Chapter Text
Johnny groans as he adjusts his position in bed, stretching out his arms and legs before banging his elbow against the wall.
“Fuck.” He rubs his elbow, barely opening his eyes to scan his surroundings.
‘Well, that ruined my morning,’ he thinks. Seeing as the light had likely infiltrated his room long ago, he figures it was time to get up.
By get up, he meant unwillingly opening his eyes to the harsh sunlight and feeling around his bedside table for his phone until he clumsily locates it and manages to turn it on.
He hated last-night Johnny for deciding to go clubbing with Ten on a Saturday night while fully aware that he needed to finish an essay the next day if he wanted to pass and graduate this year. To add onto it, that fucker had the audacity to not set an alarm and let him wake up on his own at god knows what time. He sighs, realizing how little time he had left to sit around and recover from his hangover if he wanted to hand in his essay on time.
He swears under his breath as he sees the time, 2:05 PM, glaring at him back. However, what shocked Johnny the most was how his phone blew up with notifications immediately upon start-up. He gets the expected texts from his friends who he hung out with last night, asking if he was alright. Johnny scoffs as he reads Mark’s text.
mork lee: yo if ur dead can i have ur gaming pc, im taking no response as yes
me: i lived, bitch
After scrolling down his wall of notifications some more, several notifications catch his eye.
Jeffrey Jung , Jungwoo Kim and 2,127 others liked a post you were tagged in.
Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul has mentioned you in a post on subtle asian dating.
He immediately sits up in bed after reading them, fingers hastily tapping on the notification from Ten. Suddenly he felt more awake, the unknown notifications feeling like a bucket of cold water had been thrown at his face. He hoped and silently prayed to every deity he knew that it wasn’t what he thought it was.
But alas, it was.
The abomination, his worst nightmare, in its true form.
He sees his IG handle, selfies, embarrassing childhood photos and “candids” and knows his life is officially over.
Ten, that pain in the ass, managed to outdo himself yet again by auctioning him, Johnny Suh, on subtle asian dating without his permission.
He takes a deep breath before scrolling down and reading what must be the most cringeworthy wall of text he’s read in a long time. It was amplified ten-fold by the fact that he knew the cringeworthy wall of text was about him.
“❗️❗️❗️🏳️🌈 ATTENTION ALL SINGLE MEN OF SAD 🏳️🌈❗️❗️❗️
Are YOU tired of the same ol’ fuccbois on tinder/grindr catfishing you with their height, personality and d game? Are you tired pining after your shitty ex and are ready for a REAL MAN to give you the love, cuddles, compliments and free boba you deserve?? Are you looking for the kpop star/kdrama lead oppar of your dreams? Then look no further!
Name: John Suh/Suh Youngho, but you can call him Johnny, or tonight 😉😏📞🍆🍌💦
Age: 22
Ethnicity: Korean 🇰🇷🇰🇷🇰🇷 so koreaboos, yall can call him oppa/hyung if u want or smth
Languages: English and Korean (we love a bilingual, or as he likes to refer it - byelingual because he claims he’s bad at both, especially while drunk)
Height: 185cm aka 6’1 aka a tALL KING, perfect for suffocating you w/ his limbs if ur into that
Location: Chicago, good luck getting him to shut up abt being “Chicago born and raised” 🙄
Education: Arts Major @UChicago, could u be his next muse?
IG: @johnnyjsuh
Looking for: a boy to spoil and call his own 🥺 👉👈 🏳️🌈 👬
❗️PROS❗️
✅ A 💒💒💒 WHOLESOME CHRISTIAN BOI 💒💒💒 WHO ATTENDS CHURCH W/ HIS PARENTS (on most weekends 😜)
✅ 😍 a true family man 😍 momma suh and papa suh are his world and u could be too 😳 if u give them some lovin too
✅ everyone’s mom loves him despite being an arts major so u kno u can bring him home to ur parents and not get disowned/have ur household fall apart
✅ an actual softboi 🥺 👉👈 he’s baby 😩 luvs cute things and has 2 plushies 🧸🧸 taking permanent residence on his bed, pass it on
✅ 📸 a wHOLE-ASS PHOTO/VIDEOGRAPHER ON THE SIDE 😤 - can give pointers on/film your vlogs, help u out with your ig feed, take ur thirst pics and will hold personal photoshoots for you for the cheap price of kisses and iced coffee (pst follow his ig for aesthetically pleasing photos and short videos, u cowards)
✅ (can be a con for some of u kevin nguyen’s but he’s not looking for u anyways sweaty 😌) more of a sit-down-and-chat-over-drinks/netflix-and-chill typa guy, but is willing to get lit at a club sometimes (can also bust his back quITE WELL 😏🍑)
✅ has a nice voice!!1 campus radio host and can sing 😳😫🤤🎤🎶 so he will outshine u at karaoke, @sm come get ur mans (fun fact: he was scouted by sm themselves but like the Fool™ he is, he turned it down bc he likes his normal life, what a Humble king)
✅ A gASP, FAST REPLIER!! Unless he’s napping then that bitch dead lmaooo
✅ has been getting those 🏋️♂️ GAINS 🏋️♂️ recently - be his gym buddy pls im dying here, u get to ogle his muscles n what else could u possibly ask for??
