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Darcy was eyeing the pies behind the counter appreciatively when a scream let her know that Thor's best man had walked in. The tutting that followed it let her know that she'd made the right choice in suggesting they met at a mutant diner - judging people on their appearance was frowned upon here. Also they served excellent food and she knew one of the waitresses from her Tuesday night beading group. Martine's needle-sharp claws were perfect for picking up seed beads and she made some truly fabulous earrings.
"Hey Bill, over here!" called Darcy, waving frantically - she assumed he was able to tell humans apart but there was no harm in giving him a hand just in case. She had no trouble recognizing him of course - a seven foot tall alien cyborg with a face like a grinning horse's skull would have been easy to spot even if he hadn't been wearing full battle armor. Mutant diner or not, the crowded tables really hadn't been laid out to allow someone his size to pass easily and the cape didn't help matters. It took him some time and several apologies to pick his way through to Darcy, who stood on her tiptoes to give him an awkward peck on the side of the muzzle.
"Coffee?" she asked when the greetings were through. "And do you want some pie?"
"Please."
They made their way carefully to the table Darcy had reserved. The woman who had screamed earlier was hurriedly settling her bill, blushing coppery orange under the weight of disapproving stares.
Darcy sipped her latte and realized that aside from a few minutes on the way to a fight, on the way back from a fight or on one confused and noisy occasion in the middle of a fight, she had never really had a conversation with Bill.
"How was your journey in?"
"Uneventful, thank you. Skuttlebutt is moored above the tower."
"Seriously? Huh, I guess you've never seen Independence Day. Hey, you want some more pie?"
Although his face didn't change Bill's body language managed to communicate embarrassment. "I thought you got the whole thing, not just a slice."
"No problem, I'll get you some more. Or do you want to get lunch?"
"Lunch sounds good. What do they have?"
Darcy handed him a menu. "Can you read? Read our alphabet I mean?'
"I have a translation program, but I still need you to tell me what's good."
"It's all good. What sort of thing do you want?"
"Something with meat in?"
"Sure." Darcy headed for the counter. She dithered for a moment but then decided Bill probably wasn't familiar enough with Earth customs to know that you were supposed to eat something savory before having dessert. "Double chocolate fudge sundae please. And a rare steak with all the fixings."
"What size of steak?"
"How much of a cow can I get him without bankrupting myself?"
Martine chuckled. "Don't worry honey, we'll sort you out. He's cute!" She patted Darcy on the wrist and had bustled into the kitchen before she had a chance to explain that it wasn't like that. She beat a hasty retreat back to the table.
"So how did you and Thor meet anyway?"
"Uh, well, I sort of attacked him."
"No way, me too! High five! Umm, it's a gesture of triumph and solidarity and stuff, you're meant to hit my hand with yours." Bill did as he was told, very slowly and carefully.
"You attacked him?"
"Yup, tasered him. Well Jane hit him with a car first."
"Ah yes, he told me about that."
"And didn't mention me? I'm hurt. He's always whining about the time I tasered him to me."
Martine arrived with the sundae and the largest steak Darcy had ever seen, and gave her a saucy wink that she pretended not to notice. "Hey!" Bill protested as Darcy swiped one of his fries.
"Sorry, but if you order fries and there's someone else at the table who doesn't have fries they have to steal one. It's a very ancient, venerable Earth tradition. I don't make the rules."
"So do I do the same with your food?"
"Nuh uh, it's just for fries. It's called ice cream by the way. Wanna try?" she waved a spoon at him.
"May I?" Darcy nodded. He licked the ice cream off the spoon with a startlingly long tongue. "Like it?"
"It's...unpleasantly cold actually."
"Really?! You're the first person I've ever met who doesn't like ice cream. I'm so keeping you around to guard mine."
Darcy took a mouthful of her sundae and realized she'd used the same spoon as Bill had licked. She wondered if alien cooties were a thing, then realized that licking her spoon would count as alien cooties for him too. She decided life was too short to worry about it when ice cream was involved and took another spoonful.
"Darcy, I was honored when Thor chose me as his best man, but I am not entirely sure what I'm supposed to do?"
"Didn't Thor explain?"
"Thor was not entirely certain himself what was involved. Also we drank a lot of mead that night. It is a Midgardian custom, yes?"
"Yes, Jane wanted that because the rest of the wedding's going to be Asgardian. So okay, the groom chooses someone very important to him, a brother or a close friend, to be his best man. It's a bit different for the bride, she gets to choose lots of her friends as bridesmaids but the maid of honor, that's me, is meant to be in charge of them."
"And they serve as an honor guard?"
"Sort of. Traditionally I think the bridesmaids were meant to defend the bride from evil spirits."
"Does this happen often then at Midgardian weddings, that the bride is attacked by evil spirits?"
"No, but maybe that's because we have bridesmaids."
"Yet the best man is required to defend the groom alone? He is a mightier champion?"
"I think it's because the groom's more expendable, if something happens to him the best man's meant to marry the bride. Oh don't worry, you don't really have to do that, I'm just telling you the history. We don't really have to defend anyone either. It's all theoretical now."
"So both members of the couple choose a champion, but we don't actually need to fight anyone? It's a ceremonial appointment?"
"Oh we've got duties. The most important one is to make sure the bride and groom make it to the wedding on time and in a suitable state to get married."
"No battle wounds, missing limbs, that sort of thing?"
"Well I was more thinking without anyone drawing a cock on the groom's face when he was drunk, but that too. Also you have to give a speech about Thor. Just keep it simple, talk about what a great guy he is, yada yada yada. Jane specifically requested no epic poetry. And we have to plan a party before the wedding that everyone enjoys but no one gets hurt at. The idea is it's one last chance to let off steam before the couple gets married and becomes all sensible and responsible, although this is Jane and Thor we're talking about so I don't think that's going to happen."
"Yes Thor told me about the party. He was somewhat concerned."
"I'm somewhat concerned too. Jane's having kittens."
Bill tilted his head to the side. "Figure of speech, sorry. She's very worried. Hold on a second."
Bill watched in fascination as Darcy opened her bag and pulled out her phone, three differently sized pads of colored paper, six different colored pens, a block of Post-Its in the shape of sheep and a rainbow packet of highlighters. She assembled these items on the table in front of her with all the care and precision of a warrior preparing her weapons for battle.
"Okay dude, let's get down to business. We've got a party to plan!"