Chapter Text
Arthur was on one again. Many evenings were like this. Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent would be sat in a pub, Ford would make an innocent comment and Arthur would have a spluttering retort about something or another. Usually, this meant the incognito alien saying that the stock market was pointless- or something to that effect -and the earthman floundering to defend it, but this had really bothered Ford.
“Men don’t dance ford, maybe- you know, your types do, but most men don’t dance.”
Ford didn’t think this was right. He admittedly didn’t know enough about earth to dispute it.
“What do you mean?”
“Well its just not the done thin-“
Ford cut him off with a wave of his hands.
“No i mean- what do you mean by ‘your type’” This was accompanied by air quotes swung dramatically in the air.
“oh well, you know,” Arthur shifted uncomfortably “you’re- erm- you’re queer, aren’t you?” This last part was whispered because Arthur equal parts didn’t want ford to get hate crimed and feared what people may think if they knew his main drinking buddy was gay.
“I have been informed that i’m a bit strange yes.” the smaller man replied innocently but with a slight edge to his voice. Ford knew exactly what his companion was getting at but refused to let him weasel out of this conversation. Hunched over their shared table, close enough so they could speak discretely, but not enough to cause suspicion, Arthur whispered
“you know, like, homosexual”
the last word was barely heard
“oh yes well i’m bi yes” replied Ford loudly with absolutely no regard for arthur’s concern.
“well, yes, whatever you’re calling yourselves these days” Arthur’s cheeks inexplicably heated up as he spoke.
“That’s besides the point anyway Arthur, plenty of Heterosexual Men dance,“ The capital letters were audible. “it’s how they flirt with women, which is a rather inherently heterosexual thing to do.”
Arthur put his hand to his face, thought for a moment, before removing it again, opening his mouth and gesturing with his hand loosely open, it bending over to vaguely point at Ford. A moment later he closed his mouth again, closed his hand and looked up to the top right of his vision, considering how to explain this to the stubborn and oblivious man, using minimal sarcasm and euphemisms.
The whole time, he refused to look directly at the ridiculous man as he knew that somehow his friend would rope him into something that would end up with Ford passed out on his sofa and Arthur very nearly not making it all the way to bed. Once, the two of them had passed out on top of each other on Arthur’s sofa (thankfully for everyone, Ford had woken up first and extracted himself, and managed to move arthur to his bedroom so the monkey man was none the wiser). Basically, all Ford schemes involved copious amounts of alcohol.
“That’s different, there’s different rules for 20 year old students who mostly sleep drink and vaguely study, but mostly drink.” There was a pause. “You’re aloud to do that when you’re young, but when you’re our age, you go to your local pub, have a pint, and a chat.”
I Second That Emotion drifted softly through the tinny speakers behind the bar and Ford’s bones itched to just drag the frigid Arthur to the middle of the room and make him relax a little. However, even ford could see that this would be weird since no one else in the little pub seemed to even notice there was any music playing.
Ford thought about this argument, and thought he had won because young men are still men, but it turned out Arthur hadn’t finished.
“-and anyway, those are the people in the city, out here in the stix, where my nearest neighbours are this pub and the village hall 7 miles down the road, it’s not the same world”
Again, Ford went to explain that it is possible to go into town but Arthur persisted.
“ALSO, it’s never really dancing, it’s just vaguely jumping up and down and making an excuse to get close to someone you like”
Ford couldn’t argue with the last part of his but wasn’t going to let on.
“look, Arthur, dancing is amazing and freeing and i know for a fact you do it when you’re cooking so what’s so different about doing it in clubs?”
Arthur flushed slightly at the domestic thought of Ford seeing him dancing badly while cooking.
“That’s the thing ford, you make me sound like some kind of housewife, i really- i just-“ he floundered “I shouldn’t be doing that. I should be watching adoringly at my beautiful wife making my dinner and dancing softly”
It was ford’s turn to put his head in his hands. ‘Here we go again’ he thought, groaning internally but deciding that that’s a problem for another day, baby steps.
