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barely awake, i let precious time go by
It’s quiet as Rachel takes silent steps through the halls of the hospital, and logically it is far too late for her to be here (it certainly should be outside of visitor hours, but when your daddy works at the hospital, they can be a little more lenient), but she keeps walking. Her hands twist together, and she pauses just outside the door. Right beside it is a little marker, cutely decorated with bees and flowers.
L. Fabray & Baby Beth
314
Rachel traces the sign, a faint smile on her lips. The L confuses her, but Fabray and Baby can’t be anyone other than Quinn. Her stomach flips a few times and her hand falls away. It’s late, but Rachel was only just now available to stop by. Her feet ached, and she still had her makeup and hair done from the performance, but she had to see them. Because a good captain supports her teammates, Rachel tells herself, even though the nervous fluttering in her stomach as she hesitates to even put her hand on the door says otherwise. It takes another moment and Rachel taking a deep breath for her to finally push the door open, making sure to not make too much noise. She keeps her hands on the door as she guides it to close. When she turns to face the main part of the room, her nerves are calmed by the sight of the lamp being on.
Her hands twist together as she takes small, calculated steps from the small entryway to the room, and she pauses at the corner. Rachel’s eyes widen, and she needs a moment to take in the sight before her. Eventually, she relaxes and a small smile makes its way to her face. For once, Rachel Berry says nothing.
Quinn’s holding Beth carefully, like she’s afraid she might break, and her gown is open so she can breastfeed Beth. Rachel leans against the wall, not wanting to break the personal moment between the two. She’s so caught up in the moment that it takes a minute for her to process the quiet, soft way in which Quinn is singing to Beth. It’s quiet; Rachel wouldn’t have noticed it if the hospital itself wasn’t silent and she didn’t have years of training.
“ Sleep in our eyes, her and me at the breakfast table. Barely awake, I let precious time go by.”
Quinn sings with a gentle touch to Beth’s arm—a rubbing motion from her thumb. Her attention is purely on her daughter, and Rachel’s certain Beth’s eyes are starting to close.
“ Then when she's gone there's that odd melancholy feeling, and a sense of guilt I can't deny .”
Rachel watches as Quinn moves her hand, letting Beth gently hold on to her finger. Tears slowly pull in the diva’s eyes, and she has to close them when Quinn’s voice tightens with emotion.
“ What happened to the wonderful adventures; the places I had planned for us to go. Well, some of that we did but most we didn't, and why I just don't know .”
A small smile forms on Quinn’s face as she lets Beth’s fingers curl and uncurl around her own, and Rachel’s heart thuds in her chest. She knows she should leave, but her body doesn’t move, too focused on the mother and daughter.
“ Slipping through my fingers all the time. I try to capture every minute, the feeling in it. Slipping through my fingers all the time .”
Beth fusses, pulling her face away, and Quinn carefully lifts her up and hugs her close, rubbing and tapping her back soothingly. Rachel looks away, cheeks flushing red from the slight glimpse she caught when Quinn moved Beth. Quinn keeps singing though, and Rachel wonders if her presence is at all obvious to her. She looks back, and Quinn’s eyes are closed, tears slipping down her cheeks, and her head is resting against Beth’s.
“ Do I really see what's in her mind? Each time I think I'm close to knowing, she keeps on growing. Slipping through my fingers all the time. ”
It clicks for Rachel. The song isn’t just for comfort. It’s… a goodbye . Quinn’s goodbye to her daughter. Rachel’s heart clenched, and when Quinn releases a soft sob, she moves closer. Her feet carry her to the chair next to the bed, and she sits, settling her hand on Quinn’s leg. Teary hazel eyes flutter open and meet hers, confusion written all over them, and Rachel just offers a smile.
“ Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture.”
Rachel sings, coaxing Quinn into finishing the song, and Quinn lets out a watery laugh as she joins in with Rachel. Her hands still rub Beth’s back, though they’re less focused on burping at this point.
