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The same chilling nightmare wakes me up as always.
I’m running, my muscles are sore and heavy, like I’ve been at it for hours. Sweat is dripping down from my face and mixes with the pouring rain. Though my claws dig into the ground as much as they can to find levarage against the slippery surface, I stumble on the wet cobblestone eventually and fall on my chest. It knocks the wind out of me heavily.
As I turn around my hunter is already towering above me, barely ten feet away. Green eyes narrow in a cruel smile. He raises his hand, fingers resembling dark spikes that are ready to end my life. They ache for it, I can feel it in my bones. Five feet. This is it. He’s going to get me this time.
Then in a flash of light, there is a tall, blonde figure in front of me, completely blocking out the nightmare I was facing a moment ago. Her aura is overwhelming. Warm. Reassuring. It doesn’t let my fear have any space in my chest, as it’s instantly replaced by a feeling so powerful it makes it hard to breathe. A feeling I never thought was possible to experience so intensely. A freeing feeling. Love.
"You’re safe," the wind carries the blonde’s voice over her shoulder. "You can wake up now. It’s okay."
"No," I hear his voice, even though his form is still out of my view. "You’ll never be safe. You will never be free. There is a darkness in your soul, one that you can never be free of. You’re weak. Rotten from the inside. And you. Are worth. Nothing."
The word echoes loudly and makes everything stop. The falling rain disappears instantly. The silence almost makes my ear pop. But worse than that there is a pang in my chest that feels like a black hole.
The blonde turns around, gets down in front of me. I’m still shakily kneeling on the ground, unable to look at her. My eyes dart behind her to find the source of the devilish voice, my tormentor - but there is nothing behind her. She lowers her head slowly, forehead touching mine and now I see, because my gaze is forced to hers, that her eyes are closed. "How many times do I need to tell you that, Catra. You are not weak or rotten. You are worth everything to me."
My throat tighten and I can’t respond to that. I know she means it. But I’m having trouble accepting it.
"…-m sorry," is all I can muster out.
A red light, eerily resembling the portal I once willingly opened, fires up behind the blonde. It's brighter than what my eyes can bare, turning both Adora and Horde Prime into dust, covering my blinded body with burning fragments of them. I scream, but there’s no sound escaping my mouth.
I want to reach out to touch her again, but instead pain twitches to my left side and I roll over.
Thud.
My body hits the fuzzy, cold carpet on the floor. The same dark room welcomes me back to consciousness that I had fallen asleep in. I sit up and cautiously glance over to the other side of the double bed where the motionless dark figure lays. I smile weakly.
Adora is sound asleep, stretched out on the big surface of the bed like a frog.
We’ve been at Brightmoon for over a week now. What started as a quick refill of our supplies before heading out to the wide universe to bring magic back, turned into a pause that we all realized we desperately needed almost instantly. Nobody complained when Sparkles said she had official queen business to handle before we head out again. We all needed a little peace. Some sanity after all we’ve been through. It felt nice. Not that I would ever say it out loud.
We’ve been sleeping in the same bed ever since the first night, but it hasn’t been like it was back in the Fright Zone. Back then I’d just curl up at the end of Adora’s cot and facing the door to be ready to jump at anything that would threaten her. Here, it’s different.
She pulled me into an embrace first thing when we settled on the bed that night and didn’t let go of the hug all night. She made no big deal out of it, and I was not about to, either. I craved that physical contact now that I was actually getting it more than I was willing to admit. We’d spend the days doing whatever we felt like, and would find our way back every evening to each other’s arms in our bed.
As much as I enjoyed our kisses during the day, I would be lying if I said that the nights just before sleep, spent in that warm embrace were not my favorite things in the entire word.
It took her four nights to let go of me during nighttime, and I have the feeling she would have kept it up were it not for her now probably sore muscles. But, boy, does she sleep wilder than she used to before. I’m supposed to act cat-like, and yet she’s all over the place, stretched out like now, leaving me little space to have for my own; sometimes on me, which stirs another set of emotions in my belly. Adora has always been a wild sleeper, I knew that. I just never realized how much I’d missed it.
I crawl slowly back to my spot, as stealthily as I can as to not wake her up. She doesn’t wake up but instantly latches onto me. But it’s a different kind than what she usually does. It’s more urgent. Almost… frightened.
I gently stroke her hand that’s now clutching my pajama shirt, trying to steal a look of her face, even though it’s pressed tightly to my chest. Her eyebrows are narrowed. She’s breathing heavily.
Nightmares.
Adora has not had many, but I could always tell when she did in the morning. It was stupid that she was trying to keep having them a secret from me, but then again, I never told her about mines either. We’re too stubborn for our own good, I have to admit.
I hate seeing her like this. She’s already fought too much in her life and she barely even lived yet. I want that nightmare gone.
"We feel the evil coming. And shadows all around," I start to hum, my voice is barely more than a whisper. Maneuvering my hand around her gently I hold her closer to my chest. "Danger surrounds us, but won’t bring us down."
My voice becomes a little stronger as I can feel her breathing even out to my quiet singing. "We’re on the edge of greatness, turning darkness-" I stroke her hair gently, "-to light." I pause for a second and hum, "You’re my light."
A long moment passes and to my surprise her eyes blink open, searching mine with that goddamn soul-warming expression all over them. Shit, I didn’t mean to wake her.
"That’s not how the lullaby goes," she whispers, giving me a gentle squeeze and pressing a peck to my chin. This still makes me so ridiculously happy, and I’m having trouble processing.
"You’re awake," I say and instantly regret it. Duh. Of course she is, you woke her up, dumb face. I clear my throat, "You had a nightmare."
