Chapter 1: The meeting
Chapter Text
Anne did everything she could to stay focused. Her eyes sore from too many hours sat looking at her computer screen and her notes, her brain a bit fuzzy from all the black tea and her hand cramped from writing page after page. She looked up from her notes and unconsciously her eyes fell on the brown-haired boy sat at the desk opposite hers. She didn’t know his name, but he had been coming to the library as much as her. It wasn’t unusual at the time of year, with the first term coming to an end and finals before winter break approaching, but it bothered her.
The first day he had taken her favourite spot, a chair at the far end of the table just next to the window. It had the best lightning in the whole room and Anne could look up and observe the garden just bellow whenever she needed a break. She debated asking him to move at first but then decided it would come off as rude and he wouldn’t understand so she sat down at another spot and spent her breaks trying not to think about the apple tree on the garden and the squirrels that usually roam it. Then, about a week later, she found him looking for a book in the same aisle as her. She ignored him, telling herself it was ridiculous to be mad at a boy she didn’t even know because he had taken her spot one time. But then they both reached for the same book, at the same time. At first, they’d laughed but when they realized it was the only copy things had gotten less funny.
“You take it” he had said and for some reason this made Anne angry again.
“No, no, you take it.” Her tone a bit angrier than she’d wanted it to, she wasn’t usually this passive-aggressive but something about this boy made her temper rise.
“If you insist” he had shrugged and walked away, unbothered. Anne was about ready to let go of it and forget about the boy forever, but he kept showing up at the library the same days she did and sitting near her. Then one day as Anne was reviewing for her Latin exam, he kept trying to get her attention.
“Psst” she ignored him, kept reading the Julius Caesar speech in front of her.
“Hey, hey” he whispered but she still didn’t look up. “Hey Carrots!” he said as he tugged at her braid. At this she looked up, furious, and slapped her hand across his cheek. He had looked surprised, his green eyes wide and taken aback.
“Leave me alone” she whispered and went back to her notes, trying not to blush in anger and frustration.
After that he hadn’t tried to speak to her again, so Anne had done her best to forget about it. But he still sat near her and she still found herself looking at him when she looked up from her notes. Suddenly he looked up as well and his eyebrows crossed in confusion when he found her looking at him. Anne blushed slightly and quickly moved her gaze back to her notes. Later as she left the library, she heard someone say:
“Carrots! Wait!” she turned around towards the source of the voice and almost crashed into him. He was half running towards her.
“Will you please stop calling me that?” she said, trying to remain calm.
“I don’t know your name” he smiled devilishly as if having so much fun.
“It is Anne, with an E, but you don’t need to know it” she was about to continue walking and leave him behind when she realised “why were you calling for me anyways?” her eyes looked at him inquisitively.
“Well, you should know, Anne, that I was calling for you because I wanted to give you this” he searched around in his backpack and took out a book. The book they’d both been looking for a few weeks back “I’m done with it and remembered you wanted it too, tried to give it to you the other day but you slapped me” she felt a pang of guilt and looked away from his face quickly.
“Well, thanks. Goodbye” she took the book from his outstretched hand and started walking towards the bus stop. A moment later she realized he was walking beside her “is there anything else you wanted?” he was looking at her with a strange expression.
“Uh, no not really, I’m just going to the bus stop” he pointed across the street, to the same bus stop she was walking to.
“Oh, me too” she said, a bit more shyly. They walked in silence and the stood in silence while they waited for the bus, then he suddenly spoke.
“I’m Gilbert, by the way” and stretched out his arm. Anne shook his hand and then, before she could think of anything to say a bus came. It wasn’t the one Anne needed so she stayed at the stop but Gilbert moved towards it, as he got on he said “nice to meet you, Anne with an E” and grinned, making a dimple appear on his cheek. Anne forced a smile back and looked away as the doors closed behind him. The whole ride home she kept thinking about that infuriating smile he had given her, and his green eyes and his brown hair and the way he had said “nice to meet you, Anne with an E”. When she got home, she went directly to her best friend and flatmate, Diana.
“And he didn’t even say sorry for pulling at my hair and calling me Carrots!” she exclaimed as she finished.
“At least he gave you the book” said Diana, not sounding very sure. Anne scoffed and looked at the book angrily.
“I don’t want it if he’s going to insult me to give it to me” Diana didn’t know what to say, in her opinion Anne was blowing things a bit out of proportion but that was what Anne usually did, so Diana offered to make some tea.
Days passed until Anne talked with Gilbert again. They were both at the bus stop again, he had already been there when she arrived. Her mind was lost in Latin terms and syntaxis and she almost didn’t notice him moving toward her.
“How are you liking the book?” he asked and she was taken aback slightly, not expecting that question.
“I actually haven’t read much, got this big Latin exam tomorrow” she had wanted to read more but time escaped her. She spent more hours at the library than she did at home and when she got there it was all she could do to not go directly to bed. Diana was worried that she wasn’t eating enough because most days she didn’t even have the energy to cook dinner.
“I get that, I’ve got a biology one the day after tomorrow” he nodded his head in understanding. She saw her bus approaching and moved “well, when you get to it let me know your thoughts” he smiled at her, the same way he’d done before getting on the bus some days back.
“Don’t worry, I will” she said back in another burst of passive-aggressiveness and when she was sat on a seat she took out the book and read the whole ride home.
At first, she’d tried to just ignore him, even though it was obvious he sat next to her and tried to make conversation. She either didn’t respond to his questions or answered with monosyllabic responses, he continued talking, about his homework, his exams, his grades, the books he was reading… Anne couldn’t stop herself from responding at that, oblivious to the fact that he was doing it to tease her, and soon enough they both were caught up in a sort of race to better up the other. Who took less time eating lunch to go back, who spent longer hours focused and so on, who read a book faster. It was all in a healthy manner, and at the end of the day Anne even appreciated it, since it made her more focused and she felt more prepared for her exams than ever. It went on for several weeks, each time one of them mentioned something about school Anne felt the need to do better and a strange feeling towards Gilbert she classified as hate.