“come on arthur, let show you people actually dancing and having a great time i promice you’ll enjoy it”
Arthur had made the mistake of looking up at his point and saw ford’s pleading face and felt his resolve slip away.
“okay, but if I’ve had enough we’re going”
“with a half an hour at least guarantee” Ford countered making himself look as innocent as possible.
“Fine.” came the reluctant reply
Two weeks later Arthur was pulling out of his drive with his least ‘dad-like’ clothes, as ford put it with ford in the passenger seat looking far too pleased with himself and giving directions to whatever club they were heading to.
“If a young woman starts to do that weird dancey thing near me, I am going to be turning round and giving her a lecture on avoiding older men.”
“Arthur you’re 30 you’re not exactly an older man.”
“I’m older than those bright young things!”
“You may act and speak like a 50 year old conservative mp but you’re not so pipe down.” he said looking at his friend fondly shaking his head. “I can almost guarantee that won’t happen anyway.” He added at a mumble.
Arthur opened and closed his mouth a few times in an act that was rather reminiscent of a fish before finally pursing his lips and pausing. He then finally said:
“I think I should be relieved at that, but it feels slightly like an attack on my masculinity. ”
“Everything feels like an attack on your masculinity to you...” Ford mumbled into his hand.
“What was that?”
“nothing baby”
After a moment of inner turmoil Arthur quietly replied, “You really need to stop calling me baby, people will talk.”
“Humans do little else, I’m not sure how me calling you, as I do with many people, ‘baby’ makes any difference”
“no, ford, bad- bad talking, speculating, talking that could loose me my job”
They fell into silence.
“I can do you a no bad speculating guarantee this evening, and there’s definitely none of your coworkers in this car.” Ford said eventually in a tone that one would usually reserve for a toddler that you feared would throw a tantrum at any moment.
“Is that okay baby?” he continued playfully when he didn’t get a response.
The alien wouldn’t have pushed it, if it wasn’t for an incident a few weeks back. While very drunk, the two of them had stumbled into arthur’s little house. Ford had subsequently shouted “HOME SWEET HOME BABY” and fallen straight on his face. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), for everyone involved, arthur was leaning on his friend for support, so joined him on the floor. Ford had made a noise like a hurt Minecraft character, rolled over, and dissolved into a fit of giggles. Next to him, Arthur had just stared at him softly and leaned into press his lips to Ford’s ear to speak in a barely audible despite lack of anyone to overhear “When you call me baby it makes me feel rather, lovely.” He’d then started giggling in place of Ford who’d just stopped dead in his tracks, looking down awkwardly at his friend, reassessing every interaction they’d ever had. He wrapped his arm around Arthur’s head- that was now buried in the smaller man’s neck -lightly, and the two of them fell asleep, right there in the hall.
The next morning, by the time Prefect had woken up, Arthur was already up and about and clearly didn’t remember anything from the night before because he could make eye contact.
“We both fell asleep in the hall, my head was in the bathroom”
Ford silently thanked a random deity that Arthur didn’t know what position they were in when they fell asleep.
“Do you remember anything past you nearly killing someone with a dart? Because i’m completely blank.” Arthur enquired, rubbing his head and taking some description of pain killer.
Ford watched as the taller man threw his head back and his adam’s apple bobbed up and down, thinking carefully before he spoke.
“not really,” he lied reluctantly. Part of him was sad arthur didn’t know what he admitted, but he knew it was for the best, “Just you nearly fighting the barman to get another round of drinks at one point.”
Ford was brought out of his memories the feeling of two eyes on him. “Arthur the road!” he shouted and the earthman swung his head back to look for incoming cars face quickly blushing.
“your curls have gone awry” he muttered so quietly Ford wouldn’t have heard if it wasn’t for the babel fish in his ear amplifying it.
