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In retrospect, a promise shouldn’t have been that hard to keep.
Nagi knew this very well. Promises were never hard to keep because it was just a light agreement and there were hardly ever any stakes. Nagi never made promises that took from his own benefit because that was just how he worked. (He called it symbiosis, but Zantetsu insisted that was why he failed his first year science class and Nagi kept his mouth shut.)
Back to the original point. A promise should not have been that hard to keep.
He could’ve stayed with Reo. Not much would have changed that way. He had promised to stay with him as long as they lived.
That same exact thought continued to plague his mind while he advanced through the testing gates with Reo’s slumped body burned into his retinas, because there was something churning in his gut that made him want to throw up. It was for his ego, Nagi reassured himself, that he’d left Reo behind.
Reo would understand. He always understood, when it came down to the rawness of all their conflicts. Nagi never apologized, and Reo was always the one chasing. Nagi just bolted forward with Reo at his heels, and to Reo, it was normal to try and catch up.
They were so fucking imbalanced yet harmonic it almost made him laugh. In that match against Team Z, whatever limbo they’d been in had broken the second Nagi’s curiosity overcame him. While Nagi pulled move after move from his gallery of memories watching Reo play, Reo looked on in a daze because why hadn’t Nagi ever shown that curiosity around him?
In the Team V locker rooms, Nagi’s shoulders shook. But it was in anticipation, rather than disappointment.
( Behind him, Reo cried. His eyes stung. He kept his mouth shut while his throat twisted and walked back to the cafeteria because Nagi had never looked twice at him that day and he’d just experienced his first loss in his entire football career. )
When Nagi moved forward through the gates and Bachira slapped Isagi’s shoulder in a fit of laughter, the pain in his gut doubled.
This time, Nagi looked back.
Reo was gone.
When they lost against Itoshi Rin, Nagi had practically expected that exact outcome. There was no way they could’ve won, because Nagi hadn’t seen someone play as vigorously as Rin did, or with as much violence.
( Isagi later rubbed his arm in resignation. It was decorated in bruises and blemishes from their match, and Nagi recalled Reo doing the exact same. He denied it hurting at all. Isagi’s arm was blotchy. Reo’s arm was a mess of purple and black. Neither of them cried. )
Bachira leaving came as a shock, but Nagi knew that Isagi would eventually get his shit together, because while Bachira’s irises gleamed with that malicious gold, emulating the clearness of the beast he contained, Isagi radiated a flame of pure and sheer willpower that was terrifying enough for the field under their cleats to burn in triumphant fury.
(Isagi politely refused to give him a backride.
Reo would’ve never refused that. )
Barou was an enigma : partially because Barou reminded Nagi of a rabid bear who was stuck in the body of a criminal, and more so because he switched from hard-faced fury to slightly gentler rage when Nagi mentioned Reo for the first time since he left.
“You mean the red-haired kid? He fucking radiated rich boy energy, and you deadass miss him?”
Nagi pinned him with a half hearted glare. Barou’s eyes narrowed.
“No, you fucking buffoon, I just feel guilty for leaving him behind.” Nagi tugged at his bangs. He’d dyed them earlier that year, but for some reason, his roots were already starting to grow back in.
( Reo had dyed it with him. They’d been sitting on the floor of Reo’s bathroom, with Reo running his hands through Nagi’s hair while the latter had his eyes focused on the game console in his hands. )
Yet another thing he was losing. Nagi wondered if bad decisions made butterfly effects that were even worse. That’d explain the shithole of guilt he’d just buried himself in.
“You should, you asshole. Imagine him just ditching you for some basic guy he’d just met a day ago. I’d probably beat the living daylights out of you, if I were him.” Barou leaned against the wall of their room while Isagi snored under Nagi’s bunk. “That’s just me though.”
“Thank you so fucking much for the reminder, Barou. It’s whatever. I’ll get over it and we’ll be fine the next time we meet.”
Nagi pulled the covers over his head and turned away.
When his eyes shuttered to a close, he vaguely remembered the scent of Reo’s pomegranate-scented sheets, and the afternoons they spent after school playing video games with Nagi nestled under his covers and Reo with his head in Nagi’s lap.
The glow of that afternoon seemed so far off that Nagi almost forgot what it felt like to feel the warmth of Reo’s skin on his.
When they met again, in the baths, Nagi had jumped at the chance to talk to Reo again.
He’d faltered, at first.
Reo’s face was nothing short of exhausted — his eyes were sagging with some sort of ungodly lack of sleep, rings of dark purple and tired lines circling the underside of his eyelashes like permanent marks. His eyes seemed to be hardened, slightly, as if he’d just seen something disgusting and traitorous.