On the bus she had only opened the book to spite him, but soon enough she was absorbed in it and when he asked her next, she couldn’t refrain from telling him all her theories and thoughts on how it was written. She would have felt a bit embarrassed of being such a nerd in front of a boy she barely knew if he wasn’t responding to all of her comments with his own theories and thoughts, just as nerdy. The conversation left her feeling somewhat confused, she had told Diana she hated this boy, Gilbert, and now she wasn’t so sure she hated him. He did make her need to take a breath and count to ten sometimes, but she also really enjoyed talking with him about this book. She decided it was best to put those confusing thoughts out of her mind concentrate on her exams. Anne didn’t know when it had happened but now they sat side by side at the library, she still on her spot by the window and him next to her, biology books spread out in front of him, between the both of them they took up four spaces in total.
They also had started spending their breaks together and walking to the bus stop together. One day, just two days before Anne’s last exam (ancient Greek literature, one of her favourite subjects) as they sat under the apple tree having lunch Gilbert said.
“Give me your phone” Anne looked at him quizzically, she had been lost thinking about Euripides, her mind still lost in her notes upstairs.
“What for?” Gilbert laughed as if there was something she was missing.
“To put my number in it” when this didn’t dissipate the confused look on Anne’s face he continued “tomorrow is my last exam, I won’t be coming back to the library in a while” he smiled.
“Oh” Anne felt confused again, he wouldn’t be coming back, of course, she wouldn’t either, once the Greek exam was done with, but she hadn’t thought about what that meant.
“That way we can stay in touch” he said, a bit less confidently. Anne took out her phone and handed it to him, still a bit dazzled. He punched in his number and called himself “so I have yours too” he smiled, and Anne smiled back.
The rest of the afternoon she was unable of concentrating on Greek literature, as much as she liked it, the only thing on her mind was trying to image going to the library and not having Gilbert sat next to her, not having lunch with him, or waiting for the bus with him. When she got home, she spilled it all out for Diana who looked at her rather funny.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” Diana quickly changed her expression to a more serious one.
“It’s just… Anne, I think you like Gilbert” she suppressed a smile and Anne felt her cheeks burning.
“I do not!” what was Diana talking about? Liking Gilbert! Nothing further from reality. “I don’t like him at all, sure, he is friendly, and we talk about books but that’s it. I wouldn’t even say we are friends! He makes me furious sometimes and I don’t know him outside of the library” Diana didn’t look convinced at all but pushed Anne no further. The next day when Anne sat at her spot Gilbert wasn’t there, he also wasn’t there when she had lunch or when she stood waiting for the bus. She got through her exam and did her best not to spend the afternoon looking at his name in her contacts list. Diana’s words still on her mind “Anne, I think you like Gilbert” what had made Diana think that? All Anne remembered telling her about Gilbert was how angry he made her. Thinking about this suddenly made her angry at him again. Who was he to have her feeling confused? To make her spend the afternoon of her last exam laying around instead of celebrating or doing something fun. Determined to get Gilbert out of her mind she put on her boots and coat and went to her favourite bookshop in town.
When she was a kid Anne had found solace in books, she had spent most of her childhood in horrible foster homes or the orphanage, until Marilla and Mathew adopted her, and she found a family. As much as she loved Marilla and Mathew, Green Gables sometimes felt lonely with only just them. Diana didn’t live very far away but her mother hadn’t always approved of their relationship, so once again (this time less desperately) she found company in her books. When she and Diana moved to the city for Uni the first place Anne had found that sense of home was at this bookshop. Of course her flat with Diana was comfortable and she loved it there, but the first few months it felt strange, to not wake up at her bed in Green Gables with Marilla’s knock on the door or Mathews rumbling in the barn, not even the birds perched on a branch of the three outside her window. So, for those months she spent a lot of time lost between the aisles of the bookshop. It was a small one, family run, an old store filled to the brim with books. There, books in the aisles but also under the counter, under the steps of the stairs and piled up in random corners. There was a try at organizing them, but Anne thought it might be impossible. She always went first to the classics section and then made her way around the whole space, she read just about anything she could lay her hands upon. Today she wasn’t looking for anything in particular and ended up looking at the second part to the book she had taken out of the library, the one Gilbert had read before her, and then she started thinking about him again. So much for trying to get him out of her mind. Then, as if she had conjured him up with her thoughts Gilbert came in through the door.
Chapter 2: a white Christmas
Notes:
This one is long so I suggest you get snacks or something.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Without thinking Anne ducked behind the aisle and dared only to peer through the stacks of books. Gilbert hadn’t seen her yet and he seemed to know the place, went directly to the science research section. Anne sighed, relieved and went back to put the book on the shelf. Just as she was putting it back, she felt someone tap her shoulder and when she turned around found Gilbert beaming down at her. Oh.
“It’s really good, I just finished it the other day” his eyes were gleaming, clearly having fun.
“What?” Anne didn’t quite get what he was talking about.
“The book” he pointed to the book she had just set on the shelve “I was waiting until we saw each other again to ask if you’d read it already, figured I could lent it to you if you hadn’t” Anne didn’t know what to say “but I see you already wanted to buy it” Actually, she wasn’t going to buy it, but it seemed weird now. She grabbed the book and moved toward the check-out, he walked with her, a book in his hand as well.
“Oh, hello Anne, hadn’t seen you around in a while” said the lady at the register, she was the owner of the shop and quickly had become friends with Anne through a shared passion for Charlotte Bronte. She was what Anne liked to call “a kindred spirit”.
“And you’ve brought a friend!” she smiled widely at Gilbert, who smiled back a very charming smile, making his dimple appear and Anne look away quickly.
“Uh” were they friends? “yes” she said tentatively, Gilbert didn’t seem to notice much.
“Let me get it for you, an end of exams gift” he said to her, taking out his wallet. This made Anne’s anger toward him come back in full and she forgot all about his dimple.
“Absolutely not, I can pay for my own books” Gilbert looked a bit taken aback from her brashness but wisely didn’t contradict her and let her be. Anne had always had a bit of a difficult relationship with money. She hadn’t had any for a big part of her life and Mathew and Marilla weren’t exactly swimming in it either, so books were the only thing Anne splurged on. Diana sometimes offered to pay for her at coffee shops or the movies but Anne always refused, she didn’t want to feel like she owed people money, or like they were taking pity on her, it wasn’t going to be different with Gilbert.
