Archive of Our Own

Neil scanned the pamphlet in his hand with a shaky breath.

“Experience the connection with nature that inspired Henry David Thoreau's Walden.”

He looked at the picture of the scenery, a gorgeous pond with the trees reflecting off the surface. When he looked up, he was standing in nearly the same place pictured. It was late autumn and the leaves turned a crisp auburn, like rust on a car. He pulled his jacket closer and sat down on the grass to stare for a while. So, this was the place that started it all. It was placid and serene compared to his raging mind and the storm in his head. He didn’t know what he’d expected, after all he didn’t plan this far ahead. It was a half-baked idea that he’d wasted his time (and vacation days) on. For all he knew, Todd wasn’t even close to Walden. It had just felt sort of like destiny when the letter fell out of a box in his closet. Maybe it was just a coincidence. He got up and took a walk around, thinking he might as well enjoy his time here so it wouldn’t have been a waste. He walked in the woods as Thoreau might’ve done all those years ago and continued to just think.

When he’s first read the quote, his blood had run cold. There was such a theme of death and it’s inevitably that year. He’d surely almost applied that lesson too thoroughly. Was he truly living since then though? He stopped in his tracks. He had died that night in his father’s office, not in body but in spirit. He’d given in. Now, he was stuck living a life that wasn’t even his own. The thought would’ve made him want to jump off the deep end back then, but he greeted it now with bitter indifference.

I want to go back to the stage, he thought wistfully, I should’ve never left it. But surely it was too late now. He was a doctor and he would never again be an actor.

The night that changed it all was snowy and sardonic when he looked back at it. He’d thought too much about the way his father yelled at him for disobeying him and performing at Henley Hall that he didn’t even feel anything about it. He was numbed to the idea and blocked out what he wasn’t. Before he knew it he was thrown into military school.

Nobody had talked to him on his first day. He boarded in a huge space with bunk beds, and he remembered thinking that it looked exactly like those barracks in war movies. He had a new uniform and a stiff, unforgiving bed. He’d been informed on the rules, but didn’t pay much attention. That night, he didn’t get a wink of sleep. He’d smuggled some paper to write back to Welton, but found himself unable to put pen to paper. What was he supposed to say after everything that had happened? He felt a strange urge to apologize, but couldn’t bring himself to. So, he wrote a simple word on the paper, a name that raced through his mind every day. From there, he found himself writing as effortlessly as breathing.

Todd,

I hope this letter actually gets delivered and not somehow intercepted by my father. How are things going at Welton since I’ve left? I’m sure my things are gone from our room by now. Hey, maybe you’ll have the place to yourself until you graduate. At least you’ll have some privacy. At this school, we all sleep in one big room. The uniform is tacky too. Anyways, I’m just writing to let you know that I’m here and would like to keep in touch.

-Neil

He heard voices, surely of tourists, and figured that’s how he’d find his way back. The woods were bigger than he’d anticipated. A shabby cabin came into view near a large crowd of people. He fell behind them and strained to listen to what was being said. He couldn’t see over to the front to see who was talking.

“‘...to die, discover that I had not lived,’ Thoreau wrote.”

He looked around to try to catch a glimpse, until he finally stood on his toes to see. It was a much older man, with gray hairs and a twinkle in his eyes. Keating? Neil spiraled as he walked with the crowd as if on autopilot. No, no, he must’ve imagined it. There was no way...

“...and, as I always say, carpe diem. Make your lives extraordinary, folks.”

That’s when Neil remembered the letter Todd sent back to him all those years ago.

Neil,

It’s so good to hear from you. Charlie got suspended for punching Cameron after he said something about you. Keating, of course, got fired. Don’t feel bad about it though, I’m sure he doesn’t mind. The room does feel empty without you. It’s a little lonely here. We don’t talk to Cameron anymore, of course. Then Knox started dating Chris, so he’s never around. How’s military school treating you? Maybe you and Charlie will end up at the same one. I miss you, you know. I keep getting angry when I think about what happened. I wish things didn’t have to be like this. Let’s continue to send letters.