Nagi shivered. The bathwater was kind of cold today.
He’d debated speaking up, for a bit. But his desire to talk to Reo again, after so long, had ultimately taken over. When he finally opened his mouth, however, Isagi had beaten him to the conversation first.
“Hey! Kunigami!”
Isagi slapped Kunigami on the back (Chigiri winced at that) and they both delved into fits of rapid conversation, catching each other up on what they’d missed in the span of a day. Kunigami glanced briefly at Chigiri, who showed him a sarcastic thumbs up, to which he rolled his eyes and returned to animating his night with two divas of the highest fucking degree.
(According to Kunigami, Reo had argued with Chigiri for an hour over a hair dryer, and eventually had settled for grumbling about prejudice. He fell asleep soon after, and Chigiri had bitched about it all morning.)
Reo stood up and dazedly stared at Nagi for a second, before sitting back down. They held each other's gaze for a second. And a minute. Until Nagi felt the skin of his fingertips wither and he realized that if they didn’t speak up, they’d keep up this hissy fit for longer than they needed to.
Chigiri awkwardly twirled the ends of his hair with his fingers. Nagi almost felt bad. Almost.
“Reo.” He spoke, and the boy in question flinched and looked up.
“What do you want?” He replied, his voice laced with some kind of hybrid of anxiousness and hope and frustration that made the guilt in Nagi’s consciousness grow even more.
“How’ve you been?” He stretched out his hand for a high-five. Reo slapped it away, and Nagi recoiled.
The water seemed a lot colder now. The nape of Nagi’s neck was soaked—his hair was starting to stick to it, and he realized he was sweating. He was nervous.
Huh. He thought absently. That’s pretty new.
“Oh I don’t know,” Reo scoffed, the water rippling around him as he adjusted his position to lean against the rim of the bath. “Fine I guess. Pretty shit, y’know, what with my best fucking friend ditching me for someone they knew for a day. Yeah. I’m fucking peachy. Thanks for asking.”
“That’s kinda called for.” Chigiri spoke up. He quietly wrung the water from his hair. “That was a shit move, Nagi.”
Reo threw him a wary side glance, but Chigiri just gave him a small, knowing smile that only peaked Nagi’s already rising temper. Reo smiled back. Nagi wished Reo had smiled at him, instead.
That was a cheesy thought. He tucked it farther back in his brain.
“I left with Isagi because I said I wanted to play with him, Reo. I’m not replacing you.”
“Yeah, maybe you should’ve given a prior warning or something before you called me a liability and fucked off with those two.”
“I didn’t call you a liability? The fuck?” Isagi and Kunigami had gone quiet. Beside them, Nagi heard Chigiri muffle a small, “Oh shit.”
“You might as well have.” Reo grumbled, folding his arms under his chin. He was tucking himself in. Making himself smaller. It was a classic Reo move. But he only did it when he was so incredibly frustrated he wanted to disappear—Nagi had never been on the receiving end of that before.
(It kind of hurt.)
Nagi helplessly glanced at Isagi. He shook his head, his eyes wide. Behind him, Kunigami mouthed a very obvious, “You fucked up, dude.”
Reo stood up. In the quiet of the bath, the sound of his feet padding away seemed much louder than they were to the rhythm of the blood rushing to Nagi’s ears like a typhoon.
Reo was gone. Reo had voluntarily left Nagi, without an apology, or a resolution. They hadn’t made up yet.
Nagi was so fucking screwed.
The day of their match did not go any better.
Isagi and Barou decided on Chigiri.
Nagi saw Reo crumble a bit more. That same guilt burned at the pain in his muscles a bit more. The ache hurt a lot less than that pang of constant regret.
Chigiri and Nagi got along well. Chigiri had briefly mentioned the way Reo had acted the night after they’d teamed up, chalking it up to odd behavior due to a lack of sleep.
He was curled around his pillows instead of tucking them under his head. It was super weird, cause I’d expect him to want to sleep comfortably or whatever.
Chigiri had remained blissfully oblivious.
Reo and Nagi usually slept together.
Reo was curled around his pillow because Nagi wasn't there anymore.
He wanted to smack himself. But at the same time, he also knew Reo would eventually understand that he left because he had to. He left for his own growth. If he’d stayed, he would've been left behind.
( And if Reo wasn’t a part of his growth, then what? )
Nagi pushed that thought farther back. It went into the depths of his memory where he kept the things he hated to dwell on.