Once they were back out on the cold street he said:
“So? How was your Greek exam?” Anne was slightly surprised he remembered what exam she had taken that day, but that wasn’t so special, she told herself, she remembered his exam too.
“It went pretty well, of course I won’t know for sure until I have the final grades, but I was happy when I was done. How was your anatomy one?” He went off talking about some question in the exam that had been nagging at his brain because he wasn’t sure he had answered it right. Anne didn’t know much about anatomy but that didn’t seem to stop Gilbert, on the contrary he was glad to explain the terms to her. Anne wasn’t the person to be bored with difficult knowledge, she loved finding out new things, so she immediately got lost in Gilberts explanations of the muscles of the face and didn’t even notice where they were going. She only realised where they were once they arrived.
If there was one thing Anne missed more than anything from living at Green Gables, it was nature. (Of course, Mathew and Marilla were a close second.) She missed being able to run through the fields, to wake up and see green, go to sleep with the sounds of crickets and owls, the smell of it all in the spring, the cleanness of the snow in winter. There was green in the city, trees along the streets and so, but it was all dulled, made smaller by the towering buildings, the noises drowned out by the cars and buses and trains and all the people. But there was this park, big and full of trees and squirrels and birds, it had a big lake in the middle that seemed like a pond in comparison to the Lake of Shining Waters, but Anne wasn’t one to complain about it. Of course, the park was no secret, it was rather big, and many people went there for their runs or picknicks so it wasn’t a surprised that Gilbert knew of it, but Anne didn’t expect to go there with him. She had only gone there alone, when she needed to surround herself with nature to calm her nerves before important days, or when she started to feel claustrophobic walking through so many crowded streets. At first, she’d only come when she was homesick, but now she went there almost at any minor inconvenience.
They got a hot chocolate from one of the stands that inevitably appeared during the winter and sat down on the grass. The sun was on its way to setting even though it was only five in the afternoon and the sky behind Gilberts head was pale blue with the last rays of sun, making his dark head of hair stand out more, there was one curl out of place that made Anne smile.
“What is it?” he asked, his hand shooting up.
“Nothing” Anne laughed “you have this one curl standing up” without thinking about it she reached her hand and patted it down “there, now it’s back with the rest of them” she smiled at him again, the chocolate warm in her stomach and the air cold against her cheeks. She saw that he was blushing, looking at her in a very intense way that she didn’t quite understand, she moved her eyes and fixed them on a particular spot of grass beside her shoe. Quickly enough he asked her something and they were back to the conversation. Anne only realised how long they’d been talking (and walking) when they found themselves at the bus stop next to the library.
“Funny” he said, his breath forming a white cloud “we can’t get rid of this place, even when exams are done” they both laughed. Suddenly as they waited for the bus Anne felt like she wasn’t cold at all, she thought it might have been because of all the walking, plus the chocolate, and ignored the voice in her head that said it had something to do with blushing every time Gilberts hand brushed against hers, or how his eyes looked particularly emerald-greenish because of his purple scarf. When her bus got there before his she was tempted to not get on and continue their conversation, but it was late and her stomach grumbled, asking for dinner. As she sat next to the window, she saw him pointing to his phone, mouthing something. At first she didn’t understand what he was saying but then she realized he was asking her to take out her phone, by the time she did so the bus was moving but sure enough the screen lit up with a text.
GILBERT
Please tell me what you think of the book.
I’m dying for you to read the next one.
😊
She smiled at the screen for a second before catching herself and reminding herself that she was angry at Gilbert. Only that she didn’t know what exactly she was angry about. She answered to his text.
ANNE
I expect that it will be done by tomorrow.
I pretend to spend the whole train journey home reading.
At that Gilbert asked where she was going, and Anne remembered that he didn’t know about Mathew and Marilla or Green Gables. It was strange, she felt like they knew each other for longer than they did, they had talked so much the last month. She didn’t even notice how much time she spent texting with him until Marilla pointed it out one day.
“Since when are you one of those girls addicted to her phone?” The woman asked, frowning at Anne from the kitchen. Anne was sat at the base of the stairs, boots half laced. She had been getting ready for a walk when Gilbert had sent her a photo of him and his roommate, Bash, making a mini snowman on their front porch. This comment from Marilla got Anne out of her stupor, she finished lacing up her boots and left for her walk, leaving her phone behind. She didn’t specially like winter, it killed off all the bright colours of the other seasons but some days she appreciated the white of snow at Avonlea. As she treaded down a path carefully not to slip on the ice her mind wandered back to Gilbert. They’d been talking so much that Anne had forgotten she was supposed to hate him. It was difficult now, to think about Gilbert with such harsh terms. She had learned a lot about him in the last few days of texting. Like for example that he didn’t leave the city for Christmas because he didn’t have any family other than Bash and Mary, his roommates. Or that he hated blood, but he wanted to help cure people more, so he didn’t let it stop him from trying to become a doctor. But she had also learned more subtle thing about him, like the fact that he sent several messages instead of long paragraphs like she did, or that he used emojis unironically. She learned that he went to sleep late because he was always the one to send the last text of the day. Often a gif of a kitty sleeping, way after she had gone to bed. She didn’t know what to make of these things, of this Gilbert that had taken the place of the other Gilbert, the one who always tried to best her with how much he studied and who called her Carrots and pulled at her braid, or the Gilbert from the day at the bookshop, that drunk hot chocolate at the park.
She was still confused, but not so much because she didn’t what to think of him and more because she felt like she had read him wrong. When she got to Diana’s house, she remembered what the girl had told her weeks ago, about liking Gilbert, but quickly dismissed it from her mind. She was just overwhelmed from talking with him so much, once they stopped talking so often she’d see it was nothing to worry about. Plus, what if she did like Gilbert? he would never like her back. This made her feel strange and suddenly she felt really cold all over and the white of the snow didn’t seem magical at all, more... blinding. She looked around and realized she had walked a lot more than she intended to and wasn’t exactly sure where she was. There was a time when she knew all of Avonlea like the back of her hand, but months away at the city and a deep layer of snow covering the landscape made her falter. She kept walking, trying to spot her own footsteps in the snow but it had started to snow again, and they weren’t visible anymore. After a while the snowfall got thicker and she couldn’t feel her nose, but she wasn’t near any houses, Diana nor hers, and there was no sign of anyone around. Not knowing what else to do she kept walking, cursing the moment she’d decided to leave her phone back at Green Gables.