-Todd

Neil stayed back as the others filed out and searched for his old teacher. He finally saw him talking to an older woman and suddenly didn’t know what to say. He marched right up and realized there was only one thing to say.

“O captain, my captain!” He took long strides until he stood just a few feet away from his teacher. He’d never noticed how short he was until now.

Keating looked stunned, then his face melted into warm delight. “Neil Perry, how have you been?”

“Just fine. Do you work here now?”

“You could say that. This is my wife, Edith.”

“Nice to meet you,” Neil held out his hand.

She shook it gently. “Oh, John used to talk about his Welton boys all the time.”

“This is two in one week, are you holding a reunion?”

“No, who else did you see?” Neil asked desperately.

“Todd stopped by just yesterday.”

He felt winded. “Do you know if he’s still around? I’d like to see him again,” he managed to say while sounding far more stolid than he actually was.

“He couldn’t have gone far. What brings you to Massachusetts?”

“I took a vacation. I needed a break.” It was only half a lie. He really hadn’t had any guarantee Todd would be here until now.

“What do you do?” Edith asked sweetly.

“I’m a doctor,” he said, trying for a polite smile but probably ending up with a grimace.

“Is that right?” Keating asked, looking a little disappointed.

Neil changed the subject as quickly as he could. “So you’re teaching people about Thoreau?”

“Of course, it’s what I do.”

Edith smiled. “Why don’t you come back to the house so you two can catch up?”

The only thing that got Neil through military school was Todd’s letters, awkwardly formal as they were. They went back and forth, each one more emotional than the last.

Neil,

Yes, I do still write poetry and no, I will not send you any. If only I had a car, I’d come visit you. You’ve been gone so long I can’t even remember the color of your eyes. Do they let you make phone calls? It’s been forever since I’ve heard your voice. If they do, hopefully you remember Welton’s number. I’ll write you again soon.

-Todd

They carried on like this for a while, finding what little comfort they could in each other even if they were miles apart.

Neil sat in Keating’s living room, unsurprised by the decor. There were piles of books, but not a lot of clutter. It was as though they only kept what they wanted and didn’t bother with junk. Neil made a mental note to clean his apartment when he went back.

“I’m sorry about what happened with my father. I never meant for you to lose your job.”

“It wasn’t your fault. Besides, I wouldn’t change it if I could. Anyways, it’s useless to dwell on the past.” Keating was philosophizing in his living room, but Neil could feel the classroom sinking into view from his memory.

“So where did you go after that?”

“I was diagnosed with leukemia that summer,” Keating explained simply.

Edith brought over some tea. “Yes, that’s why I moved back to the states.”

“So, I was bedridden and couldn’t work. I ended up writing and that’s how I made my living. I wrote about Thoreau and some people contacted me about coming to Walden. By then I was better, so I moved right down here.”

Neil shook his head. “I had no idea.”

The man waved him off. “Cancer can’t keep me down.” He took a pensive sip. “You ended up a doctor, eh?”

“I went to Harvard, you know,” Neil said as though trying to defend himself.

Keating nodded. “That’s very impressive.”

“When I graduated, my father asked when I was getting a job.”

“And you have one.”

Neil laughed bitterly. “That I do.”

“Do you still act?”

“I haven’t even thought about it,” Neil lied. Because he thought about it every single day, but admitting it felt too final.

“Todd said he was staying here for a while.” There was a hidden meaning in Keating’s sudden change in topic, but Neil pretended he didn’t notice.

“What for?” He took a cautious sip of his own drink.

“Why don’t you ask him yourself?” Keating asked amusedly.

Neil cleared his throat. “I couldn’t see him after all these years.”

“Why not?”

Neil swallowed hard. “I caved in, Captain. I did exactly what my father wanted. I couldn’t stand it if he looked at me with pity.”

“A Harvard educated doctor? Of course, he’d be terribly disappointed,” Keating joked with a twinkle in his eye.

Neil shook his head. “He’ll know that I gave in. I just don’t want him to know that I failed.”

“Do you want to be a doctor?”

“I never did,” Neil finally admitted.

He shrugged. “So quit.”

Neil huffed. “That’s a laugh.”

“I’m serious. What’s the point of continuing?”

