Chapter Text
************
“Do you want to have sex?” Castiel asks Dean Winchester as soon as the other boy gets out of the classroom.
Dean startles and looks around, like he’s wondering who Cas is talking to. When there is no one, his eyebrows jump up his forehead. He tapes a hand on his chest to ask for confirmation, and Castiel nods, clutching his history book to his chest.
“Do I want to have sex with you ?”
Cas nods again, gulping and starting to second-guess his idea.
Dean gapes for a long moment, taken aback. Who could blame him when the weird kid that sits behind him in History class, and whom he’s shared maybe two words with in the entirety of his existence asks him something like this out of the blue?
Castiel can feel himself pale as the humiliation of rejection preemptively starts to set in.
“Okay,” Dean seems to decide, with a nonchalant shrug.
Cas can feel his eyes bulges out as the other teenager continues.
“I have practice after school today, but I’m free tomorrow. I live on Alberta street, green house with the shitty lawn. Be there at four.”
“I...huh...okay.”
“Cool. See you then,” Dean salutes with a grin, turning back and strolling away.
Castiel watches him go, amazed at what just happened. Asking Dean has been a spur of the moment decision. He did reflect on it before, but hadn’t planned how he was going to ask him yet. Then he saw Dean, and no one else around, and just blurted it out.
He had next to no hope that Dean Winchester would agree. Now his heart is beating too fast in his chest as he realizes what just happened.
Once the shock has passed though, he feels really proud of himself. Not only was he brave enough to ask, but Dean must find him adequately attractive to have said yes.
Castiel Mills, resident weirdo of Lawrence High is going to have sex with the most popular and attractive guy in his school. It may be a very superficial thought, but Cas feel his chest puff out in pride all the way home anyway.
************
His friend Charlie may have explained to him that virginity is a social construct that isn’t as big a deal as everyone makes it to be, and definitively not a part of who someone actually is, but that doesn’t stop Castiel from feeling his anxiety growing as the day drags on. Her comparison between losing your virginity and listening to a song from a band that you’ve never heard before feels quite understated now that he's faced with the prospect of actually having intercourse with another human being.
By lunch the next day, he’s sweating through his shirt. He’s thinking about skipping the last period so he can go home and take a shower before meeting with Dean. This seems like a situation in which body hygiene feels important. He sniffs himself inconspicuously. Yes, it would be more respectful to clean himself up first. He jumps as Charlie’s head appears under his chin and she takes a whiff of his armpit.
“Nah, you’re good, bro,” she confirms with a thumb up, “but since when do you care?”
“Are you implying that I generally don’t care about my personal hygiene?”
“Dude, you look like you generally don’t care about anything, body wise.” Charlie affirms, moving her hand in front of him to encompass his whole body.
“I should probably be offended by this,” Cas answers, reflecting. He looks down at his simple grey tee-shirt and blue jeans, “but I don’t think grooming and fashion are of import, as long as physical hygiene is respected.”
“Well, yeah, it’s easy not caring when you have natural abs, and look hot with bed hair,” Kevin Tran notes.
“I don’t have abs,” Castiel says, looking down his chest.
“Prove it. Take off your shirt,” Meg incites, looking way too excited by the prospect.
“Don’t objectify me,” Cas repeats for what must be the millions times. Meg is always coming onto him, staring at his ass and making improper comments. It’s quite tiring.
He doesn’t like Meg. He doesn’t hate her because Castiel doesn’t really have it in himself to hate anyone. But he really, really doesn’t like Meg. He’s not even sure why she’s still having lunch with them, when they formally voted to not allow her to sit at their lunch table anymore, at his demand. But she keeps appearing everywhere they go, and sitting down with them. It’s very irritating.
“You look like you have abs-” Charlie continues, ignoring Meg, which is their current strategy to try and get rid of her. Sadly, Cas isn’t very good at being rude to people on purpose, even Meg, neither is Charlie. “- which is really unfair, because you literally never exercise. I mean, I saw you read a book in PE.”
“Why does everyone give that much importance to abs anyway?” Cas ponders.
“That’s exactly something that someone that effortlessly has abs would say,” Kevin Tran singsongs, covering the noise of Meg’s ‘Because they’re hot!’