Time passed and Anne kept walking, she was sure it must have been at least two hours since she left and wondered if Mathew and Marilla had gone out to look for her. She hoped they hadn’t, specially Marilla who had been having trouble with her eyesight recently. After some more walking she finally saw a figure walking towards her, against the current of the wind. Her spirits rose and she tried her best to run towards them.
“Anne?” the voice called; it was Mathew! “Anne is it you?” he called at her, stopping.
“Yes!” she shouted back, running toward him. When she reached him he hugged him to her.
“Oh, Anne, we were so worried” he stroked her hair over the hood of her coat and tried to warm her hands rubbing them between his own, which were equally frozen. “Let’s go home” he said and turned back. The first thing Anne realised was that Mathew was limping slightly, then she saw that he was having trouble breathing. This wasn’t unusual, he wasn’t young anymore and all the walking in the snow took a toll on everyone. However, Anne started to worry. Marilla didn’t like talking about it but lately Mathew had been getting ill often.
“Are you okay?” she said, looking at him with eyes wide. They stopped under a tree that offered little protection against the snow and the wind but was still better than nothing.
“Yes” he said breathlessly “I just need to catch my breath for a moment” he started panting a little and clutched his arm in pain.
“What’s wrong Mathew?” Anne was starting to worry more and more.
“It’s my heart” he kept clutching his arm and leaned against the tree for support. Anne wrapped her arms around his waist and said:
“Come on were almost to Green Gables, I can see it already” she pointed to a dark spot on the horizon. But Mathew couldn’t take more than a few steps before he had to stop again.
“I can’t, Anne” at a loss of what to do Anne started shouting Marilla’s name in the hopes that she heard them and came to their aid.
“Marilla! Marilla!” she shouted. Then she finally saw a figure emerging from the house and run towards them. It wasn’t Marilla, but the farm boy they had hired when Anne left, Jerry. By the time he reached them Mathew was panting more than before and Anne’s body was tense and tired of holding him up.
“What’s wrong?” the boy said when he saw Mathews ashen face.
“I think he’s having a heart attack, we need to call an ambulance or get to a hospital right now” she was almost shouting, sweating in spite the cold. Jerry called the emergency number but there was no reception.
“It is dangerous to drive with this weather, but we can try” he led them to his car, an old truck filled with tinder in the back. Anne strapped Mathew in and sat in the backseat before remembering something.
“Wait!” she shouted as Jerry got in “I need to tell Marilla where we are going” Jerry looked at Mathew, face serious.
“I’ll take him and you can go when the weather is better” Anne didn’t like the idea of leaving Mathew but she also didn’t like the idea of leaving Marilla. Plus, she was soaked through and frozen.
“Okay” she said hesitant. “Please, drive carefully and call us when you get there” she gave Mathew a kiss on the cheek “You are going to be okay, it’s going to be okay” he grimaced but tried to smile at her.
“Of course, now go get dry” he patted her head and sighed, exhausted. Anne ran back to Green Gables and found Marilla at the door, wringing her hands in agony.
“Jerry is taking him to the hospital, he’ll call when they get there” she said. Marilla nodded and helped her get her coat off and started to run a hot shower. Anne showered quickly, standing under the water only long enough for her limbs to un-freeze and her nose to regain sense. When she got out Marilla was sat at the living room table, looking out of the window.
“No news?” she shook her head and Anne suddenly remembered her phone. She unlocked it and saw a text from Gilbert but ignored it to text Diana, the girl didn’t respond and Anne remembered she had some event to attend with her family, she probably wouldn’t be able to reach her phone for a couple hours at least. She sat with Marilla but was unable to take the silence. The seconds seemed to last hours and with each passing one she grew more and more anxious. She stood up and paced the floor until Marilla quietly asked her to stop, the she fidgeted with her phone between her hands, finally she got up and went to her room. Once there she laid on the bed looking at the ceiling, unchanged since she had first moved into Green Gables. She remembered that first say, when Mathew had picked her up at the station and listened to her talk endlessly the whole journey to the house. This only made her feel worse, tears prickling at her eyes. At a loss for what to do she decided she needed to talk with someone, get distracted, but Diana was unreachable and she hadn’t talked with Ruby or Jane since before going off to Uni, it would be strange to call them now, with this. So, she called the only person who knew her right now aside Diana. Gilbert.
He picked up almost instantly and Anne wondered what he had been doing.
“Am I interrupting?” she said, regretting having called. They’d texted a lot the last few days but not once called each other. It seemed strangely comfortable hearing his voice as he answered
“No, I was just waiting for my cake to finish baking, everything okay?” hearing him ask that made the tears at her eyes fall.
“No” she wasn’t able to fully speak the word, it was a half-whisper, half-sob. When she didn’t say more he asked
“Do you want to talk about it?” there was no pressure in his voice, no curiosity for what was wrong, merely the offer of listening if she wanted to talk.
“I don’t know” Anne took a deep breath and dried her cheeks. Outside her window the snow slowly stopped falling. She told Gilbert about her walk, about getting lost, about Mathew going to get her and the heart attack. He didn’t say much while she talked, just some “yes” and “mm” to confirm he was still there, at the other end of the line. When she was done he said:
“And Jerry hasn’t called yet?” she sighed again.
“No, not yet” he was silent for a second and then:
“I’m sure it will be okay, I’m not a doctor yet but I’m pretty sure the fact that he didn’t faint is a good sign” Anne laughed a little, suddenly remembering Gilbert was a med student.
“Thanks” he laughed back and continued
“I’m serious too, he’ll be okay” Anne had been telling herself that same thing over and over, she had even said it to Mathew and Marilla, but hearing it from Gilbert made her really believe it.