“Because I’m already doing it. I can’t just go back.”

“If you keep living your life for your father, you’ll never be truly happy.”

Something about the matter-of-fact way Keating talked made Neil upset. “So what, I just go run off into the nearest theatre and hope they let me audition?”

“Why not?”

“I don’t know. It sounds crazy.”

“But not impossible. You won’t know if you don’t try,” Keating reasoned, still as optimistic as ever.

Neil shrunk. “I’ll think about it.”

“Thought is nothing compared to action!”

“You really haven’t changed,” Neil noted, remembering the way Keating used to quote poetry at them like scripture.

“Go talk to Todd,” he advised as though he understood everything that was happening.

“I don’t even know where he is.”

“Try the pond again tomorrow. I have a feeling he’ll need to see it again.”

Todd,

I snuck out last night. It’s a lot harder than it used to be at Welton. Anyways, I bought a copy of Walden and you’ve got to read the whole thing. It’s no wonder Keating liked it so much.

I hope I could go visit there someday. I think if I could see it in person, I’d finally understand exactly what he was talking about. I’m sure Keating would agree. Maybe when I finally get out we could go see it together.

-Neil.

He didn’t know that would be the last letter he ever sent.

His father was visiting for the day when someone said Neil had mail. He’d picked up the letter and saw it was from Welton.

“What business do you have with Welton?”

“My friends are still there father. Aren’t we allowed to talk?” Neil tried.

“They’re the people who got you into this mess. I won’t have you talking to such heathens.” He ripped the latter up and crushed it under his boot before marching to the headmaster to ban Neil from receiving any future letters. It had seemed a little harsh, but when Neil tried to complain, they wouldn’t have it. By the time he went to college, he didn’t have any way to contact Todd, so he didn’t even try. His hope has been crushed a long time ago anyways.

Neil stayed at a motel that night, grateful he’d at least thought that far ahead. Keating had offered to let him stay in the spare room, but he politely declined. He barely slept that night anyway, feeling the weight of his mid-life crisis sink in—not that he was even old enough to be middle-aged. His dissatisfaction with his life just had to manifest itself in some teenage pipe dream, of all things. He was here, primarily, to see a high school friend which, albeit a bit strange, was a perfectly normal thing until you added the context onto it. He could’ve called or just sent a letter but of course he didn’t. When he did manage to fall asleep with those thoughts, he had a half-conscious dream that he didn’t remember the next day.

He woke up earlier than usual, disoriented by the impersonal room and stiff mattress, and dug through the haphazardly packed suitcase in the corner. He’d booked the motel room for one more night, so hopefully he found what he was looking for today.

Fortunately, Keating was right because there stood Todd Anderson gazing out at the water with a notebook in his hands. Neil found himself again at a loss for words, caught between his teenage self and the present. What do you say to the person you’ve constantly thought about for nearly 10 years?

“So, you think Thoreau was exaggerating?” Not that, surely.

Todd looked up and a million emotions crossed his face. Shock faded into amazement, then confusion, and inevitably ending in embarrassment. “No way,” he stood up a little straighter, taking a cautious step forward. “Why are you here? How are you here?” He laughed. “God, it’s been forever.”

The first thing Neil noticed about him was that he’d lost that insecure slouchiness he had about him back at Welton. He carried a little more conviction and a lot less anxiety.

“It has been. It’s kind of a long story actually.” Neil rubbed the back of his neck.

“Did you come to see Keating too?” Todd asked, bright-eyed and carefree.

That was an easy out, but he didn’t take it. “I didn’t actually know he was here.”

“You’ve seen him though?”

Neil cleared his throat. “Yeah, he told me you were around too. I didn’t think I’d run into you though.” Even though it was mostly the truth, he still felt weird admitting it.

“We have to catch up. Let’s go get coffee or something.”

“Okay,” Neil agreed, still in slight disbelief.

They sat across from each other at a narrow table near the window of the cafe, and just grabbed coffee with some small-talk. Todd said something about the weather and it pained Neil to think they’d become so unfamiliar that that was all they could talk about.

“So, what do you do?” Neil prompted, hoping for some semblance of familiarity.

