itch. “I don’t understand how you’re so calm all the time with her! Like it doesn’t bother you being responsible for a whole entire person. I don’t know why I can’t be like that.”
Adora smiled and shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I’m pretty freaked out, too. But I know we’re going to try to do our best and take it one day at a time. I guess I’m just grateful we’re both around to get to do this.”
And wasn’t that so typical? Adora had always been so flexible. So good at rolling with the punches. Catra flopped back onto her back. “Everyone told us it was going to be so great to have a baby but nobody mentioned that it was going to be this scary all the time.”
“You’re scared because you care about her. That’s all.” Adora pressed a gentle kiss to Catra’s forehead. “I mean. I know I’m scared. I don’t really know the family I came from. I don’t know what kind of legacy I’ve unwittingly passed onto her. I worry every day that she’s going to have to take on the kind of responsibilities I did. But I also tell myself that, if that happens, she won’t be alone.”
“You’re so optimistic. It’s gross.”
“Want to tell me some of what’s scaring you?”
Catra squeezed her eyes shut “I…” And maybe it was because she was tired. Or because she’d already done some of the messy emotional work for the night, but everything spilled out so easily. “I’m afraid something’s going to happen and we’re going to lose her. I’m afraid she won’t like me. I’m afraid we won’t have anything in common. I-I’m afraid I’ll be like Shadow Weaver.”
And boy, did that last one hit hard. She opened her eyes, but everything was blurry and watery. Catra swiped at her cheek. Her fingers came away wet.
She sniffed. “I wasn’t taken from my parents. Either they died or they just dumped me in the Fright Zone. Either way, the only person who taught me how to be a mom was Shadow Weaver. I don’t want to treat the baby like Shadow Weaver treated us.”
“You are not Shadow Weaver,” Adora said firmly. “Catra, you’re already such a great mom. You love her so much we can all feel it.”
Catra swiped again at the fresh tears. “It’s only because I keep feeling this...this certainty that something’s happened to her. And I could have saved her. Only every time I check on her she’s fine. It’s driving Melog crazy. They haven’t come near me in days.”
“Yes, well,” Adora pursed her lips. “Maybe you could stand to let me take over a bit more. It’s not like I’m training much these days.”
“But I don’t want her to feel-”
Adora pressed her finger to Catra’s lips. “I’ll say it again. You are not Shadow Weaver. You could never be like her. You’ve shown the baby so much love. It’s okay to step away and take care of yourself, too. She’ll still know how you feel. I promise.”
Catra sniffed again and nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” Of course, Adora was right. She made perfect sense. If only that was enough to still the wriggling guilt in Catra’s gut.
Adora stared at her for a long moment, then glanced at the door. “But maybe...we could take it one little step at a time.”
Catra arched a brow. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“It means grab some pillows and blankets. We’re going to have a slumber party with the baby.
Warmth bloomed in Catra’s chest. She pulled Adora down into a quick, toothy kiss before scrambling to gather as much bedding as she could.
Within the hour, she found herself lying on a makeshift pallet on the floor of the nursery, spooned in Adora’s arms while Adora rubbed that spot on Catra’s neck, the one right behind her ear, that always lulled her to sleep.
For the first time since the baby had come into the world, Catra slept through the rest of the night, soothed by the distant, soft waterfall and the sound of Adora’s breathing.
--
When the morning light streamed into the room, she woke slowly, luxuriating in the warmth on her skin and the smooth, silky sheet pooled around her middle. She cracked her eyes open slowly to state at...an empty crib.
Catra yelped and leapt to her feet, only to trip in the treacherous sheets gathered around her ankles. She grunted as she hit the floor and rolled over... to see Adora sitting next to the waterfall, the baby nestled in her arms.
“Relax, I’m not gonna drop her in,” Adora teased.
Catra cleared her throat and smoothed a hand over her messy hair. “No. I know. I…” She really didn’t have a good excuse. She untangled herself and padded over to the waterfall, careful not to sit so close that it could spray her.
“Don’t worry, I already changed her,” Adora said. “It’s a lot harder than you make it look, but I think you’ve just been getting more practice than me.”
“I guess so.” Catra leaned forward to stare at the baby. One green eye, one blue stared back at her, her slitted pupils widening in recognition. And something clicked inside of Catra. A certainty or a connection itching in the back of her mind.
It must have looked pretty dumb because Adora poked her forehead with her free hand. “Catra? Did something break in there?”
“What? No.” Catra swatted away Adora’s hand and tried to concentrate. It was on the tip of her tongue. “For a name. What do you think of Carys? Or...Cara?” No. Those weren’t quite it, but she was getting close.
“Cara? Isn’t that basically just your name?”
“It’s a good name.”
Adora laughed and glanced down at the baby. Something passed over her face, and Catra would be willing to bet that Adora suddenly had the same feeling.
They both stared at the baby for a long moment, willing her to unveil her secrets. At last, it was Adora who spoke.
“Cora.”
Cora. Yes. It felt right. Catra reached out to brush a little golden curl off the baby’s forehead. The baby--Cora--giggled and grabbed her finger.
“You like that name?” Catra said, and Cora gave her a wide, toothless grin. “Okay. Cora it is.”
“Cora,” Adora repeated, then lifted her gaze to Catra. “I love you.”
Catra’s heart skipped a beat. She leaned over, pressing her forehead to Adora’s as one hand went to cup Cora’s head. She didn’t know what she was doing here. But she was ready to keep trying all the same.