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If the world was ending you'll come over, right? Wakatoshi-kun?
Tendou pulled his earpiece out, not caring that his ears were hurt in the process.
Tendou has always been someone who is... a lot. He is a lot to handle. On the court, he feels reliable and he feels great about himself but off court, he couldn't seem to find any worth in himself. He has a lot of emotions, too much, in fact.
While Ushijima has always been the opposite. He is a very straightforward person and he never attempts to be passive aggressive.
He knows this is wrong. Crushing on his captain.
Do I even deserve to fall in love?
He sighed. He rolled his earpiece and placed it on the ledge.
He looked down at his feet. He has never liked wearing shoes but he does love the night view his city provides.
He sat at the ledge of his 18 storey building. His parents never cared much about him so sneaking out of his house to find a little peace isn't so difficult.
He stretched his legs out while leaning back on his left arm. He threw his head back and smiled as the wind blew.
The peace was so... peaceful.
A crush on Wakatoshi-kun?
He sneered at his own thought.
He knew it was wrong.
A guy crushing on a guy? I'll be lucky if he doesn't find me repulsive.
The thought of Ushijima making a face of disapproval at him, brought tears to his eyes.
He laid on his back and put his right hand over his eyes.
He could feel his hoodie sleeve getting soaked with his tears while he bit his bottom lip to not allow any whimper to escape him.
He had always worn long sleeve, not daring to show anyone what lies underneath.
Tendou always thought that there was something seriously wrong with him, in his head. He needs to feel pain to feel alive.
Feeling alive... That's all he ever wants. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't have the luxury of having a simple brain like others. He is convinced that his brain is just wired in a different way. The wrong way.
It's basically art. He thought to himself. I'm basically the canvas and this is just my way of... expression...
Ushijima was the first one to notice him being a little bit... weird.
Once Ushijima accidentally spiked the ball into his shoulder and he just winced. He immediately rushed to the bathroom and that's when he noticed that his shoulder was bleeding. He carelessly rubbed his shoulder with a tissue.
"Tendou-san? Are you doing okay?" When Ushijima stepped into the toilet and to his horror, he sees his teammate holding onto bloodied tissue.
Ushijima asked Tendou to sit on the basin as he took some tissue before carefully dabbing on his wound. He looked at Tendou to gauge whether it was okay to continue. He continued to very gently pat on his wound.
The silence that engulfed them was surprisingly comforting, to Tendou at least.
"I don't know why you're doing this but believe me when I say you're worth much more than this, Satori. I'm not saying you're wrong but i know you shouldn't do this to yourself. You don't deserve this. I know for a fact that you deserve s much more, Satori." Ushijima said it with a straight face. He took all the bloodied tissue and placed them in the dustbin.
"Let's go, Satori. I'll tell coach that you're feeling unwell so go and rest because you're done for today."
"I'll catch up with you, Wakatoshi-kun."
When Ushijima left, Tendou felt something in his body. A warmth? A spark? Why? He can't quite place a finger on this newfound emotion. He smiled. For the first time in a long time, he smiled genuinely.
He felt light. He hung a smile on his face as he slowly made his way out.
This is the first time someone has openly told Tendou that he deserves something good.
To every other person, Tendou appears to be someone who is witty and heartless but it is just a facade he had put up so he could escape feeling things. It also helps him to escape being questioned. He didn't want to deal with people asking him what's wrong with him.
It's been weeks since their interaction in the bathroom.
Since then, Ushijima has been paying extra attention to him during practice and outside of practice.
Sometimes he even leaves notes like "64/80 is very good" or "please drink water" under his table. And if Tendou is being honest, he finds it very endearing. It often brings a smile to his face.
But of course, that only happens in school. Once he's at home, he's left alone with his own thoughts. He doesn't like it. He hates it. He hates the silence. He hates how deafening and overwhelming it can get.
Ushijima tried asking him about why he does things like this but Tendou has always said something witty then change the topic.
They would both be sitting on the rooftop and eating their bentos. Only the two of them and it was the perfect opportunity for Tendou to talk to him about how he feels but he just couldn't seem to find the courage to do so. What should I even tell him? Where should I even start? Do I just tell him that I hate myself? Do I tell him that I don't think I deserve to live? Or should I tell hi-
He turned to the right when he felt Ushijima placing his hand on his shoulder. He smiled at him and raised his other hand to give him a thumbs up. Tendou laughed as he pointed at his left cheek, "you have a little rice there, Wakatoshi-kun~ Luckily I am the only one here around to see this~" They ended up laughing and he felt that something again. That same warmth he felt in the bathroom.
That happened days ago. Right now, he could summarise what he's feeling in one word. Alone. He feels so alone and so, so cold. Not only from the wind but from inside him. He feels tiny, in this big big universe.
Insignificance. That's what he was feeling. He feels like nothing mattered. Like he didn't matter. Nothing matters, so what's the point?
He gathered up all his strength to push himself up once again.
Wakatoshi's smile, he thought to himself. That smile can literally be the death of me.
He stood up, behind the ledge putting his hands behind his head while once again taking in the city's view.
He patted his own cheeks and wiped away his dried up tears.
"Maybe what's important is to just smile and it is perfectly okay to just feel things. Even if you don't understand them." He remembered Ushijima telling him that once. "It will be okay, Satori. I am so proud of you."
He grabbed his phone and took his shoes as he made his way down the stairs. Wakatoshi-san is right, I just gotta focus on the right now. Maybe there is something worth living for. He tossed all of his doubts to the back of his head, for the time being.He remembered Ushijima's smile and encouraging smile and he just... smiled.
Hope,huh.