“thanks baby” he smiled mischievously trying to see quite how red he could make arthur turn. The answer was Very.
“We’re nearly in london now are you going to tell me where we are going?”
“Er, head for soho, we can drop the car at the premier in on Hopkins Street, I got us a room for the night so we don’t have to worry about getting a cab or collecting the car tomorrow.”
“Crikey.” arthur replied simply
Soon the pair were walking out of the carpark and down a few side-streets, when the taller man shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and opened a conversation again.
“you’re really splurging on this, you’re not exactly rolling in money- you get evicted from your apartment at least once a year” He said disjointedly, trying to avoid a simple ‘yes i am’ response and get an explanation.
Ford hummed, his evictions usually had nothing to do with money. Pretty early on, he’d managed to get his guide card to work on earth ATMs so was fairly okay for money- he just liked to live a basic life because it was what he knew. He stopped and turned arthur to face him, doing his best to be stern despite Arthur’s significant height advantage.
“make it up to me by relaxing this evening, everyone will be laughing with you, not at you. The only reason anyone would judge you is if you start spouting your proper men nonsense.”
Arthur looked taken aback but nodded once curtly and they continued down the street.
Lights on every side promised various forms of alcohol and company so brightly that it was hard to focus on any one, but these didn’t seem to interest Ford and he lead down another ally to a little door. Above the door was a little sign that made Arthur’s stomach drop to his feet.
“Ford,” he hissed “this is a, this-“
Ford looked at him expectantly
“an all men’s club”
“there’s women here too!”
“no i mean a- a gay club”
Ford grinned and replied, as innocently as he could muster, “Is it? I hadn’t noticed.” and walked through the door pausing only to tell the bouncer that this gentleman is Arthur. The bouncer raised a knowing eyebrow and allowed the two of them though, as Dent was left with no choice but to follow.
Killer queen blasted through speakers that seemed to be in every corner of the club, a mismatched group of people gathered in the middle of the room seemed to be chatting and laughing and dancing, so carefree. Arthur remained tense but felt a small smile creep on to his face. Snapping him out of his thoughts, a young man behind the bar clapped his hand on his back making him jump.
“Looking a bit tense there bud, can I get you a drink?”
Arthur just stared open mouth failing to produce words as the barman simply studied him.
“Let me guess, a pint?”
Shoulders rather more close to his ears than most, the nervous man simply nodded mutely.
When words finally came to Dent he stuttered out
“Have you seen my friend? erm- dresses like a granddad-”
“you’re going to need to narrow it down a bit mate” he chuckled gesturing to the population of the room “that includes half the lesbians, just use their name, i know most of the people here by name”
“oh uh- ford”
“oh of course Ford, right” he said trailing off and eventually pointed slap bang in the middle of the dance floor.
A look of realisation suddenly spread across the barman’s face
“christ! are you arthur?”
Slightly more relaxed but no less out of his depth, Arthur went red and mumbled a pathetic, “that’s me,” and a moment later, after a desperate swing of his beer, “what on earth has he been saying about me to everyone?”
“can’t reveal that” he said with a wink and grin that made Arthur feel something he couldn’t quite identify.
“I’m Thomas by the way, resident bartender and shrink.”
With a healthy about of alcohol coursing though his veins, Arthur made his way though the throng of people to Ford, having to tear his eyes off one particularly fascinating arse, to look for his friend’s familiar curls. Eventually, he found him and saw him conversing while gesturing wildly with someone in a leather jacket. Said person looked him up and down, looked over at Ford wild eyed and grinned while punching him in the arm “You didn’t tell me you brought arthur?!”
“Well you were quite intent on telling me about how ally wouldn’t let you wash your strap in the dishwasher, I’ve hardly got a word in edge ways” Ford replied with no genuine venom.
“Arthur, deb. Deb, well, you know Arthur”
Deb was donned in a leather jacket, sported long dreads and looked like she could deck ford in a single strike. She looked between the two of them and strode off, not before whispering something to Ford that made the small man blush a little.
