Chapter Text
Weekend, at last.
So started the most waited time of the week when it was possible to relax and forget about work and the world just for two days. Saturday marked the first morning to sleep in without troubles or alarm. Good life no ?
Not exactly.
For Yi each day was counted. At one point time would run out, after a few months of sickness that brought him closer to potential death. Not any kind of disease, this one was called hanahaki and it had plagued his thoughts and health for some time already. Only unrequited love could affect someone to that point and unless these feelings were returned, he would cough petals until his very end. A slow lonely death.
Yes it was unfair, personally he had never wished for something of the sort. It would have been a lot better just to keep this fondness for a certain close friend in check. But no, it had to be unrequited. A door closed before he could even reach it.
Honestly he wouldn’t ever think about blaming his friend for that, life was this way and no one could fight infatuation when it happened. Except it seemed not to be mere infatuation. It was more than that.
To begin with, Yasuo had been part of his life regularly for some years. First as highschool friend, even though they couldn’t be exactly classmates as Yasuo was a year younger, then as roommates. There had been barely a short year without seeing him much while he completed his last year in highschool. Such a time seemed far from now, a rather cherished memory of a time when he could see the two brothers almost everyday. Of course it was different from living with them as he did now but from the start he took a small liking in this noisy boy that made sure to get in troubles. Very kind when one got to know Yasuo enough. This probably was why Yi had looked after him during highschool, for both his and Yone’s peace of mind.
So these now feelings weren't exactly love at first sight, on the opposite. It was the result of two years listening quietly Yasuo go about his life, his issues and happy times. Like a good friend should do, except Yi maybe got too fond of him. All this took another sense when he and Yone had passed their exams, allowing them to continue their studies to college.
It resulted in a rather low year, spent in a new city far from everyone except Yone that had agreed to move in a shared flat. This was cheaper for them and the most logical decision since they studied in the same city. Life was nice even when it got a little difficult to adapt and discover this newly found freedom. Far from his parents. Now he was allowed to be more like himself, even thought the changes weren’t so drastic.
What this single year had taught him was that he missed Yasuo. As simple as that. Maybe not in the way that he thought. At first Yi blamed homesickness, still missing the place of his childhood and a time of his life when there weren’t as many responsibilities. Freedom was good but with it came money. A few months had passed and then it became clear he also missed Yasuo as an individual. Some of his former classmates and friends weren’t as present in his thoughts. No more noise around, no more complaints about specific teachers or classes. At least they could message each other a little but soon it became clear it wasn’t just missing a friend. There were a few things he couldn’t say and ask.
Feelings truly hit him with realization when next summer ended and Yasuo joined them. At first it seemed a bit like a joke between the three of them but little by little they truly planned to get a new place able to welcome the youngest of the trio. It had been barely three months ago and yet Yi couldn’t forget a time when he hadn’t been suffocating over feelings.
Yasuo had moved in and this new shared life had just showed the many things that Yi had missed about him. Presence, laugh and discreet kindness. What not to like ? He was terribly aware that he wasn’t alone thinking that sort of things about his more-than-close friend. After the new wave of soft feelings for getting to see each other every day, every morning and evening came the sudden wall of doubt. Yasuo was very social, a bit more than Yone and a lot more than Yi. He was the one getting out on the specific evenings like Thursday and Friday. In itself it didn’t bother Yi as they were all adults and the latter could do whatever he wanted. What killed him gently – literally now – was to know Yasuo slept outside sometimes.
So this was the way it was.
Not more than a month after Yasuo’s arrival in their happy routine, Yi started to feel pain, something too physical to be nothing. First an ache then petals. This was what slapped him in the face stronger than everything. What he had thought to be friendship then gentle fondness was in fact condemning him to a slow death.
From that day his life had taken a sombre turn, no matter how colorful these petals were. It was a warning, if he failed to be loved in time, he would have to chose between losing this love or his life. It didn’t matter if these petals were from sunflowers, a rather happy thing for the sunshine Yasuo could be in his life. It didn’t matter anymore.