“ And save it from the funny tricks of time. Slipping through my fingers…”
Quinn sniffles and gently wipes her cheek. She takes a deep breath, presses a kiss to Beth’s head, and finishes as quietly as she started.
“ Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning, waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile .”
Quinn settles Beth back into her arms, and Rachel finally sees her. She looks so much like her, and when Beth focuses on her, Rachel nearly cries. She manages not to, and she looks at Quinn in awe.
“She looks like you.”
“That’s what everyone says,” Quinn says quietly with a small smile. She shivers, and her cheeks go pink. “Rachel… do you want to hold her?”
The words are mumbles, but Rachel hears them and her eyes widen. “You—you want me to hold her?” Quinn nods, and Rachel moves to sit on the bed. She carefully takes Beth into her arms and immediately coos when she attempts to kick her legs. She smiles, tracing her little nose and laughing when Beth smiles and giggles. Quinn shifts on the bed, and Rachel looks towards her at the movement
Only to immediately blush and look back at Beth because she’s fixing her gown, and it’s a little too much for Rachel at the moment. Quinn clears her throat, and Rachel feels a little better at the blush that is also on her cheeks. At least she isn’t the only one embarrassed by the situation.
“So… you’re giving her up?”
Rachel asks it slowly, carefully as if fearing a blow up. Instead, Quinn sighs softly and nods. Her hands twist together, and Rachel gives her a moment to gather her words, opting to let Beth hold her finger like Quinn had done.
“It’s the best option,” Quinn finally says. “I… I can’t care for her by myself. I can’t possibly trust Puck with her, even though I know he’s hoping I’ll keep her.” Rachel frowns, carefully moving so she can face Quinn without jostling Beth.
“Your mom would help out,” she says, and Rachel looks at Beth with a smile. “I would, too. And Mercedes. You’ve been living with her, right?”
The smile on Quinn’s face doesn’t stay, and Rachel wonders for a moment if it was even there or if she said something wrong.
“My mom didn’t even really care for me.”
It’s quiet, so quiet, and Rachel feels her heart splinter. Her hand reaches out and gently rests on Quinn’s, causing her to look up at Rachel. Rachel smiles when she feels Quinn turn her hand and hold on to her own. She squeezes it, and the smile that appears on Quinn’s face warms her heart.
“I think she wants to change, for what it’s worth.” Rachel looks away, her cheeks flushing. “I don’t know what your home life was like before, but I overheard your mom say something about a nursery. She’s willing to try, so no matter what you choose, you’ll have support.”
Quinn studies Rachel for a while, and she shifts uncomfortably under the blonde’s gaze. Rachel opts to look at Beth, pleasantly surprised to find the newborn happily asleep in her arms.
“Thank you,” Quinn finally says, and Rachel looks at her curiously. “For coming and talking with me. I just want to do what’s best for her and… you’ve turned out so well even though your mom gave you up.” Rachel winces, but she makes eye contact with Quinn again when she gently pulls on her hand. “I understand it might be a difficult subject. I’m sorry for bringing it up. I’m just still so unsure about what to do with Beth. She’s so perfect and small, and I don’t want to ruin her. But I also don’t think I can risk losing her.”
Rachel smiles and shakes her head. “If you keep growing like you have this past year, Quinn, you won’t ruin her. Noah, I’m more concerned about, but I think you’ll make a wonderful mom if you keep her. I also wouldn’t mind having another person to entertain…” Quinn laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound Rachel’s ever heard. She smiles wider and pulls her hand away from Quinn’s so she can adjust Beth’s blanket and hand her back to her mother. Quinn takes her, inhaling sharply, and once again her gaze is on her daughter and her daughter only. Her smile, Rachel notices, is softer, almost lighter, and her stomach flips.
Somehow, she just knows she’s helped Quinn make her decision.