Todd smiled shyly, a remanent of his high school self, which was endearing to Neil. “I’m a writer.”

Neil nearly beamed at the concept. “I bet Keating is over the moon.”

“You know,” Todd said. “Every time I write something, I imagine Keating reading it for his class, trying to interpret it. Maybe it’s because I want to make him proud.”

Neil shook his head with a laugh. “God, I used to stay up all night studying in med school wondering what he would think too.”

Todd took a thoughtful sip of coffee. “So you did become a doctor then.”

“Yes,” Neil responded stiffly, feeling the tension in the room.

“Why’d you give up on acting?”

“I don’t know. Mainly because my parents wanted me to. I wanted to make them proud,” he reasoned. “I guess I didn’t realize they were the ones making me miserable,” Neil mumbled, then vaguely recognized that he was over sharing and tried not to cringe.

“Why keep doing something you hate then?”

“That’s exactly what Keating asked me.”

Todd shrugged. “He’s got a point. Why do something that makes you miserable?”

Neil shifted in his chair, wishing there was an out from this line of conversation. “It’s just like I told him. It’s too late for me to just change paths.”

Todd’s face had an expression like he had just tasted something sour. “Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll still have a PhD. Plus, I’m sure you’ll have money to fall back on.”

Neil turned introspective, letting the full weight of Todd’s revelation sink in. “So, you’re saying that everything will be fine?”

“Basically, yes.”

“I wish things really were that simple.” Neil mused as he stirred his coffee absentmindedly.

“Well, that’s how I decided to be a writer, honestly. I always thought my parents would have my back...”

“Thought?”

Todd swallowed hard, looking away while scratching his jaw. “They disowned me.”

Neil felt as though he’d been smacked. “They what?”

“It’s a long story,” Todd sighed, echoing Neil’s prior sentiment.

“Was it because you became a writer?”

He let out a dry laugh. “I’m sure they weren’t thrilled about that either.”

Neil stopped himself. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to talk about it if it’s too...”

“Neil, my parents never loved me anyways. It was a long time coming.” He had an easy smile which tried to comfort Neil, a common expression for him now.

“But still, that’s no light matter.”

“I know, but we don’t need to talk about it.”

Neil sat up straighter. “We won’t then.”

Todd looked at him strangely. “You’ve grown up.”

“I’d hope so.”

“A long time ago, you would’ve forced the story out of me,” Todd pointed out with a raised eyebrow.

Neil’s face scrunched up. “I wasn’t as considerate back then.”

“I think you were, you just cared so much you couldn’t stop yourself.”

A thoughtful moment passed.

“So, you came here to see Keating?” Neil asked to change the topic.

Todd stirred his coffee for a moment. “For the most part, yes. What about you, what made you come here?”

“Do I have to answer that?”

“I suppose not.”

They didn’t look at each other for a minute, an awkward silence creeping into the space between them.

Todd spoke up. “Why’d you stop writing letters?”

Neil held his breath. “My father found out.”

“He can’t control your life forever.”

It was a punch to the gut for Neil. “I could never make him proud.”

“Why do you have to do it on his terms? He should be proud of you no matter what you do.”

Neil clenched his teeth. “It doesn’t work like that.”

Another silence.

Todd cleared his throat. “I was so mad when you never replied to my letter. Honestly, I thought you hated me for it.”

“I’d never hate you,” Neil said softly but urgently.

“Did you ever get the chance to read it?”

He shook his head. “He tore it up before I could.”

“I sent one more before I gave up.”

“He wouldn’t let me get any more mail. They probably threw it away.” Neil made a vague gesture with his hand.

“Why didn’t you call after that?” Todd tried to hide the emotion beginning to show.

“He stopped that too.”

“Doesn’t that make you furious?” Todd asked with a bit of a laugh even though it wasn’t funny.

Neil shook his head. “There was no fight left in me after that. He’d won.”

“You still let him tell you what to do, don’t you?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Neil sighed. “You know, I was so afraid of running into you after Keating said you were around.”

Todd’s eyes widened. “Why?”

“I knew you’d be disappointed that I caved.”