“That’s hottie privilege, dude,” Charlie declares,“That’s just like white privilege, but with abs.”
Castiel squints at her in confusion, before sighing.
“I need to go home and shower,” Cas declares, getting up with his lunch tray.
“What’s with you and hygiene today?” Charlie wonders, suspicious, as Meg asks if she can come with.
“It is not of your concern,” he declares over his shoulder as he goes.
He can feel Charlie’s eyes following him as he disappears around the corner. She tends to take any suspicious behaviour like a mystery waiting to be solved, so he knows she’ll badger him about it tomorrow. It doesn't really matter, since he’s planning on telling her what happened anyway. He’s not sure she would ever pardon him if he were to hide the loss of his virginity from her.
Teenagers seem to put a lot of importance on other students’ sexual life. Castiel can’t say he cares about it at all, like most of most teenagers’ interests. The only reason he’s even entertaining the idea of losing his virginity is because it seems to be a rite of passage for people his age. He might at well get rid of it right away.
Furthermore, Meg keeps suggesting to take his virginity, or as she puts it “take away his delicate little flower and turn him into the wild sex lion that she knows he is”. That sentence doesn’t make any sense to him, but he feels like he should avoid that at all cost.
He’s hoping that she’ll lose interest in him once he won’t be burdened by his virgin status anymore. She always says that she favors virgins (which is very creepy and quite worrying, according to Charlie).
Once he had decided that he wanted to have intercourse, Dean Winchester seemed like the obvious choice.
Dean is attractive enough that even Castiel took notice, and he has a reputation for practicing intercourse very regularly, with many different partners. That last point seems really important to Castiel as it means that: a) He has a lot of experience therefore must know how to do it adequately, and b) He seems to not be very concerned about who his sexual partner is, or what their assigned gender is, which meant that Castiel stood a chance to have his favor.
Dean Winchester also seems much more agreeable than the other boys called “jock” in his group. Cas had noticed before how he never acts mean, and seems easy going with everyone. Castiel even witnesses him correcting his friends’ impolite or abusive behavior toward other students on more than one occasion. He never acts as rude as them. He also acts respectfully toward their teachers, which doesn’t seem to be usual for teenagers. Castiel is always baffled by the way other students act toward adults. It’s so different to how he was taught to treat his elders as a child.
Castiel is glad that his assessment of Dean WInchester seemed to have been correct, as all he had to do was ask to have sex for him to accept. It was even easier than what he was expecting.
It does make him ponder why all teenagers seem to complain about how hard it is to find a willing sexual partner in high school. He wonders if they just never thought to simply ask. They do have a tendency to overly complicate matters.
************
Because his mom raised him well, Cas is early at Dean’s house. So early that Dean isn’t even here yet. He hesitates for a moment, thinking he should maybe go for a walk so as to not look too eager. A huge black car, that he recognizes as Dean’s, interrupts his reflection, parking in the alley.
Cas wipes his suddenly moist hands on his jeans as Dean gets out of the Impala.
“How did you get here so fast?” Cas shrugs in answer, not willing to admit that he skipped a class to be here on time and not smell like old sweat. Dean cocks his head at Castiel’s bike, looking a little confused, before passing him on his way to open the door. “Let’s get to it then.”
Cas takes a second to try and calm himself before following him inside. He had no idea this would be so stressful. It’s just sex. He’s informed himself on how to do it properly. He even experimented with some things on himself. He feels he has enough knowledge to be able to do it properly. It shouldn’t be different to passing any other test he’s prepared for.
When he enters, Dean is gulping down water straight from a bottle in front of the fridge and Castiel can feel his heart picking up speed as he looks at the jock’s Adam apple bob rhythmically. He has a very long neck. It’s both naturally tanned and freckled, which is rare and strangely attractive. Dean catches him looking and sends him a coy smile, moisturizing his lips with his tongue in a move that Castiel can’t help but stare at. The jock grabs another bottle, and extends it to him.
“You thirsty?” he asks, shaking the small size bottle to entice Castiel to take it.
“No, thank you. In which room do you wish us to have sex?” he asks, turning around to look at the small living room.