“You know, Mathew was the first person from Avonlea I ever met” and she told him about the day they’d adopted her, about the train station and Marilla’s anger that she wasn’t a boy, he laughed at that, as if he had been there and was remembering a funny anecdote. When she didn’t feel like talking anymore, he took over, telling her stories of his own childhood, when his father was still alive. He told her of the time they went to the movies and both fell asleep, and he told her of his father and his mother, he told her about how he had first wanted to become a doctor when his father fell sick and how he had met Bash working on a cruise ship a few months after his father had died. They weren’t all good stories, which Gilbert was afraid wouldn’t make her feel better, but they still did. They got her mind off her worry for Mathew. Just as Gilbert was finishing telling her about how Bash proposed to Mary the telephone rang downstairs.
“The phone is ringing” she interrupted
“Go get it” he said, without missing a beat.
“I’ll text you later whatever happens” she said and hung up. Rushing down the stairs.
Notes:
When I started writing this I didn't plan for this to happen exactly but as I was writing it felt fitting. If you've read the books I guess you know what's coming and I'm so so sorry.
Chapter 3: unexpected goodbyes
Summary:
“How do you do it? How do you go on with life?” she asked him, looking out her window at the bare tree branches.
“Well, it is difficult at first. It feels impossible” he took a deep breath “but you do because there is no other option. He wouldn’t want you to throw your life away, and as unimaginable as it seems, little by little you start feeling the pain go away” she knew this was hard for him to talk about, the death of his father, the grief that followed, but he didn’t stop and so she didn’t stop him.
Chapter Text
Marilla and Anne rushed into the hospital, their snow-covered shoes leaving a wet trail through the corridors. Jerry had called and said they’d gotten to the hospital alright; that he’d driven as fast as the storm allowed him and now he was in the waiting room. They’d taken Mathew almost directly when he’d said it was a heart attack and he was with a doctor and some nurses somewhere beyond doors they wouldn’t let him through.
By the time Anne and Marilla found him, a doctor had already come out through the doors and was talking with him. When he spotted them he signalled the doctor to wait.
“Are you his family?” the man asked, he looked tired, grey hair and wrinkles around his eyes, his face serious.
“Yes” Anne and Marilla said at the same time.
“How is he?” Marilla pressed.
The man looked at Jerry, then at them.
“He didn’t make it” he said, slowly but without a tremor in his voice.
“What do you mean?” Anne said, either truly not understanding or not wanting to understand. Marilla grabbed the girl’s arm, losing her balance and Jerry helped her sit down “His heart was very frail, and with the cold and exercise… It couldn’t bear it” he went silent for a moment, letting them process the information “we did what we could but it wasn’t enough” he offered an apologetic smile and it was all silent.
Somewhere Anne could hear the faint voices of a television and the beep beep beep of a heart monitor. Suddenly she felt as if she wasn’t in the hospital waiting room anymore, all sound and vision muffled, her head felt light. She was aware of someone helping her sit down but wasn’t sure who it was. She was numb, unaware of what was happening until she felt a tug on her elbow, it was Jerry, holding out her phone.
“Anne, it is Diana, do you want to take it?” She looked at her phone, confused and saw Diana’s image lighting up the screen, the green and red buttons moving up and down. She took the phone and answered the call.
As soon as she heard Diana say “Anne, is everything okay?” the tears started pouring down her face.
She couldn’t speak, each time she opened her mouth the only thing that came out was an ugly sob or a wail or nothing at all, her lips were wet with tears and her vision blurry. Without knowing exactly where to go she did her best to leave the waiting room and found herself out in the parking lot. The freezing air made her face instantly go cold. Diana stayed silent as Anne tried her best to speak, only saying sometimes “oh Anne, I’m so sorry”.
It was dark now, Anne didn’t know what hour it was, and she was only slightly aware of an ambulance as it came into the parking lot from time to time and Diana’s voice in her ear telling her she was coming to get her. She refused, Jerry could take them home, and she didn’t want to leave that room. Some part of her hoping it was all a mistake, that the doctor had got the wrong family, that any moment now Marilla would come looking for her, Mathew at her side. Diana told her she needed to eat something, Marilla too, that they needed to get home and rest, but Anne didn’t listen.
Finally, her friend asked her to put Jerry on the phone and Anne accepted, if only because she didn’t feel like talking anymore. She went back inside, her cheeks red from the cold and her eyes red from the crying, gave her phone to Jerry and sat down besides Marilla. The woman looked a lot older than she had just that morning when they’d had breakfast. She wasn’t crying, Anne knew her well enough to know Marilla never cried, but her eyes showed something beyond sadness, more like sorrow.
Without saying anything Anne wrapped her arms around her, crying again, and felt Marilla let out a sob as she returned the hug. They sat there, arms around each other, silently crying, until Jerry came back and said “I’m taking you home” Anne left Marilla’s embrace and looked at him, wiping her eyes with her sleeve.
“The doctor said we can come back for him tomorrow” Anne grimaced at the words, but Jerry had said them softly, sadly, aware that it wasn’t nice to hear them. He took them to the truck, and they sat in silence the whole drive home, not even the radio playing. Anne looked at the moon and thought of the countless nights she’d spent looking at it, and how no matter how bad she’d felt in any of them, nothing could ever top what she was feeling now. When they got to Green Gables Anne was numb again, she was barely aware of Diana there, hugging them, telling Marilla how sorry she was. Then Marilla went to bed and Anne did too, only neither of them slept. From her room Anne heard Diana and Jerry speaking softly and then the door open and close, she saw Jerry’s truck leave but not Diana’s car. Too tired to keep her eyes open she finally fell into a fitful sleep that provided her no rest.
The days following Mathew’s death were dark and gloomy. Diana stayed at Green Gables, only leaving from time to time to change clothes and get food, it was her and Jerry that took care of the paperwork. When they asked Anne and Marilla if they wanted him to be buried or incinerated Marilla had answered straight away.