“I can’t say I’m not. You were always the one telling us to listen to Keating and then you just ignored your own advice.”

“I didn’t know then what I know now.”

“And what do you know now?” Todd issued the challenge as casually as one throws away yesterday’s paper.

“Some things are easier said than done.”

“I wrote you that letter when my parents disowned me,” Todd finally admitted.

Neil deflated, finding himself unable to speak.

Todd continued, “I was alone with no where to go and told you everything. Then you never wrote back.”

“I didn’t know,” He said quietly.

“Well, it’s not your fault. I just wish you would’ve stood up to your father.”

“I was scared.”

“I was scared too.”

Neil stirred his coffee so he wouldn’t have to look at Todd. “How did you deal with it?”

“I wrote. I actually called Keating for advice too. He told me where I could stay until I figured things out.”

“He really does know everything.”

“Come on, let’s take a walk,” Todd suggested, getting up and not exactly waiting for Neil.

The wind picked up as they strolled down the sidewalk.

“Be honest.” Todd said suddenly, turning to face him. “Why did you come here?”

“I always wanted to.”

“But why now?”

Neil signed. “I did everything my father wanted me to and he never once said he was proud of me. Not when I got accepted into Harvard, graduated top of my class, or started practicing medicine. I was miserable.”

“So you decided to just go?”

Neil hesitated. “I went digging through my closet. I think I was going to do something I might regret but then a box fell from the shelf. It was an old one from military school. I kept all your letters in it. I started reading through them and changed my mind. I found the one you wrote after I told you I read Walden. You said we should go there together sometime. So then I just got in my car and drove I didn’t know you’d actually be here, I just felt like I had to come.”

Todd stopped dead in his tracks. “You’re serious?”

Neil nodded solemnly.

Todd grabbed his hand desperately. “I kept your letters too. I heard Keating lived here now and remembered you’d written about it. I came down to see him but I always hoped I’d see you too.”

Neil’s heart sped up. “Todd,” he said without clear reason, dropping his hand.

“I can’t believe you’re really here.”

“I was surprised to see you too.”

The space between them was charged with some sort of electricity that scared the hell out of Neil. Todd recognized the hesitation in his eyes and took a step back.

“Should we visit Keating?”

“Sure,” Neil agreed dumbly.

That afternoon, the three of them sat around in Keating’s living room, drinking tea and laughing about old stories. Neil realized he could’ve had this if he never left Welton and felt a bit of resentment toward his father, but tried to put it from his mind as they continued to talk.

“I did keep in touch with Meeks and Pitts. Knox too, but he’s so busy with his family. I could never find Charlie though,” Todd said.

Keating smiled. “I’m sure wherever he is, he’s giving someone hell.”

“How long are you here for?” Todd turned to Neil, the thought just occurring to him.

“This is my last night. I only booked two since work needs me.”

Todd looked almost disappointed. “Where are you staying?”

Neil told him the name of the motel.

“No kidding? I’m just around the corner. No wonder we ran into each other.”

Neil smiled nervously as if he hadn’t orchestrated the whole encounter. Truthfully, he hadn’t known any of this would happen, but still he felt responsible.

They left Keating’s when it was dark out, late enough at night that it mattered. Absentmindedly, they walked to the motel Neil was staying at, making insignificant conversation.

“What’s your life been like? You used to tell me everything you were doing.” Todd pried.

Neil shrugged. “It’s boring. I go to work, I go to sleep and nothing happens in between.”

“Not seeing anyone?” Todd eyed his bare left hand suspiciously.

“Oh, no.” Neil replied, taken by surprise. He hadn’t even considered dating anyone for a very long time despite his parents’ insistence (“We were married by the time we were your age” or “My good friend Marjorie’s daughter is in town, why don’t you ask her to dinner?”). He cleared his throat. “What about you?”

Todd shook his head. “Not lately, I haven’t had the time.”

“But you were seeing someone?”

“Briefly, it wasn’t anything special.”

Neil decided not to press this topic since it made his chest hurt. “I haven’t found the time either.”

When they finally stopped walking, they said awkward goodbyes.