Rachel stands and fixes her skirt. She turns to leave, content to leave mother and daughter together to rest, when a hand gently grasps her wrist. When she turns, Rachel finds Quinn staring at her with a soft, pleading expression.
“If… If I keep her, you promise you’ll help and stick around?”
“I promise.”
It comforts Quinn, causing her to sigh and get a tired, soft smile.
“I’ll get going. You need rest.” Rachel smiles at Quinn, and without thinking, she leans and presses a gentle kiss to her forehead. “I’m happy for you.”
It surprises her once she realizes what she did, but Quinn says nothing of it, so neither does Rachel, and she picks up her bag again. Her steps are unrushed as she hums to herself and approaches the door. It’s quiet, and Rachel wonders whether or not Quinn’s already fallen asleep.
But then there’s a soft voice, Quinn’s, calling out, “Rachel.”
Rachel turns, eyebrows furrowed. Her hands clasp her bag’s strap as she tilts her head, humming in acknowledgment. Quinn bites her lips, fingers worrying the fabric of Beth’s blanket.
“Will you… I just… Stay?”
It’s quiet. Lost, and Rachel is helpless to deny it. So, she nods, and the way Quinn’s face lights up confirms it was the right choice.
“Let me get this makeup off, and I’m all yours,” Rachel says as she sets her bag in the chair and pulls out some wipes. Quinn smiles at her again, all sleepy, and Rachel briefly considers that she could get used to this.
She pushes away the thought, knowing it most definitely doesn’t come from a platonic place, and quickly makes her way to the bathroom before her heart beats out of her chest. Rachel leans against the bathroom door with a sigh.
Then, she smiles. And squeals with a newfound joy. Quinn wants her to stay and help with Beth. It’s all so different from where they first started, and Rachel’s smile widens when she realizes they’re… friends .
Her makeup is removed with a hum and a few of the wipes, and Rachel practically skips into the main room. She halts the skipping when she sees Quinn, however, and she smiles at how quickly the blonde fell into a light slumber. Rachel returns the wipes to her bag and sets it on the floor so she can settle into the chair. As carefully as she can, Rachel takes Beth out of Quinn’s arms and sets her in the little bed the hospital has for her. She lets her hand linger on Beth’s chest, in awe at the little breaths she takes as she sleeps.
Quinn grumbles, and Rachel turns her head to watch as she rubs her eyes and sighs. Rachel laughs softly and settles into the chair once again.
“You can sleep, you know,” Rachel says quietly. Quinn pouts and shakes her head, which causes Rachel to giggle, and Rachel’s giggle causes Quinn to pout more.
“I’d be a bad host if I fell asleep on you,” Quinn explains, her voice heavy with sleep. Rachel shakes her head and slides the chair closer.
“You’re tired. It’s already late. If it makes you feel better, I’ll stay and sleep, too. I could use it after today.” Quinn settles her head on her pillows, eyes focused on Rachel, and she hums softly.
“I heard we lost.”
“We did,” Rachel sighs. “But it’s okay. At least one good thing came out of today.” She pauses and smiles. “Or, well, two.”
Quinn laughs and quirks her eyebrow. “Two?”
“Beth, and our friendship.”
They look at each other for a moment, a soft smile on each of their faces, and Quinn eventually nods and lets her eyes fall close.
“I think those are two very good things,” she mumbles. “Now, sleep, Berry. Labor is very exhausting, and I can’t promise I’ll be very pleasant tomorrow if I’m tired and grumpy.”
Rachel giggles again, and Quinn opens one eye to look at her. There’s a smile on her face though, and Rachel just rests her head on the back of her chair, more than open to sleep herself.
“I think you’d make a cute grump.”
“I’m glad you think so, because when Beth won’t let me sleep, you’ll have to deal with that.”
They giggle once again, and it falls silent, only the soft sound of Beth’s deep breaths present. Rachel’s eyes fall heavy, and right before they close, she whispers,
“I can’t wait.”