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“Do you love him?” He reached across the table for his cup. Tasting both blood and guilt, Sing Soo Ling, let the warm coffee silence his response. He didn't care how he looked in front of Max, but he wasn't ready to let it show either.
“I can't replace what he lost.” Sing sat his cup down, patting the space next to him on the couch for Lady to jump on.
“I never asked if you could,” Max opened his bag and pulled out a Manila colored folder with its contents spilling out, “just look.”
Sing leafed through the contents and felt a pang of excitement and anger too. The guilt intensifying itself, Sing reached for his cup again, almost spilled it.
“When does he arrive? I can't believe he didn't tell me,” but Sing was able to believe it. He liked to keep tabs on Eiji, but sometimes he didn't know how to fully approach the shell of what was left. Eiji stayed the same throughout the years, but he was a puzzle missing a few pieces. And he didn't know how to fill the gap.
“Next month. He asked me to give you this though,” Max gave him an envelope, a familiar pang of memory years ago, with the same scratchy handwriting. Sing carefully opened the letter, reading its contents and taking them in.
“What does it read?” Max leaned forward, careful eyes. Sing knew Max would do all he could to keep Eiji safe. His, as he put it before, almost son-in-law.
“He wants to buy that house. But he also wants to rent an apartment here, close to the studio, and wants me to help him arrange a few things.” It wasn't even a hard decision for him. He would move heaven and hell if Eiji asked for it.
-
“I'm so sorry about Lady,” Sing felt Eiji rest his head on his shoulder, burying his face in his neck. Like always, Eiji knew what Sing needed. After finally letting Lady find some peace, Eiji let Sing cry, not moving once or even saying anything. He just let him grieve as best he could in their own wide world. For grief was their constant denominator.
They became accustomed to having Lady around on their good and bad days, that without her, they felt this empty warmth in their apartment.
“We should leave her on the mantle,” Sing held the urn tightly against him. He didn't want to let her go or leave her. Not yet. Not at all. Not another one gone. He half expected Eiji to console him, that it would get better, but he knew Eiji was never cruel enough to lie like that.
So instead all that came out was, “I am here Sing. I will always be here.” But Sing wasn't sure if the last part was for him, the dog, or the man that came between them always.
-
On normal days, Sing would make it home by 6. No matter what would happen, he made it a thing to be home for dinner with Eiji. But between work, school, business, and Eiji- a puppy was the most random of the rest.
“Where did you come from?” Sing bent down to pet the blonde labrador. The puppy didn’t really mind at all, but when they both heard the voice of Eiji on the phone speaking in Japanese, they both turned to the man. The puppy bounced towards the owner it so much loved, and Sing made his way to the only man who gave him his first realization of love and heartbreak.
“Oh hey Sing,” Eiji sat his phone on the counter and bent down to rub the puppy’s ears. “This is Buddy. Oh yeah, who’s a good puppy?” Eiji spoke affectionately, and with almost some life, he played with the puppy. He didn’t realize that Sing brought home Chinese.
“Sorry, I forgot today was your turn for dinner. Oh, did you get me-”
“The number 9 with a veggie eggroll. Of course, who do you think I am?” Both men made their way to the dining table and continued with their routine. The only new thing was the life and bounce of the blonde puppy.
-
“Did you ever realize that maybe there are some things worth not pursuing?” Sing sat on the couch across from Yut- Lung Lee who was sipping his tea and complaining about some business that went sour with the Italians from Long Island.
“What? Like your imminent heartbreak?” Yut threw the words at Sing, wincing at how he regretted it. He never meant to say it out loud and almost felt like he had to apologize.
“No, that I knew from the beginning,” Sing said, leaning forward on his knees. Yut was one to turn down touchy-feeling sessions with people, but he made an effort to be an ear for Sing whenever possible. He didn’t have anything to say and instead let Sing continue.
“The moment I knew what love was, I had my heart broken.” Sing said in an almost poetic way.
“Ever the poet,” Yut joked and felt a pang of sadness well inside him. He would probably hold guilt for how things went down, but he also knew that in the aftermath of actions, it was how he handled the consequence. He mended some bridges with Eiji and with Sing. The former took longer to reach, but eventually, Yut found himself a supporter of ‘Make Eiji Alive Again’.