“You’ll have to call me when you get back home,” Todd said, shaking his hand since they were too cowardly to hug.

“I will,” Neil said with a practiced smile.

A part of them both knew it would never happen.

Todd paced outside the front door, hand hesitating to knock. He was so nervous (why was he so nervous?) and couldn’t bring himself to go through with it. When he finally worked up the adrenaline to bring his hand up, the realization that he was actually knocking on the door shocked him. Stunned for a moment, he heard a rustling in the room before Neil opened the door looking a little disheveled, as though he’d been sleeping.

“Todd?”

“Neil,” Todd answered, a smile creeping onto his face as if he couldn’t even think about the other man without a fleeting wave of joy. “I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”

Neil shook his head. “Did you need something?”

Todd paused because he knew how this looked—showing up to his motel room in the middle of the night—even if they were just old friends. “I just wanted to talk.”

“Alright come in.” Neil walked back into the room. “I’ll put the coffee on, but it’s not very good.”

Todd closed the door behind him. “It is motel coffee.” He sat in the worn out chair next to the small side table.

“So, what’s wrong?” Neil asked, straight to business and assuming the worst.

Todd followed suit. “I know we said we’d keep in touch, but we also said that last time.”

Neil ran a hand through his hair. “It wasn’t my choice last time.”

“But it is now,” Todd pointed out, “I don’t want this to be the last time we see each other.”

“I’m surprised that even after all this time, you still want to be friends.” Neil handed him a cup of coffee and Todd barely registered that it was made the way he liked it.

Todd huffed. “You were my best friend, you know. It was so easy to talk to you. I don’t want to let that go.”

“I’ll call,” Neil promised agitatedly as though he was overwhelmed by the topic.

“You’re really leaving tomorrow?” Todd asked.

“Yeah, I’ve got to get back to work.”

“Do you like it? Being a doctor?”

Neil blinked. “There’s no right answer to that question.”

“There doesn’t have to be, I’m just asking how you feel.”

“Why do you care how I feel?” Neil asked and it should’ve sounded insolent, but his tone was too weak and troubled.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

For some reason, this delicate fact that Todd would automatically care about him terrified Neil and made him lash out. “I mean, Jesus, we haven’t talked in years. We barely knew each other for a few months anyway.”

Todd blinked. “What are you saying?”

“Don’t you think you’re being a little extreme?” Neil felt hollow by the way his words reverberated inside him since they weren’t really his, just broken repetitions of what he’d heard before.

“By saying that I want to keep in touch?”

“I mean, showing up in the middle of the night like it’s such a pressing issue.”

“I’m sorry, I wanted to see you one last time before you go.”

Neil wanted to kick himself for acting the way he was, but he couldn’t stop it. “Don’t you have better things to do than sit around wondering what I’m doing?” It was more of a jab at himself, inner hatred being exposed to the light. Despite the amount of cheap sugar in the coffee, it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

“You have changed since they sent you away.”

Neil shrugged. “What’s it matter?”

Todd started to feel like he was mistaken in coming here, and slowly began to think that Neil might want nothing to do with him after all or maybe never did. He took a sip of his coffee and finally realized it was made to his taste.

“H-how did you know I...” He trailed off, holding up the cup.

Neil bristled. “You ordered it like that this morning.”

“You remembered?” Todd’s expression was indiscernible.

Neil stayed silent, embarrassed at this revelation and his previous outburst.

Todd set the cup down, stood up, and hesitated before walking over to him. Neil thought he would punch him or something—he probably deserved it anyway. Todd surprised him though when he embraced him without a second thought. Neil felt tears brimming in his eyes and brought a hesitant arm up, not yet returning the hug but inches away from it.

“What are you doing?” He asked tiredly.

Todd didn’t say anything, just held him a little tighter. Neil finally began to embrace back, slowly and gently as if he was afraid of shattering the moment.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, but Todd shook his head and didn’t let go.

Neil had the jarring feeling that if he didn’t do something drastic now, he’d regret it. Yet, he found that the moment was too fragile for that so he just stood there with his arms around Todd. It felt warm and familiar but he didn’t want to ponder what that meant because he knew well enough that it felt like coming home. How horribly cliché, he thought without much remorse.