✅ will game 🎮 and watch anime/kdramas w/ u 🥰 so u kno he’s a team player and a hopeless romantic or wuteva 👨❤️💋👨
✅ a tru ride or die - will accompany you to any spontaneous thing you suggest even if he acts like he doesn’t want to
✅ his banana itself is a pro 🧎← this gon be u once u see it, and you’ll need this after he’s done w/ u king: 🦽
✅ the most ambitious and hardworking dude i know (juggling a degree, side photography gig, campus radio and ksa treasurer), so u gotta be just as driven as him!! Bc! The hustle is real!! And he puts work n his future first!!! And thats on periodt
✅ meme king 🤠😤💯🐸🔥 camera roll is 90% reaction photos and is eager to tag u in memes
🚫 CONS 🚫
❎ (if it aint obvious enough or ur just in denial) he’s only looking for guys👨❤️💋, so sorry ladies
❎ ur parents are definitely gonna love him more than u, their own child
❎ highkey clumsy but at least he’ll fall for u 😘
❎ will say no/cancel on plans last minute sometimes bc he has to study/do work 🙄 tryhard
❎ a liGHTWEIGHT 🤢🤮🥵 the Audacity of this man’s metabolism when he’s from the land of flavored soju itself
❎ his music taste is basic af looool guess we can’t all have good taste
❎ he likes 🤢 dad jokes 🤮
❎ might sometimes game for days straight, convince him to stop pls mom says its my turn on the computer now
❎ (also a pro, but beware those who aren’t serious abt him) very to the point and blunt, knows what he wants and says what he says!! He don’t play around but sometimes he comes off as harsh, so let him know!!
✨🌈REQUIREMENTS🌈✨
- Be a sweet, wholesome guy who wants A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP
- Seriously
- My man has been hurt so many times and im ready to throw hands if it happens again
- He deserves happiness
- Give him the most wholesome and romantic love story for the ages u know he’s been dreaming abt his whole life
- Or else me and the rest of the squad are gonna sqUARE UP WE HAvE RECEIPTS
Of course, this isn’t evERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT JOHNNY SUH - i have to leave some element of surprise for u to discover on ur own, amirite? If he already seems like ur dream man (and who r we kidding, he’s everyone’s) don’t be afraid to shoot ur shot on fb/ig dm’s asap before he’s permanently off the market!!!”
He dials Ten’s number as he mentally prepares himself for the tiring conversation to follow.
“Morning sleeping beauty! How was-”
“What is…” Johnny cuts Ten off, making confused hand motions alone in his room, “this?”
“Oh great! You’ve finally seen it.” He exclaims. Johnny could practically see him vibrating in his seat somewhere from the excitement.
“Excuse me? ‘Great?!’ I didn’t ask for it to be publicly known that I am very single to the entire world, and in the most embarrassing way possible!” Johnny hisses in response.
“But you did?”
The cheeky bastard.
Johnny sighs, exasperated.
“When?”
“Last night.” Ten snickers. “You may have been drunk, but you were complaining all night about how ‘Yeah I can touch all these guys, but will they ever touch my heart?’ and cheesy, fake-deep shit like that, Johnny.” He hears Ten’s voice take on a more concerned tone from his more lighthearted one a few seconds ago.
“I’m starting to get worried about you. I know you’re doing great on your own, but it’s about time and I know that you know it too. You want to find someone.”
Johnny sighs. He’s right, unfortunately.
“But, like this?”