“He loves you in the only way he knows,” Yut tried to find something to put into words that could offer some hope of reassurance. Maybe even lies, but something. “Maybe he is scared that you will die too. He lost so much in such a little time.” Yut thought back to Shorter Wong and how close they were that Shorter did not hesitate in trying to find a way to save Eiji before he was given banana fish. He didn’t know the particulars about Skip, but he knew that there was some bonding there too.
And then there was Ash. It would always come back to Ash.
“Probably,” Sing took the glass of wine he was always offered when he went to visit Yut and would always turn down. “Probably.”
-
There were bits of moments when Eiji would drink a little too much and speak his mind. Sing would oftentimes find them endearing and even adorable. But sometimes they were just an open reading of Eiji’s diary.
“And it was like something inside of me just,” Eiji gestured with his hands for the right word as Sing sat him on his bed, “broke.”
Sing drew the covers over Eiji as he tried to sit up to talk some more. There was nothing that could have been done to stop him, but Sing also didn’t want to stop him. Eiji never spoke so openly to him like this, and as selfish as it was, Sing enjoyed these moments when Eiji confided in him.
“That moment, you know which? After the pain subsides and dulls itself. That's all I look forward too.” Eiji mumbled as he tried to comb his fingers through Sing’s hair. It was hard and oddly positioned, so Sing leaned forward to let him. “But I also look forward to dinner with you Sing. You make me feel like I can still be me. You don’t coddle me like Ibe. You don’t awkwardly hover over me like Max. You just let me be. Why don’t you try harder to be imposing? I wouldn't get mad... I think?” Sing let Eiji drawl on until he got tired.
“You don’t get mad anymore because you can’t do much anymore. But if I told you that would you get mad at me? There is a difference between annoyed and mad. And between the two, I would prefer the latter.” Sing turned the lights off and kissed Eiji’s forehead. He felt Eiji slump forward and eventually his breathing evened out.
-
Then there were times when Eiji would be just honest without any substance.
“Truth is that I knew. I just wanted to be selfish. I saw you, and at first I saw what he could have done too. But I saw your pain and I am sorry that I ignored it. I just wanted to know that he and I existed! When I wake up every morning, there is that in-between time where I am half asleep and half awake, and within that time, I forget he dies. I forget the pain- just for those few seconds I am whole. But when I'm with you, I'm someone else, and I don't want you to be here to pick up the pieces- it wasn't ever your responsibility.” Eiji let the pouring of his pent up emotions flow like a river. “But I am glad you are. I'm too selfish in being with you. There is no comparison between you and Ash. For how can there ever be? You're you, and I love the you that is here. Don't be anyone else- please. I- if I were to lose you too, I know I wouldn't be able to survive it this time.” Eiji placed the words he could into a sentence for Sing to understand. He knew that Sing was not Ash. He knew that Sing was also hurting. He knew what Sing wanted.
“But isn’t that how it is? Being with someone can end so messy. It isn’t like in the novels or in the movies, sometimes things end in the middle of a sentence or too soon. They’re like a picture where you either get it or you don’t. And even if you do, you don’t always know what happened before or after. Just that moment is all you have. But you shouldn’t doubt that about me. This thing between us can’t end because I refuse to let it. And until you want me gone, I won’t go anywhere.” Sing crossed the living room and held his arms out for Eiji to step into them if he wanted to. The realization that being there like that would hurt like hell was something Sing did not expect to face so soon. Vulnerability for both men was this giant canyon neither was ready to cross yet. But yet, Eiji let Sing hold him. Both began to sway to invisible music both knew by heart from a lifetime ago.
But more than often, neither said a thing. It wouldn’t be until the pent up emotions would flood through that they would really see themselves. And at times, Sing couldn’t handle it anymore.
He had enough. The anger, the sadness, the lust- all of it came pouring out. He grabbed his wrist, dragging him onto the couch. He crouched over him, taking in what was left of the three: the lion, the rabbit, and the lynx. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, the same for the last 7 years. Except for resolution.
“I can be whoever you want me to be,” Sing finally gave in and fell onto Eiji. “Let me be here for you wholly.” And like that, Eiji's own grief flooded.