Todd sighed before pulling away only slightly. “I should show you something.” He stepped away then, reached into his pocket, and pulled out his wallet. Neil missed the contact, but stayed silent while Todd pulled out a folded up piece of notebook paper. It was creased everywhere as if it was folded millions of times before.

Todd looked at it one last time before he handed it to Neil who unfolded it carefully like it would break and sat down hard. From the first word he knew what it was. He’d recognize his hurried and messy handwriting (“Doctor’s handwriting,” his parents would tease) anywhere.

Todd,

My father found out about the play and I know he’s going to come and probably pull me from the school. I don’t know how to tell you this though so I hope you find this letter. I’m not sure what I’ll do when he sends me away, and this night is probably the last time I’ll see you. That being said, I have a confession to make. I’ve written this a few times over and over again and I can’t decide on the right words to say, so I’m just going to say it.

I love you.

I hate to tell you this before I leave, especially since I don’t know how you’ll react. I at least hope you don’t hate me for it. I know it’s weird but I can’t imagine myself without you. The hardest part about leaving is knowing that I’m leaving you. I can’t guarantee we’ll ever speak again but I need you to know that I’ll love you probably even if I never see you again. I’m sorry for never telling you until now and for all the things I’ll never get to say now.

Neil didn’t speak for a while, letting the silence stretch on and on as he kept his eyes trained down on the paper. He remembered the night in question, after he’d spoken to Keating and realized it was hopeless. Todd was sleeping and he used a flashlight to scribble the note then hid it deep in the Five Centuries of Verse book before forgetting about it. He took a deep breath before looking back up at Todd.

Todd had his arms crossed, nervously chewing his nails as he watched Neil. When they made eye contact, he spoke up. “I found it after you stopped writing me.”

Before Neil could panic or offer a rushed explanation, he considered the circumstances. Todd went out of his way to come to Neil’s motel room and show him the note he’d been hiding in his wallet for who knows how many years. Those weren’t the actions of a man seeking a fight or an explanation since he would’ve just asked upon seeing Neil again or not asked at all. No, this was something else entirely.

“I didn’t think you ever found it,” Neil stalled while he considered his next move carefully.

“Would you rather I didn’t?”

“No,” Neil answered truthfully. “I wanted you to know back then since I thought I’d never see you again.”

“And now?” Todd asked, still worrying his nails. He was testing the waters and it was terribly obvious.

“Now you’re here...” Neil half answered. “I think we have a lot to talk about.”

“We don’t have time,” Todd smiled sadly.

Neil folded the letter back up and handed it back to Todd. “No, we don’t.”

Their hands brushed, which felt more intimate than the hugging for some reason. Todd stuffed the letter back in his wallet, making a point of it.

“Why’d you keep it?” Neil asked, knowing the answer.

Todd shook his head. “You know why.”

“Maybe I need to hear it.”

“I loved you too.”

A beat passed as Neil let the words sink in.

Todd didn’t waste time. “You said you would always...”

Neil blinked hard, starting to wonder if this was really happening. After all this time, he still only wanted one thing and it made his head spin. Worse, they were so close in proximity which meant that Todd moved closer at some point. That’s when they both knew what was going to happen.

“Do you—“

“Can I—“

They laughed.

“It’s like we’re teenagers or something,” Todd muttered.

“It would be easier if we were.”

Todd grabbed his hand gently as an invitation.

“Do you have to leave tomorrow?” Todd asked with a teasing tone.

Neil sighed. “I have a job to get back to.”

Todd wanted to argue with him, to tell him to quit his job and start really living, but he knew it would be in vain and their time together was limited enough as it is.

“This is a bad idea,” Todd realized out loud. “We’re just going to get our hearts broken again.”

“How long are you staying here?” Neil stalled.

“I don’t know. I’ve only just gotten back on my feet.”

“So you’re looking for a roommate?”

Todd looked over at him with wide eyes. “What are you saying?”

Neil didn’t say anything for a while, still too whipped into obedience from his military school days. This wasn’t something that happened anyways, so suggesting it was a shot in the dark.