“What else can we do then? You barely meet anyone new in your major these days, have sworn off dating apps after meeting one too many… interesting characters, and talk yourself out of approaching anyone who shows the slightest bit of interest in you!”
Johnny makes a noise of protest, but Ten takes it as a signal to continue.
“We read these ads for fun sometimes, so why not have a little fun? You could get fifteen seconds of fame as you get like five new followers on social media and maybe some crude messages from weirdos, but you can always block them and pretend this never happened. Best case scenario, you become a success story, and you’ll have to say ‘thank you Ten, my best friend ever.’”
Shaking his head and emitting a small chuckle, Johnny lets himself relax into bed.
“You’re right. Sorry for snapping at you, dude.”
“No biggie. How about we check out your replies? You literally exploded, and rightfully so. It’s about time we took one for the boys! Say thank you, Ten.”
“Mhm, thank you Ten.” Johnny repeats, rolling his eyes playfully as he unlocks his phone.
They both decide to scroll through the comments together before deciding to open up Johnny’s overwhelming number of private messages.
Mark Lee: daddy 😩
Donghyuck Lee: get it, dad 👁👅👁
Jongin Kim: lol @Sehun Oh remember when you mistook @Jeonghan Yoon for our boi, he’s all grown up now 😢
Sehun Oh: shut up
Jongin Kim : @Jeonghan Yoon is this u???
Jeonghan Yoon: 🖕
Jessica Tran: fuck why do all the Quality Men gotta be gay or taken 🤡😭
Johnny was personally flattered for being considered a Quality Man even if he didn’t swing that way. Sorry, Jessica.
Taeil Moon : @Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul thank you for doing the lord’s work
Yuta Nakamoto: ^^
“Hey! I found a real good one.” Ten exclaims.
“Shoot.”
“It’s from someone named Doyoung Kim! Right after Jaehyun’s disgusting mess of emojis he calls a comment.”
“Your entire auction post was a disgusting mess of emojis.”
Ten lets out a loud gasp indicating his (fake) offense. Johnny scrolls down until he finds the specific comment thread, cracking a wide grin as he reads what this Doyoung person had to say.
Doyoung Kim : Look @Taeyong Lee I found the personification of your wet dreams
Taeyong Lee: stopppppp 😖😖😖
Doyoung Kim: Shoot your shot or I will
Johnny chuckles at the two’s antics. Their banter seemed pretty cute, and he was amused with how feisty this Doyoung guy appeared to be.
“What about them?”
Ten emits a low whistle. “They’re hot as fuck. Check out their profiles! Who did you save in your past life to be this Lee Taeyong dude’s wet dream?”
“Beats me.”
Okay, his best friend wasn’t lying. Taeyong is one of the most attractive people Johnny had ever laid his eyes on. His features were sharp yet soft, definitely knew his angles (not that he appeared to have any bad ones) and was photogenic as hell. He wondered if Taeyong was floating around anywhere else on the internet, being swooned at by girls and guys from all over.
His friend Doyoung was pretty cute too. He was the essence of ‘boyfriend aesthetic’ if Johnny knew anything about it. His smile looked warm, and he vaguely reminded him of a rabbit.
A quick glance at the time rudely reminded him that he had less time than he was comfortable with having to finish the essay he couldn’t let himself completely bullshit this one time.
Deciding he needed to get a move on with his day before he considered any potential suitors, he says his goodbyes to Ten and gives him permission to filter his message requests before going to shower and (hopefully) start his day.
After a much needed shower, Johnny picks up his phone again as he dries his hair with his other hand. He does a double-take when he sees the latest message to his account.
Doyoung Kim has sent you a message request.
Doyoung Kim: 👋
Doyoung Kim: You may not be a tree, but can i climb yuo like oen
Doyoung Kim: odsmv;ojngsounke’lnklm
Johnny nearly doubles over, almost dropping his phone as he tries to steady his breathing after laughing as hard as he did. Sue him for laughing at a lame pick-up line, it’s been a while.
He amusedly scrolls down through a few more texts composed of what looked like keyboard smashes before pausing at the final messages sent.
Doyoung Kim: - Lee Taeyong
Doyoung Kim: Just to clarify - he’s the one interested, not me. Sorry for any confusion. He was too shy to say what’s on his mind
Doyoung Kim: So I hope you don’t mind, but I’m his friend Doyoung and I’m here to be his wingman.
‘Well,’ Johnny thinks, ‘this is new.’