The walls are in a poor state with holes and suspicious stains. The brown couch looks like it belongs in a garbage bin. There are books piled up next to it, being used as a makeshift side table.
He hears Dean saying something to himself. He’s pretty sure he overhears the words “weirdo” but decides to ignore it. It would not be the first time he’s been called that, not by far. He’s learned that it’s often that people lack the vocabulary to describe him.
He didn’t choose Dean for his brain, so it shouldn’t matter.
“Let’s go to my room,” Dean says, pointing to a door at the end of a small corridor. Cas nods and walks straight to it.
His heart is still beating very fast, and he’s started sweating again. He hopes they’ll undress quickly, that should help cool down his body. He takes a quick look around as he enters Dean’s bedroom: rock bands posters and sport paraphernalia; That’s pretty much what he was expecting.
The bed isn’t made, but the sheets look clean. It would be presumptuous to sit on someone's bed without an invitation, so he sits on a red leather armchair in the corner and starts to take off his shoes.
“Huh, what are you doing?” Dean asks, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Shoes and socks can be bothersome during foreplay, so I’m preemptively taking them off, in order to be more efficient,” Cas explains, arranging his socks into his empty shoes. He gets up, wipes his hands on his jeans again and approaches Dean. The other man is looking at him with his mouth pursed and his eyebrows furrowed in bafflement. “I do trust that you have condoms and water based lubricant? I brought some, but forgot them in my bike’s satchel.”
“What?”
“I could put my shoes back on and go get it through if-” Cas starts proposing, turning back toward his shoes. A hand on his forearm stops him.
“Have you ever done this before?” Dean inquires, looking concerned.
“I’m a virgin. Should I have mentioned this before? Is this a problem for you?”
“No, that’s not…Are you sure you want to do this, man? We don’t even know each other or anything.”
“I didn’t realize this would be a problem for you. I heard about some of your affairs with people you didn’t know beforehand. I’m pretty sure some of them were virgins too,” Cas explains.
“Well, don’t believe all that you hear,” Dean mumbles. He seems upset. He looks over at Cas with a kind look though, his hand still on his forearm. “You sure then?”
“I am,” Cas affirms, jutting his chin.
“Okay.” Dean takes his shirt off in a swift movement, throwing it right to the chair in the corner. There are freckles and a whole lot of tan skin, and Cas can’t help but stare at it, trying to find a pattern to all those little blemishes. Dean takes Castiel's hand, their fingers interspecing as he raises them closer to his chest. “You can touch,” he invites gently, putting Cas’ hand against his torso.
“It does seem necessary to our endeavour.”
“Do you always talk like that?” Dean scoffs, not meanly.
“There’s nothing bad in speaking well,” Cas automatically answers, used to that kind of comment. He’s connecting one freckle to another with the point of his finger, head inclined as he watches in fascination. He’s never touched anyone like this before.
“Guess not,” Dean admits.
There are suddenly two fingers under Cas’ chin, making him look up. He gulps as his eyes plunge into Dean’s. He had never noticed how green they were. Up close, they are even more fascinating than his freckles. Thinking that makes his eyes slide to the freckles on Dean’s cheeks. He realizes that they are getting closer and closer, the fingers on chin raising it just a little more so that his mouth is right in front of...Castiel takes a sudden step back, blinking out of his daze. Kissing. He’s never done that. He was so focused on the coïtus part that he never took time to inform himself on how to do that.
“You’re okay?” Dean asks, sounding concerned, if a little frustrated.
“I don’t want us to kiss,” Cas decides. He doesn’t like to do things that he doesn’t know how to do well. Best to avoid that.
“Is that some kind of pretty woman thing?”
“Neither you nor I are women,” Castiel reminds him, confused.
“No I mean...nevermind,” Dean sighs, passing a hand on his face. Castiel can feel that he’s getting frustrated. Cas must be doing something inadequately. He looks down, embarrassed at his shortcomings.
“You should take your shoes off too,” Castiel says, noticing that the other boy is still wearing them, “it would be more-”
“Efficient?” Dean cuts him off with a smirk, both eyebrows raised in question.