“Incinerated, he wanted his ashes to be spread here, at Green Gables” and then with a hint of the normal Marilla “and I don’t want to have his body rotting under some slate next to strangers” Rachel also came around. If Diana wasn’t there Rachel was, making them plate after plate of warm food. Not like it tasted of anything to Anne, but she appreciated the efforts. Gilbert sent her a lot of messages, and called too. She couldn’t bring herself to answer them, unable to think about uttering the words aloud again “Mathew is dead” she had only said them once, to Diana, and she didn’t want to say them ever again.
Christmas day came and for once since Mathew’s death Anne and Marilla were alone at Green Gables, the urn with Mathew’s ashes stood atop the living room table, where Jerry had left it a day ago. When Anne left her room in the morning Marilla had already had breakfast, but Anne saw there was a present under the tree. There were two, in fact, and she remembered her own presents, still in her luggage in her room. She went up and took them out, the wrapping was a bit rumpled but mostly untouched. She put them under the tree and had breakfast, when Marilla returned from fetching the eggs, they opened them.
Anne couldn’t help tearing up at Mathews present for her, a feather quill and inkwell “Happy Christmas Anne” the card read in Mathews shaky script. Marilla had gotten a string for her glasses to hang around her neck, since she had started wearing them she forgot them everywhere and Mathew found them in the strangest places: the laundry basket, the chicken pen, one time he had found them in the fireplace, next to the pinecones.
Anne and Marilla cried for a moment together, remembering that silent man that still noticed everything, that knew them almost better than they knew themselves. Then Marilla said they should open the ones they had gotten him. Anne was reticent at first but in the end, she gave in. Marilla had bought him a pair of new gloves, his old ones worn and dirty, barely practical anymore. And Anne had gotten him a new pair of boots and a handmade scarf. They laughed at the fact that he was so difficult to buy gifts for.
“But he would have loved these” Anne said as Marilla hugged her “because they came from us” the woman nodded in agreement and opened Anne’s gift for her, a blank notebook for her to write down her recipes and Anne opened Marilla’s gift for her, a special edition of Pride and Prejudice.
They spent the rest of the afternoon reading and knitting, from time to time Anne caught herself looking over at the urn on the table and wondered if there was a heaven, if Mathew was in it, looking down at them, and what would he be thinking. He’d probably be sad that we were sad about him, Marilla said when Anne asked her. Anne nodded, that sounded very much like him. After dinner Anne finally called Gilbert.
He had already figured out what had happened, if everything was okay Anne would have answered his texts.
“How do you do it? How do you go on with life?” she asked him, looking out her window at the bare tree branches.
“Well, it is difficult at first. It feels impossible” he took a deep breath “but you do because there is no other option. He wouldn’t want you to throw your life away, and as unimaginable as it seems, little by little you start feeling the pain go away” she knew this was hard for him to talk about, the death of his father, the grief that followed, but he didn’t stop and so she didn’t stop him.
“When my father first died I thought I had died too, only for some reason my body hadn’t, just the rest of me had. I didn’t want to eat, I couldn’t sleep, there was nothing for me to life for” he took a deep breath “but there was, I didn’t see that until I had been working at the cruise ship for a while. There is beauty in the world, as much as there is pain and suffering, and the beauty makes the pain and suffering a bit more bearable” Anne thought about a small Gilbert, a few years younger, losing his father, working in a ship, meeting Bash, she couldn’t imagine Gilberts eyes without the shine he always had in them, his face without its light.
“Thank you” she whispered when he went silent “truly, thank you for understanding” he didn’t say anything for a moment and Anne would have thought the call had ended if not for his breathing coming through the speaker.
“You don’t have to thank me” he paused “I only want you to be okay, Carrots” the sentence was serious, but she could hear a smile in his voice when he said the last word.
She smiled too “Okay, smarty pants” she said back jokingly.
They went back to talking, about Bash and Mary, about Christmas presents and school, about a book Gilbert had been reading. For the first time since the day she went for the walk Anne didn’t feel so heavy, her heart seemed to pick up its beat a little and she forgot about sadness for a second.
The days went by slowly, Anne didn’t do anything much other than eat, sleep and cry. She felt bad seeing Marilla take care of the house and continue fretting over her, but ultimately, she couldn’t bring herself to do anything else. New Year’s Eve was bittersweet, both Anne and Marilla toasted in near silence and went to bed as soon as the clock struck twelve. Just before getting into bed Anne sent a “happy new year” text to Gilbert and Diana. On New Year’s Day she spent the morning trying to read and not think about the fact that in two days she had to go back to the city, back to school.
She was grateful she had booked her train ticket with Diana, if it wasn’t for her friend going with her Anne would not have been able to go to the station. The train ride she listened to Diana tell her about her family, some funny thing her sister had said or something infuriating her mother had done. She did her best to truly listen, to engage in the conversation, but her mind kept drifting back to Green Gables, to Marilla sat alone on the porch.
“She won’t be completely alone” Diana had said “Jerry and Rachel will take care of her, and you’ll be back in a couple of months” they had agreed to spread Mathews ashes at the beginning of spring, when the snow wouldn’t water them down, until then they’d remain on the living room table.
At this very moment Anne wasn’t feeling like a good friend or a good daughter, she just wanted to crawl into bed, under the covers, forget the world and have the world forget her. However, Diana wasn’t having any of it. When the term started again, she made sure Anne got up, dressed and had breakfast and in the afternoons, she made sure Anne didn’t go straight to bed after class. They watched TV Shows together, played scrabble, anything rather than have Anne be alone in her room all day.
Little by little Anne did feel better and she promised Diana she could stop mothering her. One day, around March, Anne got the date of her first test and decided to go to the library. It felt weird, she hadn’t stepped a foot in that place since long before everything happened, she felt like a completely different person to the one that had last gone there. But as much as she felt different things at the library hadn’t changed, not even Gilbert who was sat at his usual spot, next to hers, his eyes focused on some textbook in front of him, brow furrowed on concentration, lips slightly pursed. Anne saw the brown curl that always stood up and something in her chest eased a little, as if she could breathe deeper now. She walked over and sat down next to him, on the seat that looked out to the window.
“So nice of you to save me a seat” she whispered as she took out her books. He snapped out of his concentration, looked over at her and smiled. The smile, the one that showed his dimples, made Anne’s heart skip a beat and she blushed a little, then cursed herself for blushing at such a small gesture.