Adora looks at me curiously for a second and the hand that was clutching my chest a few minutes ago is now moving up to my short hair to stroke it. "It was nothing. Just the usual."
"What does that mean?" I ask, maybe a little more vehement than I intend to. "Did you have this nightmare before?" I try again, calmer this time.
Adora nods. She seems uncomfortable but lets out a sigh and turns on her back, still glued to my side, staring at the ceiling as she speaks. "It’s the same every time I have a dream. I break the sword. She-ra is gone. And she never comes back. I see everyone I love fall." She shudders. I pull her a little closer to me. "It doesn’t matter. It never happened. She-ra is here," she touches her chest with her hand, ”and you are here," she moves the hand to my chest, and gently presses it above my heart. "All is well, and we fought too hard for it to let it poison our happy ending."
"Ending, huh?" I huff, glad that she doesn’t need me to do a pep talk about the dreams. I'm sure I would suck at giving it. But with that relief comes guilt, too.
"I know, it doesn’t feel like an ending at all, does it?" Adora lets out a short laugh, now beaming up at me. Her face is so full of wonder, I still can’t get over the fact that it’s there because of me. She’s happy because of me. Because I’m here, with her, holding her. The guilt twists the knot in my stomach again. I look away from her loving gaze to compose my thoughts. Giving. This thing between us should be taking – and giving. I took so much from her already. I knew it was time to give back. Even if it felt so hard it made my breath shallow.
"Hey," Adora guides my face back to hers, looking me deep in the eyes. "What’s wrong?"
I swallow hard, and do what I know will give me the power I need. I look at her and bask in her presence. It’s so peaceful. It feels like home. I’m home, and I’m safe and I’m free. That dream has only the power over me that I give it.
”I’ve been having nightmares too,” I whisper and close my eyes to avoid seeing whatever reaction she has about that. No. As soon as I close it I feel the darkness surround me again. They snap open instinctively, and the contrast to that endless void on her face takes my breath away. Adora is concerned, her expression welcoming and tender, urging me to keep going, but never pushing. I lock onto her and not breaking eye contact again as I blurt it out. "I’ve been having them since you saved me from Prime. It’s not like the flashes the chip gave me… It’s just pure nightmares. About his control, and what he made me do. About how much I hurt you. How much I hurt you even before that, with the portal, and the countless fights before, pushing you away, harder every time you tried to reach out, and… and not telling you how I felt sooner. This nightmare eats at my core and makes me question all the things that we build during the day. Trust. Love. It’s still unreal to me that I get to have all this. That I get to have you and you’re not running away from me because I’m a lost cause and will never be able to escape who I am deep down inside."
I shoot up to sitting in the bed, hyperventilating. This was too much. I said too much, I let out too much of my darkness and insecurities and I not only made a fool of myself but… what if this is the thing that will finally do it. That will finally drive her away from me.
I feel a hand on my back, but I’m afraid to turn around.
Adora sits up too, scooting over so she would sit in front of me. Without saying anything she cups my face between her hands and guides it up, pulls me in and catches my lips in a soft, long kiss, that I can feel is starting to ease and heal the pang in my chest. Slowly the tension from my muscles fade. I rest my hands on her waist, swimming in the ocean of feelings she is giving me. The affection, the care. How can I have such strong doubts when she is so sure of us? When she loves me like she does. I’m such a fool. But damn, I am the luckiest fool on Etheria.
When she pulls away I can’t help to just keep sitting in that exact same position with my eyes barely open, smiling.
"Even without me feeling for you the way I do, you earned and deserve your place here, Catra. You saved Glimmer. You saved us many times already. You saved me," Adora's smile warms my skin like sunlight. "You literally saved me from getting destroyed by magic, how can you say you’re a lost cause? True, you can never escape who you are deep down. You know why? Because deep down there you are strong. And brave. In your core, you are good, Catra. And I’ll keep telling you that every day if I have to. Our mistakes don’t define us. What we choose to do with our actions do."
It takes all of my willpower not to break down right there and start sobbing. I can’t help the few tears that escape, but I don’t even mind them. I laugh and kiss her again, and this time it’s not as tame and soft as the first one was. I pull her close and slip my hand up her back, running my fingers through her golden locks as our mouths and tongues explore each other. I can feel her smile against my lips and it warms my chest even more, making my hands tighten around her. It takes us longer to break apart this time, and she seems just as out of breath as I am when we do.
"I see why people picked you as their leader," I say and she raises an eyebrow. "You can give a hell of a pep talk."
"I have experience with it," she snickers. Then, her expression turns softer and she looks at me pensively. "What made you sing that song to me?"
"What do you mean?" I ask, blushing.
"The lullaby. That’s what I used to sing to you back in the Fright Zone when you had trouble sleeping. You said you hated it. Why sing it to me now?"
I can feel my face growing even darker red, but I take in a deep breath. Giving.
"I… I never hated that song. I loved it. I always loved when you sang to me." I can’t stop myself before adding, "Even if you’re a terrible singer."
"Excuse me?" Adora raises her voice, but her smiling eyes betray her tone. She launches herself at me and, even though I could easily jump out of the way in time, I let her tackle me. We roll around in bed, careful not to fall off this time, laughing and tickling each other every change we get. Hearing her laugh is filling my chest with that warmth again. Home. Yes, this is my home, right here.
As we settle next to each other again after some time, Adora pulls me closer again, guiding my head onto her chest, so she can hold me with one arm, while stroking my hair with the other. She starts humming the familiar tune again.
"We must be strong. And we must be brave. We’re gonna reach inside, still together and fight. Never let it go."
Oh don’t worry, Adora. I will never let you go.