“Is there a single person in this place who you haven’t told about me?”
Ford shrugged and gave him a signature smile.
The rational part of Arthur’s brain was not at all happy about a community of queers knowing about his existence but a small part just did a victory lap that he existed as more than a drinking buddy at the weekend and some knew who’s coach he could crash on. He looked at Ford’s face and how happy he looked, and the rational part of his brain started to shrink.
‘Shame Shame Shame’ began to play though the speakers and ford practically jumped out of his skin. A massive grin formed on his face and he grabbed a reluctant Arthur’s hand and dragged him into somewhere with a little more space.
The small man wiggled vaguely in time to the strums of the guitar, moving his arms in a ridiculous motion as Arthur picked up a second pint and downed it. ‘Shame, shame shame, shame, shame, shame shame, a shame on you’ Ford sang along in a register way above what he could reach without a sounding like a strangled cat. As this was happening, Arthur had sat down at the bar, Ford had followed him, picked up a shot, poked arthur’s nose with his finger, and downed the shot before continuing to sing.
‘If you can’t dance too’
on this, arthur was once again hauled into the space, but this time he didn’t let go of his hands and moved him from side to side. As time went on, the taller man started to loosen up and enjoy himself, he wasn’t fully dancing but wasn’t dead weight either, he allowed himself to be lead by his companion and used the opportunity to watch Ford having fun.
During the next song, - ‘You Make Me Feel (mighty real)’ Ford span arthur round and danced them towards the bar. Arthur was backed against the bar as Ford leant over and grabbed two shots. The whole time, Arthur’s body felt like it was on fire with the feeling of his friend’s body almost completely flush against his own, and leant his forehead against Ford’s shoulder, despite only being on 2 beers. This caused an eyebrow raise from Thomas, and Ford wiggles his own back to communicate “I told you”
When Arthur raised his head again, Ford handed him the shot and raised his own glass and they drank. “That’s your last drink though i don’t want you going to crazy on me”
In reality, Ford was curious as to what would happen with him only on a few drinks, alcohol may not change you but he didn’t want to completely intoxicate the guy.
For a few moments they didn’t move and arthur simply gazed up and said “thank you” and no further explanation was needed.
Sounding again like a distressed rodent, Ford sang along to the song and dragged arthur reluctantly to his feet. To Arthur, the atmosphere was absolutely intoxicating and watched as his friend high fived people as they passed. While talking to one guy who arthur wasn’t paying attention to, Ford span himself into arthur’s arms and a bystander wolf whistled. This made the earthman feel slightly odd and his face flush red. He lifted his chin from where he’d subconsciously rested it on Ford’s head and cleared his throat pitifully and declared “erm- I’m straight by the way- I uh- he dragged me here” there was a lot of eye rolling and ‘sure you are buddy’ and he felt the stress returning to his body. Everything suddenly felt very loud and close and sweaty and loud and bright and he tore off to the toilet in the corner of the room. The last thing he heard before slamming the door behind him was Ford’s distant groan and, “I may have to kill you”
The little alien walked over to the bar to complain to Thomas about how it was a miracle he got so comfortable so quickly and now it was all destroyed. Ford Prefect wasn’t very proactive with people having mental breakdowns.
On the other side of the bar, Arthur Dent was leant against the inside of a bathroom door breathing deeply and trying to sort the events of the evening so far, over in his head.
Part of him knew that he liked men. A tiny part buried deep, deep, down, but it was there none the less. The rest of him assumed he’d find the right woman one day and settle down, start a family, the normal progression. Unfortunately, this was also the part of his brain that thought he had a career past the menial research department of BBC radio. Over the evening he’d been having a great time and just got out of his head, or rather out of the large part of his head and into the tiny locked away box. He thought about the way he’d felt flush against Ford, how he’d felt when implied they were a couple, the flush on his face when one of the other guys had seemingly checked him out, the way his stomach felt like it was a few stone lighter when watching Ford have a good time-
His thoughts were cut off by someone clearing their throat. “Are you going to let me out?”
