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31 January
Dear Kim Seokjin
It’s winter now. Cold and biting. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, soft dewy snow lands upon me. Blankets me. It makes me blind and defenceless. So… I guess its no wonder that I didn’t notice I fell until it was too late.
I never thought I would find love in someone so foreign to me. Never thought seeing a small grin could tear my heart to shreds. Because I fell in love with you the moment I saw your soft smile. I fell for the sparkle in your eyes when you laughed with your friends. And for me, that hurt. It hurt knowing that I could never be the one who made you smile so brightly, as if the sun was reflecting onto your glistening white smile.
I wish I were braver. Am braver. You’re so close to me, so easy to reach out and talk to. But… when I try? It feels as if a chasm has opened before my very feet. Or-or as if a black hole has opened in my throat, swallowing any words that attempt to force their way out. Being so near, yet so far has never hit harder.
Yours,
Kim Namjoon
9 February
Dear Kim Seokjin,
I know you don’t know me but.. Will you be my valenti
11 February
Dear Kim Seokjin,
I’m sorry I couldn’t do it. I just want you to be happy. These hopeless letters that stem from these unwanted feelings that no one asked for.
Sometimes, I wonder if you feel me looking at you. I wonder if you feel my desire and longing, hoping and wishing for the fairy tale ending that we all longed for when we were children. I wish we were born in another lifetime… Where you’re the perfect prince and I’m a hopeless romantic prince from a neighbouring country, coming to ask for your hand in marriage. That would be wonderful and perfect, wouldn’t it?
No. This perfect fantasy isn’t true. And there’s not much my hopeless pining can do. Our relationship in another life is more like that of a prince and a lowly slave. After all, I will never be one worthy of your companionship.
I thought writing these letters would make it hurt less. I don’t know why it hurts more. Why this pain dwelling in my heart, shoved down by my deepest fears and insecurities surface again and again and again. A hopeless cycle if I say so myself.
I wish we had fallen in love in another lifetime.
Yours forever,
Kim Namjoon
14 February
Dear Kim Seokjin,
Happy Valentine‘s Day! It’s a bit of a one-sided valentine but I’m glad you look happy today.. You must have received lots of gifts today. I hope someone today made your day but thinking of you smiling with someone else, kissing them, looking so in love? I don’t want to imagine it because even now, I feel my heart falling apart when I imagine you kissing a nameless stranger. It hurts more than I can say when I imagine you smiling and cuddling with someone else. But, what right do I have to impose upon you my unwanted affections?
I wish I were brave enough to ask you to be mine but I know I’d only face rejection anyway but… I’ll still be hoping to be the one for you even if I know it’s only wishing thinking. A man can dream, can’t he?
Last night, I dreamt of you. I dreamt of you sitting in a garden, overflowing with tulips, violets and bluebells. And amongst all these beautiful flowers, the one that stood out the most, outshining the rest by far was you. You looked so angelic in my dreams, relaxed as if there was not a thing in the world that could bring you harm. With your rosy lips and cheeks, you looked like a painting out of the renaissance period. A stunning piece of art. That described you perfectly.
And god when I woke up and realised that once again, you weren’t here in my arms, it hurt. All over again. This never-ending cycle of pain and self-deceit. I wish you were mine, and I was yours.
Happy Valentines
Forever,
Kim Namjoon
8 March
Dear Kim Seokjin,
I see you sitting there in that cafe across the street. And no one is with you? I feel like a creep. A stalker. Looking at you from across the street but you look so beautiful, hunched over the table, sipping slowly from your coffee cup. Are you waiting for someone? You keep looking around… I want to talk to you but wouldn’t it be weird if I go up to you?
My friends tease me a lot. Maybe, just maybe now really is my chance to talk to you. Or maybe not… Perhaps another time would be better? I don’t want to bother you after all… But maybe right? I’ll never know if I don’t try.
Please don’t shatter my heart beyond repair.