It quickly became tiring, the sickness taking over little by little. Coughing was horrible, sometimes Yi would feel like suffocating, unable to breathe. At least in the first month he had managed to keep that to himself and pretend it was just a cold or whatever flu was running at the time. In no way the other two could know what it was, it would just spiral from there into admitting feelings. Yasuo shouldn’t ever hear about it, no matter how painful it was.
If that were to happen, it would be over. It was none of their business. Furthermore Yi knew that if his dear friend heard about it, he would feel guilty. Even though it wasn’t his fault. They were all so close, they had gone through highschool together and all the trio cared about each other. Yi refused to think about a time he wouldn’t be able to move anymore, or just dead. It hurt so much, not just the disease spreading little by little. This was his fate, to burry these feelings forever.
However things never went according to plan. Something like a few weeks ago, Yasuo had confronted him about lying over his condition. It couldn’t be just a cold, or whatever Yi had said before. It was even worse because usually Yi never lied, unless it was for the best. Like right now.
Of course the two brothers would tell each other. Yone knew and that same evening Yi had to admit he wasn’t sure to make it out alive. The few times he had seen a doctor, it was clear the hanahaki was slow but he couldn’t just sit there waiting. That evening, his heart was broken a little more. They didn’t want him to die, they tried everything to convince him to do something, at least for himself.
It failed.
Yi refused to take such drastic decision. It was so unfair to have this choice between dear feelings or his very life. It wasn’t always he expressed a lot but that time he had to push them away. He wasn’t proud of himself, without a doubt it hurt them too since they were a close trio. If only he could be truthful, that would be a weight less but on the other hand it meant handing the guilt to Yasuo. Yi preferred to carry that alone, picking these damned flowers he wished had never happened.
So here he was on this Saturday morning. Another day spent in his bedroom, after he hadn’t been able to attend classes for the very first time. It was justified but he hated it all the same to be impacted to such point by the disease.
Yi barely spent no time outside of his bedroom. This was both because he didn’t feel great and because outside there were Yasuo and Yone, who’se life hadn’t gone slow since the beginning of the hanahaki. If he were to step outside, they would ask him more. Worry could do so much, Yi was sorry for causing this.
Another day spent coughing and sighing after these useless feelings. If only things were different.
Yi couldn’t pretend to ignore them forever, he still went for meals. It was a difficult time because there was this heavy tension around, no doubt they wanted to ask him more or tell him to confess, chose the operation. None of this was happening. For now neither Yone or Yasuo had said anything in the week, even though sometimes they glanced at him when they thought he wasn’t paying attention. He felt it, worry and sadness. Pity. The worst was to feel this from Yasuo, the target of his love and yet so oblivious to these feelings.
It’s not his fault.
At some point there was a knock to his door when Yone called him for lunch. It had been a good week since the two brothers took over the preparation of meals, to leave Yi as much rest as possible. It stung a little but he let them do, although he didn’t like being treated like the dying man he was.
Everything went well – or at least rather normally – until the end of the meal, when Yone spoke in a tone far too controlled compared to their chatting during lunch : « Yi ? We have to talk. I know you don’t want to but please, just once. »
Just when Yi was starting to wash his plate, the only things the other two would let him do at max. Ah. So he was right to worry. It couldn’t go long without question. He understood the reasons for that but he wasn’t ready. He would never be ready.
Another fit of coughing took him suddenly before he could reply. As soon it got a worried reaction from the other two.
Once it was over Yi tried to speak and it wasn’t too terrible.
« Alright, just once. But I doubt this will help. » He faced them, trying his hardest not to let anything show in his expression. Yasuo was just there, unable to hide his concern, making it so painful.
« Why don’t you let us help ? It feels like you don’t care. » Of course Yasuo would speak now that he had a short occasion.