He kept it shut up for a while. It was better that way.
Reo used to keep a dream log because he was a sappy rich boy with lots of time on his hands and parents who neglected him.
His dreams consisted of fantastical realms and vivid hybrids of color and sound, of people with five eyes and a thousand arms, of animals in business suits and the sun, with Reo and Nagi and ‘Tetsu in astronaut suits bouncing from one sun flare to the other.
Nagi’s favorite Reo dream was the most basic one. Reo and Nagi, sitting at the farthest table in a cafe. Sharing a bowl of ice cream while sunlight filtered through the windows.
Reo had whined loudly that his most boring dream just had to be Nagi’s favorite one.
Now, Reo would probably scoff. He’d blink at Nagi twice if he mentioned that dream, even if it was his favorite. Nagi wished he hadn’t fucked up this bad because jesus fucking christ did it hurt for Reo to pretend like he’d never existed.
When Nagi finally chased after Reo, time slowed down.
It was after they’d met by accident again, in the baths, and yet this time they were both alone and Reo had soap in his eyes and hair so he didn’t notice Nagi come in.
Nagi hadn’t bothered speaking up.
“Oh shit, my bad. I used all the soap. You can use the extra over there I think. It’s the one I brought with me though.”
He carried himself slightly louder so Reo would know he’d heard him, and washed himself in the silence.
When the soap and water were out of his eyes, and Reo finally turned to him with a sheepish smile that Nagi had missed so much, that same smile fell, and hardened all at once.
Reo picked up his towel. Nagi felt that same regret flash, and he acted on impulse.
In retrospect, grabbing Reo’s ankle hadn’t been the best idea.
Reo slipped (obviously) and fell, (obviously) and Nagi tumbled backwards as water erupted onto the sides of the bath and Reo’s frustrated yelps were muffled by the sounds of Nagi coughing on bath water.
“What the fuck?” He asked when he finally resurfaced. “Deadass, I don’t know what called for that because I literally gave you my fucking soap. Are you mad cause I breached some sort of code? Is it cause we aren’t friends anymore?”
Nagi wanted to laugh, but he felt too miserable to even try, so he went for a better explanation.
“I just want to talk, Reo.”
“Fat chance. Talk to my fucking shadow, asshole.”
That was new. Reo hadn’t called him a name before.
“That’s bull, you know I’m not an asshole. Please. Just stay so I can give you an explanation?
Reo’s eyes seemed to waver for a second. He sat back down and kicked his legs in the water.
He looked so utterly vulnerable that Nagi almost wanted to cry.
“I’m sorry, Reo.” It echoed. “Y’know, when I first met you, it was really boring being around people. All I did was play games on my console and sleep in class, and I never really had much to do. But you introduced me to football, and football became fun because I was playing it with you. I never truly valued the sport until I realized how much fun it truly was to play for myself.”
He took in a deep breath.
“Reo, I don’t think anybody I know would ever replace you. Never. Making new friends is the bane of my existence anyway, but you’re the only person I’ll ever gravitate towards because you’re my best friend, Reo.”
He fidgeted with his hands.
“It’s a lot harder to sleep without you there.”
Nagi looked up. Reo’s eyes were cast downward, but he’d unmistakably spoken.
“Yeah. It is pretty hard. It’s weirdly over dramatic, but I’d forgotten what you looked like.”
“Wow, Nagi. Replacing me that easily?” Nagi hastily waved his hands in denial. “Don’t worry,” Reo laughed. “I was just joking.”
And that knot in Nagi’s stomach released, because everything was okay now.
Reo slipped his hands into Nagi’s and laced their fingers together, his head tilted towards the ceiling. Nagi eyed the ends of his hair that twisted as they dried.
Below the water, Reo squeezed his hand lightly, and his lips quirked slightly.
“Can I take that as a,Yes I accept your apology, Nagi?”
Reo snickered and the sound surrounded the room like a warm gust of air. “Take it as whatever. I can’t stay mad at you for so long any way.”
(When they returned to their respective rooms, Nagi felt the loss of Reo’s warmth against his palms. Chigiri and Barou gave him two equally knowing smiles, and Isagi stared on in confusion muttering about geniuses with aloof senses and stupid morals.
At midnight, Barou pulled Nagi down onto the floor and they sat, tucked in the corner of the room, with Barou counseling Nagi, and Nagi staring, starry-eyed, at the empty space behind the door, where Reo’s hypothetical form had brushed his lips against his cheek hours before, kissed his knuckles, and walked away with a face redder than the sun from his dreams.)