Always,
Kim Namjoon
9 March
Dear Kim Seokjin,
I wish I dared to ask you out on Valentine’s day. Maybe then the I would be the one sitting across from you in that cafe across the street. As creepy as it may sound, when I saw seated there alone in the cafe at first, I felt this odd compulsion to go over and talk to you. It was this overwhelming urge to just say something to you. You looked so, so angelic in your pink, oversized sweater. I wouldn’t say you’re small but right then and there? You looked like an angel that descended from heaven, waiting to seize the hearts of many mortals who fell at your feet.
Then… just as I worked up my courage to go over and talk to you I saw this… girl walk up to you and sit down. I’m so pathetic but the moment I saw her, all I could feel were small pinpricks of pain piercing my heart. I wanted to be her. I wanted to be the one sitting across from you, making you smile that brilliant smile that lights up the whole damn world.
She made you look so happy. She makes you look so happy. Do you know in those romantic movies when you look at someone you love and suddenly the world around you stops moving and everyone is a blur? Except for the one you love. They become the only one in the world, right? That’s what it seemed when you looked at her. You looked so in love and I hope she treats you right. I just want you to be happy. Your happiness is my happiness and your pain hurts me too. She better treat you well. And if it takes me standing by to make you happy, I will eternally stand by because having you like this is better than not having you at all.
I love you,
Kim Namjoon
5 April
Dear Kim Seokjin,
I don’t have a right to say this.
I don’t have a right to say this.
I don’t have a right to say this.
But god damn it all. It felt so wrong seeing you in her arms.
I want to be the one you hold so close in your arms. I heard her talking about you to her friends. I overheard her tell them what a wonderful boyfriend you are. Heard her talking about your date when you snuggled together under the stars. And I could imagine you lying under this vast, endless sky but I can’t imagine anyone but me lying next to you. Maybe we would kiss slowly under the moonlit sky. Maybe we would hold each other close and fall asleep to the sound of each other’s heartbeats.
I can picture a future with you so clearly it hurts. I can imagine a wedding with you. I can envision our parents meeting each other and us kissing in front of everyone. I can imagine a honeymoon with you. We would spend the whole night holding each other close, whispering endearments. I can’t imagine a life with someone other than you.
I can imagine our children. They would be as gorgeous as you and maybe have my dimples. Simply thinking of this potential future with you and our children. Our children.. Can you imagine us as parents? Us raising our kids together? It would make me the happiest person alive…
But all these fantasies are crushed when I imagine her in my place. She’s beautiful, I can’t deny that. This selfish part of me longs to be her but her face appears more and more in my fantasies with you. Now, all I see is the both of you, sitting together in parks on dates. I see you giving her a beautiful bouquet of daffodils and it hurts more when I know the meaning behind those beautiful flowers. They symbolize new beginnings, right? She’s the new light in your life. The tunnel out. An escape, if you will, from the stressful life that binds your reality.
Why couldn’t it be me?
Forever,
Kim Namjoon
9 April
Dear Kim Seokjin,
I love you so much it hurts. Every moment awake I spend is filled with thoughts of you.
Time passes with every breath, every second.
Would you be pleased if you knew that every moment you spent, harbouring a grudge against someone is a moment lost with them. And every moment, a potential catalyst to the new, beautiful beginning of something new.
I resented her. I resented her because she had everything I didn’t. You loved her in a way you would never love me. How could my jealousy not burn bright during moments like these? I don’t have any right to treat you as if you’re mine. Because you’re not. You’re hers. Hers and hers alone and it’s during these times when I just wish (wishful thinking) you would love me the way you loved her.
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I should have seen how happy she makes you earlier instead of just wishing you would love me instead. She makes you happy and that’s more than enough for me.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I think of you every time I see the sun. I think of your brilliant smile that chases away the dark and dreary clouds. When this choking sadness overwhelms me, I think of your happiness and my pain is worth it. Every bit of agony I face will be worth it if it makes you happy. I’ll love you forever.
Please love me back in another lifetime.
Goodbye,
Kim Namjoon