Yi returned to his chair, not feeling so fine at the moment to stay up for too long. Both brothers were sitting at their chairs, all attention on him.
« I do care but nothing will change. There is nothing you and I can do about it. »
« There is the operation, you know it. You still have a solution. » Yone too looked concerned, obviously this wasn’t a good time for them neither.
« Try to be in my shoes for a while, would you really want to cut everything out knowing that something used to be there ? I’m sorry but you can’t understand. I refuse to let that go. »
It was a bit hurtful to say while neither of his friends deserved this. Life was unfair, all of them deserved a better one without this useless risk. Yi didn’t know if he wanted to take this back or not, in any case it was true.
« Is it truly worth it, to die for someone that doesn’t care ? I don’t want you to die, even if you don’t care. » Here went Yasuo’s anger. Hot-blooded, like always, he spoke before thinking and then he resumed a little lower : « Have you thought about the other way ? Did you try to confess ? »
How could he say things like that, oblivious to these feelings ? This was soft hell, Yi had to remain composed but it was so difficult to sit there completely blank. Maybe that was why they thought he didn’t care, because he had hidden everything.
Words that could have meant the world if things were different. How cruel.
« If there was a chance I’d have confessed a long time ago and I wouldn’t even be sick. So yes, I’d rather die for someone that doesn’t care about me, that’s the principle of unrequited feelings. »
Hearing Yi so much and on such tone had to be quite stricking for them. He never meant to hurt but he was angry at Yasuo – without being right – for saying this. Emotions bubbled up, soon it would break. I should go.
« Yi, who is that ? Even if you don’t care anymore, you can’t keep that for yourself. They’ll want to know why. » Yone was back at it.
« This is none of your or their business. » Tone threatening to break.
This was too much, Yasuo was right here and they were urging him to tell. It already felt like too late, in no way Yi could escape that conversation now. They won’t stop….
« Tell us anyway ! What if you’re wrong and they love you too ? » Such a thing said by Yasuo, it couldn’t be real.
« They can’t ! I know it and it won’t change. Let me be. »
Was he shaking ? It could be. This was too vulnerable, too close to the truth. Please stop…
« So you’ve talked to them ? »
Yi shook his head no but it felt wrong, all of this was wrong : « I just know it. »
« Please, tell us. Is that someone from college ? »
Another time shaking his head. Yi did his best to ignore Yasuo’s presence in this room, the same reason he was sick.
« So who ? Please, we’re doing that to help… » Of course, Yone wouldn’t do that to hurt him. He was deeply caring about his friends and family.
Looking at his lap, Yi had to give up. Now. I can’t….
« …Promise me you won’t be mad. »
How far of his usual confidence ? Now he was like a pale copy of himself, just a shadow brought down by the disease and unreturned feelings. This was going to hurt not just him but also Yasuo.
« Of course we won’t. We’re friends. »
If only he could trust Yasuo right now. If only.
Yi gathered his courage, fearing another moment of coughing nearby. It felt like he wouldn’t be able to say these words. Inhale, exhale. Breathe. The tears weren’t far but he couldn’t afford it right now, this was too open.
« I-I love… » Could he ever finish this sentence ? Yi looked up, trying his best to stand Yasuo’s worried gaze. That wouldn’t do, it hurt already. In last resort he pointed at Yasuo as he spoke with difficulties : « I love you, Yasuo….I’m sorry. »
If only the hanahaki could kill him on the spot to prevent him from witnessing that storm of reactions. I said it… A weight lifted but so much hatred for himself.
He was going to cry, he knew it. He had never cried in front of them. This couldn’t be happening right now. To see their expression change little by little after that confession was a special kind of torture. Would it turn into disgust, sadness, incomprehension ?
Too much.
Without any way to compose himself, Yi got up and ran back to his bedroom. Only the faint awareness of someone calling his name among that mess of thoughts. Door closed, he let himself lean against it, until his knees gave up. So this was the end, a damned confession.