It quickly transpired that that person was Deb.
Arthur opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to form sentences “erm- is this not the men’s?” he asked.
“what even is gender?” came the perplexing reply “Actually, don’t answer that, just trust me when i say no one cares what it says on that door round here.”
A moment passed.
“Well? Are you going to tell me why you’re barricading the door or just let me out?”
“Oh i just- uh- quite- yes” he moved away from the door but Deb didn’t walk though it.
“Right Mr, tell me what you’re thinking, because Ford is my friend, and he likes you, but i know he won’t come looking for you, because he’s got some theory about letting you sort yourself out but i’m going to be direct”
“I- Uh-“ he fumbled pathetically. When no further words came, Deb decided to soldier on.
“You remind me of my wife.” She said simply, causing arthur to flap his jaw even more.
“well excuse you miss, i’m not your wife, if anything you’d be MY wife” he said with a small nod as if ticking a mental list.
“oh good god he wasn’t kidding about, you really are like ally when i first met her”
Arthur looked dumbfounded
“I don’t mean you remind me of the type of person i’d marry- you’re a bit too male for starters - I mean you remind me of the woman who is my wife”
“well, you can’t have a wife you’re a woman” he retorted
Deb rubbed her temples and looked up at the ceiling and muttered a quick ‘Ford Prefect, you owe me so many drinks little man’
“he is rather small” arthur said quietly, and deb elected to ignore that.
“What do you think of when i say marriage?” she asked slowly
“well, uh, money is all together, you’re each other’s next of kin, you live together, have kids, all that stuff”
“well I mean Wife, in the sense that we wear rings and are committed to each other, Wife in the eyes of our little community- my little family- but not, as you know, in the eyes of the law”
“So your parents give you their blessing for this?” Arthur said, trying not too look too jealous.
“not exactly- word of advice, don’t ask about parents too much around here”
“i thought you said family?”
“chosen family arthur”
“you can’t choo-“ he was
shushed.
“one step at a time”
“I-“
She motion zipping her lips and his mouth snapped shut.
“Ally, my wife, when we met, she would call me slurs, she wouldn’t say gay out loud, she’d get drunk and kiss me and then refuse to talk about it the next day. I have dragged her kicking and screaming through all that and now, I’m telling you’re going to bash though this mental wall”
Arthur looked taken aback and thought for a moment, he couldn’t imagine being like these people, he just wasn’t cut out for it. Quickly, he corrected himself, he wasn’t like them anyway. He thought about all the men out there beyond that door and he felt like he may be sick, the blood drained from his face, he felt off balance, he couldn’t be thinking about this in the stingy bathroom of a gay club with the close friend of the guy he likes just staring at him. Tears welled to his eyes, he’d never even put liking ford into a proper sentence before, even mentally, and he felt himself slide down the door and put his head in his hands. Tears welled to his eyes and alcohol coursed casually though his bloodstream making his vision bury and resolve weak.
Deb couched down next to him and patted his back weakly.
“Think out loud dude, it helps.”
Arthur let out a shakey breath
“I’ve known for so long...”
“be explicit babe”
“Why does everyone round here say baby so much?”
“We’re not afraid to show friendly affection?”
“oh” He said, doing his best not to sound winey, ford was just being friendly then.
“I’m going to leave the room and I promise you, I’m not abandoning you.”
As promised, Deb went out of the door and Arthur buried his head between his knees. He felt pathetic, sobbing in a bathroom at 30, what would his mother think of him. Oh dear god, he thought, he did not need her in his head right now. Somewhere in the back of his head, he heard something shout, “FORD PREFECT” and he told it to shut up about ford prefect, and that he knew that he was part of the matter in hand, but he didn’t want to think about his stupid face and soft hair. This exchange continued despite the fact that the original comment wasn’t actually made by his own head.