“Yes.” Castiel beams, happy that Dean listened to him. It happens way less than it should with other people.
Dean chuckles, toeing his shoes off and kicking them out of the way. He then hops awkwardly on one foot to take his socks off alternatively.
“Better?”
“Yes,” Castiel confirms. He lets out a gasp in surprise when Dean grabs his belt and brings him close. Their chests collide and stay flush together as Dean’s fingers slide under Cas’ shirt to caress his hips, making him shiver.
“Shall we continue then?” Dean asks, tilting his head and peeking sideways, flirtatious.
“Yes,” Castiel repeats. His hands have ended up flat against Dean’s abs and he looks down at the unexpected firmness. Kevin Tran needs to inform himself better because Castiel definitely doesn’t have that on his body. Those are so well defined and toned that he can see each abdominal muscle. That is very impressive, albeit frivolous.
Dean’s hands slide further under Cas’ t-shirt, trying to raise it with them to take it off. Castiel jumps a whole step back, immediately admonishing himself for his own reaction.
This time, Dean looks upset as he raises his hands in front of him and steps back too.
“You know what? Nevermind. You’re obviously not ready, and I’m not-”
“No wait, please!!” Cas begs, firmly pushing his hands back on Dean’s abs. “I’m ready,” Castiel affirms. The other boy grabs his wrists, bringing his arms down.
“No. You’re not,” Dean says firmly, mouth set in a line. “I don’t know why you’re trying to do this, man, but it’s obviously not for the right reasons, so I’m not doing it.”
“But…” Cas tries to protest. He stops himself when what happened suddenly dawns on him. He failed. Coïtus is one of the most basic instincts, any simpleton can manage to have intercourse, and he couldn’t. He’s not even able to do that one simple thing that anyone else can do. He feels his throat close up. He tries to take a deep breath but he can’t. He tries to look up at Dean, but he can’t do that either. “I’m sorry I wasted your time, Dean,” Cas declares miserably.
“No, hey, it’s okay, it’s not-” Cas doesn’t hear what Dean says next, having already ran away.
He’s already halfway home when he realizes he’s still barefoot.
************
Castiel is lost in his thoughts, blaming himself for his idiocy and his incapability to act like a normal person, when he opens his front door and hears one of the voices he dreads the most.
“You know I wouldn’t do this if I had any other choice, Jody, but we’re grasping at straws here,” Agent Henrikson is pleading.
“He’s barely adjusting. How do you want him to live a normal life when you keep-” his foster mom is saying, audibly upset.
“Hey kid,” Agent Henrikson interrupts her when he notices Castiel. He smiles at him, but Castiel doesn’t smile back. This is the last thing he needs right now. He already feels drained by this whole debacle with Dean, he can’t…
“Hi kiddo,” Jody salutes him with the same smile as the FBI Agent, friendly if tense. She comes to him like she’s going to hug him, but stops herself, contenting herself with a soft touch to his elbow, like she always does. “Where are your shoes?” she asks with a frown, always the perceptive cop. Castiel doesn’t answer, still looking at Henrikson who is starting to shuffle his feet, ill at ease under his scrutiny. Jody’s face is suddenly right in front of him, her hands squeezing his shoulders as she looks him over. “Are you okay? What happened?” she asks again, getting worried. “Did someone steal your shoes?”
He knows it’s rude, yet Castiel ignores her, sidestepping her in favor or approaching agent Henrikson.
“Do I need to look at more photos?”
“Yes,” the FBI agent answers at the same time as Jody firmly says ‘No’ behind him. “I’m sorry, kiddo, but it’s really important.”
“Victor, can I talk to you in the kitchen?” Jody says, her voice so tight that it makes the FBI agent wince. It doesn’t sound like a request.
Castiel turns to her with what he hopes is a reassuring look.
“It’s okay,” he affirms, resolute, “It’s important. I can do it.”
He can’t, not without at least a week of nightmares after, but he’s getting good at hiding it.
Agent Henriksen is right. It is important.
************
He wakes up covered in sweat and gasping for breath that night, memories of loud noises and blood still burning behind his eyelids for minutes after he’s awake.
At least he doesn’t scream anymore, so no one will know.