Todd, discouraged by his silence, bowed his head in thought before looking back up. Neil’s damn face hadn’t changed much since high school which made everything seem like a dream.

“I was just getting over you, you know. Then you show up like some sort of sign...” Todd admitted pointedly.

I never got over you, Neil thought. “This is impossible,” is what he said though.

“Why?” Their eyes met.

Neil shook his head. “We don’t get to have this.”

“Neil, what do we have to lose? I’ve come to terms with it, why can’t you?”

“I could lose everything. My parents would never speak to me again. I might get fired from my job or kicked out of my apartment.”

Todd took a step back, swallowing hard. “I understand then. You have your world to get back to.”

It was like a kick to the gut, but Neil didn’t protest as Todd slowly made his way to the door.

“It was nice seeing you, but I wish I hadn’t.” Todd took one last meaningful look at him before slipping out the door and closing it behind him. The only evidence he’d even been there was the empty cup of coffee on the table.

Needless to say, Neil didn’t get any sleep that night. He was up late thinking about what had happened and tossed and turned on the narrow motel mattress. When had things gotten so screwed up? Maybe they’d never been fine to begin with. From the moment he met Todd, he always had the looming presence of his father and his expectations over his shoulder like an animal ready to attack. There was no better way for things to go because it seemed they’d always end up back at this point. Todd had changed though. He’d offered a future in which they could be together after all this time, even for just one night and Neil declined. His heart was too heavy for anything less than forever, but forever would never come in this world.

After playing the nights events through his head for the fourth time, he realized why Todd left so suddenly. Neil had blatantly told him that he’d rather have his dead-end job, stuffy apartment, and unloving parents than have any sort of connection with his old friend. He made a choice in that moment and it had immediate consequences. He didn’t even like his current life as it was and he still blindly chose it. So the question lingered: would he give it all up for Todd? The answer seemed so glaringly obvious that he was shocked he’d chosen the wrong thing.

This hit him like a truck as he shot up out of bed. He’d made a terrible mistake. With a rush of adrenaline, he scrambled his mind to remember where Todd was staying. Definitely close to where he was now, so Neil just barely shoved his shoes on before falling out of the room. He didn’t even bother to drive, just ran down the street like it was an emergency. Would he be in a motel too, or an apartment maybe? The sun was barely rising and Neil was outside and crazed. Would Todd even be in bed at this hour or did he get up early? Hell, had he even gotten any sleep? These questions raced through Neil’s mind as he searched for any sign of him. He couldn’t just go knocking on random doors, but the idea was tempting.

By the time the sun finally rose and the world was golden, people began trickling outside but none of them were who he was looking for. I’m never going to find him again, Neil realized with a sinking feeling, I had my chance and I blew it. Defeated, he drew out the walk back to the motel to pack, thinking maybe fate would be on his side, but it wasn’t.

That is, until he saw a figure sulking under his door. Neil’s heart raced with a hectic light in his eyes as he hoped it was real, too worked up to even worry about his unkempt hair. Unable to speak, he approached the door until the sound of his footsteps alerted the other man.

Todd looked up, but made no move to get up. “I was coming back to yell at you and call you a coward,” he explained slowly. “Then you didn’t answer your door and I thought maybe you’d driven back already.”

“Todd...” Neil began, grasping for the right words.

“Listen,” Todd said standing up to meet his eye. “I get it, you have your perfect, cookie-cutter life, but are you even happy in it? They crushed your dreams and sent you away and you still want to be whatever they want you to be. I could understand it if it made you happy, but I know it doesn’t. You had a dream, you had plans, and you threw it all away. So I guess since this is how things turned out, this is goodbye. I hope you find happiness though, I really do.”

Neil reached out and grabbed Todd’s hand to squeeze it reassuringly, a youthful twinkle in his eye. “Let’s talk inside.”

A calm washed over them as they stepped inside, but just as Neil closed the door behind them, Todd laid a hand on his face.

“Can I kiss you already?”

Stunned, Neil half-laughed. “I would’ve killed to hear those words back in high school.”

Todd, frustrated and impatient, asked, “Is that a yes?”

It was.