“Glad you are here to take it” he whispered back, in a soft tone.
She grinned and he went back to her book. Anne was glad to have school to focus on, that way her mind didn’t wander to the sad place it did whenever she had free time, and so she spent a lot more time studying that she truly needed. Gilbert was there most of the time, but some days he wasn’t, not needing that much study time or busy with other things. Slowly the days passed, and April came around, when Easter break came Anne knew there was no more delaying it, she had to go back to Green Gables.
They were sat on a bench in the garden, it was still a bit cold but not so much one couldn’t sit down at the bench in the sun. They were in silence, Gilbert eating an apple and Anne just staring at a bird on a branch of the tree in front of them.
“I’m going back, for Easter” she didn’t say, to spread his ashes, to say goodbye, but Gilbert knew. They had talked about it a couple times more, once when he was worried she wasn’t taking care of herself, working too much, and another when she couldn’t bring herself to get out of bed one morning and she had called him crying.
“You’ll feel better. Once it is done” she looked at him, but he was staring off into the distance “you get some closure” he finished.
His face was darker, making him seem older. Anne didn’t think about it and just wrapped her arms around him, burrowing her face on the crook of his neck. He hugged her back and they stood like that for a moment, until Gilbert made a sound and said “my arm is going numb” Anne laughed and let go of him.
Marilla had hired Jerrys brother to work on the farm, which had made Anne worry about money again, but the woman assured her it was no problem. Anne knew what Marilla was doing, she didn’t want her to worry, but Anne worried anyways. When she got to the train station, Jerry was there to pick her up. They rode in silence until he said
“It is weird” he sighed “to work on the farm, without him” his face was concentrated on the road but Anne noticed a pang of pain in voice “I know I wasn’t that close to you when we were growing up, and they only hired me officially when you went to Uni, but I spent a lot of hours with him when we were working” Anne nodded, it is true she hadn’t known Jerry much when she lived at Green Gables but he seemed a very nice guy, he had done more for her and Marilla than Anne could ever repay him for.
“Do you mind if I’m there? When you do it?” Anne looked at him, surprised but touched.
“Of course, you can be there, Jerry!” the boy nodded, and the conversation ended.
The ceremony was short but sweet. Anne insisted to say a few words, she talked about when they first met, about the time he bought her that dress as a surprise, about when he drove her to the city to help her move her things. She talked too of how he didn’t speak many words with his mouth but his eyes told you everything you needed, how he payed so much more attention than it seemed and about how without him she wouldn’t be the person she was today.
Marilla opened the urn and the three of them together moved through the trees, around the perimeter of Green Gables, spreading the ashes as if they were seeds that would grow over the spring. The day was sunny and not too cold, the birds chirped joyfully, and the wind rustled the light green leaves that had started to grow on the trees. Anne wouldn’t have imagined it to be fitting, such a nice day, for such a sad thing. But then she realised that she wouldn’t have liked it if it had been grey and foggy, that would have made it seem even sadder, as if there was nothing good waiting beyond the grief and the sadness. The birds and the sun and the green made her think of good things instead, spring and summer days spent feeling grateful and full of light, memories of laughs and contentment. It also made her think of Gilberts words, she did feel better, hopeful that even if she was sad now, she wouldn’t be forever.
Notes:
If you've actually read it until the end you deserve a medal, honestly, even I had trouble reading until the end when I reread it.
I know I took some liberties with this (specially the ashes thing, I'm pretty sure book Marilla wouldn't have agreed) but it felt right writing it that way and I hope that as sad as this chapter is you liked it.
Next chapter is the last chapter and also a bit shorter I hope.
Chapter 4: the end
Notes:
Sorry I took so long to upload this, life got a bit in the way. But it is finally here, so, enjoy!
Warning: I went full fluff with this last chapter so it is VERY sweet, but isn't that why we are all here?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
As spring came into full bloom Anne regained her footing. She got a job at a café nearby the school and relaxed on the studying. Diana spent a lot of time at the café, sometimes bringing her boyfriend, Fred, Gilbert started showing up to, with his books and homework.
“Apparently I can’t seem to do as well when I study alone as when I study with you” he said one day as he waited for her to wipe down some tables and close shop.
“But I’m not studying when you are here” she laughed.
“Unimportant” he answered, helping her tuck away tables and chairs. They didn’t see each other when they were in class, their buildings not even closeby in campus, but whenever they got a chance to meet up either at school or outside, they did. Diana teased Anne endlessly that they were basically dating.
“We are not. We hang out as friends. I hang out with you and people don’t say we are dating” Anne answered back one night over dinner.
“That’s because of our heteronormative society, and beside the point” Diana had answered back, relentless to make her friend see how much of a crush she had on the boy. Of course, Anne had a crush on Gilbert, anyone would be blind not to see that, but she was intent on denying it as long as she could. She was certain that as much as she might like him, he absolutely did not like her back, so ignoring her feeling for him and hoping they just went away would hurt way less than being rejected and ruining their friendship.
Some days she was almost sure he did like her. He would get dry leaves out of her hair after a walk in the park and his hand would linger just a smidge too long in her hair, or he would come into the café even when he didn’t have homework and sit there, reading until her shift ended. One day at the library she caught him staring at her as she studied, he had tried to play it off as if he had been looking out the window but blushed a deep red. The thing was that this only confused her further. What happened if he did like her back? Should she say something? “Make a move” as Diana said? Or should she wait for him to make a move? That seemed too old-fashioned for her, but she also didn’t want to mess things up. There was a big chance she was reading too much into it, too many Jane Austen novels read as a young teen making her view on reality morphed, and she did not want to lose Gilbert, even if that meant only having him as a friend.
She was so caught up in her own thoughts and worries that she didn’t realise Gilbert was speaking to her.
“Wait, what?” he looked flustered, a little out of breath as if he hadn’t been breathing while he talked “I’m sorry, I spaced out for a second” she could see the disappointment in his eyes as she said it.
“No, don’t worry, forget about it” he waved his hand “how was your day?” they were walking to the bookshop, on their way to get the latest release of the book series they had been buddy reading.
