Work Text:
It’s not like you can’t handle the lockdown. You can. You stay inside, draw, take walks. You’re not falling apart, you’re not. It’s just- It’s lonely. You’re an introvert, sure, but even you need the occasional human contact.
You and Robbe video call, and more often than not, it lasts for hours on end. But then- then one of his friends call, or his mother does, and you’re alone again. You’re home with your mom, but she’s a nurse, so the time you spend together is spent at a distance, but mostly you’re alone.
Robbe’s asked you whether it’s too lonely or if you’re doing fine. You know that if you would tell him how lonely you really feel, he’d feel guilty and get sad. There’s nothing you’d want less than to see him sad. You say that you’re doing fine, but you’re also pretty sure that he can spot your bullshit, even through the screen. He doesn’t ask, and you love him for it.
You tell your mom that it gets a bit lonely sometimes, and she suggests that you contact some friends from school. An idea that, in theory, sounds great. In reality, though, you can’t. The fact that you can be complicated and intense at times, and that Britt would always cling to you at the beginning of the semester, made it hard to get friends. There are some people in your class you talk with, but mostly, you’re alone.
You’re counting down the days until you can see Robbe again, and when the lockdown gets extended, you throw your calendar against the wall.
You don’t mind being alone, not at all, you thrive in it, really, but it’s just- you wish that people would at least try to contact you. Every morning, your lockscreen is empty from notifications, save from Robbe’s “Goedemorgen mijn liefde <3” texts sent to you at, what you’d like to call, the ass crack of dawn. You’re a morning person - but Robbe? Robbe wakes up at dawn, more often than not, and he rarely even looks tired.
Anyhow, your lockscreen is empty, and when your box of art supplies starts slowly dwindling down, too, you don’t know what to do. You and Robbe talk, and when you mistake his uncertainty for shyness, you’re ashamed (he falls asleep, and you stay up until the birds start singing, thinking about how you always manage to make people uncomfortable). You don’t think it’s wrong that he said no, you’re happy that he felt he could, but you’re ashamed that you thought he said yes when really he said something else. You don’t speak to Robbe a lot, during the days following, the shame and guilt eating you up.
You do your lockdown vlog for him that week, even though you can’t imagine him wanting to see it. When he says that he does, it feels like breathing for the first time in years. You’re extra intense in this vlog, and you’re scared that it’ll be further reason for him to break up with you.
It’s not. Robbe seems to be the only person who enjoys that side of you (you love him so much).
There’s an apotheosis. You call him later that night, right before he’s to go to bed, and ask him if he felt like he had to because you asked for it. He seemed into it, he did, but you know that you can often get intense and too caught up in your own world.
Robbe tells you that he did it because he wanted to, and because he misses you.
You turn nineteen, and you do it while home alone during lockdown. You never really had many friends to celebrate your birthday with, so when you’re asked to join a zoom call with all of Robbe’s friends, you almost cry.
Before you go to bed, Robbe calls you and there’s another apotheosis during which he tells you how much he loves you and how much he loves everything about you.
It doesn’t feel all that lonely, anymore, after that night.