He went slack, and Sing knew it was coming. Eiji cried, and cried. Screaming, cursing, and releasing his ache and anguish. But he knew Eiji needed to break completely before he could heal. It wasn't ideal, but Sing stayed; holding Eiji through it all. When Eiji threw the case, the cup, and the pillow; Sing was there to pick the pieces up. When Eiji cursed Ash, at Lao, and himself; Sing was there to counter curse Eiji. And when Eiji finally fell and wailed; Sing fell with him. He held Eiji like his life depended on him, and Eiji the same. It was all Sing could do, but it was more than enough for Eiji.
“Let me love you. Let me in,” Sing pleaded, the tears falling and already knowing the answer.
-
“Sing!” Sing turned to the voice he knew so well. After a week of being alone with Buddy since Eiji went to his sister’s wedding, he forgot how he ever got one without Eiji. The days dragged on and the next day became impossibly longer than the last.
“How was it? Did you take a lot of pictures?” He helped Eiji bring in his luggage into the living room.
“Yes! It was pretty since her husband wanted to do a traditional and modern wedding to accommodate both families. It was a lot of dancing.” Eiji slumped onto the couch and seemed less and less of a carcass.
“What did they say about your hair?” Sing stood behind Eiji and began to pull the unkempt hair into a ponytail. Eiji liked those moments when they were just alive together. When Sing would brush his fingers through Eiji’s hair, his heart sometimes felt like it skipped a beat.
“My mother almost cut it off the first night. I panicked and then... “ Eiji breathed, not yet over the night when they would not sleep well all those years ago, “Anyways. I managed to guilt them into letting me keep it.” It was amazing how more and more Eiji would open up about his time with Ash. The moments of bravery made him hard around the edges and almost like a doll no one wanted to break. But he was stronger than all of that. Lately, he would take to joking about the events and even gained a sparkle in his eyes.
“Oh,” Sing went to the mantle where there was a folder, “Max came by and dropped this off. He said something about renovations and yada yada. I don’t know, he said to call him when you returned.” He gave Eiji the folder and sat next to him, feeling the warmth that was missing in their apartment.
“It’s about the house.” Eiji read the rest of the papers and Sing wondered why they just didn’t email or text like regular adults these days. He wondered if it was because they missed their days of being secretive or something. He wouldn’t ask. He was scared of the answer.
“Let’s go to the house. You, me, and Buddy. Let’s take a vacation.” It was abrupt but Eiji never asked for him to go with him. He normally would go alone, and return a little bit thinner and emptier than before. Not empty, but more troubled and tired.
Sing smiled and only asked, “When?”
-
When they arrived, it felt as cold as the previous owner. It was beautiful and vast, but it also felt contained and stagnant in its position in life. All the things that were Ash. Sing had gone a few times to the house, but never like this. He felt the house as alive as Ash was dead. It made a little sense as to why Eiji always would take time away and return but instead of a little better, he would return hurt and more tired than the last time. This was how he would force himself to relive the grief.
“I said it before,” Eiji turned the lights on and turned to Sing. “I will always love Ash. He is a part of me and who I have become. And you are not a replacement, you never were. Maybe at the beginning you were a reminder of something I needed to be reminded of, but you are you. It’s not fair, but when you are around I dream less and less of the bad and more of the normal. I’m trying to say- no. I am trying to extend this offer. If you want to be with me then I am letting down whatever walls are up and if you don’t want to cross them then that’s fine. I can go back to how things were.” Eiji’s eyes bore into Sing’s and Sing wondered how long their feelings were too muddled. They always had a line neither crossed. But this time, somebody vocally offered for their lines to be broken.
He wanted to cross the opening, but he also knew how things could end if Eiji went back to himself. There was so much on the line and Eiji was smart. More than being smart, he was always attuned to Sing’s feelings and smiled before heading to the kitchen. Sing stood there for a moment trying to let his brain adjust to the speed of things.
Eventually he walked to where Eiji stood brewing some coffee. And let his chin fall on his shoulder from behind.
“I too am letting my walls down, but you have to know that I won’t hold anything back.” Sing whispered, letting the intimacy of their feelings slice whatever was left. Be it the ghosts of their pasts or their fear of the future. Whether they would resume life as they had been or break together, they stood there breathing in and out. It was comfortable and not at all dangerous. It was a different danger that ignited them.
Eiji turned to him and smiled. “Okay.”