“No, really, what were you saying?” she insisted. She felt like it had been important if he was so disappointed at her not paying attention.
“It’s just… I don’t want to mess it up” he blurted out, looking uncomfortable.
“Mess what up?” Anne wasn’t sure she knew what he was talking about.
“This” he stopped in the middle of the street and moved his hand between them. They were almost at the bookshop. Anne didn’t get what he meant at first, but then realisation hit.
“This” she echoed slowly. He looked sad or confused or tired, Anne wasn’t sure, she had almost never seen Gilbert like this. His brows were low over his eyes and his mouth turned into a thin line, no dimples in sight. “Why would you mess this up?” Anne asked tentatively. There wasn’t many people on the street but they were clearly in the way of those walking by so Gilbert instead of answering her question said
“Let’s go sit somewhere else” The only nearby place they could find was a bench at the end of the street, still very public but no longer in people’s way.
“I think you know what I’m talking about” Gilbert said, not looking at her.
“I’ll have you know” she was getting angry at so much beating around the bush “that I am afraid of messing it up too” he did look at her then, surprised, as if caught off guard.
“You are?” she couldn’t stay mad at him if he spoke like that, soft and like he couldn’t believe what she was telling him.
Anne nodded and continued “I didn’t think you” she blushed, not being able to say it aloud since she hadn’t even admitted it to herself in silence “you would like me, like that.” if it was possible for Gilbert to look surprised, angry and extremely happy all at the same time that is how he looked when she spoke those words.
“Not like you like that?” he let out a breath between a scoff and a laugh and Anne’s heart did a weird tug “I’ve liked you *like that* since the day we first met. It was clear as the sky is blue, Anne” he seemed to be angry when he said the last part, which made her be angry again
“Well, I’m sorry I’m not in your mind Gilbert” she spat out, almost getting up and leaving. He sighed and said
“I didn’t know you liked me like that” when she looked back at him he said “I’m still not sure, you don’t seem very fond of me right now by the look on your face” she didn’t know what face she was making but it quickly turned into a self-conscious blush.
“If you must know then, I do. Like you like that” she held her head high and dignified, as if she was winning an argument by saying it aloud. His shoulders relaxed and the movement made Anne realize how close they were sitting on the bench, she started to move away but Gilbert put a hand to her cheek and drew her in, pressing his lips to hers. At first Anne was surprised, caught unawares by Gilberts embrace but then his lips moved slightly and she felt her own moving too, her hands went to his hair and the back of his neck and he cupped her other cheek with his free hand.
Although Anne wouldn’t admit it, she had found herself wondering what Gilberts lips against her own would feel like more than once, twice or three times. Whatever her imagination had conjured up was nowhere near what she was feeling now. Her stomach was all twisted up as if she had just gotten off a rollercoaster and her skin felt too hot for her sweater. When he stopped and drew away from her, she left out a frustrated sigh and kept her eyes close for a fraction of a second before realizing he wasn’t kissing her again. She opened them; brow furrowed in confusion but then the look on his face made her expression soften. He was smiling, his dimple deep and his eyes shining in a way that reminded Anne of a cartoon character.
“I like you like that too Carrots” he whispered. This time instead of getting angry at his nickname for her she went back for another kiss.
xxx
All of a sudden Anne forgot what it was to not be kissing Gilbert. Focusing on schoolwork was nearly impossible if he was sat next to her at the library and she made him promise to keep a distance while she was at work or she would get fired. Anne didn’t even need to tell Diana what had happened, the moment she stepped into the flat that night Diana could tell something has changed and was beyond ecstatic at the development of events. She made her recount the whole thing, leaving no detail out, and promptly spent the next hour saying “I knew it, I knew it!” until Anne told her to shut up and went into her room.
Life went on, it was a bit easier for Anne to see it doing so, to not feel defeated by every little thing. Gilbert helped a lot, Diana and Jerry did too. Marilla and Anne helped each other. It wasn’t always easy, going forward. There were days when Anne was paralyzed by fear and grief, by thinking that Mathew would never see her at her graduation, that he would never laugh with Gilbert over Saturday night dinner, but then some other days were so good and she felt so happy that it was as if the bad parts were worth it, just to have her heart swell up that big inside her chest, if only for a moment. She was sad to not have Mathew there, she probably would always be, but she was also extremely grateful for the people she did have there.
xxx
Sometime later, not that year, but afterwards Anne and Gilbert were lying in bed, Anne’s head in the crook of Gilberts arm, watching his chest rise and fall slowly, drifting away into sleep.
She was almost asleep when she heard him say “I almost didn’t tell you” his voice was soft, barely a whisper.
“Mmm” Anne managed back, fighting her drooping eyelids.
“I thought it was better to have you just as a friend than to not have you at all. But it was so difficult to fight, I saw you everywhere, in everything, it was like you’d taken roots in my mind. When you went home for Christmas, I told myself it was early enough to try and forget about it, that it was just a crush, that I needed to focus on my studies. Bash teased me endlessly for talking with you so much, he said it was like my phone was glued to my hand” he let out a laugh and Anne did too, remembering herself doing the same “And then you were so sad and grieving over Mathew” he combed his hand through her hair, taking a deep breath “It didn’t feel right, telling you about my feelings like that that while you were feeling so sad. The last thing I wanted was to make you feel worse. I wanted to see you back being happy and joyful. So, I told myself it would be better to put some distance. But when I went to the library, it felt wrong, like without you the place was something else, worse.” He moved so he could look her in the eye, she was fully awake now, tears in her eyes.
“I just hope I never lose you. I hope this never ends. I don’t know what I would be if you weren’t by my side” he was looking at her in a way she’d never seen him do before, it was intense and focused, like there was nothing else in the world to look at.
“You will never lose me.” She said, sniffing and wiping away a stray tear “never.”
Notes:
Thank you thank you thank you for reading my little fic. I sincerly hope you enjoyed reading it, and even if it isn't the best thing out there I'll be happy knowing it made you feel something (even a little bit).
With that said, props to those who got the Taylor Swift reference at the very end (I blame that whole last part on listening to Lover on repeat while I wrote this).
DS_ds on Chapter 1 Mon 25 May 2020 06:34PM UTC
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