It was in fact made by a frustrated lesbian who was about to drag a man with very poor people skills to deal with his boyfriend that didn’t know he was his boyfriend.
“Ford Prefect” she reiterated, “I’ve done this once this is your responsibility.”
Ford splutted as his drink was yanked from his hands and downed by deb and she belched loudly to punctuate this.
“I can’t do this,” he said wide eyes, “I thought some alcohol and disco would help matters”
“well, it did help, i think he nearly admitted he was gay out loud earlier”
“So what’s the issue?”
“don’t tell me you’ve never experienced internalised homophobia, he’s a mess!”
“no, i haven’t, actually, so i’m finding it rather hard to understand this situation”
“you’re inhuman” deb said exasperated
“i know i am” he replied sadly, into the space that his drink used to occupy. He was too drunk to care and he just wanted off this backwards plannet.
“just go get him, he’s in pieces,”
Ford opened his mouth to protest but deb raised one finger and he snapped his mouth shut again, “I know you think you’re bad at comforting people but just give him a pat on the back man, he’ll probably have verbal diarrhoea.”
With a huff, he took off to the toilets at a light jog.
“how’s it going baby” he said brightly, crouching down in front of Arthur, who had his head still between his knees and his face was puffy from crying. The question seemed to start arthur crying all over again and he threw his head into the middle of the small man’s chest. Ford wrapped his arms round his head awkwardly and let him cry.
“I don’t want this to be me” he said eventually, into ford’s mismatch shirt. Unfortunately, what ford heard was “ibo vant bis ube me”. Fortunately, the babel fish cared more about the intention to speak than the actual words said. Unfortunately, Ford had no clue what he meant by it, and simply patted him on the head weakly. Arthur looked up from the awkward position he was in and Ford looked down in turn doing his best not to look bemused.
“I think you’re beautiful you know.” Arthur muttered, catching Ford off guard and making tears well in his eyes also.
“oh?” he managed to choke out in reply
“Yeah,” The earth man sighed weakly, hitting his head against his friend’s chest, “and i hate that.”
“trying hard not to take offence”
“I just said you’re beautiful, there’s no pleasing some people.” retorted arthur in his most signature tone. Despite himself, he started to laugh as Ford simply watched with a smile on his face, astounded at himself for finding this man attractive. Without warning, laughing morphed into sobbing again and Arthur just said “oh god”.
They stayed just like that for a few minutes: arthur sobbing, and Ford doing his best to offer some sort of comfort. Eventually, arthur managed words once more.
“I don’t want to loose my job, or my friends, or my house, or my routine.”
“you won’t-“
“I just want to live my normal life, but-“ he seemed to be searching for words to express what he wanted and eventuality alighted on “hold your hand occasionally”
Ford stared, and tears came to his eyes thinking about the simplicity and innocence that wish. He grabbed Arthur’s hand awkwardly and brought it up to his lips softly, barely even touching.
“You can do that, I swear, Ally - deb’s wife - she works as a secretary, as far as everyone is concerned she is just a heterosexual woman living with a roommate. She doesn’t even come here- isn’t really her scene.”
Arthur looked like he was considering this.
“please give me a chance”
Ford had a pleading look in his eyes that Arthur didn’t quite recognise, all trace of mischief was missing, he seemed sincere and serious.
“wait... Are you saying you like- like me?” He felt rather childish saying it like that but how else do you ask out your friend of 4 years- ‘fancy getting a coffee some time’ doesn’t quite cut it.
Ford would have kissed him at this point, a simple answer, but he suspected they weren’t quite there yet. Instead he said: “That night we passed out in the corridor, we fell asleep snuggled together, and it’s the most like home i’ve ever felt in about 14 years.”
“Can we go back to the hotel?” Arthur asked, voice very small, lifting himself up so he was sat down.
“Of course baby”